The Search for the Perfect Roommate
Chapter One
Naruto lay awake, staring at one of the many damp patches that had manifested on his ceiling. His gaze wandered to his alarm clock, which displayed a garish '4:50'. He sighed and closed his heavy eyes. So far he'd managed a grand total of 20 minutes of shut-eye.
He got more than that during the day.
He tried willing himself to sleep. He tried warming up some of his 'expired' milk, which only led to half an hour on the toilet. He tried eating some ramen… but even his most trusted friend could not bare him the solution to his problems.
The blond sighed. He didn't want to admit the truth to himself, but the fact was that he was down-right bored. He was bored of living the same life day in and day out. Grandma Tsunade hadn't given he nor any of his friends missions for over a month now. With the most recent Chuunin exam baring a multitude of new Konoha Chuunin, all of his missions were being taken up by the newly promoted.
Field experience my ass! Naruto shook his head. Grandma's just scared that we'll all become Jounins too quickly and overtake her. She wants to keep a lead on us for just a little longer.
He was also bored of his apartment. It stank – in more than one sense of the word. The place hadn't been in pristine condition when he was given it… but now… it resembled a slum more than anything else.
Floorboards were broken in two. The door barely hung on its hinges, and it sometimes took Naruto an hour just to get it to lock properly. His roof was damper than a Rain ninja's armpits… and didn't smell much better either. The windows were stuck permanently on 'close mode', and there were holes in the wall which Naruto swore he'd seen rats running in and out of.
Assessing the situation with his limited mental capabilities, Naruto came up with the conclusion that he needed a new place… and fast.
He shifted his head to the right, and laid his eyes on the poor and severely deflated Gama-chan. His novelty wallet didn't seem so amusing when it barely had enough cash in it to afford the normal twenty bowls at Ichiraku. Well, normal for Naruto, anyway.
He wiped his hand down his face. It wasn't fair. Granted, being a natural-born moaner, anything that didn't go his way seemed unfair to the teen, but this time he had a little support to justify his point.
Virtually everyone he knew had their own apartment. All of his friends had managed to afford themselves their own place with the money they, along with their parents, had saved. Heck – even Shikamaru, the last to catch on to any trend, had his own place!
Yet Naruto was stuck in the same run-down hell-hole that was most likely built by Itachi after one too many uses of the Mangekyou Sharingan and a heavy drinking contest with the Fifth. And for Naruto, that description was generous. At least a blind and drunk Itachi would have had the sense to build the house out of something more than cheap and flimsy wood and a little stone. The luxury of brick wasn't too much to ask, was it?
He sat up and looked out of the closed window closest to him. It was dark, but he could still make out the vague outline of Sakura's new place. She and Ino had been the first to move out of their parent's houses. Something about being the most independent and adult…
Troublesome… was the phrase that came to Naruto's mind. However, that very Shikamaru-like phrase brought an idea to the blond's mind.
Man, just thinking like Shikamaru brings me great ideas… His respect for the lazy Chuunin went up a slight notch. Starting from tomorrow, I'll stop being 'Naruto – the modern-day caveman', and become 'Naruto – the most awesome, strongest, coolest, funnest, bestest roommate in all of Konoha!'
His awful grammar was proof enough that the roommate idea was a 'once-in-a-blue-moon' thing. Intelligence and Naruto just didn't mix. If they did, only catastrophes could happen…
Which Naruto's 'great idea' was going to see lots of on its road to fruition.
But, lacking the ability to foresee the future – and think about his decisions for more than a minute – Naruto laid his head down in another attempt to rest. Only this time – he had ambitions of that night being his final inside the only place in Konoha that could make Ibiki shed a tear.
Look out Konoha! Uzumaki Naruto's going roommate hunting!
The Fifth Hokage of Konoha was, as expected, a great leader. She always put the good of the village at the top of her priorities, and under her rule Konoha had continued to flourish.
Yet with all of her successes, there were failures – the largest, and most prominent, being the severe lack of paperwork that was completed on time.
Tsunade hated paperwork. She hated everything and anything to do with paperwork. She even hated the assistant that made sure her pen had enough ink to get through a day of paperwork. If it wasn't for that one person, then she could at least have some sort of excuse to take a day off.
But fate never smiled kindly on those who procrastinated, and, even though Tsunade couldn't care less how fate viewed her, the constant nagging from Shizune coupled with the mysterious disappearance of her secret stash of sake was too much to handle. Because of this, Tsunade was currently in the middle of one of her dreaded 'catch-up sessions'.
Well, not exactly in the middle of it. Judging by the sheer size of the piles of paperwork, she'd be here the whole day before she finished. Request upon request, report upon report, she had her day set out for her – and she'd only been up for an hour!
Oh, today is going to be so much fun… Tsunade winced at the venomous sarcasm present in her thoughts. I swear, the next person to come through that door's gonna be my scapegoat for the entire year. That brought a small smile to the woman's lips. If she enjoyed one thing about being the strongest ninja in the village, it was that she could abuse her comrades – both verbally and physically – and get away with it. At least if the victim didn't report her.
But who would report the Hokage to someone?
As if to answer he prayers, there was a knock on the door. Tsunade cracker her knuckles. Old 'Lefty' and 'Righty' were getting a bit dusty. An innocent Chuunin's face would make for the perfect revitalisation.
"Come in!" she yelled. However, contrary to her thoughts, a frightened ninja didn't stumble through the doorway and fall to his knees. Oh no, in fact it was quite the opposite.
Tsunade covered her ears. One minute the room was silent, save the knock at the door, and the next it was as if the entire population was crammed into her room, having a 'let's see who can shout the loudest to piss off the Hokage' contest. However, although the level of noise equalled that of her suspicions, the voice only belonged to one person.
One person she knew all too well.
The very reason she was sat at her desk, behind the mountain of paperwork.
The number one knucklehead of Konoha: Uzumaki Naruto.
"Hey! Grandma Tsunade! How's it going!?" Had there ever been a need for a human megaphone, this blond idiot could fulfil the role without any training. He was naturally gifted at giving everyone he met a migraine.
"Naruto! Do you have to be so goddamn loud!?" Tsunade took a deep breath to recover from her near-fatal heart attack. She sighed and looked up at the confused teen. "Honestly, sometimes you're worse than Gai and Lee after giving me the run down of one of their 'assignments that only flames of youth such as theirs' could accomplish'." Naruto thought the comparison a bit harsh, but for once he hadn't come here with the intention of starting an argument with the occupant of his future career.
"Grandma, listen." He easily dodged the fist that came hurtling at him from the said 'Grandma'. It looked like 'Lefty' and 'Righty' would have to wait until another time to get their work-out done.
"Make it quick, Naruto." Tsunade growled, cracking her neglected knuckles. "I'm not in the best of moods, and your face is beginning to look more and more like a punching bag…" The threat didn't go un-heeded by the teen, who's prepared speech adopted a sudden summarisation.
"I've decided that, seeing as how everyone else has their own place, I'm gonna move out of my old apartment – if you can still call it that – and ask around to see if anyone's willing to let me be their roommate for a while." Naruto took a deep breath. He'd let all that out in one go, and the severe lack of oxygen in his lungs was testament enough to that fact.
Tsunade cocked an eyebrow, whether in annoyance or surprise was unknown to the blond. Still, no less pissed off than she had been before the blond's interruption, her reply held the same annoyance as it had before.
"Whatever permission you think you need, you've got it." She closed her eyes when the teen began chanting praise in her name. Her method of counting down from ten failed to calm her. It had never worked, but the fact that she tried made her tendency to overreact justifiable… in her mind, anyway.
Naruto quickly fled the room when another one of Tsunade's infamous right hooks came his way. It seemed that no matter how many times she tried, Tsunade couldn't touch the blond idiot anymore. She sighed and sank back down into her chair.
"Maybe it's my age, or maybe it's their skill…" She turned and looked out of the window. "…But my generation's just about ready to be taken over…" Her hand slowly reached under the desk, in hope of finding her hidden bottle of sake. However, when all it found was the remnants of the tape used to hold it there, she cursed and slammed her fist on the table…
…Scattering all the built up piles of paper about her office.
It would forever be remembered in the history of Konoha that, on the fifteenth of March, the day that Naruto began his hunt for a roommate, a terrible killing intent was felt originating from the Hokage's office. Those who survived the Kyuubi's attack cowered in their homes, fearing a similar event had begun.
It was never known that the source of that killing intent was comprised of paperwork, the laws of physics, and one very pissed off, sake deprived woman… known by all as the Fifth Hokage of Konoha – the strongest, wisest, most respected… and most feared person in the whole of the Hidden Leaf Village…
And judging by the intensity of her bloodlust – her reputation was with good reason…
A/N As the summary says, chapters won't be particularly long in this story (well, not as long as the ones in my other story), but I hope you still enjoy them!
I hope my humour is entertaining, so please review and share your opinions. Thankies :)