Author's Note: Just a little speculative scene for the way 4x09 might begin. Please note that this contains fleeting references to abortion and suicide, used as analogies, not because Remi is actually pregnant (though she may be/have been suicidal). In this fic, Kurt is pro-choice, and if you don't like that, I strongly advise you to just hit the back button. I won't be engaging in debate on this topic.
Now that that's said - here's the fic! And I'm sorry I'm so behind responding to PMs and reviews. I will try to do better and catch up within the next few days.
It ended the way he'd expected it would: him on the floor, bloody and bruised, gasping for breath, with his wife aiming a gun at his head.
Remi wiped a smear of her own blood from the corner of her mouth with her free hand, then placed it on the grip of her handgun, opting for a two-handed shooting stance. The look in her eyes was grim, with an element of hopelessness. "You're never going to stop coming after me, are you?"
"Never. I will never give up on my wife. Not while there's a chance." Kurt made sure to meet her eyes with every word, willing her to see that he meant it.
"There is…no…chance." She punctuated each word with an angry shake of the weapon. "This is who I am. The real me."
"I don't believe that. You got the chance to be the real you when you took the ZIP. The you that Alice never got the chance to be, because her parents were murdered and you were shoved in that orphanage."
If his words made an impact, she didn't show it.
"For what it's worth, you were right. Last night, at the evidence facility, when you said you remind me of what a failure I am. I overestimated myself. Where I ended up was my own fault, not yours."
He sighed, risking her ire to sit up. "You underestimated yourself. What a good person you can be, if you let go of those old grudges."
"Just stop," she said wearily. "I'm myself again now. I remember every fucked up thing that happened to me, and I need to make things better."
"You did," he said. "All the criminals we put away. All the tattoo leads we followed together. We made a difference. Even after you forgot our life together."
"Maybe they can write that on my tombstone." She tightened her grip on the gun. "Or on yours."
He gazed up at this angry, bitter, frightened version of his wife, his ribs protesting with every breath he took, and knew the truth. "I love you. No matter what."
"Shut up."
"No. Kill me if you have to, but it will only make things more complicated. We found a way to slow the ZIP down on one of Roman's drives. If you want the treatment, come in with me now."
"Stop this. I just freed Shepherd. You know I did. The FBI isn't going to let this one go."
"The FBI doesn't know it was you. Only Rich, Patterson and Boston know."
Remi gave a short, despairing laugh. "And now the least corruptible agent in the whole of the FBI is covering up the presence of an undercover terrorist in his team. I guess everyone really does have their price."
"I will do anything to save your life."
"Oh, yeah? Will you let Shepherd walk away?"
Kurt closed his eyes, battling his conscience and his desperate need to save his wife. "For good? No. For the next couple of days, while we get your treatment taken care of?"
The word 'yes' was on the tip of his tongue, heralding his fall from morality, when Remi gasped and clutched her head, her jaw clenched and eyes screwed up with the pain. Kurt surged up and wrenched the gun from her hand, threw it aside, then pinned his wife up against one of the nearby pillars, her arms behind her back and her face pressed against the concrete.
It didn't feel like a triumph to put the cuffs on her. She was still trying not to whimper from the agony that had gotten her to drop her guard. When she came back to herself, pale and teary-eyed from the pain, she began to struggle, but he only held her, tightly enough to restrain her, yet the hold also doubled as a hug.
"Damn you."
"I love you," he said again, wondering how things had become this screwed up. "And I'm gonna save your life, no matter who you think you are right now. You might be giving up, but Jane would fight."
He held on until she stopped struggling, then turned her towards the exit. "Come on. Walk."
As usual, Remi had his ambivalence figured out, and lashed out at him in the most painful possible way. "If I was pregnant, would you force me to keep the kid, too, because Jane might want it?"
"No. If you were pregnant, I would respect your wishes, because Jane and I could try again later. But if you were suicidal and I found you dying after taking a ton of pills, I would sure as hell take you to the hospital, even though I knew you wanted to die, because even though you were desperate enough to take that step, Jane would want to live. And even if Jane wasn't a part of you, we could still work on making things better."
Remi snorted. "Spoken like someone who's never been suici—"
She broke off with another cry of pain, stumbling against the door and wrenching at the cuffs as though in desperate need to hold her head in her hands. Kurt steadied her and cradled her head against his shoulder, holding her up with one arm and curving his other hand around her skull.
"Hang in there," he murmured to her, fighting back tears. "We're gonna fix this, okay?"
Remi didn't reply, suddenly becoming limp and heavy in his embrace. Sick with fear for her, Kurt scooped her up in his arms and ran the rest of the way to his car, her barely conscious form cradled close.
"Hold on, Jane," he whispered, laying her carefully in the backseat. "Just hold on."
As he drove as fast as he could towards the hospital, where Patterson's neurobiologist contact was waiting, he prayed that the risky treatment would help his wife's condition, not kill her. Whether as Remi or Jane, she had to live for there to be any hope for her future.