I can't believe he's gone.
It was only now hitting me. Some time had passed since the attack, I missed his funeral service, my life had continued on, and now it was all catching up to me. The attack that took his life and nearly took my own, I will be honest, seemed so distant at the time. Now it felt like it happened yesterday.
I'm not sure what it is about mourning that brought me here. The halls of my Alma Mater hadn't changed much since the last time I walked through these doors. It was actually a comforting and a pleasant find to see the memorial my University had set up in memory of the professor still intact. My letter was now sitting among the rest in his old classroom.
There was a photo of him in a brown wool suit and a yellow bow tie. I'll never understand what it is about bow ties and professors. They seemed to always go hand in hand. Professor Eifman dropped the fashion by the time I became one of his students, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little amused to see that at some point that he did once take on the bow tie. It really is a good picture of him, though. Young. Must have been taken when he first started teaching here.
Even with the picture staring at me, even with seeing all the notes and items people left behind and knowing that they also stood in this very spot to remember the professor, I felt so lonely. I thought maybe by coming here, the pain I held would be able to rest, but that didn't seem to be the case.
So many people are gone. The professor, other coworkers, pilots, and now one of my closest friends was stuck in the hospital. He's certainly seen better days and doctors were still a little unsure whether or not he would follow in the footsteps of his fellow flag fighters. Or of his mentor.
Naïve of me, you could say, to have never thought once that this could happen. The thought of losing people close to me never really crossed my mind. But would that have prepared me for this moment any better? Would that have made the pain building up be any less than it is right now? I don't believe so.
I guess this is why people cry in these situations. No tears were coming from me, however. I don't know why with all the pain I was feeling. I wish I could cry right now or better yet, find the energy to scream. To do something.
Yet I did nothing. I could do nothing. Not even hold myself because of my arm, but I think that is what I needed most right now.
"Billy?"
Alone with my thoughts and what a cruel thing the mind can be! I could have sworn I heard her voice.
"Billy?"
It was that second call I realized that her voice was accompanied by footsteps close by. I decided there would be no harm in looking over my shoulder and sure enough, she was standing right there. Isn't it amazing how one single person can make the world stop and make you feel like everything will be okay? I don't believe in fate or destiny, but sometimes a coincidence like this will make me question it.
"What are you doing here?" I regretted the question as soon as it left my mouth. It was stupid, I know. But I had asked it.
Thankfully Kujo seemed too distracted with something else and didn't seem to notice the question I had asked. There was a look of concern on her face as she came towards me.
"What happened to you?"
I hesitated and struggled with an answer. I felt like it was obvious and that she should know. Silly me, though. I recalled my email and remembered that it had been short and to the point. Eifman was like family to us both and I didn't want her to hear it from a news report. I simply stated the situation, nothing more and nothing less. I didn't once mention myself. I mean, how could I?
"I was," The words felt heavy at the bottom of my throat as the fact that she held concern over my condition was beginning to sink in.
"I'm sorry. I--I was there when Eifman--." I was practically choking on the reply and was unable to finish that thought. "I'm all right though." Most of my wounds have healed, but because I strained myself a bit early on, my arm still needed to be in a sling.
"I see." Her eyes looked away from mine and I half wondered if I said something or did something wrong.
Slowly she moved away from me and over to the memorial to have a closer look at Eifman's picture. It was framed in a red wood, polished, and overall, it looked sharp. Distinguished.
My mind was just beginning to trail off and remember times when I had sat in this classroom with her when my ears picked up something soft.
"I'm sorry."
I didn't quite catch it and started listening more intently.
"I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't sure if I heard that right and grew even more confused, "Kujo?"
Her shoulders hunched up and her head ducked down in response. Even with her back to me, I could easily guess that she was on the verge of crying if not already.
"I'm so sorry." Now she was facing me, her eyes red and tears falling down from her cheeks. I've never really seen her cry before. Not like this. It startled me.
"I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I. . ." One hand moved to her forehead and the other over her mouth. Her tears and words became sobs as she struggled to stay on her feet.
I wanted to pull her into an embrace and hold her tightly, but I only stood there. I didn't understand why she was apologizing. I wanted to comfort her and tell her it would be okay. I wanted to so much, but I couldn't help wonder about my place with her. Would that be too much? What would be acceptable?
It was hard to say which hurt more. Feeling absolutely helpless and unable to comfort her or simply seeing the woman I admire, care for, and. . .care for be in so much pain. My heart was aching so much as I struggled with what to do.
"Kujo. It's okay." I reached out to gently rub her shoulder as I grasped for words that I thought she might find comforting, "No one is blaming you. It isn't your fault."
Her hands dropped and she looked up at me. While she had stopped crying, she didn't look too convinced and I worried she would only start again.
Carefully I wiped away some of her tears. All that I could think about was how I had wanted her to come visit me some time at the base and how I used Eifman as a good reason for her to do so. She never came.
But I had realized something back then. Maybe it would help her to hear it.
"You know," I tried to smile, "I believe you are a strong person."
My voice fell soft as I pressed my forehead to hers. It was the compromise between my head and my heart.
"A person can only do so much and follow what they believe in. Follow their heart. As long as you are doing what feels right for you, no one can blame you."
Neither of us moved and I don't know how long we were like this. Time had stopped for me when she walked in earlier.
"Thank you." She pulled away, her tears were gone and she was smiling softly at me. Not once have I seen her smile like this at me before. I felt so happy and didn't want us to part ways so soon.
"Would you like to go somewhere for a drink or something?"
She answered with a small laugh and walked by me. "No. I probably shouldn't right now. Thank you."
I felt a bit panicked, okay, maybe a little desperate. But I have no idea when I will see her again!
"Are you staying the night in town?" It was getting late, "Where is your hotel? If it is on the south side of the city, we could always share a cab."
Of course, with the size of the city, the chance that we both booked hotel rooms close together was slim. But I was hoping.
Her back was to me and I noticed her head turn just slightly as if she was looking over her shoulder.
"I haven't booked a room yet."
Oh. I could work with that!
"I am sure there is still a room at the place I am staying. It's nice." I began searching my pocked to dig out my cell phone. Best to check ahead first, but I barely had the chance to select even one number when she spoke up again.
"Could I just stay with you?"
The phone slipped and fumbled a bit. I barely managed to catch it and shove it into my pocket to prevent it from falling to the ground. There was one reason I could think of as to why she might want to stay with me, but I am still a little surprised. Also, I wouldn't think she would ever go anywhere without planning ahead.
Wait. Why am I analyzing this?
"O-of course." I had to clear my throat, "Shall we go now?"
We walked side by side out of the University, I called a cab, and together we headed back to my hotel. Not knowing I would be sharing it with someone, I had booked the smallest room available. The room didn't even have a couch. Only a full sized bed, two chairs, small table, television, and a small dresser that was barely larger than an end table.
It wasn't until I saw my suitcase sitting at the end of the bed that I questioned Kujo's luggage. Apparently the airline had misplaced her bag.
Now, what would one expect to happen next?
Well, the night was simple. We ordered room service and shared stories we remembered back from college and then on to our future plans. Both of us seemed to be in the same boat. We both wanted to change what we were currently doing and find something new.
When Kujo retired to the shower, I took the time to change and set up a bed for myself on the floor. I carefully put my clothes away and folded my glasses to set them on the dresser. Her purse was near by and some of the contents had fallen out. A hotel key I didn't recognize was one piece in the mix. There was no reason to ask.
She came out wearing only a lavender silk button up top with the typical breast pocket on the left. It was actually mine and just barely long enough to cover her. She didn't have her luggage and needed something to sleep in after all. Of course, I had on the matching bottoms. Maybe a little cheesy, but it worked fine and we both crawled into our beds.
I will admit. The floor wasn't exactly comfortable and I kept falling in and out of sleep. It was hard to make out, but I think the clock said 2:28am when I heard the bed behind me squeak a bit. My back was to it, but I quickly shut my eyes. It sounded like Kujo was getting up and I didn't want her to think she woke me up.
It was then I got the feeling someone was looking over me. I didn't move and continued to pretend I was asleep. The covers around me tugged a bit as Kujo climbed into my bed with me.
"I don't want to be alone right now." It was a whisper I felt brush past my cheek. A small and faint kiss followed. If it wasn't for the dark, I am sure she would have noticed that I was actually awake and now very red.
She lay down next to me and her hand slipped around me. It came to rest against my chest and I could hear her take a deep breath before relaxing completely.
Kujo didn't seem to have any intention on returning to her bed. Even so, I forced a hand to hers, intertwined our fingers the best I could, and held on gently as I was too scared she would change her mind. She didn't.
And I didn't sleep the rest of the night.