Author Note: A quick McHastings one-shot for the holiday. Yes this is a cheating fic, one where Spencer and Paige are written a little darker than usual. But it is mainly an angst one. Proceed with caution if that isn't your cup of Eggnog.
"Did you all get your supplies?" Ezra asked, biting his lip and glancing around at each of us. Toby, Caleb, and I nodded. It was such a stupid but silly idea. But it would probably brighten the girls' spirits, especially Emily. And Emily is the only one I should be thinking about right now. I felt a stab of panic, wondering when I should tell her about California.
"I'm ready to do this because I love Spencer very much…and she also…let's just say she made quite the Christmas gesture towards me yesterday." Toby paused for a minute while Caleb patted his shoulder knowingly. I felt another twist in my stomach at his words, but for an entirely different reason this time. "But…I might need some help pulling off this wardrobe change." He added, nodding towards his cast.
"Don't worry…we'll do what we have to do to make it work." Caleb reassured. With that, we all went into different rooms to change into the Santa boxers.
"And we are. Together." Caleb said, grabbing their attention. I kept focused on Emily, who broke out into a huge grin. But I could see Spencer regard me, a beat too long, before glancing over at Toby and declaring our stunt to be quite the gesture.
After a few beats the four of us said "Merry Christmas" before the girls got up and came toward us. Before Emily could reach me, Spencer came and brushed past me to go up the stairs. When she did, she pretended to lose her balance a little bit on the first step and briefly braced her hands on my stomach. My somewhat visible six-pack clenched in delicious anticipation under her soft but firm touch. It was only an instant. Only one that we noticed as our eyes met for a second or two. But it was there. Because somehow it had always been there under the surface. But soon Emily had her arms around my waist, smiling as she kissed me and whispered "Merry Christmas" against my ear.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I fished it out.
Spencer: I hope you left those boxers on.
I shook my head and dropped it back into my pocket.
"Who was that?" Emily asked while handing me a bag of potatoes to carry to Ezra's prepping station.
"Just one of my aunts wishing me a Merry Christmas." The lie flowed so seamless from my lips. I thought about when I asked Mona when she became what she feared the most. I had asked myself that question quite a few times in the past weeks.
"Having you here is one of the only good things about missing Christmas with my parents." Emily said, wrapping her arms around me again. We closed our eyes for a brief moment, opening them when we heard Spencer fake cough to grab our attention.
"Paige, could you come grab some firewood with me? There's more in the guest house out back." I nodded, pulling away from Emily and following Spencer out. Maybe she really did just need a hand grabbing the wood.
"It's right inside the door in there." She said, pointing as we walked, leaving fresh footprints in the snow. Her voice betrayed nothing but a businesslike desire to get shit done.
"Okay sounds good." I replied, following closely behind her.
She opened the door and we both walked in, the guest house feeling more like a secluded winter cabin. The others were less than 50 feet away from us, but it felt like Spencer and I were the only ones in this quiet winter land.
I started to walk towards the logs, but Spencer shut the door with one hand and grabbed mine with her other hand. I swallowed hard and turned to face her.
"I can't stop feeling this way about you." Spencer whispered, gazing into my eyes as she pulled me against her.
"I know." I said, before leaning in and kissing her softly. But softly wasn't enough, not now. Time we had together was ticking even more rapidly. But I couldn't just let this happen without acknowledging my conflicted feelings. "I had no idea Emily would ever want to get back together with me. When we started…" I trailed off and just kept kissing Spencer. I thought about how Spencer had seen me walking home the night I had told Emily I loved her and wanted her back. She invited me in to comfort me about Emily. That was how it started.
"I know. I couldn't believe it when she mentioned possibly wanting to fix things. But I can't blame her for wanting you for her own." Spencer's voice was hoarse and sad as she spoke those words. She already knew about my impending departure to California. Somehow that made what we were doing right now easier.
"But you are still with Toby…" I said even as I started to unbutton her top, letting my hands coast up and down her bare, creamy skin. She seemed to freeze up a bit at my words, stepping back a little and reluctantly pulling her body away from my eager hands.
"In the past few weeks his house was blown up, he joined the police department, and basically broke his leg to help me. To help all of us." I recognized that her voice was starting to rise in anger. She thought I was accusing her, that I thought she should leave him. Spencer and I weren't optimists. We both knew this…whatever this was would never work. We didn't have to destroy our lives and relationships over something that was misplaced to begin with. That thought made me randomly think about the old Rudolph movie, and land of misfit toys. That's where we were: a place where things went when they weren't wanted but couldn't just be made to disappear. Like whatever was happening between Spencer and me.
"So you tell me at what point was I supposed to explain I was falling in helpless…lust with my best friend's ex?" She pulled away and started to grab her shirt off the ground, but I grabbed her wrist and slammed her hand above her head against the door. Our eyes met for a fierce instant. The anger was turning both of us on. Just like it had when we butted heads on the field hockey team, even though it was never corporeal back then like it was right now. Back then this was an abstract thought we never allowed ourselves to acknowledge. But now it had been made real and there was no going back.
"I didn't mean you should leave him. I know you love him. This could never be a real thing. All we have for each other is pieces." She studied my eyes, her gaze softening before she leaned forward to kiss me again, this time her tongue meeting mine. I could feel how wet I was from her, from these unexpected but passionate encounters.
She slipped her thigh in between my legs, trying to move herself against me.
"Paige please." She gasped. I pulled her up into my arms, her legs wrapping around my hips as I first slammed her against the door and then carried her towards the couch. We were a tangled pile of limbs as I started to move against her.
"God I wanted to slip my hands inside those boxers the minute I saw you on the stairs." Spencer whispered in my ear. She started to slip her hand under my waistband as I moved to take off my sweater, suddenly burning up inside it. The rest of our clothes, our jeans and underwear were just pushed down or to the side in our hurried desire to have one another.
Afterwards, the inevitable rush of euphoria followed by the desire to curl up and cuddle with Spencer (despite the guilt) all hit full-force. But Spencer broke the silent surge of hormones first. She was looking for something in my eyes again as I lay flush on top of her, panting from the exertion.
"Paige…I…"
"I know. Me too." I said, brushing some of her hair back into place with my fingers. I cupped her flushed cheek in my hand. "But we need to get back before a search party is sent." She nodded and we got up and started throwing our tops back on. She gestured towards the pile of wood logs and picked some up herself.
"Don't forget to grab some." She said. She still looked like her mind was going a mile a minute.
"Merry Christmas Paige McCullers." For some reason that was the part that got me right in the gut. My eyes stung with the brief warning of tears before I managed to will them away before they could spill over.
"Merry Christmas Spencer Hastings." My voice was low and riddled with all the things I couldn't say under the words I did say. We both walked back out into the snow, shutting the guest house door behind us and crunching the snow underneath our boots.
Our first and last Christmas together.