Tomorrow
It always seemed like it was too much. The pull was too great. The intensity too strong. What was I doing here? How come I found myself here again when I had tried to block him out. Push all of that to one side and forget about him. I wanted to forget about him. The guilt and anger. The pain. It's all cos he's infected my life with his lies. He's knocked down every wall I've carefully crafted around myself and he gets me better than anyone ever has. He knows exactly what buttons to press and he does. I look at him sometimes and I have no idea what he's thinking. Me, I'm an open book, but him. Sometimes he's cold and distant and other times he's right there, in the moment. Telling me stuff, he knows I want and need to hear and I fall for it time and time again. When exactly did I become such a mug? So weak and pathetic that I need him. That I'd do anything, be anything just so he's close to me and in my life. So I get to touch him and feel his skin on mine. It's pathetic. I hate it. I hate him and I hate me. I hate what we did to Katie. But, I can't walk away cos when he's close to me. When he's near, it's like someone's put an electric current around us. I want him so much, it actually hurts. A nagging pain, right in my guts. He knows it and I know it. I can't give him up.
"You came then, wasn't sure you would?!" His deep blue eyes are piercing into mine. His eyes never leave me. Dressed in a brown suit and a crisp white shirt. His blonde hair ruffled and swept out of his eyes. I can still see the bruises on his face. The damage I caused. I seem to be making a habit of hitting those I care about.
"Tomorrow you said!" I look around at my surroundings. It all seems so very out of my league. I'm drowning here. Falling apart at the seams and again, he knows it. How come I can keep my secrets from everyone except him? I feel sick that I'm here again. My stomach in tight knots. My hands rolled into fists once more and I'm not sure what I want to do. Every bit of sense I have in me tells me to run as far away from this as I can. I'm due a run. My hands are trembling and shaking and I try to get them to stop. I'm fighting a losing battle. I always am. I've never had an easy way out in my entire life. The thought leaves me cold, as if someone has just walked over my grave. I'm shivering in his presence. Disgusted at how weak I am for being here. For not believing a word he says but believing it anyway. The contradiction is messing with my head. The only person he loves is himself. Everyone knows it. He's not gonna change for me. He's got a wife, status and I'm just…I'm just someone who is losing control.
He walks over to me and I'm trembling again. I need to pull myself together but I can't. I want him so much, all front is gone. I can't deny it. I don't want to deny it.
"I'm glad you're here!" His voice is little more than a whisper as he takes my battered hands in his. I close my eyes and bite down hard on my lip. I want to yell at him and scream at him about the last few weeks. About what it's cost me. Of not being able to live with the guilt. I've done guilt before and it crippled me then but this has been impossible to live with. It doesn't matter how many times I replay it or go through it. It's my fault. I brought Katie up there to catch us. The buck stops with me. It's always me. Hurting people. Causing fucking chaos. I deserve to suffer for what I've done and maybe this is part of it? Maybe I deserve this fucked up version of 'love' . I think it's all I deserve.
I've missed you!" He's backing me into a corner by one of the desks. His voice lowering as he speaks. Deep and husky. I raise my eyebrows. I'm not sure I even want him to talk. It's like he's programmed to lie. Say exactly what I want to hear and that's not what I'm here for.
"I've been here. You've seen me most days!" I reply looking straight at him, our eyes connecting once more
"You ended it. Your mum and Paddy have been watching our every move like the flaming gestapo. Where do they think you are now by the way?!"
I shrug my shoulders. Past caring about this little routine
"I'm out!" I mouth the words back at him in a low hum, "Running!"
I watch him lick his lips before he comes closer to me, placing his on mine. Ramming his tongue deep inside my willing mouth. It's like we're fighting for supremacy. It's rough and brutal and everything I want. He's pushing me backwards onto the desk as our tongues dance together. I'm grabbing at his jacket and he's taking my running top off. It's a tried and tested formula but somehow, this time, I want more. As I rip open his shirt and see his pectoral muscles, I want all of him. I feel him reaching down and grabbing at my enclosed hard cock, running his fingers from base to tip as our mouths lose connection and he begins to suck at my neck. His teeth nipping at the pink flesh that is there. There's something almost poetic about the way he strokes me and I want to cry out in pleasure. But I don't. I close my eyes and kiss his chest, circling his nipples with my tongue. I've missed him so much that part of me can't actually believe this is happening and yet here we are. Not twenty minutes since his wife, father in-law and step son have left the building. We're here. Doing this. They could have forgotten something, turn back, walk in on us. Where would his best laid plans be then eh? Part of me wants that. Even though I know the truth coming out would hurt and destroy him. If it means I get him to myself, then I could live with it. But could he? And am I stupid enough to believe that he want to be with me if it wasn't a secret. If everyone knew? Course he wouldn't. He'd run a fucking mile. Tell every lie under the sun to get back in Chrissie's bed. I know the score on that one better than he does. I know what I'm dealing with here. But that's why I want him. That's why I'm in love with him and that's why I can't let him go. As self-punishment goes , I think it's right up there with having a knife and actually carving out my heart. I know it's not gonna end well. How can it? People like me don't deserve happy endings.
I'm stroking his cock now, about to take the length inside my mouth. I look up at him as I go down on him. That look of complete pleasure on his face. His eyes rolling back inside his head as I lick up and down from base to tip and then drop it from my hands like a stone. It doesn't take him long to figure out what I've done and as much as I want him, I want him to beg for it more. I can't help but smirk, raising my eyebrows at him as his blue eyes glisten, the light catching his face as the sun streams in from the window.
"Aaron, what are you….?!" The confusion is written all over his brow.
"Not here!" I manage to say
"You wanna go upstairs?!" He whispers, the words almost catching in his throat.
It sounds petty when you put it like that. I want what she gets. Every last bit of him. I could have had him here. And every fucking room in this place and although I've got nothing against the poor cow, I actually like her, the thought of being in her bed with her husband, having him completely at my mercy. It turns me on more than anything. I shake my head at my own thoughts. I sound like some sad bit on the side. A dirty little secret that will never be anything more. I've seen what affairs can do. Why be with anyone if you're not gonna be faithful to them? I don't get it. I'd never do it. But this isn't me cheating. I'm the free agent. I'm not doing anything wrong. I want him to take away every last bit of guilt and shame. Kiss away all the bad memories, the self-loathing, the despair. And it can't be here surrounded by paper work and last night's coffee cups, I can still smell her perfume in here, see her lipstick on the cup.
He takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs, leaving half of our clothes on the floor. Knotting our fingers tightly together. My heart is beating so loudly, I'm sure he can hear it but he says nothing. That's not like him. He's usually got an answer for everything. So smug and so fucking arrogant. Everything has to go the way he wants it to go. Control. That's what it's all about isn't it? And how can he control something that is so completely out of control, like me? Is that what brings him back to me? The challenge? I mull it over in my head but I too, say nothing. I don't want to talk or break the spell. It's always so manic. So frantic. It's always such a rush. I don't want that today. Just for once, I want to believe in it and believe in us. Even if I'm lying to myself. I'll deal with the fallout, tomorrow.
I don't take the time to look around the room but I know she's all over it. I don't care about that. She's just a casualty in whatever this is. As soon as we're there. I grab him again. Pushing my tongue inside his eager mouth, I kiss him with everything I have in me. His hands are grabbing at my face, running his fingers down my dark, rough beard. It's the way it always is. Do we know anything else? Rough, demanding. Brutal. Hands clawing at skin as he undresses me and I do the same to him. His body is amazing, like a sculpture. I kiss every part of his skin as I lie him down on the crisp white sheets of the king-size bed. The bruises that I inflicted, like I'm kissing them better and he makes a humming sound as my stubble passes over them. This is for all the lies and the pain. I maneuverer myself so I can take his cock inside my mouth. I'm hungry for it, it's been too long. I straddle him so he can do the same with my cock. I feel him lick up and down the girth before taking me completely inside his mouth, hitting the back of his throat and I want to thrust. I want him to feel me as I do the same to him. We've never done this before but it feels right. I taste every inch of him, licking the precum before grabbing at his balls, pushing his dick in and out of my mouth in a steady rhythm . I'm not gonna let him come and just as he teeters on the edge, again, I let him drop from my mouth and pull my cock out of his. Our chests heave together once more as we kiss passionately. It's perfect how our bodies join together. I've never had this with anyone else. Not even Jackson. Our breathing matches. My hands claw at his bare back, as I dig my fingers into his flesh. He rolls me over and so he's on top of me now. He's in control and I want to give him that control. Our cocks rub together in a rhythm, creating a steady friction that is slowly driving me insane. Neither one of us giving in as we almost fight with one another, wrestling for control and to have the upper hand. I feel his fingers, long and steady, find my puckered hole, he's raising my ankles up on to his shoulders, so he can have better access before inserting one, two and then three fingers inside me. I want to scream at him to get his fucking cock inside of me now, but I don't. I try to level out my breathing but I'm panting as his fingers find my spot. I try not to cry out. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's got me exactly where he wants me. I'm willing to beg now and as our eyes lock together , his blue eyes burn into mine, beads of sweat running down his forehead onto his sculptured nose, he knows it and I know it. There is no hiding place. I reach down with my hands to find his hardened cock, trying to direct it to my entrance myself. He smirks. Fucking smirks at me before placing his lips on mine once again, forcing his tongue deep inside my wet mouth and kissing new life into me. As he's kissing me, I can feel him removing his fingers and lining up his cock. I let out a hum and a sigh that vibrates into his mouth and leaves us both feeling like a current is running through us as he pushes himself deep inside of me, breaking contact from our mouths. I moan as he opens me up to him, wider and deeper. I've never felt so fucking exposed as he looks down on me. Entwining our hands together, he lifts them above my head as he starts to move, thrusting his skinny hips back and forth. He hits my prostate. It's too fucking intense. He thrusts and moans and almost carves me in two. I feel the familiar tears build up behind my eyes but it's not the familiar feelings of guilt and pain. This is something else. This is being properly connected and I never want it to stop. I dig my nails into his back once more like I'm running them down a blackboard, marking him as mine. I bite his shoulders as his thrusts go deeper, hitting my spot time and time again, it's electric and I feel like every part of me is on fire. It's burning us up. One of his hands finds my own weeping cock and he begins to stroke it in time with the thrusts he's making inside my body. With my left hand, I find his hole, digging one finger inside him. He's never let me do this before, but I find no resistance and soon we are both moaning in pleasure, on a rollercoaster that shows no sign of stopping. My breathing becomes ragged and I know I can't put off the evitable for much longer. His hand is pumping me and the duel pleasure of his cock hitting my spot over and over is driving me to the point of no return. I call out his name as I come. I don't mean to but I hold onto his body so tightly that I almost burn a hole in his skin. My white, sticky cum shooting from me, to his hand and both our stomachs. As I recover and my breathing calms down a notch, I feel him explode inside of me. His loss of control in that moment lighting his eyes up to me. He even looks a bit godly, glistening with sweat and my cum as he releases his juices and I ram my tongue inside his mouth again, kissing him as we remain joined together . I don't want this moment to end. I don't want to not be joined to him. I want to be here, in his arms, holding him like this, for however long it takes. So I don't have to get back to real life. So, I don't have to ever 'think' again.
Neither of us say anything as our breathing starts to return to normal. He pulls out of me and lies beside me. I can't even turn my head to look at him. I don't want to break the spell.
"I am glad you came!" He breaks the silence as I shake my head, almost wanting to laugh at his words, "Came over.." He adds, as he gets the irony in what he just said, he laughs too.
"So, what now?!" I can't help but ask the question. I know nothing changes but I also know that this thing between us, can't stop.
"I'm ready to go again, if you are.." He turns to me, that cheeky schoolboy grin on his face
"That's not what I meant!" I roll my eyes slightly
"Why think about it now?!" He exclaims, propping himself up on his elbow to look down on me once more, "What happens tomorrow, happens. We've still got today though and I know what I want.."
"Is that all you think about?!" I smile. How he gets me to smile, when there is nothing in this sordid mess to smile about, I literally have no idea.
"You're all I think about.." He whispers, "I mean it Aaron!" He sounds sincere and short of whipping out a lie detector test , what else can I do but believe him. Whatever happens next, happens. I'm sure I've said that before as well. Maybe we are similar after all. Maybe that's why he gets me when no one else does or can be bothered enough to try. I bite down hard on my lip.
"Do you mean it?!" I ask again, "What you said a few days ago or did you just want this or to get me back on side?!" I ask the question although I'm sure I can't handle the truth. He's kissed my scars today. He knows what damage guilt and pain can do to me. How all I want to do sometimes is to release. To get it to stop
"You know I meant it!" He sighs. I allow myself a little smile but I don't want him to say it again and neither will I say it to him. It can be unspoken. And at the end of the day, it's only words anyway. It's his actions that will prove it.
"You know for such an Neanderthal, you think too much.." He goes on and I smile, I can't help but agree with him. He brings his pink, glistening lips up to mine once more to kiss me and I give myself over to him once more. What happens tomorrow will happen. I've probably got no control over it, pretty much like I don't over this. But right now, there's nowhere else on this earth I'd rather be.