I could have been dreaming for all I knew. That's just how surreal my life felt.
I trudged across the damp pavement close to the middle of the street. A light rain stained my boats and coat. My music blared, blocking all other noises from my ears. Cars honked and swerved around me. I watched the clouds above as they slowly passed over me. It was early evening. The time most people get home from their demanding jobs to their loving families. It was winter -the season where people stayed inside their warm homes and cooked extravagant meals. On my right, I saw a family eating dinner in their second story dining room. To my left there was a huge Christmas display. What a waste.
Don't get me started on the holidays.
A six-foot inflatable snowman watched me as I passed. I glared at it, begrudging it its very existence. I turned the music up a little louder to stop the influx of thoughts. My walks were supposed to be peaceful. I rounded a corner. I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, but when I looked back, it was gone. It was probably just another mother or father racing home to hug their beloved child. I stuffed my hands in my pockets. Why hadn't I taken my gloves out of the pockets of my other jacket? A pair of headlights blinded me.
"Where you headed Shion? It's not safe for you to be walking at this time a night." The driver who was obviously a concerned neighbor asked.
"No where," I replied and kept walking. I didn't even bother to look at them. It wasn't like I was lying. I wasn't headed anywhere- not home not to my family not to a hot meal. I wasn't in a hurry and anyway walking was good exercise. I walked past the local grade school. The one I would have gone to had I lived here then. I peered through the front door. The hallway was lit up and decorated with cute art projects the students had created. I kicked a chunk of the driveway. All the parents dropping their kids off must have worn it down. I picked up my pace. I didn't want to be standing in the rain in the parking lot of an empty school. I was running when I reached my block. The streetlights were all glowing, which only made the rain more visible. The surrounding homes were well illuminated. My lot was a patch of dark trees. If I didn't know there was a house there I would have kept walking. I could have kept walking. No one was waiting by the window for me. I doubt he even knew I wasn't locked up in my room. I went inside though. At least it wasn't wet.
"Did you have a nice walk?" My older brother greeted me without looking up from the book he was reading. I grunted and kicked my wet boots off before walking on the carpet. If I made a mess, I'd only be making more work for myself. I went to my room and lied down on my bed. I had a few minutes before I needed to cook dinner so I pulled out my schoolbooks. I switched on the light on my desk and pulled my favorite pencil from the cup. I paged through my notebook. I had enough homework to keep me busy for the remainder of the evening. My phone beeped in my bag. The battery must be dying. No one would want to talk to me. I got lost in the complex math problems I was working on. A knock came at my door. I jumped.
"Am I interrupting?" Jin asked.
"It doesn't matter." I shrugged.
"It's getting late. We should eat."
"I don't want food," I said deciding I was too lazy to cook. He eyed me. I rolled my eyes.
"There are some leftovers in the bottom of the fridge, but since there not in that book I guess you wouldn't know."
Jin withdrew from my room. He shielded his eyes. He might have been hurt, but I couldn't really tell. I returned to studying. After I finished that night's homework, I studied for tomorrow's test. Some time later, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Jin had already gone to bed. The noise from the sink tore through the silence. I dropped the cup. The cold water hit my hand. I stood there -my hand numb from the water- frightened by the dark and the silence that hung around me. I remembered the family with the open curtains. I stepped back from the sink. I creped back to my room and curdled up on my bed. I couldn't sleep. No matter how much I tried, I never could. My feet were cold and my sheet rough. I sat up and buried my face in my palms. I felt moisture. I must have been crying. I only heard silence though. I could have gone back into the middle of the street and no one would have seen or heard me. If I went outside and wandered some more I would have blended right in. Fading into the night sounded wonderful or it would have had I not been afraid of the darkness. Even when I slept, the light was on. I ventured out of my room. Through the kitchen window, I saw something glowing. I pressed my face against the glass. It was a candle. I stepped through the backdoor. I stepped through puddles towards the candle.
"Where are you going?" a voice asked. I froze and slowly turned to see my brother.
"No where." I snapped.
"Then why are you out of bed in the middle of the night. You need your rest."
"Your candle woke me up." I was the worst liar. Jin motioned for me to sit next to him. I would have rather been lying in my cold bed unable to sleep for an eternity than there. I thought about ignoring him and going back inside, but I didn't. I hated being home alone. I sat on the edge of the bench as far from him as I could get. I watched the flame flicker.
"What's wrong Shion?" he asked.
"Nothing" I said quickly. "There is nothing the matter. You're imagining things."
"Shion it's not normal to…"
"Oh so that's what this is about. Save your breath. None of this is normal."
I heard the fabric of his kimono rustle. I figured he most be getting up. My presence had that effect on people. I took a few deep breaths of the brisk night air. Had I not have been so engrossed in my own thoughts I would have been cold. Or perhaps I was numb? So many things in my life were cold, I must have just gotten used to it. A car drove by. The light from its headlights temporarily illuminated the yard. I felt a hand on my shoulder, but when I looked up, he had drawn it back. I studied my brother. His eyes were watching everything but me and he had his arms folded in his sleeves. I noticed he had left his sword in the house, which was something he very rarely did. I felt I should say something, but I didn't have the slightest clue what. I guess we had that in common. I leaned back. My back was starting to hurt from sitting relatively straight. I closed my eyes. This was the closet and longest I had been with Jin in who knows how long. We hardly ever talked anymore since most everything turned into an argument. A cold wind blew past us and suddenly I was very cold. I shook so hard my teeth clattered. Jin pulled me closer to him. He must have decided that warming me up was worth risking me biting his head off. I would have backed away, but he was warm. It wasn't that I was enjoying this moment of closeness. On the contrary, I was very uncomfortable. I hadn't let anyone this close to me since well…
"Shion," He said so quietly I almost thought he didn't want me to hear. I nodded acknowledging I heard him. I wondered if my voice was broken.
"Am I allowed to worry about you?" His question caught me off guard. I stood up and hurried inside. I didn't look back at him. I didn't have to. The image of his face and the sound of his voice still lingered in my head. I returned to my room, but not to bed. I sat behind my computer and played some game. I kept one eye on the clock watching the numbers most people never see.
By the time the sun rose, I had grown wary of the game and I was paging through a magazine I found on my dresser. I left for school much earlier than I normally did. I couldn't stand the sight of my four walls for another nanosecond. I chewed on a granola bar as I walked through the alleyways. The weather wasn't any better today. The sound of the raindrops hitting the puddles hypnotized me. I was so tired. I'm sure if I didn't show up to school no one would even notice my absence. I studied so much I wouldn't be missing anything. I only wanted to sleep, but I kept walking. I made it too school with many minutes to spare so I sat in front of my locker and looked over my notes again. I had gone over these notes so many times I literally had them memorized. I was more than ready for the test. As the hall began to get more crowded, a group of girls came and sat very close to me. They were talking so loud it became impossible to concentrate. I wandered off. I kept my head down. Someone pushed me and didn't apologize. I didn't get mad. I'm sure he or she didn't even see me. The rest of the day passed normally with the exception of everyone's excitement. Today was the last day before winter break. I didn't see what the big deal was. Schoolwork gave me something to focus my energy on. There was a party in my last class. I didn't participate in any of the games. I would only be in the way. Instead, I took a nap in the back of the room.
"Shion," A voice said. I opened my eyes reluctantly.
"I don't want to wake up…" I moaned and rubbed my eyes. Who ever was there poked my arms.
"Come on everyone else left even the teacher. It's winter break. We're free!"
My eyes snapped open. The classroom was empty except for the girl who stood before me. I grabbed my bags and rushed for the door. The girl stopped me.
"Are you alright Shion?" I nodded.
"I didn't sleep last night. That's all."
She wasn't convinced. "We were all wondering why you didn't want to play. We thought you don't like us. Is that true?"
"Huh?" I didn't know how to respond. She laughed. We were walking towards the school's exit.
"So what are you doing for the holidays?" She asked after a moment where the only noise was our footsteps. Once again, I didn't answer.
"I have a big family and we're pretty scattered out. The holidays are the only time we are all together so I really look forward to them and you have the added bonus of gifts."
"I have to go" I picked up my pace. She caught up.
"Did I say something I shouldn't have? I'm sorry if I hurt you. Don't be upset. I didn't mean to. It's just that none of us know anything about you."
"Does it matter? If I told you didn't have anyone how would you respond. You'd probably pity me and then try and cheer me up." I stopped walking.
"It seems my efforts would be in vain. It's not any circumstances that are your problem. It's you. Take care of yourself Shion, but that shouldn't be a problem for you."
She stormed off. I stood there. I didn't understand a word of what she said. It must be nice to be able to tell someone to cheer up when you yourself are perfectly happy. I slammed my hand into a tree. I wish people would stop trying to fix me. When I got home, I started on the cleaning. Jin wasn't around which was fine with me. I started cooking. I hadn't eaten a real meal in almost a day. I lay my head on the table as a pot of water boiled. The next thing I knew Jin was yelling at me. My head was throbbing and I wasn't even sure where I was.
"Shion! How many times do I need to warn you not to leave the stove unattended? Maybe I should let you get burned then you'd learn."
"Not that you'd care. I bet even if I died you'd be happy…there'd be no one to disturb you from your books." I snapped at him unleashing a little more of my pent up anguish that I had planned. I was fighting back tears that I was sure were more from lack of sleep than anything else. Jin pointed down the hall.
"Go to bed Shion. You're too exhausted to even keep your head up let alone cook."
"Send me off. That's your solution to everything. Push the problem away so you don't have to worry about it."
"Shion I'm not going to talk to you while you're like this."
"Then shut up" I stormed from the room. I locked my own door behind me and collapsed into my bed. I wasn't sure how much time passed from when I fell asleep to when I woke up. I didn't dream. All I remembered was darkness.
I opened my eyes and reality slowly dawned on me. I had left the light on my desk on and it was casting eerie shadows. I squinted to get a look at the clock. My eyes were dry from sleeping with my contacts in. I rose from my bed to turn the overhead light on. With the room fully brightened, I could see him. He was staring out my window watching the sunrise. He stood perfectly still…maybe he wished to blend into the wall. I sat down on my bed.
"How long have you been here?" I asked. I was slightly embarrassed at the thought of him watching me fast asleep. My voice was very calm now. The sleep had allowed me to think straight.
He didn't answer right away. I didn't say anything else. If he wanted to talk he'd answer my question if not…well then I'd ignore him too.
"Shion…I'm sorry." He was facing me now and leaning against the wall. I looked down. I wasn't sure why he was apologizing. He hadn't done anything that words could fix.
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does Shion. Don't lie."
"I'm not lying. You always accuse me, but I…"
"Are you hungry?" He asked to divert the conversation from turning into another argument. I thought about this. I had been hungry before I slept. Now I was starving. I nodded.
"You want soup. I can heat some up for you if you want."
"That's fine. I don't care." He left my room. I lay back on my bed. It was so warm and soft.
I ate the soup he brought me in silence. He sat on the edge of my bed. I tried not to look at him and he did likewise.
"Thanks," I said when I was finished. I yawned hoping he'd take the hint and let me go back to sleep. He remained though. I knew he wanted to talk, but it was very awkward for both of us.
"You know its Christmas Eve," he said.
"So…it's not like we have anything to celebrate."
"Why do you say that Shion?"
"Well it's true. We don't have family. We can't afford all those elaborate decorations the neighbors have and we don't have a big tree surrounded by presents and a mechanical train you see in the store windows."
"I'm ashamed…ashamed of how truly foolish my sister is…but perhaps it's my fault…" He stood up and left my room. I threw my pillow at him. It bounced off the door as he shut it.
When I got up later that morning, Jin wasn't home. Maybe I was a little upset. It was Christmas after all. The least he could do was stay home so I wouldn't have to be alone, but that was my brother. I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I wasn't that hungry, but it would waste a few minutes. Jin burst through the door. I dropped my spoon. I had been reading the back of the box and not paying attention to the world around me.
"Shion, do me a favor. We need some groceries." Jin pushed a piece of paper into my hand and escorted me out the door. I looked back at the door as he slammed it behind me. It was a good thing I had put on a sweater earlier since he hadn't allowed me the time to get my coat. I wondered what he needed so urgently.
Everything at the stores was very picked over. I grabbed what I could from the shelves. As I was standing in line, I realized I had not brought any money. I put everything back and left the store. I wasn't sad to leave. All the customers and the clerks were in too good of a mood. I took the long way home so I wouldn't have to walk by all the homes. I didn't need to be reminded once again what day it was or about what I was missing out on.
Every light in the house was off. Jin must have gone out again or he was sleeping. Either way I'm sure he forgot he sent me out. I let myself in through the back. I was about to turn the kitchen light on when a hand grabbed me. I would have screamed out, but I knew it was Jin. His sandals made a very distinct sound. He dragged me into the living room. The lights flashed on. I almost fainted from shock.
"This is a joke right?" I didn't mean to say that. It definitely wasn't what I was thinking, but that's how it came out. In the corner where Jin usually kept a pile of books sat a little tree. On it were a set of lights that resembled candles. Beneath the tree were boxes. They were so hastily wrapped I couldn't help laughing.
"What do you think?" He asked. I could tell he was trying to hide his hopefulness. Suddenly I felt like crying. I wasn't sad, but I couldn't stop myself.
"Why? Why would you do this? I hope you didn't think you had too..."
"No Shion" He placed his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. "I'm sorry"
Once again, his apology puzzled me. "But I don't have anything for you"
He smiled and pulled me into a hug. I was far to bewildered to resist. "What I want no one could wrap up in a box and put under the tree. It doesn't matter how fancy or expensive the tree is or how many people sit around it. I would want the same thing."
"I…I don't know…I mean…I hope you didn't waste too much time or money on this." I could never understand why anyone would spend lots of money just because of a holiday. Sure, it might be a special occasion but it was still just another day. Jin laughed.
"You really don't understand. Correct me if I'm wrong. You think people buy gifts and decorate their homes because their calendars tell them it's a holiday."
"That's not what I said." I thought about the girl from school. She mentioned gifts second. She was more interested in being with her family. "You're not listening to me."
"No, you're the one not listening not just to me but to anything. You have to open your eyes and ears."
"Why should I? So I can see everyone else laughing while I cry."
Jin shook me as if trying to wake me up. "You have this misconception that you're all alone. That you are so different and no one can understand you. You're isolating yourself."
"Oh so now you know everything about me huh? You don't…you don't know anything about me."
"Well whose fault is that? Have you even tried telling anyone what's on your mind?"
"I don't need to. You criticize me for never talking for pushing everyone away, but what about you. You want me to talk, but what have you ever done to make me trust you? You're never there for me. How many times have I cried and where were you. You were watching me from afar, as if I'm some fragile display in a museum. Anyway, if you hadn't let them die we wouldn't be having this argument. We would be just like every other family. We would have reason to be happy to celebrate."
His arms fell to his side and he stepped away from me. I had crossed the line. My face was burning. I just wanted to crawl behind the sofa. I couldn't even look at my brother.
"Do you think you're the only one who misses them? I miss them too. They were my parents before they were yours. You're not alone in your anguish."
I didn't have anything to counter that. I was tempted to yell at him some more, but I didn't. We were close to the heart of the issue now. Anything I said would just bury it again.
"It's love Shion. The holidays are a celebration of love. Gifts and decorations are just that love in a tangible form to make those you care for most happy. You think it is a waste because you can't understand that love. If you want, you are very welcome to blame me for that."
I wish who ever it was would stop punching me in the stomach. Deep in my heart, I knew he was right. He didn't need to tell me I was numb. I could fight with him about that until the end of time, but I would just be slamming my head off a brick wall and I certainly didn't need anymore pain.
"But why would you love someone?" I wasn't really asking that, but it was much easier than saying what I wanted to ask.
"Because you're my sister." He answered my unspoken question. I was starting to feel too sick to continue the argument or discussion or whatever it was. I lay down on the sofa.
"Love isn't a one way street." He sat in his chair. I stared at the ceiling. We were both thinking. Letting what had been said sink in.
"Hey Jin?" I said after I concluded I couldn't ponder his words anymore.
"Do you understand?"
"Maybe…but not really…or I think I do in a way."
He laughed again. I needed a good laugh. I wish he would let me in on the joke. "Don't worry about it. You have plenty of time to figure out what I was trying to drill into your head for yourself. You are far better off that way anyway. Now come on. This time only comes around once a year. Let's not waste it on tears." He helped me to my feet. I was surprised I was able to walk. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He was smiling at me. I put my hand in the place his hand had touched my face. I was smiling too.
We cooked dinner together. Something I do not we had ever done before. I couldn't explain it, but I was happy. I wanted to remember this. As we ate, I let my thoughts drift back to the image of the family that still haunted my mind. It hit me like a hammer on a nail.
"Thanks Jin," I said. It was his turn to be confused. We had been talking about something completely random so my expression of gratitude came as a complete shock.
"I suppose you're welcome"
Sure when you give someone, a gift he or she gets some object that they wanted, but more importantly, it is a token of appreciation –a memory to cherish. Jin's intent wasn't just to go along with tradition of gift giving. He had given me the one thing I really wanted. I guess I was wrong. He did know me.
"About what you said you wanted? It's the same thing I wanted right?"
"That's what's so great about giving. Not only does it make the receiver happy but you get a warm feeling inside your own heart."
"So then I'm off the hook for ever getting you something." I was playing around now. I now knew what Jin wanted. He wanted a sister. He wanted me to allow him to be a brother to me.