Surfacing
Buffy felt her eyelids start to fall as she lay on the couch in front of the TV. Just as she was about to doze off, the front door opened.
"Hey Buffy." Chorused Dawn and Willow as they headed for the kitchen.
"What time is it?" Buffy yawned, and her eyebrows raised when she saw the clock that read 7:21.
"We have dinner." Dawn bounded into the room. She'd grown a lot over the summer, and Buffy was still figuring out how she could make herself taller than her sister.
"Okey doke." Buffy smiled as she sat up and stretched. Never before had she had such a boring summer. Now it was only a matter of days before Dawn headed back to school, and Buffy would be back to being alone. Again.
After Buffy, Dawn and Willow finished their chicken wings, they headed into the living room. Willow plopped down next to her best friend and sighed.
"Anything good on?" Dawn turned to her sister, and Buffy shook her head.
"Why do you think I was falling asleep?"
"Hey!" Willow grinned, and Buffy felt a pang of happiness tickle her heart. An old-Willow smile. It was all slowly starting to come back.
"What?" Dawn raised her eyebrows.
"We should have a- a slumber party!" Willow practically gasped with excitement.
Buffy laughed, then realized her friend was being serious.
"A slumber party? I haven't been to one since the eighth grade." Dawn smiled, "That would be cool. But...we all live here."
"That doesn't matter!" Willow bounced, "Pay per view! Popcorn! Ben and Jerrys! And...and truth or dare!"
Buffy started to laugh, "Truth or dare?"
"Yeah! I never got to play that when I was the age...I've never actually been to a real slumber party." Willow bit her lip in anticipation. Buffy grinned.
"Could be fun...."
*
Three hours, two tubs of ice cream, Serendipity and American Beauty later, Buffy Willow and Dawn lay on the floor of the Summers' living room in the dark.
"Ok, before this whole things starts," Buffy looked between the two, "No horror stories. There are too many for real life."
Dawn and Willow nodded in agreement.
"Truth or dare, Willow?" Dawn smiled at the redhead.
Willow blushed, "Um...truth."
"Ok," Dawn smirked, "For how long were you in love with Xander?"
Willow's eyes widened like saucers, and Buffy started to giggle.
"Since...the third grade."
"Up until..."
"I met Tara, really."
"WILLOW!" Buffy shouted with laughter, "What about OZ!?"
"Well," Willow blushed, "That was....you can love more than one person, Buffy. You know that."
"Do I?" Buffy quipped, and Dawn laughed.
"Ok, Will. Your turn."
"Ok...Dawnie, truth or dare?"
"Truth"
"Ok....am I allowed to ask touchy topics? Cause I don't want to put my foot in my mouth or anything..."
"Go ahead," Dawn replied, but she looked uncomfortable.
"Ok..." Willow said uncertainly, "Were you trying to kill yourself when you cut yourself...when you found out you were the Key?"
There was a silence, and then Buffy cleared her throat, "You don't have to answer, Dawn-"
"But I will...I mean....I don't know, Willow. I...I don't know. I needed to see...I needed to be able to tell whether I was real or not....it was confusing."
"Um...ok." Willow bit her lip.
"Ok," Dawn said in a phoney upbeat tone, "So, Buffy. Truth or dare?"
Buffy considered. There were a few things left from her life that Willow didn't know about...and lots of things Dawn didn't know about...but Dawn daring her to do something was scarier than anything she'd ever thought of facing.
"Truth." she replied, and leaned back on the couch.
"Ok," Dawn's eyes glinted, "Were you in love with Spike?"
Buffy felt her eyes glaze over and her body freeze.
"What?" she said after a silence.
"Were you in love with Spike?"
Buffy stared at her sister, then thought about it.
"You know....I'm not sure. I...I don't think I really was...the thing is...never mind." she said quickly.
"Tell, tell!" Dawn and Willow chorused quietly, and Buffy almost laughed out loud. She'd never thought she'd see the day when she'd be spilling secrets about Spike at a slumber party with her sister and best friend.
"Ok," she said reluctantly and grabbed a pillow to hug, "It was...it was really...ok, should I start from the beginning?"
"Yes."
"Ok. When I got back last year...it was like everything was torture. Just living through it all...more of it, it was torture. I felt like I was being put through hell. Again. But Spike...he was the only one who knew what it felt like. Immortality...dying and then coming back....it was strange, but I'd never felt closer to anybody. That closeness...it turned to me wanting to feel...wanting to feel alive. And well...yeah. We were together for a while...and we both knew I was using him. But he tried not to care that I didn't love him, plus he tried to convince himself and me that I did love him. I didn't...I had mixed feelings. He made me feel...he once told me that true love was for old marrieds. That true love burns and consumes. And then I pulled a me and told him that it would burn and consume...until there was nothing left. I refused to do this to myself...and I refused to put him through it anymore either. So I broke it off. I had temptations...there were always temptations. He was...but that didn't matter to me as much as getting away did. So I got away. And then the incident...he tried to get to me in the bathroom here. He tried to make me...he tried to make me feel again. I don't know if he realized what exactly he was doing...but it didn't matter. Once I pushed him off I asked him if he'd yet realized why I could never love him. Then he left. But you know...I used to love his eyes. They would be a gateway to exactly what he felt. I'd always noticed that about Spike...but it was even more apparent for the past year because I saw love. Just pure...love. It was amazing, I thought I might drown in those eyes and nobody would be able to fish me out. That's another reason why I broke it off... but those eyes. They showed so much emotion. Love...passion...creativity, you know? And it made me wonder, what was he like? Before he lost his soul...what was he? How was he? Was he ever in love? Did he wear black then? Did he still have bleached hair? Then I realized that he couldn't have. That stuff was invented way after his time...so I started idolizing this idea of Souled Spike. I just...couldn't grasp that he was ever anything but the way he is now. He had a soul at one time, he had a beating heart. And I just couldn't fathom what he'd be like...if he managed to hold onto a little romanticism without a soul, how deep was he when he had one? And that led me down the path to where I am now...still wondering about him. Not a day goes by that I don't see him fresh in my mind. The first time we kissed...out back behind the magic box after the music week. That was such pure romanticism...it was perfect. And I couldn't let go of the idea that if I could only get somebody to get that soul back...he could be....but then I jumped back to reality and realized it would never happen. That there was no chance. And that's why I cut it off. So, you ask if I loved him? Well...that depends on your idea, your concept of love. I think a little part of me did. Does that...." Buffy looked up, "Does that answer what you were asking?"
Dawn and Willow nodded in silence.
"It's late," Willow said finally, and they turned off the remaining light. No girl in that room fell asleep right away, but lay awake thinking of eachother's experiences. And about how you learn new things every day.
You come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery
-Building a Mystery
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
-Do What You Have To Do
And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
-I Love You
It doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room
-Sweet Surrender
Adia I'm empty since you left me
trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong
-Adia
Will we burn in heaven
like we do down here
will the change come
while we're waiting
-Witness
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
-Angel
Everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance so
don't disappoint them
-Black and White
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
-Full of Grace
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
-Possession
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Buffy, and the lyrics are composed and sang by Sarah Mclachlan.