Stand By Me
To say goodbye, and to leave. I recognize his face, and I shine, reveling in this brilliant epiphany. This is the end.
Some people don't understand how two people can be so connected; they share a bond that runs deeper than any romantic love. Completing each other's sentences and sharing one another's thoughts is the least of it. Fred and I had something more rare and exquisite than anything else. There simply aren't words to put to it, and I won't try, because I'll be up all night. This is necessary. One cannot live without the other.
I know you won't understand. You all have a grief and a guilt to struggle with over this one same death, but I have none of that. I harbor only a slightly mad, partially delusional, all consuming longing. Maybe this isn't the right thing to do, but I need to do it. I will never be happy here. Not even with all of you, because I am without him. And if I stay, this insanity will fester, will explode within me, and I will suffer a fate worse than death. Because for now, death is my closest friend. Death is my path to him.
This is not me. This will never be "George". Never without him.
We lived separate from the world of reality, I think. War knocked some sense into us, but we are distanced from those who live that same life every day. Our world was brighter, maybe. I know it was warmer there. Full of color and laughter. But now, this world I used to share with him is cold. There are clouds in my eyes, and I see no color. I see only death, and all the comfort it offers. I feel only a sharp, biting wind that stings my skin. I reside within a fatal, razor hail that blinds my soul.
I insist on happiness. And I insist on belonging. I know you all belong here, with each other, in each other's arms. You know love on this earth, and you know bliss. I belong somewhere else, and I can only hope you will believe me when I tell you this is the only thing left for me.
I belong with Fred. Fred, my brother, Fred, my twin. Fred, with whom I shared a love different that familial bonds, in sharp contrast with any romantic infatuation. It wasn't romance, and it wasn't a sibling bond. We are one. We shall never be two, and we cannot remain apart, this I assure you. It is to split a soul to keep us away.
Perhaps that's the essence of this thing. I never quite figured it out. Maybe we do share a soul. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad. Maybe that's why whenever I look at any picture, or glimpse a name, or really open my eyes at all, I see him. I hear him, and I feel him all around me. And whenever I sense his presence, I feel something poisonous being driven through my heart, right into that fragment of a soul.
That's what I am, without him. Merely a shadow, a shell. No essence, no persona. I am a fragment of a soul.
Can you imagine our reunion? There will be laughter, and celebration, and an eager, burning desire to explore what lies beyond. I promise that we'll wait for you lot. Wherever we are… Whatever comes next… after this life, in that elusive beyond… we'll wait. Just see, we'll plan something big. Some fantastic welcome for the great heroes and heroines - the heartbreaking, nonsensical, insufferable idiots you all are. Because we love you. And I'll miss you all like hell. But this needs to be done. There is nothing real that is left for me here. This is no one's fault. You are better than the best we could have ever hoped for. You are everything. But he is gone. He is gone, and without him, no matter how incredible you are, I myself can be nothing. I'm sorry.
He always stood by me, and I by him. We are one another, simply together. Unspoken, unbreakable, our silent eternal oath binds us. And when he died, I went with him.
And so shall I stand by him, even in death.
Author's Note: I loved him. And I can't even imagine how George must have felt. I truly believe there are no words for it, but I couldn't simply leave it unsaid… not without even trying. I'm sorry for this. I'm really unsure about how it turned out, but again, there are some emotions bigger than words. Most true emotions are, actually. We are just shadows of reality, just as Fred and George together were anillumination of it.
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