Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing, but real people mentioned here DO exist, and belong to themselves, of course.

Do not take this story seriously, but have fun! And the title is because I originally wrote this by hand in a green notebook. If you want to, check out my DeviantArt gallery (link in my profile) for pics for this storyBe careful, timeline AU here: it takes place after the action in Brazil, but before the first round-table meeting. I know Alucard and Seras enter only in the middle of the conference in canon, but I took the liberty of adding some extra time for them to stay at the mansion. :-)

Prologue – or what do we do, if we suddenly find ourselves in a laundry at the Vatican / the kitchen of the Hellsing manor / a Nazi store-room? (Good question. Oh, and "PAAANIC!!!" is not an acceptable answer.)

So, we've got 3 ordinary girls studying at the University of Budapest (Hungary), crazy Hellsing-fans, who all loved to draw and write silly stories about getting inside the manga and meeting their favourite characters. They could chat about it all day long, even on the Internet, where their good friend from Finland, Elisa Sutinen, shared this desire. She was a crazy Dok-fangirl.

Sofia, who had brown eyes and neck-length dark brown hair, wanted nothing more than meeting Schrödinger, whom she addressed her beloved kitty. She liked also the Iscariot nuns, and spoke Italian well.

Martina, who had short, boyish black hair and brown eyes hidden behind glasses, loved Pip X Seras, but Pip Bernadotte alone… even more. She spoke English fine, so she was sure to be able to speak to them.

In the end, Karen, who had long blonde hair and brown eyes too, longed for Hans Günsche. She loved the German language.

Presentations over, one day the 3 girls were reading Hellsing, when suddenly a portal opened and they were sucked inside. (GAH! MARY-SUE!!!)

Vatican

"Whoa, fell on something soft" Sofia landed on a heap of clothes, and saw buzzing dryers all around her "OMG it's like in a fanfiction! AND I'M THE MARY-SUE! Where is Schr…"
Suddenly she noticed the nun's dresses and priests' robes around. This meant only one thing: that she ended up at Iscariot13. She quickly put on a nun's dress, a veil and hung on a gold cross, then decided to go around and explore the field.
A door opened to a small garden, where Heinkel Wolfe (Sofia's second favourite character, and role model of "strong woman") was practising with her gun.
"OMG HEINKEL!"
Heinkel was even more shocked, and turned her gun on her.
"Who are you?"
"Fomalhaut Winterstorm!" Sofia went white, and screamed the name of one of her Mary-Sues.
"What the-?" Heinkel placed her finger on the trigger.
"Nashira Achernar!" Sofia screamed the name of another of her Mary-Sues.
"Hey you, you've said something different before!"
"Sister Sofia Catelli, from Verona!"
Heinkel lowered her gun. Someone this inexperienced and foolish couldn't be a spy.
"And how do you know my name?"
"I've heard about you… euh… I really, really respect you!"
"And why are you wearing this dress clearly 5 sizes bigger than yours?"
"I spilled Coke on mine!"
"Where did you get Coke?!"
"Euh… from the shop round the corner!"
"Which shop round the corner?!"
"Eehh…"
"You're new, eh? Come with me, then!"
Heinkel remembered the days when she used to be so young and inexperienced – Sofia reminded her a little of them.

Wow, the character I love to cosplay likes me! OMG! Thought Sofia, as they headed back into the laundry to get some fitting clothes.

England – the Hellsing mansion

Martina fell on a kitchen counter with a crash.
"Hurry!" shouted the cook, without even turning around "you… oh hey, you're one of the new ones, right? Run to the room next door, your clothes are there!"
She had no idea at all where she was and what could the cook or whoever want from her, but she ran to the next room and put on the maid's clothes she found there. She hated skirts, but had to stick with them this time.
"Hurry!" the cook shouted again, and handed her a tray with a teapot and a cup, then pointed towards the door.
Martina still didn't understand where she was, until she exited and it all became clear.
"Be more careful, I'm just entering!"
Martina, both surprised and shocked, dropped the tray.
Standing in front of her was Walter C. Dornez, the butler of Hellsing.
"That was Sir Integra's tea! You clumsy… who are you, anyway?!"
"Ma-ma-martina… Beckett" she stammered.
Walter adjusted his monocle as he eyed her carefully.
"Miss Beckett, you're forgiven this time… I'm gonna bring the tea to Sir Integra, today. You'd better clean up now."
Martina went back to the kitchen in stony silence and white as a sheet to fetch a sponge, then returned to clean up the remains of the tea set. Walter kept on looking over her with focused attention.

Could this be true? she wondered, puzzled and confused.

Millennium base

Karen ended on some hard surface, darkness all around her, except for a thin beam of light entering from a half-closed door. She noticed boxes with swastikas on them all around.
The Millennium…, she thought.
She opened a few boxes, for she figured she couldn't just linger around Millennium in jeans, and in the end found some SS-uniforms. She put one of them up, adjusted the cap on her head, and walked out.
She ran into some SS-soldiers walking towards something, so she decided to join them. Despite being the only woman, they gave her only funny looks, not else; clearly they were in a hurry.
They soon stopped in front of some sort of a stage, Karen somehow ended in the first line. Soon three figures appeared; everyone gave the Nazi salute and stepped backwards, except for Karen.
OMG HANS!, she noticed Hans Günsche along with the Major and the Doctor. Despite knowing enough about the Nazi costumes, she forgot about herself and just stood frozen, until she heard the Major's voice.
"You… girl?! There in the first line! What's your name?"
"Genesis Colditz!" her first idea was her Hellsing OC's name.
"Come over here!" the Major drew his gun.
Genesis was pale as a sheet.
"A spy, maybe?"
Suddenly weird images flashed in her mind, then Schrödinger appeared in front of her.
"Nay, not a spy!" and he disappeared.
"Frau Colditz, you're clearly not one of us… maybe a traitor…"
Firs Lieutenants Rip Van Winkle and Zorin Blitz raised their shotgun and scythe.
"SCHEIßE!" screamed Genesis.
Silence followed.
"A true German!" said the Major.
Genesis was shaking, but not from fear, as Captain Günsche eyed her.
"Take her away!" and two soldiers led Genesis away, and left her in a room.
Half an hour later Captain Günsche handed her a letter of the Major, asking her to be his personal waitress.
Genesis knew it was only to keep an eye on her; but she nodded.
"Oh, Captain!" and she wrapped her arm around Hans' "could you please lead me to herr Major? I don't know the way!"