by Kerianne H.
Note: Lyrics are from "Long Way Home" by Maia Sharp. Yes, I know I said I'd never write a depressing A/K fic. I lied.
* * * * *
It began beautifully, as most things do. All she'd ever dreamed of and more.
But after, lying there in the darkness, the rumpled sheets clinging to her damp skin, she began to feel the first prickles of something like doubt creeping up her spine.
Maybe it was just her imagination. After all, she wasn't used to this. And she hadn't dreamed that it would happen, not in a million years. No matter how strong the attraction between them grew, no matter how strong her love for him, before that night she had known without a doubt that nothing would ever come of it. His hands touching her, his lips kissing her, his body against hers-- those things would have to remain safe within her imagination.
She had wanted it that way. She had realized a long time ago that her dreams had to come secondary to the needs of the people she loved. What good would it do to own him if he didn't want to be hers? If she knew that his heart would always belong to them, to the peaceful, happy, secure, respectable life that was the opposite of anything she could give him?
And so, she had been happy, or something resembling it. Happy to watch him smile, even knowing that she could never make him smile that way.
But now... this. And this changed everything.
She turned her head and observed his profile, outlined against the pillow, highlighted by the faint moonlight that filtered into her small room. He was... so close. It was strange. Even in the dim light, she could see every detail of his face-- the slightly rough texture of his skin, his eyelashes lying flat against his cheekbones, the messy light brown hair that tumbled over his forehead.
She studied him for a few minutes, wondering why he suddenly looked like a stranger to her. True, she had never seen him without his glasses; but still, it seemed odd that he should seem so unfamiliar to her now, when she knew him more intimately than she had ever dreamed.
Was he asleep? His breathing was even and slow, and his eyelashes didn't flutter, but somehow she felt as if he couldn't possibly have fallen asleep so quickly. How could anyone sleep when their world had just been picked up and shaken like a snowglobe?
She shifted, stretching, feeling the pleasant ache that had settled into her muscles. Then, after a moment's hesitation, she rolled over closer to him, pressing their bodies together.
He didn't respond.
She swallowed. "Aoki-san?" Her voice sounded strange to her ears, raspy and hoarse and altogether too timid.
"Mm?" he murmured, in a voice thick with exhaustion. So he had been asleep-- or perhaps just beginning to fall asleep. She decided it didn't matter.
She was silent for a moment. What did she want to say? What was there to say?
When she finally did speak, she surprised even herself. "Are... are you sorry?"
//the answer took some searching for
but you think you understand//
He flinched. She could feel it, a shudder washing over his entire body. "A-am I sorry about what?" He sounded alert now, awake.
"This... us... tonight." She felt as if a fog had settled over her brain, preventing her from constructing meaningful sentences, preventing her from saying what she wanted and needed to say.
"Oh. Oh... no. No." To accent his point, he stretched an arm out from beneath the messy sheets and put it awkwardly around her shoulders. "Not at all," he said again.
"Oh. Okay," she responded dumbly. So stilted... so meaningless. What had happened to the deep understanding between them? They were both tired, she reasoned with herself. Exhaustion made everything murky and nonsensical. Things would be better in the morning.
//with the lights still off
our clothes still on the floor
and your head in your hands//
She stared up at the ceiling, a thousand words coming to life in her mind and dying just before they reached her tongue. What was left to say? Words were useless, but silence was worse. Yes, it would certainly be best to just sleep, but her mind wouldn't stop racing, and her heartbeat had only slowed a little.
He sighed softly, and ran his free hand through his hair. She'd never heard him sigh like that before, and again she had the dizzying feeling that the man beside her was not the man she had known for so long. Her breathing quickened, and she knew he could hear her, gasping for breath as if she was drowning.
"Karen-san?" His hand brushed her cheek. "You okay?"
No. No, I'm not. Don't ever say my name like that again, like you don't know me. I'm still here. I'm still me. Are you still you?
"Yes. I'm fine." The words came from a part of herself she never dreamed she'd have to use with him. The sound of her own voice sickened her-- it was a voice her customers knew well.
"You sure?" His fingers stroked her face, and she closed her eyes, feeling her heart finally begin to slow. She found that if she lay very still, and if she kept her eyes shut, she could pretend that everything was fine.
But she was going to have to move eventually, and the darkness would still be there when she opened her eyes again.
"Yeah."
He hesitated, then began to speak again. "Listen, Karen-san... I know... I know things are going to be strange for a while... but... I think we'll be able to work it out. Together."
How? she wondered, trying to fight off the hopelessness that was beginning to take over her place of blissfully ignorant peace. Go back to being friends? You know we can't. Keep carrying on like this? No, not an honest man like you.
But she said none of this. Instead she said, "Yeah. Together," in that flat voice that she wished she never had to use.
"You don't believe me." He sighed again. "Listen, I... I'll leave her."
//you say she's holding you back
bringing you down
you're all out of reasons to stick around
it's time to think of yourself
in spite of her tears
and break your vow of so many years//
Her chest tightened in shock, and for the first time a ray of hope broke through the clouds in her mind. Yes. He'd leave her, that's it, that's all it would take. Just a simple goodbye and they'd both be free to start a new life together, and she'd finally have all she'd ever wanted. Just the two of them. Together.
Then reality crashed down so hard that it was almost physically painful, and she heard the hesitation in his voice, felt his restless movements, and said a mental farewell to the last scraps of idealism lingering in her mind. Life wasn't a romantic comedy, or a fairy tale. And just as fundamentally as she knew her own name, she knew that he would never leave his family behind.
"You don't have to," she said softly, and played with the edge of the sheet covering her body. "It wouldn't be right." She knew how empty that protest sounded; what was right anymore? In a world where the honest, perfect family man was lying in bed beside a woman who was not his wife, a world where she had the only thing she'd ever truly wanted but still felt the same emptiness inside... in that world, right and wrong could hardly apply.
"I don't love her anymore."
He was lying, she knew that. Somehow she couldn't find it in her heart to judge him, though, even though she'd never expected him to lie to her. He was an honest and good man, but he was also human, and sometimes those two traits couldn't reconcile.
"Don't..." She trailed off, not really sure how she was going to finish the sentence. "I mean... you can't know for sure, not after one night. You have to go to her."
"I will. I'll go see her tomorrow morning and I'll tell her it's over." He was caught up in the scenario in his mind now, his fantasy that one brief conversation could possibly wrap up nine years of devotion and love. Fooling himself into thinking it was what he wanted. "It's not just tonight. Karen-san... I've loved you for a long time. I just couldn't admit it to myself."
You still can't. You still won't. She smiled for no reason, twisting the sheet around her finger. "I know how important your family is to you. Whatever you feel for me... it's not the same."
//well don't get me wrong
I like what I hear
and even if it's true
I have to ask
'cause I wanna be absolutely clear
just what am I to you//
He found her arm in the darkness and squeezed it. "You're right. It's not the same. It's better... it's stronger, it's more intense than anything I've ever felt before. I can't ignore it anymore."
But it wasn't enough. Whatever it was, it would never, ever be enough.
"If... if you don't feel the same for me..." He drew a breath slowly, sounding suddenly meek. "... then I understand."
She closed her eyes, feeling a lump suddenly form in her throat. How could he ask a question like that, after she'd given herself to him so completely? She wondered momentarily if he knew that that night had been the first time she'd ever wanted a man to touch her, to make love to her; that it had been the first time she'd ever gotten any true pleasure from the act.
She decided it didn't really matter.
"Yeah, I do," she said, betraying none of the strong emotion she was feeling. Ironic that it sounded as if she was lying, yet she had never uttered truer words in her life. "Of course I do. I don't want you to be unhappy, though."
//oh I'm your light in the dark
your breath of fresh air
the love of your life
the answer to all your prayers//
"How could I be unhappy if I had you by my side?" He put both arms around her waist, pulling her back against him. The gesture, combined with the sweet words, was nearly enough to break her heart. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough.
"You need your family," she said, trying hard not to let her voice waver. "You've spent years doing nothing but loving them, trying to protect them, and now you want to throw all that away because you found out I'm good in bed?" She laughed, painfully.
"No-- how could you think that? Oh, Karen-san... no..." He pressed his lips to hers, kissing her over and over, trying to break through the wall that had suddenly come up between them. "I love you. Can't you see that? I love you."
She'd never heard sadder words in her life.
"All right," she said, even though it wasn't.
"Tomorrow," he said, holding her tightly, pressing her face into his shoulder in an embrace that was so protective that it was almost stifling. He stroked her hair, murmuring peaceful deceptions into her ear. "It'll be all right. I promise. I'll fix everything."
"I believe you," she said, even though she didn't.
"Go to sleep," he said. "Just sleep."
"Okay," she said. But she didn't, not for a very long time.
//no... I am just your long way home
I know it, you'll know it soon
I am just your long way home
you're welcome//
* * * * *
She awoke all at once the next morning, her eyes fluttering open to see him leaning over her. He was already cleaned up and dressed; his clothes were just a little rumpled from lying in a heap on the floor all night, but other than that he looked exactly as he always did. The very picture of a successful office worker, a respectable family man, a good father. Today his eyes were a little too sad for that, though.
A strange expression overtook his features as he noticed that she was awake, and it occurred to her that he had probably wanted to slip out while she was still asleep. She gave him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Sorry for making this harder for you, Aoki-san.
He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Good morning."
She sat up, gathering the sheets around her still-naked body. She wasn't sure why she felt this sudden need to cover herself, when he'd seen every inch of her the night before, but something like shame prompted her to pull the thin white sheet up to her chin. "Morning."
He hesitated, swallowing. "I... made some coffee. I left some for you on the table... and some toast, but it's probably cold now. I... I'd better get going. I want to catch her before she leaves to take Yuka-chan to school."
"Yeah," she said. "That'd be best."
"Then..." His eyes flicked toward the ground, then back to her face, hopefully. "Then I'll see you soon?"
"Whenever you want to. You know where to find me." She wanted to scream. This banal conversation was not expressing even half of what she knew they needed to say to each other. She wondered if he felt like she did, emotions and frustrations bubbling just below the surface, finding no better outlet to be released than small talk about meeting times and breakfast food. Was this all there was between them, after the fireworks stopped?
He nodded twice, quickly, and turned to leave. He took three steps, stopped, turned around, walked back, and pulled her into his arms for one last demanding kiss. She was a bit startled, but responded by embracing him tightly, clinging to him. She tried to memorize the taste of his mouth and the contours of his face, the softness of his hair and the firmness of his body, but the kiss was over too soon, and she was left gazing at him and wondering why she felt as if she was seeing him for the last time.
"Aoki-san," she said, not recognizing her own voice. "Are you sure about this?"
"Oh... oh, absolutely," he said, barely meeting her eyes. "It's what I have to do, you know?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I know." She sighed, rubbing the back of her hand against her lips, missing the pressure of his kiss already. "Goodbye, Aoki-san."
He laughed nervously. "Goodbye? No, Karen-san, that's too permanent. How about... see you later? Or better, see you soon." He nodded confidently.
She smiled at him, a heartbreakingly sad smile, and murmured, "Soon. Definitely."
It was only after she heard the door click shut behind him, after those few seconds of agonizing silence when you expect to hear the door creak open again, that she allowed herself to sink back against the bed, clutching the sheet to her body. She stared at the ceiling, shell-shocked.
He was gone.
//that morning the day had finally come
for somebody to lose
you kissed me hard and walked out of my door
to give her the bad news//
No, only for a little while, she told herself. Only as long as it took for him to explain the new circumstances to his wife. He'd be back that night, probably... or maybe he'd want to spend that night alone, to think things over. The next day, then. They'd meet the next day for lunch, probably... certainly dinner. And if not then, she knew she'd see him by the end of the week. No doubt about it.
She rolled over and pressed her face into the pillow he'd occupied the night before. It was still a little warm, and it still smelled like his cologne, or his shampoo, some sweet, musky smell that was all his. It made her heart ache, and she knew it always would. Even after the scent had faded, after the sheets had been washed again and again, that side of the bed would always be his and his alone.
She nearly fell asleep like that, surrounding herself with him, pretending it was his arms that were keeping her warm rather than the blankets and the faint heat left from his body. It was pathetic, she knew; it was something heroines in romance novels did when their loves were away, while they pined and grew faint and pale and sickly. But at that moment it was all she had.
She wondered if Shimako ever did this, on the long nights when he worked late and stayed in hotels or with friends, and she had to get to sleep alone. She wondered if his wife's heart ached when he wasn't there, if she felt his absence like a tangible thing, making the air heavy and the colors not quite as bright as before.
Of course. Shimako had to. They were in love, weren't they?
She rolled back over onto her back, wondering what Shimako would do when she heard the news. Would she cry? Get angry? Or stay calm and stoic, breaking down only after he had left? And how would he tell her? Would he break it to her gently, or come right out and say it? Would he make up an excuse or tell the truth?
She thought about it, and the more she thought about it, the more she felt she had to know. Before she knew it, she was pulling on her clothes quickly and running outside. He had to be way ahead of her now, but if she drove there, she'd probably make it in time to see the crucial moment.
//but I followed you there
like the sick fuck I am
to see what she'd do when you said goodbye again//
She only stopped to consider what she was doing once she was out on the road, making her way through the busy streets toward his house. It was ridiculous, she knew that, and he'd probably get angry if he found out about it. It was none of her business, after all. What's more, she probably didn't really want to see it happen. She knew it would make her feel terrible to see how much the woman was suffering, all because of her.
All the same, she needed to see, and so she drove on.
She pulled up a few feet away from his house, keeping an inconspicuous distance, just as he began to walk up the pathway to the door. He stopped on the doorstep, and hesitated.
She watched silently through the car window as he wavered, lifting his hand to knock, then dropping it to his side again, then lifting it again. In any other circumstances it would have been amusing.
Finally he took a deep breath and knocked on the door three times. She was holding her breath, and she was sure that he was holding his, too.
The door opened, and she squinted, trying to see the woman behind him. Then he stepped out of the way a little, and the woman's figure became clear, accented by the light from the doorway. Shimako was everything she was not; she had long, flowing black hair, an innocent, wholesome face, and a tiny, fragile build. Everything about her was delicate; she looked like the sort of woman who needed protection.
//but she opened the door
and opened her arms//
Unknowing of Karen's eyes studying her from the car, Shimako smiled sweetly up at her husband. Karen saw her lips begin to move, and though she couldn't tell what the other woman was saying, she could imagine it perfectly in her mind. Darling, it's so good to see you! I thought you wouldn't be able to stop by until later this week... Her face glowing with happiness and love, she put her arms around him in a hug.
Time froze. Karen wanted so badly to look away, to stop what she had started, but it was too late now. It was all on his shoulders.
He was frozen as well. She could see even from a distance that his muscles were tense, that he was fighting an internal battle with himself. This was the moment of truth-- the beginning of a new life, or a chance to save the old one. Which was it going to be?
He relaxed suddenly, and Karen swallowed, feeling her heart pounding in her chest. He bent his head and said something, softly, to the woman who was still holding onto him.
And Shimako responded with a glowing smile and words that Karen could recognize even from her position.
I love you too...
//and you fell into them like a baby...
and there from my car
I became your long way home
I knew it, you know it now
I was just your long way home//
She closed her eyes as the woman led him inside, and when she opened her eyes again they were both gone. For several minutes she sat still, her hands resting helplessly on the steering wheel, hearing nothing but the sound of her own ragged breathing. But seeing those words, over and over again.
I love you too.
She had known all along, hadn't she?
She lifted a hand, weakly, and ran it through her hair. So this was how it ended, alone in a car parked outside of the house where the only man she'd ever loved lived with his beautiful wife. In the end, what had she been? Maybe a mistake, maybe an indiscretion... or maybe a shining moment of happiness amid the doldrums of everyday life. Maybe when he said he loved her, it had been true. She guessed she would never know.
But more likely, she felt that she had been a means to an end. A moment's wandering off the path of righteousness, serving only to help him find it again. Through her, he had perhaps come to appreciate what he had, to reinforce his faith in the stability of the life he loved.
It couldn't have been any other way, could it?
Her fingers rose and brushed her lips, gently, like an afterthought.
Then she turned on the car and drove home.
//you're welcome...//
the end