"And I can't even believe I did that… I'm so sorry."
I can't help it all I can do is laugh. Hard
"Zona?"
"You… and… Mark…baby…." I can't even speak in sentences as I laugh so hard. Then the thought of Mark Sloane trying to be a father comes back into my head and I can't help it. I laugh harder. Mark Sloane. Parent? His idea of father / daughter bonding was telling his spawn that he had slept with one of her doctors. Mark Sloane as a parent? FUNNY. And Calliope. I stop dead in my tracks. Huh. What exactly was Calliope offering Mark? I look up and she winces.
"What exactly were you offering Mark?" I give her my best neutral expression that probably looked more suspicious than I wanted.
"That's why I am apologising… I… I know it makes me a horrible person…" Her voice fades out and I can hear her rambling but I'm taking no notice. I've taken a sharp breath, I seem to be holding it. She was offering to be the mother to his father. She was offering herself, fully. I know she wants kids. That has come up in conversation. She tried to get pregnant with George and we've had a conversation that included the possibilities that lay before gay women, should they want kids. What we haven't got to discussing is my feelings on the topic. I'm scared of children. I see kids everyday and I try and repair them and send them back home to their parents. They are special and resilient because I see them for a short period of time. They don't wear me down, they don't expect me to be there for them, and they don't depend on me for everything. I am so worried about being a parent. I guess that's probably a good thing.
Most of my discussions about children with Calliope have been rather negative. I tend to go for the 'It's great when you hand them back' or 'Ah listen… silence' and I realise that she actually may think that I don't want children, that I don't want a sassy little kid who had raven locks, perfect skin and that beautiful smile. That I wouldn't want to share night shifts with her or watch our child's ride first bike, or watch them as they get ready for their first date. Is this her way of telling me that she wants children more than she wants me?
I can't help it, but the tears build up in my eyes.
"I know I should have spoken to you about it…" Why? Why would she. I blink away the tears. This hurts. I almost start telling her that I want lots of her babies, but it's too late. Too late to enter into a discussion, she's made her choice. She would choose Mark.
"But we are ok right? I mean Sloan isn't… they've both gone. We are ok? You aren't going to leave?" Why would I leave when you Calliope just made it clear that you already have? I should step away. I should let her go, but I can't let her go just yet. She has to leave me. She's the one that has to do the leaving, because as much I know it's coming. As much as I can see her going back to men, I can't give her up. Not yet.