Miseria Cantare

Written By diamondsforever

Original: Rurouni Kenshin by Watsuki Nobuhiro. Standard disclaimers apply.

Summary: Misao had never set her heart out on anyone other than her treasured guardian, Aoshi, but she soon comes to realize that there's more to life than one man, one gender, and accepted social stigmas. Deals with bi-curiousity.

Any Pairings: Well, this story largely focuses on Misao dealing with bi-curiousity, as well as the social stigmas and confusion that follows. I suppose you could call it a struggle between her feelings for Aoshi and Megumi.

The Origin of the Title: I suppose that it can be translated in many European languages, but the general conclusion is that it means 'misery will sing'.

Warning: If you don't like the concept of reading about a teenager struggling with her sexuality in the late 1800s, don't read this. I'm trying to be as realistic about this as I possibly can, as a fiction writer. I rated this story 'M', because I believe that most teenagers struggle with their sexuality around the age of 16, as well as the fact that this is quite a sensitive topic to many.

Chapter One

Misery Business

Dreams of Aoshi were hardly rare, and truthfully, they eased her sleep more often than not. She'd never vocally express the contents of her dreams, but from the occasional murmurings she heard in the corners of the inn ("Oh, Misao was sleep-talking about Aoshi again…"); it seemed that her dreams were never truly private. She cursed herself for being so careless, but how was she able to consciously control her mouth while not actually being conscious? She had tried tying a cloth around her mouth in an attempt to keep her lips sealed, or at best, muffle any words that elicited from her throat, but the attempt rendered itself a failure when she woke up choking and spluttering from a lack of air in the middle of the night.

Misao had tried other methods too – staying awake for as long as she could, before sleepiness overcame her succumbing body, as well as deliberately sleeping late into the early hours of the morning for the sake of developing tiredness so powerful that her mind would lose its comprehensive ability to create dreams. Yet, these techniques proved to be more harmful than not, and she'd wake up with panda eyes that Okina would tease her about, and she'd try to hide her embarrassment from Aoshi.

She wondered sometimes if Aoshi knew about this, and what he thought about the matter if he did. Would he call her childish with his eyes and dismiss it as part of her crush on him? Or would he find it uncomfortable and inappropriate? Dreams were always known for getting out of control, after all, and the really good ones often reflected one's amalgamated desires, no matter how far-fetched, or even… improper at times.

"Misao-chan, I heard you slept well?" Okina asked brightly, and Misao snapped her head sharply at the older man, as though challenging his question for its potential double meaning.

"Yeah," she replied as coolly as she could, "Do you know where Aoshi-sama is?"

"He said that he was heading out to town." Okina replied, stroking his beard, "He left only a few minutes ago. I'm sure that you can catch up to him if you hurry."

A grin filled her lips as she rushed to leave the inn, though Okina's comment had surprised her – usually Aoshi was either in his room or at the temple. Why would he visit the town? Unwilling to let such meager contemplations get in her way; she brushed aside her thoughts and proceeded to catch up to him. She didn't stop to think twice as Okina gave her some money, a basket, and a list of food he said they would need for dinner that night. All that reigned in her mind was the possibility of spending the afternoon with him if she found him; catching up to him was rare and she didn't want to disturb him whenever he decided to meditate.

Rushing down the streets she knew like the back of her hand, Misao searched the sea of marketing people for her love – he would stand out, surely; his height was not a characteristic that most Japanese men inherited from birth. His face was unique as well; it was the only one capable of stopping time and sending her heart into a racing frenzy. It took her a while, albeit panicking as she did so, to find him in the crowded marketplace.

"Aoshi-sama!" she called instantaneously, stumbling ahead just to reach him, "Finally, I've found you!"

As though accustomed to the sound of her ecstatic voice, Aoshi paused in his steps, before turning to her direction. He saw the basket clutched tightly to her arm, as well as her slightly disheveled state, and he heard the sound of her panting, desperate inhalations of air.

"Did Okina send you out to buy groceries?" he asked her, and she noticed that his eyes were transfixed on the basket on her arm.

"Oh," Misao exclaimed, recalling the errand Okina sent her out on, as well as the crushed slip of paper in her fist, "Yeah, he did… and he said that you were in town as well, so I figured… that we could go shopping together." She paused, eagerly waiting for his response, which she hoped would be an approval. Her widened smile retraced her lips once more as he nodded his head and stretched his hand out towards her. For a moment, she blushed; fantasizing that he planned to take her by the hand, before realizing that he only wanted the sheet of paper that she was crushing beyond recognition in the palm of her sweaty hand. "Oh… this," she laughed off her misinterpretation, handing him the list. His fingertips platonically brushed against her palm for a second that came and disappeared, but it was enough to send her heart into another leaping fit of romantic epilepsy.

"Eggs, white radish, carrots, spices, and some fruits." Misao read aloud beside him, "That sounds easy enough. Let's go that way!" Determined to display her ability to shop efficiently, if it meant anything at all, she paced herself beside him, gesturing him along every step of the way from one food stand to the next. She bargained as well as she could, and between moments, she stole small glances at him to see if she was the focus of his attention while it lasted. She threw some small talk at him in an attempt to avoid making her glances appear too eager, and he would reply monosyllabically or in well-timed, pseudo-casual phrases.

They bought the eggs last of all, as taught by her inn-keeping guardians; they were most delicate, after all – and wasting them was hardly an option. Misao found the egg stall one of the most fascinating stores in the marketplace; there was always a myriad of eggs, ranging from different species (or so, used to be) to different shades and sizes. She chatted to Aoshi about them, discussing which ones she found to be the cutest, and which ones tasted the worst (looks were deceiving, she pointed out). She finally decided on the standard, white coloured chicken eggs. Liking the way each one fitted snugly into her palm, she picked out the largest one she saw, balancing it between her five fingertips.

"Aoshi-sama," she asked, turning to look up at him, "What do you see when you look at an egg?"

"What's there to see?" he replied, to her joy, "What you see is what you get. An egg is an egg."

"I suppose you could say that," she laughed, "But I see eggs as people, in a way. You know how fate works in people's lives? It's the same for these eggs – if fate treated them differently, they wouldn't be for sale right now, and destined to become food for us. They could have been chickens; they could have lived. But I guess life is kind of unfair sometimes, anyway, to people and chickens alike."

Proud of her pseudo-words of wisdom, she beamed, twirling the egg confidently in the palm of her hand, oblivious to anyone other than Aoshi. It was then that she felt a violent shove from behind, followed by shouts of anger from other members of the crowd who experienced similar sensations to her. It was her natural instinct to turn and chase or yell at whoever was careless enough to push her roughly like that, but this time, she froze as embarrassment burned red in her cheeks. Taking a step back, she felt the thick stickiness that clung disgustingly to her hands… and Aoshi's clothing. His body had cushioned hers from the push, but for a price – the mess was oozing down his robe and it was unsightly.

"Are you alright, Misao?" he asked, his expression the same – he seemed to disregard the mess as he eyed her hands and the shock plastered on her face. For the very first time on this outing, she wished that he would look away.

"I… I'm sorry, Aoshi-sama," she spluttered, "I ruined your…"

"It's alright," he replied, turning to the nearest grocer for a cloth, or something to wipe down the messy egg stains from both his attire and her hands. For the first time, Misao likened herself to an egg – whole on the outside, but just a slobbery, sticky mess when cracked open for exposure to the world. It was as she said earlier – life truly was unfair.

The rest of their trip was silent; after cleaning up, they purchased the amount of eggs they needed before returning to the inn. Misao's eyes dove earthward the entire trip, though she occasionally glanced sideways to see the yellowing stain in the midsection of his garment. Sometimes Aoshi would catch her stare, and she'd look away at once, flustered and willing to reach home as quickly as possible so that she could run upstairs and hide in her room. She could see herself burying her head into her futon already, and it only worsened the sickliness in her stomach.

"I'm… really sorry, Aoshi-sama," she squeaked, as they approached an eagerly waiting Okina who stood at the inn's entrance.

"It was an unfortunate accident, Misao," he replied, and through his lack of expression, she couldn't tell if he was truly unfazed, or if he was only hiding the fact that he hated the egg stain as much as she did, "Nobody was injured."

Letting Okina take the basket from her hands, she watched as Aoshi's tall figure stepped through the door and disappeared from her line of sight.

"What happened, Misao-chan?" Okina queried, surprised to see her like this, and Misao let out a sigh.

"I discovered that eggs are misery business."

Preview (Chapter Two): Misao continues to worry about Aoshi's thoughts about her as she attempts to make it up to him through unnecessary acts of care and housework, though it appears that he was truly unfazed by what had happened in the marketplace. Also, her mood is rekindled when she receives an unexpected letter from Kaoru, which includes an invitation to Tokyo for sightseeing and fun…