All right, I wrote this one day when I was bored, it's just a dumb spoof of OotP (not that I don't -like- OotP. I was just very very super extremely bored.) ANYWAYS. If you don't like it, fine, don't blame you, if you do, well gee, thanks. =)
All the characters and the storyline are, obviously, JK Rowling's.
Harry: -lies in the garden-
Mysterious Noise: -cracks-
Uncle Vernon: Boy, what are you doing out here?!
Harry: ...
Uncle Vernon: Boy, why are you lying in the garden?!
Harry : ...
Uncle Vernon: Boy, do I look stupid to you?!
Harry: -backs away slowly- -runs-
--
Harry: -swings lonesomely-
Dudley: -smokes-
Harry: Hiya, cuz!
Dudley: What do you want?
Harry: You're big and stupid. -grins-
Street: -goes dark-
Dudley: AHH! IT'S DARK!
Harry: wtf?
Dudley: AHH! IT'S COLD!
Harry: Quiet, you!
Dudley: AHH! MAKE IT STO- -falls over-
Dementors: -dement-
Harry: Expecto Patronum!
Dementors: Ahhh... -glide away-
Crazy Cat Lady: -runs in- Harry!
Drunk: -appears- S'up Figgy, my homedog. -wink-
Crazy Cat Lady: blahblah Moron blahblah you're supposed to be watching him blahblah Dumbledore's gonna be pissed blahblah go tell him wtf happened!
Drunk: Peace out, homies. -disappears-
Harry and Dudley: -arrive home-
Aunt Petunia: There you are, sweetie!
Dudley: -is a pale green-
Aunt Petunia: Schnookums?
Dudley: -is sick-
Aunt Petunia: Ah! Ew! All over my floor! I mean- Vernon!
Uncle Vernon: Boy, what did you do to him?!
Harry: -takes deep breath-
Owls: -fly in-
Uncle Vernon: -takes a spaz-
Harry: Okay... I'm expelled... 'Don't go anywhere'... 'Don't go anywhere' again. Well, shit. That sucks.
Uncle Vernon: OMGWTFWHYSMYSONGREEN?
Harry: Okay, we were taking a stroll, two Dementors turned up, attacked us so I used a spell, now I'm expelled.
Uncle Vernon: ...
Aunt Petunia: ...
Dudley: -is still green-
Owl: -flies in again-
Harry: Oh, snap! I'm not expelled yet.
Uncle Vernon: You got attacked by what?
Aunt Petunia: Demetors.
Uncle Vernon: omgwtf how did you know that?
Aunt Petunia: ... -shrug-
Uncle Vernon: Why were they here?
Harry: 'Cause Voldemort's back and he probably sent 'em after me.
Aunt Petunia: Eep! Back?
Harry: Yup.
Uncle Vernon: AH! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Howler: -howls-
Aunt Petunia: -pales- He stays!
Harry: ...Ya'll are freaks.
--
Harry: -lies on bed looking depressed while the Dursleys go somewhere-Glass: -smashes-
Harry: wtf?
Lupin: Hello, Harry! Sorry if we scared you with that loud, unexpected noise! That was just Tonks, our clumsy lesbian!
Tonks: -grins- Hi!
Lupin: We're here to take you to some remote location 'cause of what happened with the Dementors. introduces other wizards Not like you'll remember all their names, but it's good to throw them in in case JK Rowling wants to use one of them as a key character in the next two books.
Harry: ...
Lupin: Here, have some chocolate. Alright, let's blow this popsicle stand.
--