Note: Characters, places and magical items belong to JK. Rowling, I do not own any of them. Lily and James Potter are also alive as voldy was preoccupied that night and ended up not killing them and countless others. While he does ambition to be a 'Dark Lord' he instead spends his days knitting for house elves.
The Great Hall
The loud chattering of students echoed around the Great Hall. All of the Hogwarts professors sat at a long table at the front equally as excited. An old man rose from his chair, his booming voice immediately quieted the school.
'Silence!' Headmaster Dumbledore roared over the jubilant chatter. The talking died off into a whisper as everyone's eyes fell upon him. He cleared his throat 'I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here.' He began, his sapphire eyes twinkling with excitement. 'It gives me great pleasure to welcome back the Hogwarts Prank-a-thon.' Everyone looked at each other with similar expressions of confusion. Dumbledore rolled his eyes. 'Yes, Harry?'
'Uh, we don't know what that is.' He shrugged and lowered his hand.
'Well Harry.' Hermione interrupted before Dumbledore could even began his explaining. 'I read about it in Hogwarts: A History. If you'd bothered to study you would know that it's celebrated every decade as a way to get back at those you don't like. The Hogwarts Prank-A-Thon is first and foremost a prank war. The last person remaining unpranked wins."
'Is there anything she doesn't know about?' Ron muttered under his breath. Harry snorted.
'It first began in the early 1500s and was created by none other than the four founders of Hogwarts. People who had ever been to Hogwarts were welcome to join the war and help….' Hermione continued proudly.
'20 points from Gryffindor!' An annoyed Severus Snape announced over the top of her babbling. 'Nobody likes a know-it-all Granger!' Hermione stared at Dumbledore with a look of helplessness. Several Slytherin boys snickered.
'I'll stand for it.' Dumbledore shrugged. 'You shouldn't have interrupted me. I don't like being interrupted.' Hermione sat back down and shut up.
"What Miss Granger neglected to mention was currently ranked as the Hogwarts Champion is…me." Dumbledore smirked. "Of course, it's only natural for you children to want to beat me, so anyone who manages to take down I, the Lord Prankster, will receive 200 house points."
"Starting this afternoon we will begin. Once you are pranked you will be banished to your common rooms. As soon as you hear the signal, you'll know when to start. And good luck to those who try to prank me.' He laughed. 'Nobody beats the master.'
"Oh Professor Dumbledore, you forgot to mention the crown..." Professor McGonagall quickly told him.
"Ah the crown…yes..." Dumbledore scratched his head. "The winner will also receive the pretty crown we've made." With a wave of his wand, the headmaster produced a brown, paper crown with a few sequins stuck to it. There was an intake of breath. One of the sequins plopped off.
"That?" A loud, obnoxious boy grunted. Draco Malfoy looked at the old man with disgust. "That's just a paper bag with a few bits of plastic…a muggle could do better."
"Yes, but Draco…" Dumbledore began. "It's a magic crown."
Draco's eyebrows rose. "Really? And what 'magic' would this crown hold?"
"It makes the wearer look really fashionable."
Draco snorted and sat back down.
House by house the students left the Great Hall. Harry, Ron and Hermione walked upstairs, babbling excitedly about their plans for the Hogwarts-Prank-A-Thon
Two hours later…. In the Gryffindor Tower
Harry and Ron sat by the window discussing their plan while Hermione spent the remainder of the afternoon studying. A loud bang indicated a visitor and Harry jumped to his feet when he saw who it was.
'Mom, dad! What are you guys doing here?' He exclaimed.
'We'd never miss a Hogwarts Prank-A-Thon.' James Potter chuckled patting his son on the back.
'Ron, your mother is here too. She's meeting Ginny downstairs.' Lily said, smiling warmly. Ron nodded and headed out of the common rooms. James sat beside Harry and the two of them began talking war strategies.
In the potions lab….
Severus Snape laughed away as he poured the last ingredients into his caldron. The pink water bubbled and fizzed as he stirred it. 'So Lily Potter is back at Hogwarts? I'm sure this love potion will show her the right path. A path in which doesn't include that nasty Potter. Ha ha ha…'
In the Slytherin dungeons…
'All right Slytherins!' Draco Malfoy marched up and down the isle of Slytherin students lined up by the wall. 'I don't care what that old git says…that title is mine" Everyone looked at him.
"I mean ours.' He added quickly. 'Crabbe, Goyle.' He pointed towards the two chubby kids in the back. 'You will take care of those stupid little Hufflepuffs, even you can't mess that up. Blaise, I trust that you will take care of the Ravenclaws with Millicent. The first years will also assist you. They are…expendable.' He pointed at random kids that paled instantly.
"Sure thing Draco.' He replied in agreement.
'Now Pansy, you and your group will take out Neville Shlongbottom and those pesky little Gryffindors. But be warned, Potter. Is. Mine.' He growled. 'You four in the back you will take out…..'
Back in Gryffindor Tower
Striding through the Fat Lady's portrait came Lupin, Tonks, and Sirius Black. 'Like good old times aye Remus?' Sirius chuckled walking towards the small group of Gryffindor students. 'Ah I do miss the good old days."
'Ah, Harry my good boy. How are you?' Lupin greeted as Harry and Ron bounded towards them.
'I'm great thanks.' He replied cheerfully. 'You guys came too?'
'Of course we did! We couldn't let you guys have all the fun now could we.'
'Actually, we're just here to get Snape, we'll let you guys have the rest.' Sirius admitted.
'Now, now boys.' Lily laughed hugging them both. 'If anyone's going to get Snape it's me.'
"We'll see, Potter." Tonks smirked. "These guys are pretty determined. Stayed up all night studying curses. If I was a muggle I would have lost it, I tell you. All that mess they left me to clean up. Lucky for wands eh?"
Lupin's face paled slightly. "Love, I said I was sorry."
Tonks' hair turned darker and a growl ripped from her throat. Sirius patted his friends back. "Easy there, Remus. Be careful of the hormones. Even muggle women are dangerous."
Lily looked down at the witch's swollen belly. "Are you sure you feel okay to join?"
"Your concern is really quite sweet." Tonks shot a glare at Sirius and Lupin. "But I'm fine."
"Dang." Lily hissed.
"Mom?" Harry asked.
"She's an Aurora, dear." She reminded him. "I don't need to competition."
Tonks smiled gently. "Game on."
Sirius nudged Lupin. "She's pretty hot when she's all fired up aye?" Lupin growled at him.
"Two can play at that game." Sirius phased into a black dog, growled even louder, and slunk off into the shadows.
A sound so terrifying, even Harry, who was rarely afraid, began to shake. "Baby, baby, baby oh, like baby, baby. Baby oooh…."
The sound of the muggle pop star bounced around the castle walls and wizards and witches clutched their ears. Lily fainted.
"Guess that's the signal." Lupin mumbled. "Dumbledore always did like her music."
"I believe there's a wide debate with muggles on whether she is in fact, a she or a he." Tonks wondered. "Strange creature though…I've heard banshees sing better than that."
James came running towards the group and stopped to look at Lily. "Perfect, she's out/ That gives us a head start. Excuse us boys, but we have to go find a certain potions master.'
"What about me?" Tonks asked.
"Uh…" James stuttered. He shoved his friend. "Your wife. You handle it."
Lupin stepped forward and brushed a strand of purple hair away from his wife's face. "Sweetie…"
"Yes Remus?"
He took a deep breath. "As much as I'd love for you to join me…YouWillslowusdown andwerealllyreallyneed togetsnivillusokay?"
Lupin jumped back and grabbed James's hand. "Good luck boys. Disparate!"
'Have fun!' Ron waved, walking up beside Harry. Tonks looked back at the boys. "Well then." She huffed. "I suppose I'd better get to work." Tonks waved her wand and dispparated.
"I thought people couldn't disparate in Hogwarts?"
"Dumbledore must of lowered the restrictions." Ron shrugged. 'Now, I know we have to get Malfoy but there are some other people I want to get first.'
'Who then?' Harry asked curiously.
'I caught Fred and George setting traps about the Castle last night. Dirty cheaters, they're sleeping in the Room of Requirement I think. You know, so they don't get pranked early. I have a plan to get them.' He laughed. 'Let's go!'
The boys ran out from the room ducking and hiding from the hexes and spells that bounced off the walls. The joyful screams of students followed them wherever they went and everywhere they looked people where getting pranked. Harry jumped to the floor as somebody aimed a clear stunning spell towards sixth year Katie Bell, she screamed in disgust as she was thrown across the room. Ron had a tougher time escaping the puddle of polyjuice potion that was spilled across the marble floor. A Hufflepuff girl however did not see it in time and in seconds she was transformed into the figure of Scabbers the rat. As the two boys rounded the corner they finally sought out what they were looking for.
The room of requirement was seriously quiet. Except for the dull snoring of the two red heads lying on mattresses. Ron quietly walked towards them and opened his backpack and pulled the first thing he could grab. Make up.
'It's Mom's' he muttered quickly before Harry could question him.
'So what are we going to do?'
'You'll see.' He answered, pulling out more strange items.
In the Great Hall….
Crabbe and Goyle laughed mischievously as they retreated from the room, remembering Cedric's face as they tricked him into kissing Buckbeak in a dark closet. (Who he'd expected to be meeting Cho Chang) The poor guy had bite marks all over his neck and felt rather violated after that too friendly meeting. The boys now stalked two first years out of the room, readying their wands for a transfiguration hex.
'Wingardium Leviosa.' Hermione whispered from behind a post. Suddenly two very pretty cupcakes rose into the air in front of the hungry Slytherin boys. They both snatched them up in an instant and gobbled them up in seconds. Red splotches began appearing all over their faces and popped like blood blisters, squirting yellowy pus over their faces. They screamed and ran off down the corridors, people pointing and laughing the whole way. 'Thank you Fred and George!' She giggled, tucking away one of their novelties from their Weasley's Wizard Wheezes joke store.
The Gryffindor Tower…
Lily Potter stirred and sat up. Her ears were ringing. "Oh dear…" She looked at the empty common room. "Damn that Justine Beiber…"
The room of requirement…
Fred yawned and turned over on his mattress only to be staring right at George who was snuggled up against him. He pulled Georges arms off himself and ran a hand through his messy hair. He stared at him for a moment, his eyes tracing the lipstick marks all over his face. Fred jumped up out of bed and ran over to a mirror hanging on the wall. He too, had lipstick marks all over his cheeks that formed big pink lip marks. Also what scared him was that he was wearing pink lipstick. He looked over at his brother and realized that neither of them where wearing any clothes. A million thoughts ran through his mind and he started feeling sick in the stomach whenever the solution came to something really wrong and kinky. George sat bolt upright and yawned loudly.
Suddenly staring at his brother and himself his eye widened in disgust. 'What happened last night?' Fred looked as if he was going to be sick and in a quick motion grabbed the nearest blanket. George looked almost as petrified as he did and hid the blanket over his face to mask his embarrassment. Neither could say anything as they were both frozen in panic.
'Um, George, you don't happen to know why we're like this do you?' He whispered. The two of them stared at each other for a moment then both ran screaming from the room out into the overly crowded corridors, absolutely naked. Realizing they'd forgotten their coverings the two of them bolted in separate directions, trying to ignore the hysterical laughter that followed them. Harry and Ron smiled smugly.
Defense against the Dark Arts classroom…
Dumbledore sat on a desk, his back to the widely opened door. Three Ravenclaws ran past and noticed him, immediately coming to a halt. Wands outstretched they advanced towards him, only to find themselves stepping over the threshold and having cage fall on top of them, rendering them incapable of escape. A loud cackle of a laugh made them shiver.
Luna and Ginny walked down the corridors following the loud bang of the cage clattering against the floor. They stop dead in their tracks when the noticed Dumbledore and then the Ravenclaw boys. Ginny grabbed Luna by the hand and pulled her out of the room.
'Let's see if we can beat the so called master eh?' Ginny whispered.
'This room is full of Nargals, I can sense them waiting.' Luna replied dazedly, ignoring her completely.
'Good to know, loony' Ginny muttered dryly.
The girls ran forward into the room, wands pointed at the old professors back.
'Stupefy!' Ginny shouted, watching the spell hit him squarely on the back. But Dumbledore did not move. Instead he just sat there unfazed by the stunning spell. Luna walked towards him, and reached for his shoulder. She spun him around only to find them facing a store mannequin in the headmaster's robes.
'Oh no.' Luna whispered, knowing what would come.
'Jellify!' Roared the real Dumbledore from behind them. The girl's legs became wobbly as they both crashed to the ground, unable to get up. 'Nice try girls.' He laughed, dragging them out of sight.
The Potions Lab
Snape sat quietly by his desk filling his ready love potion into vials. He planned to remain here until the feast and then Lily Potter would be his.
The dungeon door burst open and in stepped James and a human Sirius. However as they stepped into the room, a caldron above tipped over, letting the blue liquid splash down upon them. Puffs of smoke rose into the air and when the misty fog cleared instead of the two mischievous wizards, two garden gnomes stood in their place.
'Well hello Snivillus.' Sirius muttered angrily.
'It's so nice to see you again.' James murmured sarcastically. 'How have you been?'
'Don't pretend you care.' Snape mumbled disinterested. 'I knew you would all show up. Guess you'll have to get me next time.' He gripped the two flasks in his hands and started towards the door.
'Wait where are you going?' Sirius hissed.
'I've got things to do if you don't mind.' He sneered back. 'It'll wear off in a few hours. Goodbye.' He waved, slamming the door.
James's gnome rocked back and forth as a guilty looking Lupin slipped into the room. "I told you he was ready for us." He shrugged.
Sirius let out booming laughter. "That's okay, we're glad you didn't join us."
"Yeah," James agreed. "Cause now Tonks can get you instead."
Lupin gulped.
The Ravenclaw Tower…
Cho Chang glanced nervously outside the room every few minutes. It was getting late and she still hadn't been pranked yet. Which meant she was sure to be next. Her friends sat around with her, all have been pranked before her. She really did not want to get her pretty little face dirty. It was silent outside. Not even the pathetic weeps of Moaning Myrtle could be heard.
'Maybe it's over.' One of the girls said hopefully. 'You might have won!'
'I don't think so…' Cho mumbled staring outside. 'I'm going to take a look.' She slowly opened up the portrait door and cautiously made her way down the corridors. Everything seemed quiet. That was until Blaise released a Bogart after her. Forming the shape of a giant dragon it roared after her back towards the common rooms.
Blaise's laughter echoed through the castle and only ended as Harry jumped out from his hiding spot and sprayed him with elf urine which Dobby gladly offered to give him. And the disgusted howls he caused, brought Millicent running to the rescue, only to be stunned by Ron.
Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.
The boys spun around to find themselves facing Malfoy.
'It seems you've taken out quite a few of my Slytherins.' He growled, not losing eye contact. 'Oh, well at least I've got this.' He muttered happily, showing them the large book he held in his hands.
'A book really? What are you planning to do? Read us a story?' Ron chuckled, extending his wand.
'Oh, no Weasley. This book is worth so much more than pranking you two.'
'Accio!' Ron yelled, the leather book soared from Malfoy's hands and gently dropped into his.
'Ron, I don't think you should…' Harry warned, staring at Draco's large grin.
'Relax Harry. I know what I'm doing.' He muttered opening the book. Suddenly he let out an earsplitting cry as hundreds of spiders clambered out from the pages and onto his arms. 'Bloody hell, get them off me!' He screamed running away.
'Consider yourself pranked Weasley!' Draco called after him. Draco's cruel grin grew even wider as he advanced towards Harry.
"Accio wand!" He laughed. Harry's wand flew out of his hands and into Dracos. "Now then. There's just so much I want to do…yet so little time…Maybe I'll start with a simple bone removal curse to get you up to Madam Pomfrey…I hear bones are quite painful to regrow…"
'Petrificus Totalus!' Hermione suddenly yelled from above them. Malfoy went ridged and froze, falling to the ground with a loud clunk.
Harry looked up towards Hermione and beamed. 'Thanks.' He muttered.
'I've been waiting to get him for ages.' She said proudly, walking down the grandiose staircase. 'It's almost time for the feast. Want to go see who's been banished?'
'Yeah, I think we should know who our competition is.' He agreed
When they reached the common rooms they were surprised to find almost all the Gryffindors upstairs. Ginny and Luna (Who'd abandoned her house) sat on the sofa, rubbing their sore legs. James and Sirius where full size again and sitting in the corner complaining about Snape. Lily was still out in the game, and to their surprise so was Neville. Or at least they thought he was.
'Hey Harry, did you get hit?' Dean Thomas asked, striding over to him. He had a huge purple splotch across his left cheek that formed a snake outline. The Slyltherins had cornered him in the bathroom.
'Nah, just came to see who's up here.' Harry replied scanning the room. Fred and George looked at him with pure hatred as a sign that they knew who was behind it. Molly Weasley sat by the fireplace with little Collin Creevy who was quietly sobbing about Pansy egging him. The Patil twins sat together on the couch covered in dirt and mud and to Harry's utter surprise he saw Hagrid.
'What are you doing here?' Hermione asked. 'Who got you?'
'It was Dumbledore. That guy is insane when it comes to pranking. Snuck right up on me as I was combing my beard he did. Almost dropped the mirror in fright.'
'How does someone sneak up on you when you've got a mirror?' Harry mumbled teasingly.
"Most of the teachers are out. He saw to them first. Seen them a bigger threat I guess.' He explained.
'Is Neville still out there?' Hermione asked.
'Yeah, I think he is.' Ginny piped up.
'We'd better go find him.' Harry insisted leaving the common room, Hermione trailing behind.
Near the Whomping Willow…
Lupin sat beside the vicious tree staring up into the sky. Tonks would never find him here surely. All the climbing up the hills would be too hard for her. She'd give up and move on.
He plucked at the grass and let the strands drift in the breeze. He plucked the next piece. It wouldn't detach from the ground. "What the?" Lupin tugged on the grass harder but it was relentless. He pulled and pulled but it still wouldn't break away. As he tugged harder, his focus mainly on the weed, he was unaware that the Willow's branches were beginning to sweep around him. The thick trunk twisted and turned. A branch swung down and wrapped around him.
It threw him into the air and tossed him around. Lupin screamed and ripped the bark but it refused to let him go. The grip around his waist tightened and it sprung him upside down.
"Hiya!" Tonks greeted from below. Lupin looked at her, his face turning red as the blood rushed forward to his skull. "Need a hand?"
"You." He choked out. "Are an evil…but incredibly amazing woman." He smiled proudly.
The branches lowered him slightly, enough for her to peck him on the lips. She waved her wand and the branches released him. Lupin hit the ground hard.
"Aw poor baby." She sighed, giving him another kiss.
They walked together towards the castle. "How are you not pranked yet?"
"I've been following you." She smiled, lacing her fingers with his. "And I'm just really good." She grinned.
Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one who followed Lupin. A Ravenclaw boy snuck towards her. "Stupefy!"
Lupin shoved Tonks and took the shot for her. She hit the ground and dropped her wand. Scrambling through the dirt, the boy yelled multiple curses at her, and missed narrowly. Tonks yanked her wand up and pointed it.
"Finite Incantartum!" She yelled. The Ravenclaw boy laughed.
Lupin, coming into consciousness, let out a small chuckle. "Darling, you pranked yourself."
Tonks glanced down at her smoking robes. "No!" She cried, stomping around. "It's not fair!" The boy snuck off. She collapsed next to her husband.
"I'm afraid you're out, love." He said softly. She sighed and snuggled next to him on the grass. "But that's not what bothers me."
"Hmmm?"
"Why were you going to set a student on fire?"
Outside the Greenhouse…
'Oh my, are you alright Neville?' Hermione called up to the boy hanging by his underwear.
'Please.' He begged 'please get me down.'
'What happened?' Harry asked, untangling the cotton from the branch.
'Professor Sprout's what happened.' He squeaked. 'I was just checking out the green house and she zapped me up here. I've been stuck here for three hours!' He shook his head. 'At least I saw McGonagall take her down.'
'People are heading up to the feast now.' Hermione observed, pointing to the people heading inside. 'Do you think it's safe to go?'
'It's safer than being out here.' Lily's voice chuckled from behind them. Harry and Hermione whirled around to face her extended wand. They both took a step back and stared into her green eyes in disbelief.
'Mom, you're not allowed to get your own son!' Harry yelled, edging away.
'Oh you're right.' She said, lowering her wand. 'Actually I'm going to get Snape. Can you help me?'
'Sure thing, Mrs. Potter." Hermione said politely.
'Okay I need you both to carry this.' She replied, handing them a small cardboard box. As they both placed their hands to the item they suddenly disappeared into a spiraling vortex into the middle of the lake. It had been a Portkey 'Sorry kids.' Lily called out to them. 'But if anybody is going to prank Snape, it will be me!'
'I can't believe she pranked her own son.' Harry said outraged. He smacked the water furiously.
"You're mother is insane." Mumbled Hermione, paddling back towards shore.
The Great Hall.
Dumbledore sat in front of the feasting students, fully confident of winning the Prank-A-Thon. Snape sat on his right, still unpranked as was Lily who sat by her son and husband. Dumbledore rose from his seat with his butter beer in hand and addressed the crowd.
'I would like to say well done for today's efforts in our prank war. I watched many of you during the afternoon and I must say I was impressed. However we are yet to come to a conclusion of the events so after the feast you will remain inside your common rooms until we have an ultimate winner. Good Luck to Severus Snape and Lily Potter, you'll need it.' He raised his glass. 'Let's have a toast to the fun and excitement we've had today, because as of tomorrow you will be taking your OWLS.' A loud groan escaped every student's lips.
Everyone raised their glasses and took a sip from them. Snape smiled smugly as he watched Lily gulp down hers, thinking of the potion he'd put in it.
He fully expected her to come running at him the moment she tasted it but she simply turned his way and winked at him, then her eyes flickered to Dumbledore. He was twitching slightly, his eyes wide and dilated. Snape began edging away.
The old man beamed happily and reached for the potions master. Everyone's eyes focused on them and Snape felt himself blushing.
'Oh, Severus.' He began, stroking black strands of the professor's hair. 'You are the most beautiful, gentle, sweetest and sexiest teacher I have ever met.' Dumbledore reached over and planted a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Snape's lips. The professor tried to squirm away but was unable to break the headmasters iron grasp. At last Dumbledore let go and Snape bolted from his seat and out of the hall.
Dumbledore smiled happily and skipped after him calling 'Wait Severus, don't you love me?' There wasn't one student or teacher that wasn't doubled over in laughter.
Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and stood up.
'Our new Lord of the Hogwarts Pranks is….Lily Potter!' She announced, leading the round of applause.
Lily smiled joyfully and accepted the award with smugness. At last, music began playing loudly in the great hall and the party started. And above all the noise and laughter and fun, Professor Snape's cries remained unheard.
Somewhere far, far away…
"Peter, be a dear and fetch me that ball of yarn."
The mousy sort of a boy wandered forward and did as his friend asked. "Tommy?" Peter asked. "Why didn't you go to the Hogwarts-Prank-A-Thon? You were a student after all."
"Excuse me?" He looked away from the small elf socks he was knitting. "I wasn't aware there was one happening this decade."
"It is tonight. I mean, was tonight." Peter explained.
"Maybe they didn't get time to send me my invitation." Tommy said hopefully.
"It was posted in the daily prophet and the owls were out for at least a month delivering letters. Hogwarts owns over 400 owls. That's a lot of deliveries they could have managed in a month."
"What are you implying?" Tommy stood up.
"I think they didn't invite you." Peter answered sadly.
"But you didn't get one either…"
"Actually I did. I just assumed we weren't going."
Tommy picked up his wand. "They didn't invite me?"
"It would seem that way." Peter said. "But that's okay…because I heard someone was going to get you."
Tommy looked at Peter. "Who?"
"A woman named Sybil Trelawney predicated that fourteen years ago, a boy born at the end of July would prank you. That boy was assumed to be Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter?" Tommy hissed. "Potter…as in James and Lily?"
"Precisely." Peter said. "They're at the Prank-a-thon right now."
Tommy knocked over the table of elf clothes and pointed his wand at the door. It blew up.
"Where are you going?" Peter cried out.
Tom Riddle turned back, his eyes bulging. "They will pay for this. Especially that kid…Harry Potter. Nobody pranks me!" He bellowed.
"Tommy, what are you going to do?" Peter grabbed his sleeve. He shook him off roughly.
"Don't call me Tommy, Pettigrew." He hissed. He stepped out into the cold night, his dark cloak billowing around him like smoke. "I am Lord Voldemort."
Okay so it's my first fan fic i hope you enjoyed it. Please forgive any grammatical errors as i wrote this really late and am yet to proof read properly.
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