Not mine, of course.
Notes: Oh hey. Here there be gay. 3:
He loves, perhaps more than he would ever wish to admit to himself. Of course it's obvious he loves River, everyone can see it. So much sacrificed, so much wasted, for his beautiful little sister. Of course he loves River, how could he not, she is as constant and necessary to him as the body of water she is named for. What no one expects, is that not all of him is devoted to her.
So much love, hidden under the masks, hidden under the reservations and well pressed clothing. So much need too, and anger, fear, loneliness. A part of him knows that he'll never have River completely back, he blames himself for loosing her to begin with. She was so intelligent, so sharp, he struggles, leaps and grasps at her metaphorical coat tails to keep up. She shines still, so brilliant and blinding as the stars she finds so beautiful. He didn't have time growing up to focus on relationships with others, River became his best friend, infuriatingly snotty, precocious. She was always so wonderful, able to tell him exactly what was wrong, even if he didn't fully understand it.
She still does it, tells him what he doesn't quite understand. Sometimes he grasps onto her words, finds shreds of logic in them. Sometimes he doesn't like what he finds, pretends he cant understand, it infuriates her, but not even her anger can make him admit some truths.
He loves, has such potential to love, and to give, over and over again, unending. The crew knows this, they see him work to the bone to keep their number alive. Work just as hard as he does to keep River sane. He fails with River, over and over again, fails to scare all those shadows away. It eats him up inside, one day he might not be able to save one of them. Might fail like he does with River. He's terrified that one day he'll be chasing Kaylee's ghost with bloody hands, a reminder of his failures. Even worse is the Captain.
Mal, damned Mal. At least Kaylee stayed in the ship, stayed safe curled up in the cocoon of her engine-room, safe from most of the violence they brush against. The rest of the crew, the Captain especially, do not have the luxury Kaylee does. Neither does Simon sometimes, but he doesn't often think of what would happen to River if he died anymore.
He used to, used to every night, what would happen to River if something happened to him. Then as time passed, he began to fear darker harder to handle things. What would happen if he wasn't there and Mal was shot, as he so often managed. No doctor, only pressure, they knew pressure, knew field medicine. Mal would bleed to death, a fast terrifying thing. Simon wakes up some nights, face wet with tears he won't admit to shedding. Sometimes River is there, watching him in the darkness like an animal, cooing to him nonsensical musical phrases. Some nights she speaks in words he understand, tells him not to be afraid, this is home now she says, and it hurts him deeply, for he knows it's true.
Their parents wouldn't help him, disowned him when he went after her, how could they. He has so much hatred for them, for how they abandoned her. He couldn't, wouldn't abandon her, just like he wont abandon the crew now. Family he has found, even though he rebels against it with every word he says to them. He knows Inara knows better, they are alike the two of them, struggling to be separated from the mix, while hungering to feel some love. Inara knows all about love, and that she cant afford it, and Simon knows this too. Cant afford to love, even though he already loves so much, struggles to deny it everyday.
Attraction is another thing, attraction is easy to handle, easily repressed. Kaylee is so pretty, so naive, and yet knows so much more about life than Simon does. He knows there would be a companionship there he is desperately in need of. He also knows that in the long run, he would hurt Kaylee so badly. He cant bring himself to hurt her like that, even if in the beginning he'd have her smiles instead.
Mal is different. Hardened and cold, while burning with a heat and passion that Simon hides so carefully. Simon sees himself in Mal, no matter what the man has to say about their blatant differences. Backgrounds aside, Mal would die for his ship, his crew, and he'd kill to stay alive for it. Just as Simon would die for his sister, would now die for the same crew, and would do anything to stay alive to keep them safe and well as only he can. In the captain, Simon finds direction and orders, and a reprieve from being the one in charge. The one struggling to keep River safe, to keep them free and alive. Mal takes the burden, and Simon wants to give in return.
Attraction there is so strong, so desperate, for Mal is hot harsh reality, hidden under so many lies, and Simon wants to taste the passion in the space between all those stories Mal weaves around himself. But Simon cant afford to take the chance, even if Mal wanted him to. There is too much at stake, for Simon can only keep this fiction going so long.
Simon loves more than he'd like to admit, he loves Mal, and he cant afford to loose the fiction now. The lie that he doesn't. Hatred, respect, compassion, hypocritical oath, devotion. He has so much love, choked inside.
Sometimes a lie is the best thing.