Mindlessly touching her lips, Lou could still feel the sensation of Caleb's mouth pressed against hers. Her mind was flooded with so many different emotions. She had been overwhelmed with a sickening feeling of guilt once she was alone with her thoughts that evening. She knew that what she should have been feeling was anger and resentment but the truth was far more complicated than that. It wasn't just that she had let the kiss happen but more what the kiss had revealed about her relationship. Until that point the problems between Lou and her husband Peter had been only hovering somewhere deep in her subconscious and in that instant they had become very real and unavoidable. She had been only fooling herself that ignoring them would somehow make the issues go away. She had no choice now but to deal with the situation head on, no more pretending she was fine.
However Lou wasn't quite sure where to start, she could tell Peter about the kiss but that would most likely deviate away from the real problem. She knew Peter would see Caleb as an immediate threat and he had only just gotten over Caleb punching him, this would just cause unnecessary aggravation. If she then were to mention that she hadn't exactly pushed him away either, it would be obvious what Peter would take from that too. The focus of any discussion regarding the situation would become about Caleb and not about the marriage itself. After all Lou knew that Caleb's kiss hadn't made her fall in love him like some fairy-tale romance, she knew those weren't real, her current marital problems proved that. The trouble was the kiss symbolised the fact that she had fallen out of love with Peter and that was far scarier. She was afraid of saying it out loud, knowing her world would fall apart around her the moment those words left her mouth. She wasn't sure she was ready for that, not to mention the impact it would have on the girls.
Oh my God, the girls, Thought Lou feeling her heart breaking at the idea of causing them any hurt or anguish. She knew she couldn't keep pretending things were fine just for the kids, that wouldn't help any of them in the long run. It was obvious things were not getting better on their own accord, so prolonging things was only dragging the misery out further. That was it, Lou thought, she felt miserable in her marriage. Katie and Georgie were the lights of her life and her very reason for being but as a wife she couldn't feel any more alone in a dark place. Peter never understood, she had tried to mention their issues recently and he all but turned it around on her. That somehow she should be more appreciative, that she was perhaps to blame for the situation. This time she would be to blame however, she knew without any doubt that Peter would be right about that. Whatever happened next would be Lou's choice, once she had decided what she actually wanted.
Caleb, she couldn't help but involuntarily drift back to thoughts of him. She shook her head in disbelief, was she really thinking about Caleb in that way? She had been sure she didn't have feelings for him when he'd implied that she had; now she was uncertain. She could admit to herself that she enjoyed being around him though, as he had a sort of calming influence and given her tendency to be slightly highly-strung at times; his presence brought a welcome relief. He also surprisingly gave good advice and was always building her up to believe in herself, that she could do things she was unsure of. It was almost impossible not to feel good around Caleb; his care-free nature was infectious. Not to mention just how brilliant he had been with Georgie, being able to relate to her effortlessly which lead him to help her learn how to play the recorder she had been struggling with. He was even confident around little Katie. He really was the fatherly type Lou mused. Then there were his eyes that would look at Lou, mixed with concern, caring and admiration; who wouldn't want to be looked at like that every day, she began imagining. Whoa! Stop right there Lou, she internally chided herself, I am not thinking about it, about him any more, that is a road I am not going down, won't go down. Feeling a little more in control of her emotions, Lou decided to grab some coffee in the kitchen with the hopes someone else's problems could distract her from her own.