The New and Improved Nutcracker!
Now can be used on an even wider variety of nuts!
(Yes, that means exactly what you think it does)
This play is sponsered by the Happy Strawberry Foundation: Bringing Slash to the World.
Act I, Scene 1
Mouse King is alone, pacing back and forth. His crown and sword are on a nearby chair.
Mouse King: At last! Tonight, I will get my revenge on the nutcracker (rubs hands together eagerly). He'll regret ever calling me a bite-sized rodent. I'll make him pay!
Mouse 1: (Bowing) Your highness.
Mouse King: Yes, what is it?
Mouse 1: The sentries have spotted something along the south border. It appears to be the Nutcracker, your highness.
Mouse King: Are you sure? It's not just one of those idiot sugar plum fairies, is it?
Mouse 1: No, your highness. (Winks at audience) Not unless they've suddenly grown beards and started wearing red.
Mouse King: (Looks sternly at Mouse 1) That's enough out of you. (Picks up sword and puts crown on) Inform the generals to have the army ready to attack at midnight.
Mouse 1: Yes, your highness.
Mouse King exits. Mouse 1 looks around a bit, then exits in opposite direction.
Act I, Scene 2
Clara and the Nutcracker are holding hands under a starry night sky. Clara looks happy, the Nutcracker seems uncomfortable.
Clara: Oh, the stars are so beautiful!
Nutcracker: Yes, of course. (Aside, to audience) Bloody hell, she won't let go of my hand!
Clara: What was that, dear?
Nutcracker: Um, nothing, Clara. I just said this is swell and it makes me feel like Peter Pan.
Clara: (Looks at Nutcracker strangely) Peter Pan? Nutcracker, are you feeling ok?
Nutcracker: No, I mean yes, yes, I feel fine! I just…didn't you like Peter Pan when you were little?
Clara: (Sniffs) No.
Nutcracker: (Startled) No? Why not?
Clara: He was indecent! Flying around in those green tights…ugh!
Nutcracker: (Eyes glaze over) Mmm…yeah, I remember those tights.
Clara: What did you just say?
Nutcracker: Huh? Oh, um, I said that definitely wasn't right. (To audience) Damn, I really need to get laid right about now.
Clara: (Shocked) Nutcracker! I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Nutcracker: Sorry. (Clara ignores his appology, still looking indignant.) Ok, how about we just sit here in silence and stare at the sky. (Clara glares at him) Romantically, of course, romantically!
Clara and the Nutcracker return their attention to the skies, not speaking to each other. Neither of them notice the mice in the shadows around them.
Mouse King: What! Who is that girl and how dare she sit with my Nutcracker? (Mice around him shift uncomfortably, not meeting his eyes. The Mouse King realizes what he just said) Oops. (Looks around fiercely at the mice within hearing) None of you heard that.
Mice: No, your highness.
Nutcracker: What was that sound?
Clara: (Sulkily) What sound? I didn't hear anyth-
Nutcracker: Shh! (Stands up, putting his hand on his sword hilt) Who's there?
Mouse 1: (Whispering) Should we attack now?
Mouse King: Wait. When the clock strikes twelve…(The clock strikes midnight, cutting off his sentence) Now! Attack!
The mice come pouring out of the shadows, swinging swords and yelling. The Nutcracker draws his own sword and crouches in a fighting stance.
Nutcracker: They've got us surrounded! (No sound from Clara) Clara?
Clara: (Is being dragged away by a couple of drooling mouse soldiers) Help! Help me!
Nutcracker: Hold on! (Looks at the huge crowd of mice) Never mind…on second thought, good riddance! (Waves to Clara, who is being gang raped by the mice)
Clara: (Screaming) Oww! Nutcracker, save me! You can't just leave me here – Oh my god! Oh!
Nutcracker: Well, she seems to be enjoying herself. (To the mice) All right, you bastards, bring it!
Toy soldiers enter from left.
Soldier 1: Sir! Reinforcements have arrived!
Nutcracker: Oh, good! (Ducks a blow from the mouse he is fighting, then swings his sword and cuts off its head) Tell them to exterminate these pests, but leave the Mouse King alive!
Soldier: Yes, sir!
Soldiers and mice clash, fighting viciously. Random geysers of blood spurt out every few seconds as soldiers and mice die. The Nutcracker corners the Mouse King and knocks him out. He looks around and sees that all of the other mice are dead.
Nutcracker: Glad that's over and done with. Well fought, soldiers! (Soldiers cheer)
Clara: (Is now being gang raped by the soldiers) Help me! Please – Oh god! Oh god!
Nutcracker: (Shaking his head) Little slut really gets around, doesn't she?
Nutcracker exits, dragging the Mouse King with him. The soldiers line up for a turn at Clara, who is still screaming.
Act II, Scene 1
Mouse King is lying spread eagled on a king sized bed. Each hand and foot is chained to a bedpost with fuzzy handcuffs. A sheet is covering him partially.
Mouse King: (Wakes up) Ohh, my head. (Tries to touch head) What? Why am I chained to a bed? Are these…fuzzy handcuffs? (Groans) That Nutcracker is kinkier than I thought.
Nutcracker: (Enters from left) Rise and shine, Mouse King! (Jumps onto bed)
Mouse King: Get off of me, you perv!
Nutcracker: Perv? Me? (Pouts) Well, at least I'm not a deformed, five headed rodent!
Mouse King: I do not have five heads!
Nutcracker: True. But you're supposed to!
Mouse King: I am not!
Nutcracker: Are too! Maura said so!
Mouse King: Who the hell is Maura and why would she know anything about my anatomy?
Nutcracker: It doesn't matter. The point is that you should have five heads, but you don't. (Looks thoughtfully at Mouse King) You must be defective.
Mouse King: (Offended) I am not defective!
Nutcracker: We'll see about that. (Yanks sheet off of Mouse King. His eyes widen) Wow, I guess you're not defective.
Mouse King: Don't touch me, you sicko! (Screams) Oh! The left one, the left one! Yes! Yes!
Nutcracker: Aaah! Harder, harder!
Nutcracker strips, throwing his clothes all over the place. His jacket drapes over the bed, conveniently obscuring both from view and keeping this play from becoming NC-17.
Act II, Scene 2
In the aftermath of what happened under the jacket (which we won't mention), the Mouse King and Nutcracker are lying on the bed, sweaty and exhausted.
Nutcracker: I had no idea you could do that with your tail!
Mouse King: (Modestly) It's a skill I picked up.
Nutcracker and Mouse King lie quietly for a while, then the Nutcracker gets up and starts dressing.
Nutcracker: I've got to run! Be good, Mouse King!
Mouse King: Can you unchain me now?
Nutcracker: (Shakes his head) Nope, sorry! Now, I have to go! Bye!
Nutcracker exits. Mouse king is left alone, chained to the bed.
Mouse King: (Plaintively) Um, somebody? A little help, please?
The End
Please review! I know it's weird, but tell me what you think! Please?