Hello, fan fiction readers. Out of sheer boredom, I bring to you the true legend from behind the scenes. I'm not sure how good it really is, but honestly I don't care.
Finally, after what should have been days but took only a mere hour, Link makes his way to the gates of Hyrule. After risking his life, becoming engaged to a princess of a different species at the age of ten, and becoming mentally disturbed after facing the horrible monstrosities a kid his age should not face, Link has collected the three spiritual stones. The gates are closed during broad daylight, making it completely obvious that something is wrong. If Nintendo had tried to make the next scene unnoticeable, they failed quite spectacularly.
Link: Hey Navi, look! Why are the gates closed?
Navi: HEY! Link, it's obvious that something that is important to the storyline is about to happen.
Link: Whatever! What could possibly happen?
Navi: LISTEN! It's probably another cut scene, Link.
Link: Shut up, you good for nothing fairy. You never tell me anything useful when I need it!
And so, Link and Navi walked up to the gate, where the sun suddenly set even though it was noon only seconds ago. As they stood there, the rain began to fall, and suddenly the gate flew open.
Link: Navi, look, it's Princess Zelda! It's looks like she is coming for us!
(Sticks out his thumb)
Navi: HEY! What are you doing?
Link: Getting a lift. I am not going to look for her all over Hyrule. It's so stupid! I might as well talk to her now.
(White horse zips by without stopping. Princess Zelda looks over her shoulder)
Zelda: Impa, it's that gullible cross-dressing boy again! I can't believe he came back after I sent him on that impossible mission. I really thought that Princess Ruto would stop him… What should I do?
Impa: Whatever you do, don't throw the Ocarina of Time.
Zelda: It's it ok for me to lie and say I didn't do it?
Impa: If you threw that valuable possession so help me, I'll make you dress as a boy for years until you get that instrument back.
Zelda: Yeah, right. I'm the princess, you are only a nanny. The day I do as you say will be the day Ganondorf takes over Hyrule.
(Back to Link)
Link: She left me!
(Suddenly showing up)
Ganondorf: What did you suspect, boy? Girls never wait for boys! If you don't keep them happy, they will leave with you with all your money.
(Turning around)
Link: Ganondorf! I bet you are trying to kill Zelda! So that's why they are leaving Hyrule.
Ganondorf: No, actually I have a crush on Impa, and she decided to hide from me with all my money.
Link: What? Why would you have a crush on Impa? She's the scariest person in the whole game!
Ganondorf: Have you seen her chest?
Link: Now that you mention it…
Ganondorf: She's too old for you. Give it a few years, and soon you will have a naked Zora to look at. Now, tell me which way the white horse went!
Link: Never! I have four cute girls who are madly in love me with, so I will defend all women of Hyrule. I mean, after all, who doesn't love a hero?
(pulling out tiny dagger)
Link: With my pathetic weapon that the Kokiris have the nerve to call a sword, I will attack you!
Ganondorf: Don't make me laugh, boy. You're wearing a dress! How could you possibly be able to show yourself in public? Besides, that tiny weapon of yours that shouldn't have been added to your inventory is nothing against my power!
(raising a hand, Ganondorf threw a light ball at Link. The light disappears before it hits Link, but it still manages to hurt him, throwing him backwards.)
Ganondorf: Out of my way, boy! I have no time for hero wannabes. Honestly, it's like walking through a convention or something.
(Ganondorf rides off. Link calls out: It's not a dress, it's a tunic; before passing out)
Ganondorf: For some reason, those clothes look dreadfully hot.
(Back to Link)
Navi: WATCH OUT! Ganondorf appeared, Link! He's dangerous, he could hurt you!
Link enters the Temple of Light. For some reason, everyone in town has failed to notice that there was a horse chase that just happened. No one gave a care that the princess escaped upon a white horse. Link takes out the Ocarina of Time.
Navi: HEY! When did you get that ocarina?
Link: While you were unconscious. You make a great punching bag. I guess you do have your uses.
Navi: LISTEN! But what happened to Saria's Ocarina?
Link: That old thing? I like this ocarina so much better. So I broke it.
Navi: HEY! What?
Link: What did you think I hit you with, my hand?
Zelda: Link.
Link: What the hell? ZELDA?
Zelda: Yes, it's me. I'm am talking to you through a telegraphic message.
Link: Wait, you can do this? Can you see me?
Zelda: Of course! How else do you think I know stuff? Really, Link, you should try to use the bathroom behind a tree or something.
Link: I am never taking requests from princesses who have green eyebrows again.
Zelda: I do NOT have green eyebrows.
Link: Are you kidding? Nintendo made your eyebrows a green color! It looks like you puked in them or something. The coloring on the Nintendo 64 sucks! It will only be about a decade until Nintendo comes out with better colors.
Zelda: Never mind, just listen. Play this song in front of the alter.
Link: Why should I trust you?
Zelda: Link, you went on a quest to retrieve the Spiritual Stones after I told you I thought the world was in danger because of a dream I had. Why should you stop believing me now? Now, play this song
(Zelda plays the music, Link copies. Suddenly, the stones float above his head and into the alter, causing the Door of Time to open.)
Link: How in the world did that door open? In this day and age, there is no way that Hyrule has that technology to open such a heavy door! Perhaps in Twilight Princess, but not here!
(Link and Navi walk up though the door. Navi sees the Master Sword)
Navi: LISTEN! That's the Master Sword, Link! It's in the Pedestal of Time!
Link: This is starting to get confusing. All of the names with "of Time" with it. The Ocarina of Time, the Door of Time, the Pedestal of Time, the Temple of Time, the Song of Time. Honestly, the producers of this game really need to get an imagination and change the names. They are dishonoring Spongebob.
Navi: HEY! You actually watch that show?
Link: Of course! Every Saturday morning at ten! I have never miss an episode!
(Link goes over the Pedestal of Blandness, as it is now being called, and pulls out the Master Sword.)
Link: This thing is heavy! A little kid like me should not be able to even pick this thing up!
Ganondorf: Mwahahahaha.
Link: Ganondorf! Are you stalking me?
Ganondorf: Of course! If you would just accept my friend request of Facebook, then it would be so much easier!
Link: As if, I wont even accept Navi's friend request!
Ganondorf: I knew you had the keys to opening the Door of Annoyance, so I followed you here! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Fading…)
Rauru: Link. Link, wake up!
Link: Just five more minutes.
Rauru: I have just spent the last seven years trying to wake you up, so let's go! Up and at them!
Navi: LISTEN! Link, look, you're grown up!
Link: Huh?
(Link wakes up and looks at himself)
Link: Holy cow, I just got hotter.
Rauru: Cross-dressing hero…
Link: This is a tunic!
Rauru: With tights. Men do not wear tights. Welcome to the Chamber of Sages. I am Rauru, Sage of Light. Link, you must save the world from Ganondorf's grasp, for he has gotten a piece of the Triforce. I have sealed you spirit here so that you would be old enough to be the Hero of Time, but thanks to some editing you are now the Hero of Missed Puberty. Go to the forest. Here, I give you the Medallion of Light.
Link: One question. Two, actually.
Rauru: Yes?
Link: Why the heck do I have to save the world? Why am I grown up? I'm suppose to be a kid, I'm a Kokiri. And has it really been seven years?
Rauru: You have to save the world because the maker of Legend of Zelda says so. As for the second question, I am not allowed to answer; it goes against my script. And yes it has.
Link: So that means I missed seven years of Spongebob.
Rauru: Yes.
Link: NOOOOOOOOO! I'll get you for that, Ganondorf!
Rauru: And for destroying the world and trying to get the whole Triforce.
Link: Sure, whatever it takes.
Rauru: Go now, and save the world! And find Zelda!
Link: I have to look for her? Great, I could have avoided that if I had only stopped that horse!
Navi: HEY! Link, do they have Guitar Hero in the future?
Thanks for reading! Not sure if I will add any more chapters, but we'll see. Thanks again!
Sheik: Why am I not in this chapter?
Impa: Cause you are not important to the story.
Sheik: I have spent the last seven years reading Fan Fiction stories on the internet, Impa, I'm ready to go!
Impa: No one cares about you until you transform back to Zelda. Besides, have you checked Facebook yet? I keep getting friend requests from Ganondorf.