Why? Why, why, why?
Maribel had been asking herself the same question hundreds, thousands, of times within the past few days. And the answer was always the same.
I killed her.
Well, not literally, but she might as well have. Everyone else kept telling her she'd had nothing to do with it, but that was a lie.
It was all my fault.
If Maribel just hadn't been sick that day, or made up an excuse, or told her to just stay home and claim she would be fine. Anything. But she had felt awful and wanted her friend by her side, even if it wouldn't have changed her condition in the slightest. Maribel had killed her.
"Hang tight, Mery, I'll be with you in five minutes." Those had been her last words to Maribel, and possibly her last words period, she never made it to Maribel's flat. Instead, at exactly 15:38 local time she was struck by a car running a red light.
Renko Usami died of a massive subdural hematoma minutes later on the way to the hospital.
Why?
Maribel had been a little worried when Renko didn't show up, even considering her habitual lateness – which in itself had always struck her as odd for someone who could innately tell the time –, Maribel had been slightly worried, especially when Renko's phone just went straight to voicemail. But at that point she had been drowsy from both fever and her medication, so in the end she had simply assumed Renko had let her phone run dry again, and something important had come up to distract her.
So she had just slept through most of the day and half of the next, awaking around noon, almost completely fit again. Only a short while later the police had been at her door.
"Maribel Hearn?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know a woman named Usami Renko?"
"Yes."
"I- We're sorry, but your friend was struck by a car yesterday and died on the way to the hospital."
"W-what..."
"Miss, I'm sorry, but we need you to answer us a few questions and-"
Maribel had taken several seconds to process what the officer had told her, and afterwards had just barely been composed enough to close the door on him and return to her bedroom before simply breaking down, dropping onto her knees crying as the full gravity of the event washed over her.
Renko...
Spirited, cheerful Renko was dead. She'd never again be late to their meetings with that sheepish grin and 'Sorry, I forgot the time'. Never again cheer Maribel up when she was having a bad day. Never again drag Maribel along to social outings despite her claims she wasn't a people person. Never again disagree with Maribel's spirituality against her own more rationalist view. Never again smile that bright smile she seemed to show more around Maribel than anyone else. Never again...
Why?
These kinds of things weren't supposed to happen just like that. For Renko to just randomly get hit by a random car and then just die in the ambulance.
Why? Why, why, why, why, Why?
Of all the 9 billion people in the world, why her? It was just unfair. How could God allow things like this to happen?
But it wouldn't be right to blame God either. Nor the speeding driver.
My fault, no one else's.
Maribel had been the one who caught a fever and after skipping university for the day asked Renko to keep her company for a while.
If she hadn't, Renko wouldn't have come to visit her, and wouldn't have been hit by that car. She'd still be alive.
God, why?
My fault.
Since then Maribel skipped all her lectures, and she hadn't even slept or eaten, or really done anything but seclude herself to her darkened room with the lights out and the curtains closed.
She probably should be grieving, and crying and wailing, and she had, but by now Maribel had run out of tears,she just didn't have the strength to even cry anymore, nor the will. And she hated herself for it. In the back of her mind, a small part of her kept telling her she shouldn't be doing this and pull herself together, and this wasn't what Renko would have wanted her to do, but Maribel just didn't give a fuck. Without Renko, what point was there to anything?
The police had returned the next day and asked her a few pretty standard questions before filing the case as an accidental death in a hit-and-run, and with that were done with it.
Usami-hakase, Renko's father, had also called Maribel, the funeral would be held tomorrow, in Tokyo. He had finished by saying he was grieving just as much as she did, but also that Renko wouldn't have wanted for her to 'shut down' and give in to despair.
But that was an utter lie! Renko wouldn't have wanted to die in the first place. And also her father did not at all feel the same. He still had his wife, and friends and colleagues and whomever else.
Maribel had no one. Ever since moving to Japan five years ago, she had barely talked with her parents, nor any other relatives. And she wasn't about to now. For all she knew, Maribel was alone, Renko had been the only one she had looked forward to seeing, who had been there for her.
So, why?
Most of her life Maribel had been taught about an almighty, benevolent God who wanted good for all mankind and loved even the sinners. So where was He now? How could any such God let something like that happen and take the one person that meant anything to Maribel away from her?
Knowing Renko, she would have cited this as just more evidence Maribel's 'capital-G god' didn't exist. This realization brought about a split second of a mirthless chuckle. Even in death, through her death, Renko was still making a point. Typical.
Apparently she did still have some tears left, Maribel noticed, as her eyes welled up once more and started running down her cheeks. She just wiped them away with her sleeve, but only really succeeded in spreading her tears evenly across her face.
Maribel hadn't looked in the mirror, but she could tell there were dark circles under her eyes, which probably were all red too, and combined with the rest of her, right now she most definitely wasn't looking all too good, her exterior still not nearly reflecting the pain and emptiness inside.
But it wasn't like it mattered. Nothing mattered anymore.
Why?
Why Renko? This just wasn't fair. Renko had had other friends, and a family she got along with.
It should have been me instead.
Maribel knew Renko would slap her for this thought, but it didn't make any difference. All she had left now were 'could's and 'would be's, empty subjunctives.
Why? Why, why, why?
She kept asking herself the same thing, over and over and over, yet the answer would always be the same.
It's my fault.
I killed her.
My fault.
But despite this, at some point all the days Maribel had spent awake finally took their toll, and, already sitting on her bed, she just fell over, asleep before her head even hit the blanket.
"You know, it really hurts to see you like this, Mery."
That voice... Maribel opened her eyes, to find herself standing in a meadow with several large sakura trees – and a face she'd been certain she'd never see again.
The same hat with the same bow, the same dress, the same brown eyes, the same leather-clad notebook she always carried with her.
"And here I thought you'd never fall asleep." That same smile beaming at her.
"R-Renko!" Maribel burst into tears as she rushed forward to pull her closest and only friend into a hug. "I-I thought- You... I'm sorry!"
As Maribel started sobbing into Renko's shoulder the taller girl just held her, comforting her like she had time and again before, until Maribel calmed down enough to pull back a little and look at Renko. "Why- Where are we?"
"You still haven't figured it out? I'll give you a hint: I'm dead – man, that feels weird saying that – and you're asleep, and I think we've even been in this place before."
Maribel took another look around, noticing how it seemed to be day, yet there was no visible light source in the sky, and after a moment it dawned on her "...The Netherworld."
"Exactly. And I have to admit, seeing the afterlife firsthand like this is... interesting, to say the least. I met an actual shinigami. And a Yama, and the ghost princess who rules this place." That same explorer's spirit and curiosity about everything, undiminished even in death.
Maribel started tearing up again. "Renko, I- I'm so sorry!"
"Hang on, what are you sorry for?" Renko looked confused. "I'm the one who just up and left you, I should be the one-"
How was Renko not getting it? "But all that only happened because I asked you to visit me. If I hadn't-" Maribel broke off as she started crying again.
"Stop it right there." Renko pulled her into another hug "None of this is your fault. I decided to visit you because my friend was sick, that's all there is to it." How could Renko not hold what happened against her at all? Maribel's sobs only intensified as she clung to the taller girl.
"Mery, there's no way I'd ever blame you. So don't you do that either." Renko held Maribel close with one hand, the other trying to dry off her tears. "If you absolutely have to, if anything, blame the driver that hit me. But actually, don't, he's gonna get what's coming to him eventually."
"How so?"
"Hell literally exists, and what that guy did is like an express ticket there." Renko chuckled. "And then he's gonna reincarnate as like a cockroach or something."
"Really?" Maribel asked incredulously, and Renko just shrugged.
"I'm not sure about the cockroach thing, but essentially, yes." Sufficiently sure her friend had calmed down a little bit Renko let go of Maribel and pulled back a bit. "By the way, did they catch him?"
"I don't know, but I don't think so. Did you see the car before..." Maribel trailed off, not sure how to talk about a subject like this, it wasn't like she'd ever thought something like this might even happen.
"Before it hit me? No, everything happened way too fast. But I highly doubt a statement from beyond the grave is gonna be valid in a procedural anyways."
"Guess you're right. Um, did... did it hurt?"
"Dying? Not really, actually. The car hit me, and I think I went flying, but everything just went black, and when I opened my eyes again, I was standing at the bank of a river, and everywhere there were higanbana blooming." Maribel briefly shuddered at the mention of spider lilies; she'd always hated those flowers.
"And there was this shinigami," Renko continued almost excitedly "who ferried me over the river, and I think you would have liked her, she was super nice and cheerful, even if I think she was overdoing it a bit with her cleavage, and-" She cut herself off. "But that doesn't matter. How are you holding up? I'm incredibly sorry for putting you through this."
"I..." Maribel was at a loss for words. Why was Renko the one apologizing? She hadn't...
Renko lifted Maribel's chin with her hand, forcing her to look directly at her. "Mery, your dream-self reflects the real you, and, frankly, you look awful. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel right now, but I know you, and I can tell right now you're just shutting down." The concern about her friend was clearly reflected in Renko's eyes and she was half pleading Maribel. "So please, please, pull yourself together. You can't just... stop like this."
"But, without you..."
"Without me, there's still you. I may be... gone, but that doesn't mean you should too."
"But what's the point? I'm completely alone, and it's not like anyone would miss me if I-"
"Don't say such stupid things! I swear to whatever god or kami, if you do anything to end up in this place for good, I'm not talking to you anymore. Ever." Now Renko was the one tearing up "And you know I have far more patience than you, so- don't..." She broke off as Maribel was on the verge of tears too and the two girls hugged again, each comforting the other.
"So yeah," Renko said once the both of them had calmed down a bit. "Don't even think about doing anything stupid. And besides, it's not like I'm really- okay, I am really dead, but we can still see each other like this."
"But this is just a dream, isn't it?"
"Yes and no. You're dreaming right now, but why on earth should that make it any less real? I know I'm not a dream, and you... This happened before, when we visited the TORIFUNE, and you got injured." That 'dream' had indeed proven to be very real, and Maribel still had a thin white scar along her lower arm where the chimera had hit her. "For you, 'real' and 'dream' can be the same thing if you want it to. And this feels pretty real, doesn't it?"
Renko took Maribel's hand in her own, squeezing it tightly. "...Yeah, as real as can be."
"See? And with that in mind, I want you to promise me something."
"Hm?"
"Keep going. Even if my body – knowing my parents – is already ash by now-"
"The funeral will be tomorrow, actually."
"Tomorrow, I'm still there, in a way, and we'll still be able to see each other, so don't let your grief consume you like it did the last few days. I want you to move on. Finish university, get a nice job, maybe even form a family somewhere down the line with a nice boy – or girl –, grow old, and so on." Renko's voice was calm and collected, but Maribel knew her long enough to tell she was in fact just as torn as Maribel. She clearly wanted to stay with her friend in the real world, but it also seemed as if she'd accepted the impossibility of it, making do with the best she could get – which right now was making Maribel continue living. "And after all of that," Renko continued "in 80 or 100 years, you can pass over here for good. But until then, promise me you'll keep going even without me."
Renko smiled at her, and for the first time ever since the... accident, so did Maribel. "I promise."
When Maribel awoke the next morning, she was feeling better already, and even though she quickly ended up crying again, this time, beneath the tears was also the faintest remnant of the smile she had been wearing in her dream.
After taking a shower and getting dressed properly, Maribel took the next train to Tokyo, spending the 53 minutes looking out of the window and just watching the countryside speed past.
At the funeral, apart from Renko's family there were also several of her classmates from university present. All of them people whose lives Renko had touched, who were grieving for her. Just like Maribel.
Even though she knew most of them casually at best, the other students still invited her to join them after the ceremony to go party, "because Renko wouldn't want us moping around just for her sake instead of partying our asses off" as one girl, Mina, eloquently put it. And seeing as Renko had almost word-for-word told her the same in their dream, Maribel agreed, after adding the caveat that she wasn't much of a people person, which Mina just shrugged off "Don't worry, people are cool. You'll be fine."
Then she was in front of the casket. Renko looked just like she were sleeping, though Maribel could faintly make out the scrapes on her cheek under the makeup.
"This is not farewell, Mery," Renko had said to her just before she woke up. "it's 'until then'."
Yes. Renko was right. There was no point in blaming herself or letting grief take over her; it wouldn't change the facts. Renko was dead, but Maribel wasn't. So she would do as Renko had told her and do her best to move on.
Maribel let out the breath she hadn't even noticed she was holding, placed the flowers she brought next to Renko and said a prayer.
Until then, Renko. See you in my dream.
This whole story was written on a single evening (okay, night. And far too late into the next morning) over the course of 6 hours after I randomly got inspired by some Youtube video. With thanks to reddit user /u/greatpaperwolf for proofreading and stuff. Also hi, /r/touhou :)
Not much more to say here, I'll leave the story to speak for itself. But I do appreciate any sort of feedback or constructive criticism.