"Where is he?" I can't hide the panic in my voice.

"Livia, your father is dead. He killed himself." My stepmother states.

She stands tall over me, her eyes pierce into me. My heart aches, I can't do this much longer.I can't speak. I can't move. The reality hits me like a tidal wave. The pain in my chest grows. My heartbeat goes faster and faster and faster. The world starts to spin. The room is fading away leaving me standing in a blank space. Then he's there. All I can see is his face. His dark eyes stare at me. I fall to me knees and sob.

"NO! He can't be!"

"You killed him Livia, its your fault!"

"NO!"

I sit up in my bed and look around. My breathing is heavy and I start to panic. It takes me a minute to realize I'm at home. I'm fine.

"It's just a dream Livia, it's just a dream." I have to remind myself everyday.

I've had this dream for months now. I can't sleep. I panic all the time. And there's a deep pain in my chest constantly. I can't tell anyone about my anxiety or my pain. Everyone always tells me how good of a person I am after everything I've been through. I can't be this girl. I can't be me. Living the lie is all that I do now.

It's been 9 months since I moved here. I haven't seen or talked to my dad since. I live with my mom and grandparents now. My mom, who's trying to recover from years of alcohol and drug abuse, is always gone. I know why, but remember, I have to live the lie. My grandma takes care of me. I can honestly say she's my best friend. I can't tell her though. I can't tell anyone how I am. My twin and brother turned out fine. I have to too. I can't be broken.

I pull off my covers and swing my legs over my bed. For a minute I sit, with my head in my hands. I need to calm down. I'm shaking and I can feel my heart pounding. I put both feet on the ground and stand. I walk to the mirror that stands in the corner of my room. I look at the girl I see. She's broken. She has sad eyes that have dark circles under them. Her eyes are red and puffy. She's been crying. Her skin is pale, almost like you can see through her. I want to help her, she needs help. I move my hand up and reach out to touch her. That is until I see, that girl is me. My world spins and everything is going dark. I can't move and I feel dizzy. I grab my chest in pain. I know what's going to happen. As I fall back into the darkness the last thing I see is my eyes. Begging for help. I let the darkness swallow me whole. And I fall, hearing my family yell for me. I smile and with this my world is gone.

(Time skip)

I slowly open my eyes but close them right away. The bright lights are blinding me. I groan out in pain. My chest aches as well as the back of my head. I guess when I passed out my head took the majority of the fall.

"Look who's up, finally we were starting to worry about you." A woman with dark skin and hair tied back into a ponytail states.

"Your family just left for the night, I'll make sure to give them a call for you." She looks at me with big brown eyes.

I want to stay silent, but she's the only person here. I need answers, and I don't want to be alone. Her eyes are welcoming so I decide to speak.

"Thank you." I croak.

"No problem sweet pea." She smiles.

"If you don't mind me asking, why exactly am I here?" I ask confused. I know I'm in a hospital, but I don't know why.

"Oh, honey, you're here because of your heart."

My heart starts pounding again. I can feel the butterfly sensation in my stomach. A feeling I've gotten so use to.

"What's wrong with my heart?!" I'm beginning to panic now.

"Honey calm down now, it's not good for your heart." She says in a soothing voice.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" I shout.

My heart monitors start to blare out a loud beeping noise. I know I'm panicking. I know I shouldn't but it's all I know. It's how I tick.

"Your heart is inflamed. Obviously you have panic disorders as well. That's what makes you different from other patients. Your disease won't kill you, but your anxiety will. You're going to be staying here for a while until we can learn to control your anxiety. Then we can go ahead and try to do surgery on you. You might need a new heart." She says adjusting my monitor.

I try to soak this all in. I've turned into the girl I see in the mirror. I am broken. I am finally me. That's what's scary. I breathe loud and slow. My monitor slows down and returns to normal. She is about to walk out of my room, but I can't let her go yet.

"Wait!" I say louder than I mean to.

"Yes?" She asks.

"What's your name?" I question.

"Nurse Jackson." She looks me in the eyes.

"Oh thank you Nurse Jackson." I look down and twirl my hands in my lap. I'm embarrassed by my behavior. I usually don't yell.

"Welcome to Ocean Park Hospital Livia." With this she walks out of my room.

I look at my new room. Dull, cold, and scary. I'm left alone for the night expected to sleep after a long day. I don't want to though. I can't. I try to keep myself awake but the night is so peaceful. I let my eyes close and dream. Maybe this would be my new beginning.

(Time skip)

I wake up the next morning refreshed. For the first night in months I didn't have the dream. I didn't dream at all. I don't know what time it is but I'm wide awake. I sit up in bed and look out the window. The sun is just rising. My favorite part of the day is now. Before my mom was sick she would wake me up really early and carry me outside. She'd sit on our porch swing and set me in her lap. I would watch the sun rise with her. She hasn't done that in years. I doubt she's been up in the morning since then.

I decide to get out of bed and decide what I'm going to do with this room. As I walk around thinking about it I get dizzy again. I lay back down and wait for sleep.

I wake up again, but this time my Grandma's there.

"Sweetie your up...," She gets up and walks towards me, "I heard you're going to be staying awhile." She says stroking a piece of hair out of my face.

"I guess so Grandma."

Nurse Jackson walks in with an attractive man. He's taller with brown hair with a touch of gray. He is handsome might I add. My daydream is broken when he introduces himself.

"Hello I'm Dr. McAndrew. I'm here to discuss Livia's health. It seems she was born with a heart defect. Untreated it started to swell because of it and the added stress. We're going to be keeping her monitoring her stress. She has many panic disorders and needs treatment, it's been taking a tole on her heart. There is a school here she can keep up with along with many other kids staying here. We want you to be safe and comfortable here Livia."

"Thank you Dr. McAndrew."

"No problem, if you have any questions or need anything feel free to ask me or any of our nurses here." With this he walks out of my room leaving me in awe.

"Livia is there anything you need?" Nurse Jackson asks.

"I'm fine, I want to start decorating today, is that ok?"

"Of course! Feel free," Nurse Jackson turns to leave but adds as a final though,"but no paint!"

I look at my Grandma standing next to me. Her eyes are glistening.

"Grandma I'm sorry I never said anything. It's just I was so afraid I'd be the girl that everyone didn't want. Like a washed up granddaughter. I do trust you Grandma. I'm sorry..."

"Honey focus on yourself right now, I just want you better now."

"Does Mom know?"

"Yes... she's dealing with the news... in her own way."

I knew what that meant. My mom was probably out at a bar drinking away and flirting with anything that walks. My mom would be using my problem as her own. She loves to play the victim role. I wasn't going to think about my past though. I wanted to start over and look towards the future.

"So what are you going to need for the room?" My Grandma walks around the room looking for inspiration.

"Just the necessities I guess. Some clothes would be nice." I joke standing up out of bed to show her my stylish hospital gown.

"I'll get everybody to box up your stuff, we'll all come help you set up your new room."

She smiles at me and brings me in for a hug.

"I love you Livia, with all my heart, no matter what.." She kisses my forehead and turns to grab her purse.

"Love you too Grandma.."

Just like that my Grandma is on her way out to start her new mission, to fix me.