Disclaimers : I don't own Rizzoli & Isles *sigh*
AN : Set somewhere in season 1, I gave up on the show a long time ago but I still like season 1 atmosphere. A huge thanks to herb-walsh who beat-read this fanfic ! ;)
The pounding sound of blood in her ears made the oblivious state induced by sleep instantly fade away. Her heart started to thump loudly and made her eyes open. Her breath went short, her mouth went dry.
Her first thought was of Jane. Her second one wondered why.
Secrets eat you alive.
The answer had surfaced immediately. After all, it was part of her morning routine now.
If Maura ever happened to have a secret, she never had anyone to share it with. Now she had both. To bad that secret had to be kept from that someone.
Maura had only been up for two hours now, yet it seemed like a lifetime.
Another daily habit.
Worrying while showering, "Jane might find out." Worrying while eating, "Jane might…go berserk, is that it?" Worrying while getting dressed, "Jane might feel betrayed." Worrying while driving, "Jane might hate me." Worrying while entering her office, "This might be the last time."
Strange how things that make you hold onto life are also the things that threaten to tear you apart.
Some days would have her more vulnerable than others. This was one of those days.
Jane's voice echoed through the room, filling it for Maura with an improbable mix of angst and hope.
« Finally! » She seemed either amused or mad, Maura had always found it hard to read people.
« You won't believe what… » Jane's voice trailed off as she noticed the strange expression on her friend's face.
« What's going on Maura? Are you okay? »
« I feel a bit off, but otherwise I'm fine, thanks. »
Trying to protect someone you care for shouldn't be viewed as lying, yet her mind seemed to see no difference. Her neck turned red, her cheeks flushed, and every part of her face started to burn.
« It's a bit hot in here today, isn't it? » Maura tried desperately to engage in small talk… Something she was never good at. And Jane knew it.
« We're in the dead people fridge, Maur. »
Indeed. Making her last answer a real lie.
Maura knew what was coming before it happened. Blood left her extremities, her vision blurred, and her breath shortened. As her heart raced, she reached out for support.
But instead of the cold touch of iron and the hardness of furniture, instead of the fall that would inevitably follow the contact of her sweating hand on the steel, she found balance. Balance, warmth, and softness.
Of course she would find Jane, her arms draped around her friend and concern all over her face.
« And this answers my question. Come here. »
Maura couldn't retrieve herself from the embrace, she didn't want to.
Actually, she didn't mind dying here.
Here and there.
And it hit her only now that waiting for death to end her pain meant that, well, she couldn't take anymore.
« Jane… »
«Shh, it's okay. I'm here, I've got you.»
And Maura wanted to believe her.
It was one of those moments; the fear mingled with the prospect of relief, excitement that threatened to make you burst into inappropriate laughter, palpable freedom that threatened to make you burst into unstoppable tears.
One second she would believe that nothing could go wrong and that everything would fall into place. The other she would realize that, in fact, everything could go wrong.
If there was the slightest chance Jane and her… Anyway, her awkwardness would ruin that.
Being awkward seemed to be trending right now. People claimed they were odd, wanted others to know about their quirk, show their weirdness off.
Maura should have been relieved to live in this era, but she wasn't.
Of course when it was just the two of them, her awkwardness would make Jane laugh that deep, hoarse laugh of hers. But in front of people, Maura had noticed (it was hard not to anyway) that it would embarrass her friend. Jane would have to apologize for whatever strange behavior/word she would have cluelessly adopted and then would have to cope with the consequences in case making a quick exit wasn't an option.
And then she realized.
It wasn't fair, not for Jane. She shouldn't learn about these unrequited feelings in a situation where she already felt the need to take care of Maura. She would feel compelled to do even more. She couldn't truly express herself fearing to be rude.
So Maura slowed her breath, waited for her body to regain composure and extracted herself from Jane.
« I'm sorry for what I'm about to say… Well, not actually sorry for finally saying it out loud, but about how it's going to make you feel, about how it's going to affect us. »
Maura was pretty much proud of herself for that preamble; she had avoided any awkwardness so far.
But of course, things couldn't go that smoothly, and the sudden ding of the elevator made her panic again.
The moment was coming to an end, and Maura hadn't had enough time.
She couldn't go back to the living hell of anxiety and she couldn't let her words hang fire until the next opportunity presented itself.
« I really want you to experiment in a lesbian relationship with me. »
Boom.
Here she goes, awkward. Again.
Frost chose to enter the room at this peculiar moment.
« Hey guys, it turns out the… »
« Get. Out. » was all Jane managed to say.
Frost held his hands up in surrender and went back to where he came from. They waited until he reached the elevator, an obvious grin on his face, mumbling something about interrupting.
It was Jane's turn to redden. She faced Maura unsure of what she meant.
« Maura…What did you say? »
Maura found herself oddly calm. She would even dare to say serene. She was awkward, so be it. Being awkward meant being herself and if there was one person on this planet with whom she can be herself, it was Jane.
« Would you give a try to a lesbian way of life with me? »
Jane really seemed at a loss so Maura felt the need to explain herself.
« Way of life as in…»
« Talking, laughing, loving… Yeah I know that song too, Maur. »
Jane became even more red if that was possible.
Maura beamed. « Do you? »
Jane ignored the last question and went on through gritted teeth.
« What I don't get is why me? Did you think I'd make a great subject of study? That I'd fit whatever stupid criteria you thought of? »
Her voice rose and Maura could see this was definitely not going in any of the directions she had in mind. And Jane wasn't finished yet.
« Why? Is it because I don't care about dresses? Or maybe because I'm a cop? »
« These are merely clichés, Jane. »
But this didn't seem to calm Jane down, nor to erase the upset look she had on her face.
« I don't think of you as a lesbian, Jane. I think of you. Period. A lot. » Maura took a deep breath, these sentences, although less elaborated than the ones she used in the first place, seemed to have a lot more to them.
« I've always wanted our friendship to be based on trust and honesty, so I felt the need to share my feelings with you. I told you I was sorry about the consequences. But I had to. I couldn't have lived with myself otherwise. »
Jane seemed to be less tense at the end of her speech, although she was fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. A few seconds later, she asked:
« So… now what? «
« Now you answer my question, Jane. Simple as Pi. »
Jane finally looked up half amused and half exasperated.
« Pie Maura, it's as simple as pie. »
Maura arched an eyebrow clearly not seeing how baking a pie would be easier than remembering Pi, bakery implied so many variables.
« And er… » Jane looked down again, « ...are you? » She gathered the courage to look up one more time, embarrassment adorning her features.
Eyebrow arching again. Smiling.
« Am I a lesbian? Well, I might be, but the only thing I'm certain of actually being is awkward. »
Jane seemed to consider something. Then slowly and with uncertainty she reached for Maura's chin and tilted it.
She quickly put a kiss on her nose and said :
« Then let's be awkward together. »