Sitting atop Kaede's hut, scowling up at the heavenly body, the hanyou knew his transformation would take place a lot sooner than he wanted it to. But then he never looked forward to the night when his youkai blood waned away. He'd find himself as weak and defenseless as the humans in the village. And even though he had spent his entire life living with this circumstance, he found he still couldn't accept what was the result of his particular parentage. Try as he might to come to terms with it, the feeling of his strength dwindling away to nothing would leave a void in his heart. One that would quickly fill up with the myriad of emotions he felt on that damnedable night: anger, frustration, impatience, and fear.
At least having Kagome by his side, as she had been for so long, brought him some comfort on those nights. He knew she would again when the moon was gone. Knowing said girl was in the hut below, Inuyasha's scowl shifted to a look of meditation, his thick brows creasing heavily in thought. Kagome had been on his mind lately, a lot more than usual. It wasn't due to any trouble they might of had looking for Naraku, or any rumors about jewel shards. The fact of the matter was, there wasn't any. Naraku had been defeated and the jewel was now complete, finding a resting place around Kagome's neck. It was due to the fact that things had been going very well between the two of them since Naraku's demise.
That had been almost seven months ago.
Inuyasha knew exactly how much time had passed because within a span of a month since returning to the village, Miroku and Sango were married, and she became pregnant with one of the ten to twenty children she promised Miroku she would give him.
The taiji-ya was now protruding well into her sixth month, and the monk was learning a very valuable lesson: A pregnant Sango was much more frightening to deal with than the one who had repeatedly beaten him about the head with Hiraikotsu.
During those months Inuyasha was fortunate to witness something he never anticipated - his relationship with Kagome grow and deepen in ways he never really thought were possible. She had already become a stable fixture in his life from the time they spent in their quest for Naraku and the shards. She was a constant he had learned he couldn't live without, her presence was always there, always needed and welcome. He shared a bond with her unlike any he'd ever had before, an unspoken bond of love, trust, and acceptance. Words weren't necessary between the two of them. They had an understanding of each other that ran stronger and deeper than the threads of fate.
This was what Inuyasha wanted, what he yearned for his whole life. He had no idea there could be so much more┘or that it could be so overwhelming.
Every day something happened that made him marvel at the beautiful woman in his life and ask how he could be so lucky to have her by his side. (He'd never tell her this. He never was very good with words.) Then the whirlwind of his emotions would pick up, spinning around inside his hanyou body. They'd crash against his heart like a tumultuous storm, stirring up a passion he never knew he was capable of feeling. The ardor would build and throb through his blood while wave after wave of an inexplicable desire swirled within him. From the depths of his heart a yearning grew, spreading itself out, climbing its way up until it spilled out into his soul, and consumed him whole. It was at these moments he felt like he was drowning and found it difficult to breath. It was at these moments he'd turn to Kagome, knowing just the smile on her face was enough to calm him down.
Right now, he felt like he was drowning in the emotional sea that had pulled him under, and he needed to see her more than anything. He needed her at his side, soothing him, comforting him, telling him with the simplest of actions that he was going to be okay. Knowing she was in the hut below gave him some measure of ease, but it wasn't enough. He hated being overwhelmed like this, and he had been a lot lately. He couldn't stop thinking about Kagome and the relationship he had with her, or the way in which they had come to where they were. She had given him everything she had to offer, she gave him her heart and soul and her unconditional love. He accepted it, breathing it in and bringing his heart to life. Letting him completely live again and allowing himself to open up and return the love Kagome had given him. He had no complaints. In fact, he couldn't be happier. Or so he thought.
A small impression tugged at the back of his mind; it had for several weeks now. It wasn't anything big enough to fuss over, yet it wasn't small enough to ignore. It resided there, sitting like a quiet intruder in the back of his thoughts, never pestering him, yet never leaving him alone. If anything, it compelled him to wonder about something he had never thought of before: his relationship with Kagome, and if they had reached the most of their potential together, or if there was something more. He knew the answer and it frightened him.
There was much more for him to achieve with Kagome. He just wasn't sure if he was ready for it. He knew what brought on this question, and the answers that accompanied it. Its source was currently sleeping below him in the hut - Miroku and Sango. Or more precisely, Sango. He had watched her body grow and expand as the baby inside her formed and took shape. The first five months he found it hard to believe she was pregnant, there were hardly any indications that she was. True, her belly began to protrude a little bit, but the only thing that really told him she was pregnant was the way her scent changed as the pregnancy progressed. She smelled like Sango: earthen yet sweet. A rich combination of evergreens and jasmine, mixed with ginseng and the metallic of Kagome's bathing products. But underneath it all was a scent truly unique to the taiji-ya. It was one made from the combination of herself and Miroku. Inuyasha could pick it apart and tell whose scent was whose. Miroku's scent, for the most part was earthen as well. But it had a musk that would have dominated if it wasn't for the sandalwood that stifled it. These perfumed smells combined created the scent that would be Miroku and Sango's child. Inuyasha memorized it, knowing subconsciously that someday he'd protect its owner as if it were his own child.
And that's where the thoughts started.
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It was the very end of her fifth month; her belly was protruding a bit more and the scent of her child was growing stronger everyday. She had startled everyone one morning with what sounded like a squawk. Blushing profusely, she said how she had felt the baby move. Several moments later -- after Miroku had reveled in the feel of his unborn child moving about, and Shippou and Kagome had squealed in delight knowing there was a life growing inside her -- Inuyasha sat with his hands placed timorously on Sango's stomach. His eyes had gone wide with surprise, stunned by the small movements that fluttered beneath his fingers.
"Are you all right, Inuyasha?" Sango had asked him.
Looking up at her, he answered in a quiet, yet gruff voice. "Keh, I'm fine┘I've just- I've never felt a baby move before."
"Well, you'll get a chance to feel it even more as the next three months go on," Sango smiled at him. "The bigger the baby grows, the more active he or she will become." Inuyasha continued feeling the baby for a few more minutes, caught up in the fascination of it all. It was Kagome's hand on his shoulder that pulled him out of his reverie. "Inuyasha."
Blushing, he quickly removed his hands and looked down. For some reason he couldn't look Kagome in the eyes.
"Inuyasha, aren't you going to help the villagers build a house for Anzai and his wife?" Kagome asked innocently.
"Keh, of course I am. I said I would help, didn't I?" The blush disappeared and Inuyasha folded his arms over his chest. "I suppose I had better see if everyone's ready. No one else is going to be able to cut down those trees." he commented, beating Kagome to her own words as he got up and headed towards the door.
Kagome just smiled after him, watching the reed door swing shut against its frame.
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Inuyasha did more than his fair share with helping build the house. Felling trees and stripping them of their bark, he sliced them according to the size the village headman wanted. While doing this, his mind kept returning to the small life growing inside Sango. At one point a lopsided grin stretched across his face as he imagined it was Kagome becoming swollen into her sixth month and not the taiji-ya.
His heart skipped a beat and he abruptly stopped what he was doing. 'Where the hell did that come from?'
"Inuyasha-sama, is everything okay?" the headman asked with concern. The hanyou had stopped cutting down a tree in mid-swing, his hand poised and ready to strike.
"Keh, I'm fine," Inuyasha grunted, quick to cover any embarrassment. "I┘I just wasn't sure if this tree was needed or not."
'Good recovery,' he praised himself.
"One more tree should be just fine, Inuyasha-sama," the headman answered. "And Inuyasha-sama, I can't thank you enough for helping us today. Already the foundation is set and the walls are ready to be framed. We would have never gotten this far if it wasn't for your help."
"Keh, it was nothing." Inuyasha responded, not paying much attention to the man's rambling. He was trying to figure out how his thoughts had traveled from a pregnant Sango to a pregnant Kagome. Add to that the fact that he knew what had been done to make Sango that way┘and that's what it would take to make Kagome the same.
Blushing to match his suikan, he quickly did away with the final tree, hoping the action would shake the thought from his head. It didn't. The thought just settled itself in the back of his mind.
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That was little over three weeks ago and no matter how hard he tried, Inuyasha couldn't get the thought out of his head. (It didn't help any that he had its initial source constantly around him serving as a reminder.) But it wasn't just the idea of Kagome being pregnant that took up residence in his mind. It was the process needed for Kagome to get that way: sex, or making love, as she put it.
The very thought of it would send Inuyasha fumbling and bumbling over himself, his cheeks red with embarrassment, and his palms warm and sweaty. He knew very little about sex, mostly that it was a necessary step in creating a child. He had been told by Miroku that it could be quite fun with the right person.
"With the right person - someone you love, yes." Miroku had told him one afternoon as they sat outside Kaede's hut waiting for their respective women, and Shippou and Kirara to come back from a walk. "It can be very enjoyable."
That had sent Inuyasha's mind reeling. Sex could be enjoyable?
His thoughts traveled back to the few times growing up -- when he wasn't fighting to survive -- that he had stumbled upon a man and woman together in the woods. It hadn't taken him much to figure out what the two were doing, but what he remembered were either cries and pleas for the man to stop, or moans and noises that couldn't possibly mean the two were enjoying themselves┘could they? Inuyasha never stayed around long enough to find out.
He remembered one particular girl he had seen with a man in the woods one day. He saw her months later; her belly protruding much the way Sango's was now. He saw her again, months after that, this time with a baby in a sling placed on her back. He never saw the man she had been with in the woods.
It wasn't until a few years later that he understood the meaning of the word 'rape' and the consequences that went along with it.
"Why do you ask, Inuyasha?" the monk asked slyly, pulling the hanyou from his distant thoughts. "Are you and Kagome-sama planning to┘"
"What? No-no," Inuyasha huffed, his cheeks becoming a rosy pink. Turning his head away, he focused his eyes on the nearest tree. Stumbling over his words, he continued. "It's not that- Kagome's not- She's not interested in that, you letch, and neither am I."
"Then why did you ask me about it, Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha fidgeted while wringing his hands in his sleeves. He didn't like it that he was suddenly put on the spot. He was positive Miroku was smirking at him and he would have liked nothing more than to smack the look off of the monk's face. "I dunno, I-I just felt like it, okay!" That was a lame excuse if he'd ever heard one.
Miroku's chuckle confirmed this. "If you say so, my friend."
"Listen, you letch," Inuyasha growled, turning to glare daggers at Miroku. Before he could get any further, and most likely save himself from humiliation, Kagome and Sango came back from their walk.
"Ah Sango, the beautiful woman who is doing me the honor of bearing my children." Miroku praised, watching his wife approach the hut, Kirara sitting at her usual perch - on Sango's shoulder. Standing up, he reached for Sango's hand, kissing her forehead and helping her to sit down. Kirara jumped down and sat beside Sango once her mistress was comfortable.
"Keh, damn well right it's an honor," Inuyasha grumbled, glaring at Miroku. The monk just smiled at him, sending an uncomfortable tingle down his spine. "Inuyasha, I have to go home tonight, remember? It's Mama's birthday." Kagome said after she sat down next to the hanyou, and cast her warm blue-grey eyes in his direction, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Shippou sat down next to her and smiled when he saw the faint blush cover Inuyasha's face. 'Idiot's been with Kagome for months now and he still blushes.' "Yeah, I remember." he answered gruffly. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "I already said you could go, remember."
"That's funny Inuyasha, I don't remember that I had to ask your permission to go." The look on her face and inflection in her voice was enough to made him wince inside. As quickly as it came on, the stormy mood was gone, and Kagome was smiling again. "You're coming with, aren't you?"
"Of course I am. Eh, when do you want to go?" He asked the question knowing it would gain him some points. He didn't want to see Kagome upset on what was a very important day for her.
Kagome's smile got wider, and Inuyasha knew everything was fine.
"How about we go right now? We can stock up on some food. Oh, and I can get some more vitamins for you, Sango-chan," she informed the pregnant woman. "And maybe a few more books too. And I want to start buying baby clothes, if that's all right."
Sango laughed as Kagome beamed about bringing back baby clothes. The glow on her face was almost as bright as the one haloing the taiji-ya's. "Of course you can start buying baby clothes, Kagome-chan. And I know I'll love everything you bring back."
Inuyasha watched the exchange between the two woman, and the thoughts in his mind started to wander again. He took note of the happy glow that surrounded Kagome whenever she began talking about the baby and compared it to the one Sango had. Kagome had told him pregnant women developed what was known as a "maternal glow" which meant they were healthy and happy to be carrying the child of the man they loved. Sango developed this shortly after she found out she was pregnant, and it grew over the months, along with the baby. Kagome had developed a glow as well, but one that was created from the excitement of the taiji-ya's pregnancy. Inuyasha took in Kagome's presently sunny face and imagined that she was the one pregnant, not Sango. In his mind he saw that maternal light about her; Kagome laughing and happy that she was carrying Inuyasha's child as she ran her hand lightly across her belly.
Startled by where his thoughts took him, Inuyasha blinked several times trying to clear his head. 'Why do I keep thinking about Kagome being pregnant?! Is that what I want?'
Inuyasha glanced quickly at her, a blush spreading lightly across his cheeks once more. 'The only way to get her like that-' He gulped. 'I can't do that!'
"Kagome if you want to get all that stuff before this party of yours then we'd better go now," Inuyasha said sharply, abruptly standing up. He had to get the thoughts out of his head, now. What a better way to do that than find something to occupy his time in Kagome's world. "We're coming back tonight," he added, seeing the scowl form on Kagome's face. "I was hoping to stay overnight, Inuyasha," she groused, standing up beside him.
"Nope. We'll get the shopping done that you want to do, go to you mom's party for a couple hours, but then we're coming right back here." Inuyasha folded his arms over his chest, telling her the decision had been made.
"A couple hours?" Kagome said incredulously. "Inuyasha, Mama's party is going to be more than a couple hours. I want to stay for the whole thing, which means we'll have to stay the night."
"I said no. We're coming back tonight." Inuyasha stalemated, he was sticking by his decision.
"I want to stay the night," Kagome told him slowly, carefully emphasizing every word. Her fisted clenched at her sides and her eyes started to grow stormy again.
Inuyasha looked at her, knowing she was getting mad with him, but he refused to concede to what she wanted. "We're coming back," he told her, emphasizing every word in return.
"Inuyasha┘"
"Kagome┘"
"Osuwari!" Kagome yelled, watching the stubborn hanyou slam to the ground.
"Oi! What the fuck was that for?!" he mumbled up through a mouth full of dirt.
"This is my mama's birthday party, Inuyasha," Kagome began, her words spoken with a controlled and icy chill of anger. "I'm going to be there for the entire thing which means I'm staying the night. If you have a problem with that then don't come, I'll go by myself. I'll just tell Mama you were too busy being a stubborn jerk to come with me. I'm sure she'll understand."
Kagome then turned to walk inside Kaede's hut and grab her backpack. The disgruntled hanyou looked up to see Miroku, Sango and Shippou shaking their heads.
'After all this time he still acts like an idiot,' Shippou commented to himself.
I'll see you all tomorrow," Kagome smiled, stepping out of Kaede's hut. Looking down, she gave Inuyasha a quick glare then made her way towards the well.
"Oi, Kagome, wait," he yelled, finally able to get to his feet. He knew he screwed up, big time, and he had to make it up to her somehow.
Catching up to her, he halted in his tracks when she turned around and shot him with a look that froze him from the inside out. Ears drooping and head bowed a bit, he relented. "┘We can stay the night."
"I planned on staying whether you liked it or not." Her words were still cold, but they didn't have that dangerous edge to them like before.
Inuyasha looked up at her, planning a retort, but Kagome stopped him. "Besides, I think Mama would like it if you came."
Inuyasha saw the smile return to the corners of her mouth and he knew she wasn't going to be upset with him much longer. "Keh, of course I'm gonna come. Why the hell wouldn't I?"
"Oh, because you can be a stubborn jerk sometimes," Kagome chided.
"Hey!" Inuyasha complained, only to be silenced by a hug and a kiss.
"Let's go. I want to make sure I get everything before the party starts." Kagome then took hold of his hand as they walked to the well.
"Whatever, Kagome," Inuyasha replied, giving her hand a squeeze, he smiled when she squeezed it back.
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Since their return from the party, Inuyasha found that his thoughts kept focusing more and more on the more intimate aspect of his and Kagome's relationship, or more precisely, the fact that they hadn't reached that particular level of it yet. He realized he always knew that was another step. It was just one he hadn't allowed himself to think about, or wanted to. Despite knowing Kagome loved him, and he loved her, the idea of them becoming close in such an intimate way scared him, so he always kept it the farthest thing from his mind.
'What if she rejects me? What if she says no?' Deep down, he knew the thoughts were ludicrous- 'Kagome wouldn't do that. She loves me.' -but he couldn't help the underlying fear that lay buried deep in his heart. He had convinced himself it was enough knowing how she felt, and having her by his side. What more could he ask for?
A lot more, as his thoughts continued to tell him┘and eventually his body. A warm feeling always swirled through him every time he was around Kagome, and his skin would tingle at her slightest touch. He enjoyed the rush he felt every time he kissed her, suddenly becoming lightheaded and happy. Most nights when they'd sleep -- when he wasn't too restless to be awake -- he'd either hold her snug in his arms, pressed up against the trunk of the Goshinboku Tree, or spooned up against her back in the blanketing warmth of her sleeping bag as they slept in Kaede's hut. Having her in his arms sent a steady rhythm of comfort throughout his body, placating his need to be near her.
Sometimes the warmth would pool slightly in his chest, and especially below his waist, but he would effectively block out the sensation, not even acknowledging it was happening. But the past few weeks it had become something he could no longer ignore; the warmth would pool until it grew into a pulsing heat that settled and throbbed stiffly between his legs. Awkward and painful, he felt uncomfortable knowing thoughts about he and Kagome and┘that were causing his body to react this way - to become aroused. But he realized he couldn't help it, and remembered all the other times he felt the same embers burning quietly in his loins. Only now it had grown into a fire that sometimes hurt to contain. So, there sat Inuyasha, perched atop Kaede's hut thinking about what the more intimate moments of his relationship with Kagome could be like. "Why the fuck do I keep thinking about this?" he harshly asked himself, fidgeting. He reached down between his legs to try and quell his arousal, growling as he felt his cheeks become warm.
'And why the hell do I keep blushing about it? Miroku said it's natural for two people who love each other to do that.' He remembered that from another conversation he'd had with the monk a few days after returning from the party. Miroku had approached him about what they had previously discussed, telling Inuyasha it was perfectly normal to feel that way about Kagome and to want to take their relationship to the next step.
"I already told you we're not interested in doing that." Inuyasha had growled at the monk. He was already regretting asking Miroku about sex. Miroku just smiled at him, replying with a twinkle in his eyes. "Just remember what I told you, Inuyasha."
'It's perfectly natural? So it's okay to be thinking and feeling this way?' Inuyasha turned his gaze downward to picture the woman staying in the hut below him. "I-I wonder if Kagome ever thinks about┘about that?"
"Inuyasha? Inuyasha?" Kagome called, pulling him from his thoughts.
"What?" he answered back, his voice a bit raspy and dry.
"I can't sleep. Will you go for a walk with me?"
"Keh, at this time of night," he mumbled, looking at the waning moon. Slowly, he began to stand. "What is it all of a sudden with you and these moonlit walks?" he asked, adjusting the front of his hakama. Thankfully, they were baggy enough to hide any indiscretions he might of had, and his body had calmed down enough that any signs that he was aroused were disappearing. He had no idea how he would've explained it to Kagome if it were noticeable.
"I don't know," Kagome said, her eyes smiling in the moonlight as Inuyasha jumped down and landed by her side. "I guess I just find it very peaceful. And I like spending time with you." Her voice suddenly turned serious. "Is that so bad, Inuyasha?"
"No, no it's not bad at all," he said, trying to placate her. 'Shit, now what the hell did I do to piss her off?'
But one look in her eyes and it didn't matter. Inuyasha loved the way the moonlight made her eyes look like two dark shimmering pools. All the love she felt for him was expressed in those depths. If it was possible, he would wade into them and stay there.
"So, where are we going this time?" he asked.
"I don't know. Where ever we end up." Taking his hand, the two quietly made their way out of the village.
They had reached the forest in no time, walking in amicable silence, enjoying each others company. Inuyasha's thoughts, however, were spinning around in his head and he found that every time he'd glance at Kagome they'd race to two things: the words Miroku had spoken to him, and them doing that. No matter how many times his thoughts went to it he couldn't help the blush that accompanied it. It was one of those things that he just couldn't imagine it leaving his head and becoming reality, even if it was with Kagome, the woman he knew he loved. So, to keep his thoughts from racing any further, he kept to watching the stars as they twinkled above.
He also didn't want Kagome to pick up on how restless he was inside so he steeled his emotions the best that he could, presenting a relaxed front and making his attitude seem casual.
But Kagome wasn't that easily deceived.
"What are you thinking about, Inuyasha?" She stopped just a few feet from the Goshinboku Tree, turning to give the hanyou a questioning look.
"Uh, nothing. Why do you ask?" he replied, stumbling a bit over his words. 'She knows something's wrong. Dammit!'
"Well," she began, giving him a knowing look. "For one, you've hardly looked at me at all since we left the village. And two," her voice gained the slightest lacing of annoyance, "you have this death grip on my hand, and it's beginning to hurt."
"Oh," Inuyasha winced, letting go, "sorry." He shoved his hands into his sleeves, quickly looking away.
Kagome brought her hand up to gently rub the pain away. "That's okay," she said with a smile. "It's only the hand I use to nock the arrows. It'll be fine." She wanted to make light of the situation since she could tell something was bothering Inuyasha, and she thought the tone in her voice had conveyed that. She found out she was wrong.
"I said I was sorry." Inuyasha sounded disgruntled, turning his head slightly to glower at her.
"I know, Inuyasha," Kagome told him in a placating manner. Placing her hand on his arm she continued. "I was just teasing."
"Keh," he grunted in return, glancing the other way.
A few heartbeats of silence past before they finally reached the Goshinboku. Turning to lean against the tree, Kagome watched Inuyasha fidget; his gaze never coming up to meet hers. 'I wonder what he's thinking about to have him so restless?' "So, what's on your mind?" she eventually ventured.
"It's nothing," he lied, suddenly aware of his body language. He stiffened, putting his defenses up. There was no way he wanted Kagome to even have an idea of what he was thinking about. It would be too embarrassing to explain. "Nothing for you to worry about," he told her bluntly.
"Are you sure about that?" The doubt could be heard clearly in her voice. "It seems to have you pretty distracted."
"Bah, I'm fine." he half mumbled, half growled at her, looking her in the face this time.
"Then why don't you tell me what it is?" she asked, curiosity filtering through her words.
Inuyasha stared at Kagome a quick moment. An image of the two of them doing that instantly flashed before his face, sending a heated blush up and across his cheeks. Looking away again, he stammered out, "Because I-I don't wanna-" He froze on his words. How was he going to get out of this? 'Oh fuck it!' "There's nothing to talk about."
"Inuyasha."
"I said I don't want to talk about it!" He snapped at her, his eyes flaring, and his face now red with anger.
"All right!" Kagome yelled back, standing up straight, her fists clenched tightly at her sides. "I won't force you to, but I don't like it when you shut me out." She leaned back against the tree again, her fists still at her sides, her eyes cast down to the ground. She felt a pang thrumming quietly in her chest, and she couldn't help but be a little hurt by what he had said. "We promised we'd tell each other everything."
Inuyasha winced again, knowing what Kagome said was true. They'd been more open with each other as their relationship had grown, and they'd came to share things that they never had before. Inuyasha had started to tell her more about his past: his mother, her death, and what it was like growing up in a world where everyone hated him. He knew he could tell her these things and none of it would matter to her. Kagome would still love him unconditionally. But when it came to talking about the more intimate parts of their relationship -- something they had never once discussed -- and what was needed to make it that way, he didn't know if he could do it. He felt like an idiot for making her feel bad, and he didn't want to hurt her or make her upset, he just didn't know what to say.
So he said nothing┘Or, at least tried to.
"Would you tell me, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, a quiet pleading in her voice.
A heavy sigh made its way up for his chest. "I don't," he started, then changed where his thoughts were going. He knew he couldn't deny Kagome, he just wasn't sure he was ready to talk to her about this. "Fuck Kagome, it's not that easy," he ground out. 'How the hell do I tell you I've been thinking about us having- about us doing┘'
"Could you at least try?" Her voice was quiet as she glanced up at him from under her bangs. "I know there's something on your mind. I wish you'd tell me what it is."
"It's not that I don't want to. It's just-" 'I don't know how.'
"Just what?" Kagome watched the hanyou intently, noticing uncertainty play across his face. "Inuyasha?"
"It's something I'm not comfortable talking about. It's-it's embarrassing!" His words were harsher than he wanted them to be, but he was frustrated. He had been dealing with the thoughts, and the accompanying emotions for weeks now. How did he tell her about it?
"This is a lot more serious than I thought," Kagome remarked, a stern expression covered her face while she continued to watch Inuyasha.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he demanded, narrowing his eyes at her a bit.
"Exactly what it sounds like," she replied, a touch of annoyance lacing her words. "Inuyasha, all this time that I've known you, you've never gotten embarrassed. That was something that never happened You'd get flustered or frustrated and end up yelling at everybody, but never embarrassed. Yet, here you are telling me whatever this thing is that's obviously bothering you is too embarrassing for you to talk about?" She gave him a pleading look, her eyes big and soulful, hoping he'd open up to her. "Please, Inuyasha, tell me what it is."
"┘All right," the hanyou replied, feeling his resolve begin to crack, he hated it when she gave him that look. Closing his eyes, he let out a heavy sigh. "I'll try, but I don't know if I can promise you anything." Inuyasha was insistent with these last words; he didn't want Kagome to get her hopes up too high. What if he just couldn't tell her?
"I'm not asking you to," she smiled at him, letting him know she understood. "Just try, all right."
Giving her a quick nod, he gathered his thoughts the best that he could, then tried to tell her what he was feeling. "Kagome┘" he started, only to falter after her name. 'How the fuck do I tell her this?'
He looked at her, quickly studying her face, seeing the anticipation hidden in the corners of her mouth and shining in her eyes. 'I just have to do it,' he decided, his eyebrows, which had twitched down just the slightest in irritation, relaxing. He didn't want to let Kagome down. Letting out a breath and looking away to the shadows behind her, Inuyasha continued on, stammering his way through the first few words. "You know what it like┘do you know what it feels like to be so overwhelmed by something that you sometimes don't know what to do about it?"
His gaze came back to Kagome, trying to gauge her reaction, wondering if she'd say anything. He was off to a good start so far, he had gotten more out than he expected. Deciding he didn't want to lose his momentum, and keep Kagome's words at bay a bit longer, he went on. "You get that feeling like everything could spin out of control -- or that you're drowning, but then it takes just one small thing to bring it all back into focus." Kagome nodded at this unusual question, her own brows twitching down slightly this time. "Sometimes I felt that way when we were still trying to get Naraku."
As if he was nodding an approval, a flat smile formed on his mouth. He found he wasn't surprised by her answer. "What did you do? I mean, what helped to calm you down?" he asked.
A contemplative look covered Kagome's face, her thoughts turning inward, rummaging through the memories of the past year and a half. She smiled, finding what she wanted. "Well, it was a number of things: thinking about my family, my friends," -a small lopsided grin pulled up on Kagome's mouth, remembering something that always made the hanyou complain- "getting a hot meal and a roof over our heads."
"Keh," Inuyasha grunted, scowling at her and the remark, folding his arms into the sleeves of his suikan again.
Kagome didn't try to hide the laugh that escaped past her lips. Memories flooded her mind about how Inuyasha used to criticize Miroku's less then scrupulous ways of obtaining lodging. 'You did it again, didn't you? What's the evil jyaki you sense this time, Miroku? And how ominous did you say it was to get us lodging this nice?' Despite it all, and saying he'd prefer sleeping out in a tree, Kagome was pretty sure that Inuyasha never minded the warmth and comfort a roof over his head had supplied. It was on those night that she actually saw his get some sleep. He'd never stay asleep for very long -- he had his friends, and Kagome to protect -- but at least she'd get to see him somewhat calm and relaxed.
The thought of Inuyasha like that brought Kagome back to what the hanyou had asked her- 'What helped calm you down?' -and what she had been telling him. With a warm smile covering her face, she looked at Inuyasha and finished her answer. "But it was mostly you."
A smile danced in Inuyasha's eyes and on his mouth, his face blushing at the words she said. He was happy there was enough shadows in the waning moonlight that Kagome couldn't see how red he was. Fidgeting just the smallest amount, he shifted his gaze to the ground; he suddenly found he couldn't look at her anymore and he really didn't know why. Watching his behavior, and the way he avoided her gaze, Kagome's smile turned down into a frown. Was there something really bothering him? He had been opening himself up to her more and more since that day when they admitted they loved each other. It made her happy to know that his trust and love in her was so strong that he felt comfortable enough to talk to her about anything, and tell her about his past. There was nothing she didn't know about him, just as there was nothing he didn't know about her.
Yet here he was, almost acting like the Inuyasha she used to know while they were hunting for the shards and Naraku -- fidgety, nervous, closed off, and self-conscious. She was concerned about his behavior, and it made her wonder more about what he had asked her, and if there really was something bothering him. "Inuyasha, why are you asking me about this stuff? Is there something you're not telling me about?" she questioned, unable to keep the hint of worry out of her voice. "Is there something overwhelming you?"
Inuyasha lifted his head to look at Kagome a moment. Staring into her darkened eyes, he could see the unease that was beginning to swim there. He didn't want to scare or upset her, he wanted her to try and understand. The only way that would happen was him continuing to tell her what he could. Taking a quick breath, he went on, doing his best.
"It-It's not fun feeling like that -- being overwhelmed -- especially when you know what's causing it. You're able to stop it, but each time it happens it becomes harder and harder to get under control. Eventually, you may not be able to, no matter how hard you try."
Kagome became distressed by these words, she didn't like the way they sounded one bit. A small chill began to prick lightly at her heart. In a firm voice, she demanded, "What's wrong? What going on?"
Inuyasha noticed how Kagome's scent had changed, he could pick up on the trepidation that seeped in, alerting him to the seriousness that the situation was fast becoming. 'Dammit! Way to go, idiot!' he reprimanded himself. 'You didn't want to upset her, but you're doing a damned good job of it! How ya gonna get outta this one?'
Inuyasha stared at Kagome; he resembled a fish, opening and closing his mouth, trying to find something to say, but nothing would come out. Releasing a disgruntled sigh, he did the first thing that came to his mind. He reached out and grabbed her by the arms, pulling her closer until their lips locked together in a warm kiss. Kagome gasped at the sudden show of affection; this allowed Inuyasha to slip his tongue into her mouth and enjoy the sweetness that was her.
Kagome felt herself become pliant in his hold, relaxing herself against him, enjoying the kiss as much as he did. It caught her unexpectedly, but she didn't mind it one bit. She liked it when Inuyasha did things spontaneously. She sighed into his mouth when one of his hands came up to cup her cheek.
Reluctantly, Inuyasha broke the kiss, his lip twitching up in one corner into a quick smile when he heard Kagome's small whimper of protest. He could kiss her the rest of the night if she'd let him, but then he'd be avoiding the situation, and he knew Kagome wouldn't appreciate it. Brushing the pad of his thumb across her cheek, Inuyasha looked into Kagome's eyes. "I'm not always good with telling you how I feel. But I try," he told her softly.
"I already know that," she replied, just as soft.
"No, no you don't." Inuyasha shook his head, a serious expression writ across his face.
"What do you mean?" Kagome's brows knit low, and her eyes filling up with confusion. Again, a frown pulled down at the corners of her mouth.
Letting go of her, Inuyasha stepped away, turning his thoughts inward. How was he going to explain what he meant by that? Hell, he wasn't even sure if he knew what he meant by that. He'd gotten better at telling Kagome how he felt. He'd stumble and trip over his words now and then, but he always found a way to tell her. 'So why was this time any different?' He knew what the answer was, and it scared him.
'There has to be some way to talk about this.' He pondered over the topic hanging in front of him, but couldn't come up with anything. 'Damn it, Kagome. Always observant, aren't you? I'm never able to hide anything with you by my side.' At that instant, an idea struck him. 'That's it!' His eyes grew wide, their amber depths glistening with a renewed sense of hope. He might not know exactly what he meant by his words, but there was one thing he was sure of -- that he loved Kagome and he enjoyed having her by his side. He wouldn't have it any other way, and if he could somehow explain what it meant for him to have her there, maybe she'd understand what he was trying to say.
"Inuyasha?" he heard her say. Glancing up at her, from under thick shaggy bangs, he could see the confusion and concern on her face. "Kagome," he lifted his head to meet her gaze, "You like being by my side, right?" he asked, simply.
"You know I do," she answered, giving him a quizzical look.
"Well, I-I," Inuyasha floundered with his words, suddenly feeling his throat get tight. 'Oh just come out and say it dammit! You're makin' it more difficult than it has to be.' Taking a quick, cleansing breath, he spit it out. "I like being by your side too." Inuyasha looked at Kagome, affection flashing in his eyes. "I always have." The smile that spread across Kagome's face was one full of love and warmth. It reached her eyes, shimmering there. This brought a small smile to Inuyasha, encouraging him to go on. "I know I've never really told you before-"
"Inuyasha, you didn't have to," Kagome quieted him, putting a finger to his lips. "I've always known."
That simple touch sent a bolt of electricity throughout his body, sparking from where her finger touched him all the way down to the tips of his toes. Inuyasha could of sworn he felt his heart skip a beat as it somersaulted in his chest. 'Dammit, Kagome! You're not making this easy for me!' Grabbing her hand, he gently moved it away. "But this is different."
The was no denying the look of concern on her face when Kagome began to ask him. "Inuyasha?"
Caught in a whirl of emotions that one single touch had started, Inuyasha felt an all too familiar overwhelming sensation begin to rise. 'No, not now.' Smothering it before it could get the better of him, he used it as leverage to explain how he felt. "Being with you is overwhelming sometimes, and I hate it."
Kagome's look of concern grew, her eyes becoming wide and full of questions; there was also a little bit of distress lingering around the corners. Inuyasha winced inside; he knew he had screwed up again. 'No, you never were good with words, idiot.' He worked quickly to make amends, faltering along the way. "Not being with you - No, I mean I like being with you. I do. It's being overwhelmed that I can't stand┘and it's been happening a lot. It's not just that. I've been thinking a lot about us too."
Kagome's eyes softened, expressing the affection she felt for him. Reaching up with delicate fingers, she ran them lightly across his cheek, twisting her hand until it wrapped around one of the forelocks than hung over his shoulder.
Despite the shadows that passed over them, Inuyasha could see love glistening in her eyes. Deciding to carry on before he lost his nerve, especially with the way she was looking at him, he took both of her hands in his, pulling her close once more. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to tell her, but he knew he couldn't stop. He'd just tell her the first thing that came to his mind. "Kagome, you've been by my side for so long; you mean so much to me. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like to be without you." "I couldn't either," she told him simply. "And, to be honest, I don't want to,"
'Neither do I.' Inuyasha felt his heart swell at her words, filling with the love he knew she felt for him. In return, the love he felt stirred in his blood, making his whole body tingle. Regardless of all the months he had been with her, he still was in awe of the emotions she evoked in him: the love, the passion, the desire to be by her side, and knowing he was allowed to feel this way without any regrets. "You-you make me feels thing I never thought I could, I never thought I'd be able to, or should be allowed to." But with the love came his fear. He had never allowed himself to feel so freely before, to love someone unconditionally, and it frightened him that he could lose it someday. "But you do┘and that scares me sometimes."
Kagome could see the honesty reflecting in his amber depths, opening up a window to his soul. He was revealing another small part of him she hadn't seen before. The deepest of love he had for her. He hadn't said the words to her -- though there were times she was sure he had tried -- but she didn't need to hear them to know how he felt. It was the small declaration that he was sometimes scared made Kagome's love for him grow even more because she knew how he felt. She wanted him to understand that. "If it makes you feel better, it scares me too."
An incredulous look crossed Inuyasha's face, his eyes narrowing with doubt. Kagome laughed at the hanyou's dubious expression, telling him. "What, you think it wouldn't? Inuyasha, you know how I feel about you, and sometimes it scares me too."
"But does it overwhelm you?" Kagome couldn't miss the earnestness in his voice.
"Sure it does," she answered with a casual shrug of her shoulders. "I'd be lying if I said it didn't. But, I just have to remember how much I love you and it goes away." For some reason, those words brought a frown to Inuyasha's face. It seemed too simple an answer. "It's that easy?"
Giving it a quick thought, Kagome glanced up at him, shrugging her shoulders once more. "I don't know. I guess so."
Her tone was informal, careless, and this set his frown deeper, reaching up to his eyes that had darkened and became dull. 'You guess so?' Turning away from her, letting go of her hands and shoving his own in his sleeves, Inuyasha expression became rigid and pensive. 'She gets overwhelmed and scared sometimes, just like I do. But it doesn't drive her crazy the way it does me.' His eyebrows twitched up and his face contorted into a mask of concern. 'And she's so casual about how she gets over it. Like it's no big deal. Fuck! I practically drown in it and she does nothing.'
He found himself wondering if maybe Kagome didn't love him the same way he loved her. 'That's ridiculous! Of course, she loves me, she told me. She just┘doesn't feel things the same way I do.' Inuyasha's thoughts sobered a bit. It was true, Kagome didn't feel things the same way. And this was the first time she'd really told him. Just as it was the first time he'd told her. But there was more of a reason for him telling her how he felt - it was the damned thought he couldn't get out of his head. 'Shit, we don't even talk about that so why would she be thinking about it?'
Inuyasha felt his anger grow; anger for himself for even thinking that Kagome didn't love him; for thinking she'd understand and feel the same way. He was angry for thinking he could talk to her about this.
"Inuyasha?" he heard her say his name.
Without warning Inuyasha began to growl, turning to glare at her. "I knew it was a fuckin' bad idea trying to talk about this. Just forget about it, Kagome, never mind. You never shoulda brought it up."
An indignant expression flamed across Kagome's face, her eyes gleaming with sudden anger. "Yes, I should have," she emphasized very carefully, her fists now clenched at her sides, "and I'm glad I did." Giving him a hard stare, Kagome was stern with her words. "Don't shut me out, Inuyasha. Not now." His growling stopped, Inuyasha continued to glare at Kagome. How dare she get upset with him. He was the one trying to tell her what was wrong. Hell, if she hadn't been so insistent about it-
"Is there something about our relationship that's bothering you?"
The question cut into Inuyasha's thoughts, scattering them all about his mind. His eyes went slightly wide, picking up on the somber change in Kagome's tone. Her voice was quieter, and it had an almost pained, pleading sound to it. He didn't want Kagome to get any more upset than she was, he didn't want her to worry. He had to reassure her everything was fine.
Too bad his brain and mouth weren't working together in an harmonious balance.
"┘Kinda," he blurted out.
"What do you mean by 'kinda'?" Kagome's tone had shifted drastically, reflecting the anger that quickly resurfaced. Traces of exasperation sat on the fringes of her words.
'Oh fuck! What'd I just do?!' Thinking fast on his feet, Inuyasha scrambled to rectify the problem he just created, hoping to keep it from getting worse. "Kinda-" 'No, no! Not that again you idiot!' he scolded himself. 'Try again.' "Okay, yes, something's bothering me. It has for weeks now and no matter what I do, it won't go away."
Inuyasha got the words out. He'd finally told her that something was wrong. Unfortunately, they hadn't come out quite the way he wanted them to, and he couldn't help but think he had just made things worse.
"And you're telling me this now?!" Kagome's voice cracked. "After we've been together how long? Something's wrong with our relationship -- something's been wrong for weeks, and now you decide to tell me?"
Yep, Inuyasha was right. He'd just made it worse. He moaned inwardly at his stupidity.
Kagome's heart felt like a pin cushion being pricked and jabbed with hundreds of tiny needles, and it hurt like hell. Her stomach twisted up into a knot and a dull ache spread throughout her body. She couldn't remember the last time she felt pain like this- No, she could. It was when she had found Inuyasha and Kikyou all those months ago under the same tree she and the hanyou were standing under now. She felt like she had lost a part of herself that day, a part of her heart. (She couldn't of been more happy when she regained it and Inuyasha told her he loved her.) She felt a similar pain now, thrumming through her body like that first time. Inuyasha had kept something from her, and like before she felt like she had just lost a part of herself.
"Inuyasha, how could you?" Her voice cracked again.
"I wouldn't of told you if you hadn't pushed me!" he ground out, towering over Kagome now, his fists clenched at his sides. "I was fine trying to deal with the damned thing by myself."
He realized too late what he had said when he saw Kagome's jaw drop, only to close again, her mouth narrowing in a tight-lipped line. It slowly turned down into a frown while her eyes clouded over in pain. Even in the waning moonlight, he could see her eyes beginning to shimmer with unshed tears. Inuyasha's heart dropped knowing he was the cause of it all.
'Way to go, idiot! You made her cry.' He didn't want to, that was the last thing on his mind. But it seemed no matter how hard he tried to explain things to her, he just couldn't find the right words.
Kagome bowed her head, not able to look at Inuyasha. Her hands kept opening and closing into fists. Taking a wavering breath, she asked him. "You weren't going to tell me? Is it that bad that you have to keep it from me?"
Inuyasha visibly cringed at her words, his heart instantly going out to her. "Kagome, no, no, it's not like that." Trying to soothe her, he reached out, intending to take her into his arms -- reassure her that everything was okay. But Kagome looked up and backed away.
"Yes, it is!" she yelled at him. Her eyes glassed over and now glistening with anger as well. "You weren't going to tell me; our relationship's that bad!"
"No it's not!" he yelled back, taking a quick step forward and grabbing her above her elbows. He glared down at Kagome, just as angry as she was. "Then why'd you say it was?"
"I didn't say our relationship was bad," Inuyasha practically growled at her.
"But-" Kagome started to protest. Inuyasha put a hand over her mouth to quiet her.
"I said something's bothering me, but it's not our relationship." He looked at her with desperate eyes, hoping - praying - she'd understand. Hoping he'd be able to get himself out of the giant mess he just created...