Disclaimer: This story contains a bit of swearing and some toilet humor (well, it's Levi!) as well as anachronisms. References to real-life things aside, I'd say this takes place after "No Regrets" but before Eren and company join the Survey Corps. This is a bit silly, but it's my way of expanding to AoT fics, so I hope you enjoy!

THE TALES OF SHORTY AND FOUR-EYES, PART ONE:

The Survey Corps had just finished another successful expedition: only a third of the group had died horribly at the hands (and mouths, legs, etc.) of the Titans. Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hange Zoë were taking care of their horses, Hange chattering excitedly while Levi half-listened. It was more than he usually did, as this time Hange wasn't going on about the disgusting details of Titan anatomy and how cool it was.

"So, the owner is talking to the dog," Hange explained.

"Uh huh," Levi said.

"And they're saying 'I love you' to it."

"Mm."

"And then the dog answers back, and it's saying something like 'owwuowwowwow' to them."

"Okay."

"And it's so cute because it sounds like it's saying 'I love you' back at them!"

"..."

"Anyway, it's an awesome video, I'll send you a link on Facebook."

Levi glared at Hange. "I don't use Facebook."

"Wha – seriously?!" Hange yelled. "But then you haven't seen all the amazing experiments we did on Albert and Chikachironi! Look, look, I took a picture of the stuff that came out when we cut out their-"

"Hange."

"What?"

"That's gross."

"Oh..."

"Besides, Oluo tried to show me that stupid video already," Levi said as he went back to grooming his horse.

"Oh? Well what did you think of it?"

"I think I asked him if he'd finished cleaning the kitchen. He said he had. And then I went to check."

"...and?" Hange asked.

Levi turned to Hange dramatically. "He hadn't."

"You really can tell stories, little guy!" Hange said cheerfully. "We just need to get you socializing more!"

"Tch."

"Well, why not?"

"Because," Levi said, "dealing with people is like constipation."

"Whuh?"

"It's like pushing out a really big dump that just won't come out," Levi continued calmly. "It's a lot of effort and pain and struggle... and in the end, all you get is shit."

Hange wasn't going to argue with that flawless metaphor, so the two continued to groom their horses quietly, Levi's horse looking so shiny that you could use its rear as a mirror.

"I know it's hard to believe in stuff like that, considering the reality we live in," Hange said, "but bonds really can be important. But I guess you made your choice... let's just hope you don't end up regretting it."

Levi glared again. "Was that supposed to be funny, four-eyes?!"

"Huh? What did I say?"

"Whatever."

Back to grooming. Eventually, Levi seemed satisfied with his work and started putting away his stuff. This was the last chance for some meaningful discussion Hange had before Levi would go do... whatever it was that he did on his off-time.

Probably clean, Hange thought.

"Hey, Levi?" Hange said carefully.

No response.

"Levi?"

Still nothing from the Captain.

"Leee-viii~? Little guy? Rivaille? Heichou? Levi?"

"...what?"

"Owwuowwowwow!"

Levi glared at Hange, then walked away.

"Fucking shitty four-eyes..." he muttered.

A/N: Yeah, it's short and silly, but I might make more of short stuff like this if people appreciate it. Apologies if stuff like this has been done to death, it was a bit of a spur-of-a-moment thing. Some credit for the joke about that video goes to LittleKuriboh and his Naruto Spoof Movie. Hopefully the casual swearing doesn't mean I have to rank the rating up to 'M' - but Levi just doesn't seem authentic enough without some foul language.

This may grow beyond a one-shot if people like it. Hange and Levi being best buddies is always fun to explore. And if I have time from my other fics. Hope you're all doing well!