Kakashi,
It's been almost a year now. It doesn't seem like it. There are times that it feels you've only been gone a few days. That's probably when it hurts the most. Then there are times of acceptance, when the sharp grief recedes to a dull ache, and it doesn't hurt quite so much. But I always miss you, Kakashi. You know I do.
I haven't spoken to anyone about this. Not Even Tsunade-sama, though I think she knows. You know, we both knew this would happen. We're ninja, shinobi of Konaha. Death has always been a constant reality. And, secretly, we both knew it would probably be you. Kakashi of the Sharingan, jounin of the Hidden Leaf village. But I always hoped that maybe….. it wouldn't. A fool's hope, but it was still there.
You know, the hardest thing about this wasn't the funeral. By then I had accepted the fact that you were gone. As much as I ever would. No, the hardest part was when the ANBU came back, and Tsunade summoned me to the hospital. You were still warm to the touch, and I thought they could save you. They tried so hard. The funny thing is, I don't blame them. Or you. I could never, ever blame you, Kakashi. I love you too much.
After the funeral, when all the ninja left me alone, and I was packing up your stuff that was strewn around my apartment. I haven't finished, you know. I probably never will. Your scent is still here, your memory. I even have Icha Icha on the shelf, believe it or not. It's the only way you can still be here, keeping your stuff.
Kakashi, what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. I still visit the memorial stone every day. Now I have one more name to stare at, one more person to apologize to.
There are times when I want to end it all, to join you, but I don't. You wouldn't want me to. We promised each other that we would keep living. No matter how hard it hurts.
I'm folding this up, and putting it under your pillow. Even though your never coming back, maybe somehow it'll mean something to what ever's left of you.
I love you, 'Kashi-kun. I just want you to know that. And I'll never stop.
Iruka.