FINAL FANTASY VIII
Not a Lemon
(Open to Balamb Garden, Squall's dormitory. Squall and Rinoa are both laying in bed together, naked.)
Squall: It's no good, Rinoa. I... I can't do it.
Rinoa: Yes, you can, Squall...
Squall: No. No, I can't! I'm sorry, Rinoa, but I just can't do it.
Rinoa: Squall, look, it's... it's just sex. It's not hard.
Squall: I know it's not hard, but... I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm too young.
Rinoa: You're not too young, Squall. You're seventeen. You're ready.
Squall: But... But I don't think I can do it, Rinoa. (lifts up the cover) Look, my... my penis isn't even erect.
Rinoa: What are you talking about? It looks erect to me. All five... FIVE? Woo... All five inches of it.
Squall: Yeah, I know it may look erect to you, Rinoa, but trust me, it's not. I'll know when it's erect.
Rinoa: Squall, it's erect!
Squall: No, it isn't.
Rinoa: Yes, it is!
Squall: All right, so maybe it is, but that still doesn't mean I'm ready to rock the casbah.
Rinoa: ...anyone would think you didn't want to have sex with me.
Squall: No, no, no, that's not it, Rinoa. I... I love you, it's just...
Rinoa: It's okay, Squall. You don't have to sugar coat it. You don't find me attractive enough to sleep with me, I understand that. I bet you've only got that erection because you're thinking of Selphie. I've seen the way you look at her. You're like freakin' Carbuncle in heat whenever she's around! Little slu-
Squall: Rinoa, please. You're not making this any easier on me. I don't ever, and never have, thought about Selphie in THAT way. It's you that I love-
Rinoa: Then why won't you make love to me?!
Squall: Because I'M SCARED!!!!
Rinoa: ...
Squall: I'm scared, Rinoa. That's the reason I won't make love to you. I'm terrified.
Rinoa: ...
(Cut to Carbuncle, sitting at his computer.)
Carbuncle: Man alive! Talk about heavy! I need to stop watching so many soap operas!
(Cut back to Squall's dormitory.)
Rinoa: ...it's all right, Squall. You're scared. I can understand that. I was scared the first time too, but-
Squall: Wait, what do you mean "the first time"? You said you were a virgin!
Rinoa: Uh...
Squall: Rinoa?
Rinoa: Okay, so I might've been around the block a few times...
Squall: A few times?! Just how many guys have you #@$%^&*?!
Rinoa: I don't know... Fourty? But none of them matter, dear, sweet, Squall. I love you.
Squall: (moving his hand about under the covers) Man, hearing about your sexual conquests is getting me hot! Damn it! To hell with nervousness! C'mere, baby! I'm gonna screw your brains out! (grabs Rinoa by the shoulders)
Rinoa: Oh, Squall...! (Squall French kisses her, roughly)
(Cut to Squall's dormitory, a year later, the present. Squall and Rinoa are both laying in bed together, naked.)
Rinoa: Remember the first time we had sex, Seifer?
Squall: Yeah... (pause) Did you just call me Seifer?!
Rinoa: No, Irvine.
Squall: Okay. Yeah, I remember that night like it was yesterday.
Rinoa: Me too. (pause) I wish I could remember exactly when it was that things turned so sour in our relationship, though.
Squall: What do you mean, sour? Things in our relationship are better than ever! I haven't hit you for six months, baby!
Rinoa: No, I mean, in the... sex department. Do you know we haven't made love for three months??
Squall: Three months?! What are you talking about, Rinoa?! We did it last night??
(Cut to Squall's dormitory, last night. Squall is laying in the bed, under the covers, naked.)
Squall: (moving up and down) Yeah, baby! Yeah! Oh, Rinoa! Oh, baby! You're sooo hot! Yeah, yeah! Oh, baby!
(Cut back to Squall's dormitory, the present.)
Rinoa: Squall, I wasn't even here last night. I was up all hours, helping Selphie with her homework.
Squall: Forget everything I just said...
Rinoa: What's wrong with us, Squall? We're young, vibrant, fun loving, teenagers! We should be doing it six nights a week at least! Come on, hump me, big boy!
Squall: I'm not in the mood.
Rinoa: "I'm not in the mood." You've been using that excuse for the last three months, Squally! It doesn't wash anymore!
Squall: Ugh... all right then. Let's do it. (rolls on top of Rinoa) Here goes... (unenthusiastically, starts bouncing up and down putting no energy into it) Oh, baby... oh, yeah... oh, you're sooo good, baby... yeah, yeah, oh, come on now... baby, yeah...
Rinoa: Squall! Squall!
Squall: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, that's right, baby... scream my name... scream for me, baby...
Rinoa: No, I mean--ugh! Get off of me! (pushes Squall off her) That was pathetic! You didn't even try to satisfy me! And another thing, this isn't supposed to be a chore!
Squall: Like I said, I'm not in the mood...
Rinoa: Well, that tears it! I think we need help!
Squall: You, maybe. I know I'm fine.
(Cut to the cafeteria. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are sitting at the gang's usual table. Squall walks in, followed by Rinoa.)
Rinoa: ...hey, hey, don't you walk away from me!
Squall: Blah blah blah! (Selphie seems uncomfortable)
Rinoa: You think about what I've said, Squally! And I mean really think! Not the usual not thinking thinking! I want to see some improvement in the bedroom department or else!
Squall: I heard! I think the whole Garden heard, too!
Rinoa: Do you think I care what the rest of Garden thinks?! I'll shout it from the roof if I have to! SQUALL LEONHART HAS LOST INTEREST IN SEX!!!!
Squall: Oh, sorry, Rinoa. I don't think they heard you in Galbadia!
Rinoa: You...! You...! Ugh! (storms out)
Squall: Looks like the lecture's over with...
Irvine: What's up with Rinoa?
Squall: She's just upset because I won't have sex with her.
Irvine: Are you nuts?!
Squall: That's what I expected you to say. But we have to face facts here, Irvine, we're not kids anymore. Some of us have outgrown this whole sex fad.
Zell: Dammit! This is jus' typical! What we have here, is one guy who's totally fed up with sex, and who I might also add, is not a virgin, and then we have another guy who's never had sex in his entire life, and is about as horny as a Bite Bug in mid-spring, but, surprise, surprise, is not getting it, and never, ever has!
Selphie: (giggles) Oh, Zell! Irvy isn't a virgin!
Irvine: No, he's talking about himself, babe...
Selphie: Get outta here! Zell's a virgin?!
Irvine: Yes...
Selphie: But... I didn't know that. I had no idea! Oh, my!
Irvine: But seriously, I think the whole Garden is aware of the fact that Zell is a virgin, babe.
Selphie: And I'm always the last person to know!
Zell: (quietly) Hyne... How I wish I could #@$% that hot little ditz of a slu-
Irvine: So, Squall, how come Rinoa doesn't do it for you, anymore?
Squall: She does still do it for me, Irvine.
Irvine: Then why aren't you porkin' her? Oh, this is... like, a problem... downstairs, right?
Squall: No, Irvine. We're not all as feeble as you. (Carbuncle: Reference to "For the Cutest Girl in the Garden." Never read it...? You lie!)
Irvine: Whoa! Easy, brother!
Cid: (walks in) Ah, if it isn't the SeeDs!
Selphie: Good morning, Headmaster Cid!
Cid: Shouldn't you three be in class right now?
Zell: Holy moly! You're right! We're late for class! Ms. Trepe is gonna kill us!
Cid: Well, if I were you, I'd hurry up and get to class, pronto. And don't dawdle.
Irvine: Have fun in class, guys! I'll be thinking of you during all that free time I'm getting!
Cid: You there! Kinneas, right?!
Irvine: Yes, sir!
Cid: You can go to class with them!
Irvine: Aw... How come?!
Cid: Because it would be much more beneficial to you than looking at porn all day!
Selphie: Irvy!! (Irvine laughs, nervously)
(Cut to the 2F Classroom. Squall, Zell and Selphie are sitting at their desks. Irvine is sharing Selphie's desk.)
Selphie: Mmm... Irvy, please don't put your hand up my skirt in here... It feels dirty...
Irvine: ...and that's why you love it.
Selphie: Please, stop it!
Irvine: Come on, Selphie. Let's do it right here, right now, right on this very desk. In front of all your classmates, too.
Selphie: Irvy!!
Irvine: Come on! It happens in other people's fics! Why can't it happen in this one?!
Selphie: Because this one is PG-13 and NOT A LEMON!!!!
Seifer: (turns around to face them) Will you two shut up?! (embarrassed) I'm gettin' stiff over here...
Irvine: Well then, perhaps we should make it a threesome instead.
Seifer: I'm in!
Selphie: No! No one is having any kind of threesome!
Zell: (pokes his head inbetween Selphie and Irvine) What about a foursome?!
Selphie: No! No sex!!
Squall: (puts his hand on his forehead) Hyne...
Quistis: (walks in) Hello, class! Today we're going to learn all about (writing on the blackboard) S... E... X...
Zell: Huh?
Quistis: Sex, Zell. We're going to talk about sex.
Zell: Oh...
Squall: Oh, Judas!
Quistis: It has been brought to my attention that many of you in this class are now sexually active, and are able to - if you ever wanted to, that is - have sex. So, it is my duty to inform and educate you, before you do so.
Seifer: (puts his hand up) Uh, Ms. Trepe. Most of us in the class have already have sex.
Quistis: You have?
Seifer: Yeah. In fact, we all learned about the birds and the bees, like, five years ago.
Quistis: You did?
Seifer: Yeah.
Quistis: Oh, well, since you've all already done it, then I suppose there's no point in me giving you that tutorial.
Seifer: Tutorial?
Quistis: Yes. You see, I had planned to have sex right here in front of the class today, to show you just how it's done. Yes, I was going to go over a number of the different positions with you, and talk you through the best techniques to satisfying your partner, but now I guess I don't have to do any of that. Shame...
Seifer: Just one second, Ms. Trepe! Zell's never done it!
Zell: Seifer!!
Seifer: It's true! He's never had sex! And... And he doesn't have a clue how to do it, either! That's why he's still a virgin! No one ever taught Zell about sex, y'see?! Poor little Zell...
Zell: (getting up) I'm gonna kick your ass, Seifer!!
Quistis: Zell? Is this true?
Zell: No! I have too had sex! Seifer's lyin'!
Quistis: Well, if he's had sex, then there really is no point in the tutorial...
Seifer: (quietly through his teeth) Dammit, Chickenwuss! Don't you wanna see Ms. Trepe doing the business or something?! I can't believe you'd pass up this opportunity to not only see her NAKED, but also having SEX!!!!
Zell: (quickly) Seifer's right, Ms. Trepe. I'm a virgin. Never had sex in my life. Don't know how, y'see? Completely clueless!
Quistis: All right then. Well, in that case, especially for Zell's benefit, I will now have sex, live, here in the classroom. Come on in, Tidus. (Tidus (from FFX) walks in, wearing his underpants) Class, I'd like you to meet the guy who is going to screw my interlectual brains out. He's not my boyfriend, in fact, I think he's currently seeing someone else, but I'm still going to have sex with him anyway. Tidus? I trust you brought... the condom?
Tidus: ...the what now?
Quistis: Ah, there you go, class. This is nothing out of the ordinary. Tidus here has forgotten to come equipped with a condom. But... But no one ever, EVER uses protection in lemons, so what the heck, I'm going to let Tidus #@$% me, anyway. (begins to unzip her top)
Seifer: This is the best lecture I've ever been to...
Zell: Oh, man...
Quistis: (voice only) That's right, Tidus. It goes into the hairy thing between my legs. (a squelching sound is heard) Ooh... that's right!
Selphie: Oh, sick!
Quistis: (voice only, moaning) Oh, oh, yes...
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all onboard. Zell is piloting.)
Irvine: I can't believe we have to go to Esthar on today of all days! We're missing out on some seriously hot lovin' 'cause of this! How come we're goin' to Esthar again, anyway?
Squall: (sighs) Dr. Odine has apparently gone crazy again and he's plotting to shrink Esthar with some kind of shrinking ray and we have to fly off to his lab, subdue the evil doctor, and destroy his size reducing machine thingy. Hyne, Irvine, y'know, just because a conversation doesn't include the word "boobies," doesn't mean it isn't interesting and worth listening to.
(Cut to Esthar, Dr. Odine's lab. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie all walk outside. Zell and Irvine are carrying the shrinking ray.)
Squall: Well, that was easy enough.
Zell: Ugh... You're not the one carryin' this damn thing!
Irvine: Yeah, how's about a little help, Mr. Leader?!
Squall: I'd rather not. You guys are doing fine. (Rinoa and Selphie both giggle) What's the matter with you two?
Selphie: Rinoa was just telling me about the time she and Raijin-
Rinoa: Shhh, Selphie! Squall doesn't need to know!
Squall: You're damned right I need to know if it involves what I think it involves! Talk, Rinoa!
Rinoa: Nuh-uh! I'm staying quiet!
Squall: Selphie? What'd she say?
Selphie: (giggles) I can't tell you!
Squall: I am your leader, Selphie, and as your leader I order you to tell me what Rinoa just said!
Selphie: All right, all right, keep your hair on! Sorry, Rinoa, but orders are orders!
Rinoa: It's okay, Selphie...
Squall: Well...?
Selphie: One time, while you and her were dating, Rinoa went off behind your back and had sex with Raijin in the Quad, and these other two guys were spying on them, and then Rinoa noticed them, and then she called them over, and then they all had one big gangbang. I don't know what a gangbang is, but I can only imagine it's something incredibly hot and sexy, and Rinoa loves them, because she's a really, really big slu-
Squall: Damn! That got me #@$%^&* hot!! (grabs Rinoa by the arm) You're coming with me, baby!
Rinoa: Squall, what the?! (Squall drags her off)
Zell: ...dude! They're gonna have sex!
Irvine: We know, Zell.
Zell: ...dude! He's gonna ride her like a bull!
Selphie: We know, Zell.
Zell: ...dude! I wish I was Squall!
Irvine & Selphie: We know, Zell.
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the hangar. Zell, Irvine and Selphie walk in. Zell and Irvine dump the shrinking machine on the floor.)
Irvine: Damn, that was heavy!
Zell: Yeah, I need a soda. Let's go.
Selphie: Yay! Soda! (she and the others turn and leave, but she accidentally flicks a switch on the shrinking machine with her butt as she turns)
(Cut to the Esthar Airstation. The Ragnorak begins to glow and then gradually starts to reduce in size.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all standing inside, drinking soda.)
Zell: ...did either of you guys feel anything, then?
Irvine: I felt Selphie's butt... but I probably shouldn't have told you that... (Selphie frowns)
Zell: No, I mean, I think something weird just happened.
Selphie: You're being paranoid, Zell. I didn't feel anything.
Irvine: (checks his watch) Oh, man! Come on, if we hurry back to Garden we might still catch the end of Quistis' love session!
Zell: We can't leave without Squall.
Selphie: ...
Zell: Or Rinoa. We can't leave without Squall or Rinoa.
Irvine: Aw, c'mon, man! Squall and Rinoa won't mind! We can fly over to Balamb, check out the rest of the lecture, then fly back here to pick up Mr. and Mrs. Lover-Lover! They probably won't even notice we've gone!
Zell: I dunno, Irvine. Whaddya think, Selphie?
Selphie: Eh...
Zell: Oh, all right then. But if Squall starts raisin' the roof, then I'll have to pin the blame onto you, Irvine.
Irvine: I wouldn't have it any other way, Zell.
(Cut to the Esthar Airstation. The Mini-Ragnorak lifts up into the sky and flies off.)
Zell: Hmm, the city looks a lot bigger than usual...
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet. Squall and Rinoa are laying on the floor, half undressed.)
Rinoa: Mmm... that was fantastic, Squally!
Squall: I know.
Rinoa: Can we go again?
Squall: In a minute, baby. I have to recover first.
Rinoa: Well... I guess I'll just have to please myself for a little while...
Squall: You do that. (opens the closet door) I'll go get us some drinks. All that heated action brought up a thirst.
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell is flying.)
Zell: Damn! I don't remember the city bein' this big before! It's taken us ten minutes to get this far, and I can still see the Airstation!
Irvine: One would think we'd be half way out of town by now...
Selphie: Oh, my goodness! What the devil is that?! (Squall is walking towards the Ragnorak)
Irvine: Oh, Hyne! Whatever it is, we're heading right for it! Zell, pull up, dammit! Pull up!
Zell: I'm tryin', man, I'm tryin'! Aahh!!!!
(Cut to Esthar, the street. Squall yawns and the Mini-Ragnorak flies straight into his mouth. He stops and then begins to cough.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit.)
Zell: Aahh!!!!
Selphie: It... It went dark all of a sudden.
Irvine: Where the hell are we?!
Zell: Just a second. Lemme put on the headlights. (flicks a switch)
Selphie: (pointing out of the window) What's that big dangly red thing?!
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet. A guard walks out of the door and buckles his belt. He then walks off down the hall. Moments later, Squall returns and goes inside to find Rinoa, half naked, laying on the floor.)
Rinoa: Oh, Squally! I missed you so!
Squall: Good. Well, I brought some soda. I just need a drink first though. I think I swallowed a bug on the way back here and my throat's a little dry. (drinks a can of soda) That's better!
(Cut to Squall's body, Squall's mouth. The Ragnorak is floating around by Squall's tonsils.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit.)
Zell: Now, I think I know how to get back to the city. We just have to-
(Cut to Squall's mouth. Some soda comes in and flushes the Ragnorak down Squall's throat.)
Zell: -aahh!!!!
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet.)
Rinoa: Shouldn't you be rocking my world by now, Squally?
Squall: One would think so, yes...
Rinoa: Uh...
Squall: Ahem...
Rinoa: Hmm...
Squall: Doo-dee-doo...
Rinoa: While you were off buying the sodas, some guy who works here at the lab was in here, bonking the hell out of me.
Squall: Sweet damn!!! (jumps onto Rinoa)
(Cut to Squall's body, Squall's left testicle. The Ragnorak is stuck in Squall's sperm.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell and Selphie are waiting anxiously. Irvine walks in.)
Irvine: Well, Toto, I don't think we're in Esthar anymore...
Zell: Well, that much we already know!! Where the hell are we?!
Irvine: I checked, and there's nothing outside for miles except... semen. Lots and lots of semen.
Zell: Semen?! Get outta here!
Irvine: You don't think I know semen when I see and taste it?! We're surrounded by the stuff! This whole cavern is full of it!
Selphie: Why on earth would someone want to full an entire cavern with semen?!
Zell: ...if this is a cavern.
Selphie: What in the heck do you mean, Zell??
Zell: Think back to that big dangly red thing... and now... we seem to be trapped in a "cavern" full of... you know...
Irvine: Oh, dear Hyne!
Selphie: You can't mean...?!
Zell: Yes...
Irvine: We're in Trabia Canyon!!!!
Zell: No! We're inside a human body!
Irvine: Awww, I was hoping I would be right for once...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to be continued...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Lemon
(Open to Balamb Garden, Squall's dormitory. Squall and Rinoa are both laying in bed together, naked.)
Squall: It's no good, Rinoa. I... I can't do it.
Rinoa: Yes, you can, Squall...
Squall: No. No, I can't! I'm sorry, Rinoa, but I just can't do it.
Rinoa: Squall, look, it's... it's just sex. It's not hard.
Squall: I know it's not hard, but... I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm too young.
Rinoa: You're not too young, Squall. You're seventeen. You're ready.
Squall: But... But I don't think I can do it, Rinoa. (lifts up the cover) Look, my... my penis isn't even erect.
Rinoa: What are you talking about? It looks erect to me. All five... FIVE? Woo... All five inches of it.
Squall: Yeah, I know it may look erect to you, Rinoa, but trust me, it's not. I'll know when it's erect.
Rinoa: Squall, it's erect!
Squall: No, it isn't.
Rinoa: Yes, it is!
Squall: All right, so maybe it is, but that still doesn't mean I'm ready to rock the casbah.
Rinoa: ...anyone would think you didn't want to have sex with me.
Squall: No, no, no, that's not it, Rinoa. I... I love you, it's just...
Rinoa: It's okay, Squall. You don't have to sugar coat it. You don't find me attractive enough to sleep with me, I understand that. I bet you've only got that erection because you're thinking of Selphie. I've seen the way you look at her. You're like freakin' Carbuncle in heat whenever she's around! Little slu-
Squall: Rinoa, please. You're not making this any easier on me. I don't ever, and never have, thought about Selphie in THAT way. It's you that I love-
Rinoa: Then why won't you make love to me?!
Squall: Because I'M SCARED!!!!
Rinoa: ...
Squall: I'm scared, Rinoa. That's the reason I won't make love to you. I'm terrified.
Rinoa: ...
(Cut to Carbuncle, sitting at his computer.)
Carbuncle: Man alive! Talk about heavy! I need to stop watching so many soap operas!
(Cut back to Squall's dormitory.)
Rinoa: ...it's all right, Squall. You're scared. I can understand that. I was scared the first time too, but-
Squall: Wait, what do you mean "the first time"? You said you were a virgin!
Rinoa: Uh...
Squall: Rinoa?
Rinoa: Okay, so I might've been around the block a few times...
Squall: A few times?! Just how many guys have you #@$%^&*?!
Rinoa: I don't know... Fourty? But none of them matter, dear, sweet, Squall. I love you.
Squall: (moving his hand about under the covers) Man, hearing about your sexual conquests is getting me hot! Damn it! To hell with nervousness! C'mere, baby! I'm gonna screw your brains out! (grabs Rinoa by the shoulders)
Rinoa: Oh, Squall...! (Squall French kisses her, roughly)
(Cut to Squall's dormitory, a year later, the present. Squall and Rinoa are both laying in bed together, naked.)
Rinoa: Remember the first time we had sex, Seifer?
Squall: Yeah... (pause) Did you just call me Seifer?!
Rinoa: No, Irvine.
Squall: Okay. Yeah, I remember that night like it was yesterday.
Rinoa: Me too. (pause) I wish I could remember exactly when it was that things turned so sour in our relationship, though.
Squall: What do you mean, sour? Things in our relationship are better than ever! I haven't hit you for six months, baby!
Rinoa: No, I mean, in the... sex department. Do you know we haven't made love for three months??
Squall: Three months?! What are you talking about, Rinoa?! We did it last night??
(Cut to Squall's dormitory, last night. Squall is laying in the bed, under the covers, naked.)
Squall: (moving up and down) Yeah, baby! Yeah! Oh, Rinoa! Oh, baby! You're sooo hot! Yeah, yeah! Oh, baby!
(Cut back to Squall's dormitory, the present.)
Rinoa: Squall, I wasn't even here last night. I was up all hours, helping Selphie with her homework.
Squall: Forget everything I just said...
Rinoa: What's wrong with us, Squall? We're young, vibrant, fun loving, teenagers! We should be doing it six nights a week at least! Come on, hump me, big boy!
Squall: I'm not in the mood.
Rinoa: "I'm not in the mood." You've been using that excuse for the last three months, Squally! It doesn't wash anymore!
Squall: Ugh... all right then. Let's do it. (rolls on top of Rinoa) Here goes... (unenthusiastically, starts bouncing up and down putting no energy into it) Oh, baby... oh, yeah... oh, you're sooo good, baby... yeah, yeah, oh, come on now... baby, yeah...
Rinoa: Squall! Squall!
Squall: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, that's right, baby... scream my name... scream for me, baby...
Rinoa: No, I mean--ugh! Get off of me! (pushes Squall off her) That was pathetic! You didn't even try to satisfy me! And another thing, this isn't supposed to be a chore!
Squall: Like I said, I'm not in the mood...
Rinoa: Well, that tears it! I think we need help!
Squall: You, maybe. I know I'm fine.
(Cut to the cafeteria. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are sitting at the gang's usual table. Squall walks in, followed by Rinoa.)
Rinoa: ...hey, hey, don't you walk away from me!
Squall: Blah blah blah! (Selphie seems uncomfortable)
Rinoa: You think about what I've said, Squally! And I mean really think! Not the usual not thinking thinking! I want to see some improvement in the bedroom department or else!
Squall: I heard! I think the whole Garden heard, too!
Rinoa: Do you think I care what the rest of Garden thinks?! I'll shout it from the roof if I have to! SQUALL LEONHART HAS LOST INTEREST IN SEX!!!!
Squall: Oh, sorry, Rinoa. I don't think they heard you in Galbadia!
Rinoa: You...! You...! Ugh! (storms out)
Squall: Looks like the lecture's over with...
Irvine: What's up with Rinoa?
Squall: She's just upset because I won't have sex with her.
Irvine: Are you nuts?!
Squall: That's what I expected you to say. But we have to face facts here, Irvine, we're not kids anymore. Some of us have outgrown this whole sex fad.
Zell: Dammit! This is jus' typical! What we have here, is one guy who's totally fed up with sex, and who I might also add, is not a virgin, and then we have another guy who's never had sex in his entire life, and is about as horny as a Bite Bug in mid-spring, but, surprise, surprise, is not getting it, and never, ever has!
Selphie: (giggles) Oh, Zell! Irvy isn't a virgin!
Irvine: No, he's talking about himself, babe...
Selphie: Get outta here! Zell's a virgin?!
Irvine: Yes...
Selphie: But... I didn't know that. I had no idea! Oh, my!
Irvine: But seriously, I think the whole Garden is aware of the fact that Zell is a virgin, babe.
Selphie: And I'm always the last person to know!
Zell: (quietly) Hyne... How I wish I could #@$% that hot little ditz of a slu-
Irvine: So, Squall, how come Rinoa doesn't do it for you, anymore?
Squall: She does still do it for me, Irvine.
Irvine: Then why aren't you porkin' her? Oh, this is... like, a problem... downstairs, right?
Squall: No, Irvine. We're not all as feeble as you. (Carbuncle: Reference to "For the Cutest Girl in the Garden." Never read it...? You lie!)
Irvine: Whoa! Easy, brother!
Cid: (walks in) Ah, if it isn't the SeeDs!
Selphie: Good morning, Headmaster Cid!
Cid: Shouldn't you three be in class right now?
Zell: Holy moly! You're right! We're late for class! Ms. Trepe is gonna kill us!
Cid: Well, if I were you, I'd hurry up and get to class, pronto. And don't dawdle.
Irvine: Have fun in class, guys! I'll be thinking of you during all that free time I'm getting!
Cid: You there! Kinneas, right?!
Irvine: Yes, sir!
Cid: You can go to class with them!
Irvine: Aw... How come?!
Cid: Because it would be much more beneficial to you than looking at porn all day!
Selphie: Irvy!! (Irvine laughs, nervously)
(Cut to the 2F Classroom. Squall, Zell and Selphie are sitting at their desks. Irvine is sharing Selphie's desk.)
Selphie: Mmm... Irvy, please don't put your hand up my skirt in here... It feels dirty...
Irvine: ...and that's why you love it.
Selphie: Please, stop it!
Irvine: Come on, Selphie. Let's do it right here, right now, right on this very desk. In front of all your classmates, too.
Selphie: Irvy!!
Irvine: Come on! It happens in other people's fics! Why can't it happen in this one?!
Selphie: Because this one is PG-13 and NOT A LEMON!!!!
Seifer: (turns around to face them) Will you two shut up?! (embarrassed) I'm gettin' stiff over here...
Irvine: Well then, perhaps we should make it a threesome instead.
Seifer: I'm in!
Selphie: No! No one is having any kind of threesome!
Zell: (pokes his head inbetween Selphie and Irvine) What about a foursome?!
Selphie: No! No sex!!
Squall: (puts his hand on his forehead) Hyne...
Quistis: (walks in) Hello, class! Today we're going to learn all about (writing on the blackboard) S... E... X...
Zell: Huh?
Quistis: Sex, Zell. We're going to talk about sex.
Zell: Oh...
Squall: Oh, Judas!
Quistis: It has been brought to my attention that many of you in this class are now sexually active, and are able to - if you ever wanted to, that is - have sex. So, it is my duty to inform and educate you, before you do so.
Seifer: (puts his hand up) Uh, Ms. Trepe. Most of us in the class have already have sex.
Quistis: You have?
Seifer: Yeah. In fact, we all learned about the birds and the bees, like, five years ago.
Quistis: You did?
Seifer: Yeah.
Quistis: Oh, well, since you've all already done it, then I suppose there's no point in me giving you that tutorial.
Seifer: Tutorial?
Quistis: Yes. You see, I had planned to have sex right here in front of the class today, to show you just how it's done. Yes, I was going to go over a number of the different positions with you, and talk you through the best techniques to satisfying your partner, but now I guess I don't have to do any of that. Shame...
Seifer: Just one second, Ms. Trepe! Zell's never done it!
Zell: Seifer!!
Seifer: It's true! He's never had sex! And... And he doesn't have a clue how to do it, either! That's why he's still a virgin! No one ever taught Zell about sex, y'see?! Poor little Zell...
Zell: (getting up) I'm gonna kick your ass, Seifer!!
Quistis: Zell? Is this true?
Zell: No! I have too had sex! Seifer's lyin'!
Quistis: Well, if he's had sex, then there really is no point in the tutorial...
Seifer: (quietly through his teeth) Dammit, Chickenwuss! Don't you wanna see Ms. Trepe doing the business or something?! I can't believe you'd pass up this opportunity to not only see her NAKED, but also having SEX!!!!
Zell: (quickly) Seifer's right, Ms. Trepe. I'm a virgin. Never had sex in my life. Don't know how, y'see? Completely clueless!
Quistis: All right then. Well, in that case, especially for Zell's benefit, I will now have sex, live, here in the classroom. Come on in, Tidus. (Tidus (from FFX) walks in, wearing his underpants) Class, I'd like you to meet the guy who is going to screw my interlectual brains out. He's not my boyfriend, in fact, I think he's currently seeing someone else, but I'm still going to have sex with him anyway. Tidus? I trust you brought... the condom?
Tidus: ...the what now?
Quistis: Ah, there you go, class. This is nothing out of the ordinary. Tidus here has forgotten to come equipped with a condom. But... But no one ever, EVER uses protection in lemons, so what the heck, I'm going to let Tidus #@$% me, anyway. (begins to unzip her top)
Seifer: This is the best lecture I've ever been to...
Zell: Oh, man...
Quistis: (voice only) That's right, Tidus. It goes into the hairy thing between my legs. (a squelching sound is heard) Ooh... that's right!
Selphie: Oh, sick!
Quistis: (voice only, moaning) Oh, oh, yes...
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all onboard. Zell is piloting.)
Irvine: I can't believe we have to go to Esthar on today of all days! We're missing out on some seriously hot lovin' 'cause of this! How come we're goin' to Esthar again, anyway?
Squall: (sighs) Dr. Odine has apparently gone crazy again and he's plotting to shrink Esthar with some kind of shrinking ray and we have to fly off to his lab, subdue the evil doctor, and destroy his size reducing machine thingy. Hyne, Irvine, y'know, just because a conversation doesn't include the word "boobies," doesn't mean it isn't interesting and worth listening to.
(Cut to Esthar, Dr. Odine's lab. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie all walk outside. Zell and Irvine are carrying the shrinking ray.)
Squall: Well, that was easy enough.
Zell: Ugh... You're not the one carryin' this damn thing!
Irvine: Yeah, how's about a little help, Mr. Leader?!
Squall: I'd rather not. You guys are doing fine. (Rinoa and Selphie both giggle) What's the matter with you two?
Selphie: Rinoa was just telling me about the time she and Raijin-
Rinoa: Shhh, Selphie! Squall doesn't need to know!
Squall: You're damned right I need to know if it involves what I think it involves! Talk, Rinoa!
Rinoa: Nuh-uh! I'm staying quiet!
Squall: Selphie? What'd she say?
Selphie: (giggles) I can't tell you!
Squall: I am your leader, Selphie, and as your leader I order you to tell me what Rinoa just said!
Selphie: All right, all right, keep your hair on! Sorry, Rinoa, but orders are orders!
Rinoa: It's okay, Selphie...
Squall: Well...?
Selphie: One time, while you and her were dating, Rinoa went off behind your back and had sex with Raijin in the Quad, and these other two guys were spying on them, and then Rinoa noticed them, and then she called them over, and then they all had one big gangbang. I don't know what a gangbang is, but I can only imagine it's something incredibly hot and sexy, and Rinoa loves them, because she's a really, really big slu-
Squall: Damn! That got me #@$%^&* hot!! (grabs Rinoa by the arm) You're coming with me, baby!
Rinoa: Squall, what the?! (Squall drags her off)
Zell: ...dude! They're gonna have sex!
Irvine: We know, Zell.
Zell: ...dude! He's gonna ride her like a bull!
Selphie: We know, Zell.
Zell: ...dude! I wish I was Squall!
Irvine & Selphie: We know, Zell.
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the hangar. Zell, Irvine and Selphie walk in. Zell and Irvine dump the shrinking machine on the floor.)
Irvine: Damn, that was heavy!
Zell: Yeah, I need a soda. Let's go.
Selphie: Yay! Soda! (she and the others turn and leave, but she accidentally flicks a switch on the shrinking machine with her butt as she turns)
(Cut to the Esthar Airstation. The Ragnorak begins to glow and then gradually starts to reduce in size.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell, Irvine and Selphie are all standing inside, drinking soda.)
Zell: ...did either of you guys feel anything, then?
Irvine: I felt Selphie's butt... but I probably shouldn't have told you that... (Selphie frowns)
Zell: No, I mean, I think something weird just happened.
Selphie: You're being paranoid, Zell. I didn't feel anything.
Irvine: (checks his watch) Oh, man! Come on, if we hurry back to Garden we might still catch the end of Quistis' love session!
Zell: We can't leave without Squall.
Selphie: ...
Zell: Or Rinoa. We can't leave without Squall or Rinoa.
Irvine: Aw, c'mon, man! Squall and Rinoa won't mind! We can fly over to Balamb, check out the rest of the lecture, then fly back here to pick up Mr. and Mrs. Lover-Lover! They probably won't even notice we've gone!
Zell: I dunno, Irvine. Whaddya think, Selphie?
Selphie: Eh...
Zell: Oh, all right then. But if Squall starts raisin' the roof, then I'll have to pin the blame onto you, Irvine.
Irvine: I wouldn't have it any other way, Zell.
(Cut to the Esthar Airstation. The Mini-Ragnorak lifts up into the sky and flies off.)
Zell: Hmm, the city looks a lot bigger than usual...
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet. Squall and Rinoa are laying on the floor, half undressed.)
Rinoa: Mmm... that was fantastic, Squally!
Squall: I know.
Rinoa: Can we go again?
Squall: In a minute, baby. I have to recover first.
Rinoa: Well... I guess I'll just have to please myself for a little while...
Squall: You do that. (opens the closet door) I'll go get us some drinks. All that heated action brought up a thirst.
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell is flying.)
Zell: Damn! I don't remember the city bein' this big before! It's taken us ten minutes to get this far, and I can still see the Airstation!
Irvine: One would think we'd be half way out of town by now...
Selphie: Oh, my goodness! What the devil is that?! (Squall is walking towards the Ragnorak)
Irvine: Oh, Hyne! Whatever it is, we're heading right for it! Zell, pull up, dammit! Pull up!
Zell: I'm tryin', man, I'm tryin'! Aahh!!!!
(Cut to Esthar, the street. Squall yawns and the Mini-Ragnorak flies straight into his mouth. He stops and then begins to cough.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit.)
Zell: Aahh!!!!
Selphie: It... It went dark all of a sudden.
Irvine: Where the hell are we?!
Zell: Just a second. Lemme put on the headlights. (flicks a switch)
Selphie: (pointing out of the window) What's that big dangly red thing?!
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet. A guard walks out of the door and buckles his belt. He then walks off down the hall. Moments later, Squall returns and goes inside to find Rinoa, half naked, laying on the floor.)
Rinoa: Oh, Squally! I missed you so!
Squall: Good. Well, I brought some soda. I just need a drink first though. I think I swallowed a bug on the way back here and my throat's a little dry. (drinks a can of soda) That's better!
(Cut to Squall's body, Squall's mouth. The Ragnorak is floating around by Squall's tonsils.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit.)
Zell: Now, I think I know how to get back to the city. We just have to-
(Cut to Squall's mouth. Some soda comes in and flushes the Ragnorak down Squall's throat.)
Zell: -aahh!!!!
(Cut to Dr. Odine's lab, the storeroom closet.)
Rinoa: Shouldn't you be rocking my world by now, Squally?
Squall: One would think so, yes...
Rinoa: Uh...
Squall: Ahem...
Rinoa: Hmm...
Squall: Doo-dee-doo...
Rinoa: While you were off buying the sodas, some guy who works here at the lab was in here, bonking the hell out of me.
Squall: Sweet damn!!! (jumps onto Rinoa)
(Cut to Squall's body, Squall's left testicle. The Ragnorak is stuck in Squall's sperm.)
(Cut to the Ragnorak, the cockpit. Zell and Selphie are waiting anxiously. Irvine walks in.)
Irvine: Well, Toto, I don't think we're in Esthar anymore...
Zell: Well, that much we already know!! Where the hell are we?!
Irvine: I checked, and there's nothing outside for miles except... semen. Lots and lots of semen.
Zell: Semen?! Get outta here!
Irvine: You don't think I know semen when I see and taste it?! We're surrounded by the stuff! This whole cavern is full of it!
Selphie: Why on earth would someone want to full an entire cavern with semen?!
Zell: ...if this is a cavern.
Selphie: What in the heck do you mean, Zell??
Zell: Think back to that big dangly red thing... and now... we seem to be trapped in a "cavern" full of... you know...
Irvine: Oh, dear Hyne!
Selphie: You can't mean...?!
Zell: Yes...
Irvine: We're in Trabia Canyon!!!!
Zell: No! We're inside a human body!
Irvine: Awww, I was hoping I would be right for once...
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to be continued...
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