Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns these characters; I do not.
She wraps her arms around him, watching their pale hair mix. In the dim light, the color seems to look the same as their locks blend together. He thinks that she can't know that he's thinking of someone else even as she pulls down his trousers as he leads her to the bed, never breaking their touch. She can't know that he thinks of someone else, even as they lie together.
She goes to sleep before he does, and he can't resist watching her, wondering how much she suspects and how much she knows. Aniki is no fool; she can see the blushes and the quick glances and the way he stares hungrily after her. Aniki must know that, he thinks, but can she see the feelings that rest beyond the outside?
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The next morning they go to Beka's room together, hand in hand in an uncharacteristic display of simple affection, and he wonders if Aniki sees Beka's keen eyes leap to their clutched hands, if she sees the quick flash of envy that clouds her smooth features before she turns her face away.
Aniki excuses herself early, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before she exits the room, flashing a charming smile and making his heart – if he still has one, after all these years – turn over with guilt. He waits until all of the others leave – Ersken and Kora and Phelan – and then turns to Beka.
"I told you that I'd punch you next time you try to kiss me," she warns, unable to keep the smile from her face, which ruins the effect of her words. He strides to her and kisses her, and is happy (but not surprised in the slightest) that she doesn't punch him after all, but instead kisses him back.
He doesn't think of the betrayal Aniki might feel if she knew; she was his first lover and his first friend, and the only woman that he had ever said and promised that he loved. He had never said any binding words to Kora or anyone else, which made his relationship with Aniki much more real, much more serious. It made the betrayal more serious as well. But he doesn't want to feel any shame when he's with Beka.
Ironically, Beka, who has not had the history he's had with Aniki, mentions her first. "What about Aniki?" she asks huskily, and he senses that she feels guilt too, as Aniki is her close friend.
"We won't tell her," he says simply, not wanting to interrupt, but she places her hand on his stomach, keeping him at bay. Slightly irritated, he pulls up the chair they knocked over and seats himself on it. "Beka, she didn't mind too much when I was with Kora – she won't mind now." But he knows he is deluding himself, because the situation with Beka is very different than it was with Kora. He loves Beka, like he never loved Kora.
He can tell that part of Beka – perhaps the more sensible part – wants to give him up, wants to push him out the door and never see him again, but the more impulsive part of her knows that she can't live without him, and it is that part that finally takes control of her. "What she doesn't know, right?" she asks him rhetorically, with only a trace of doubt in her voice.
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"You've been with her, haven't you?" Aniki's voice is emotionless and cold, her back turned to him as she brushes her hair with her fingers.
"No," he denies immediately, the instinctive lie that first comes to his lips. She turns towards him, her eyebrows raised in complete disbelief, and he sees that there's no point in lying to her, as that will only make matters worse. "How did you guess?" he asks finally. He wonders how personally she will take this, and his fingers instinctively move towards his knife. He's been in this kind of situation before.
Observant as ever, she sees his movement and a humorless smile comes to her face. "It's obvious, Rosto, however much you want to hide it…and I realize how Kora felt, now. I was the one you loved more…and now I'm the one you love less. I can't take that."
It was odd, hearing her say the word 'love', because even though she had told him that once – it was different now, somehow, when daylight streamed through the window even though it should have been dark. He doesn't show any shame or apology; he never has. This, at least, is consistant. She nods sadly and leaves his room without another word.
Later, in the middle of the night, he realizes how lonely an empty bed is, even if he has every other thing in the world. He throws on his clothes and knocks on her door, even though he promised himself not to, not so soon afterwards. He doesn't want Aniki to feel so tossed aside, and yet he can't stop himself. She opens the door, looking utterly confused and almost scared.
"Beka? It's me. I have something to tell you…"
She invites him in, and he gratefully accepts. When he tells her everything, the brief flash of hope in her eyes before the worry for her friend takes over is enough to convince him that what happened was necessary.