A/N: This story came into my head not so long ago. I played Left 4 Dead again recently and of course, Nick kept telling Ellis that there was no time for his stories. And then, I thought of that Sweet Brown video. So, I put them together and I came up with the idea of Nick doing a musical number in which he finally admits to Ellis what he thinks about his stories. And thus, this semi-ridiculous fic was born! So, here we have, "Ain't Nobody Got Time For that". Enjoy, my friends.
"I ever tell you 'bout the time…"
That was the one word that irritated the survivors the most when they were not in complete safety. Ellis couldn't pass the opportunity to talk about his buddy Keith whenever he remembered one of his precious friend's moments. Everyone was sick of Ellis losing focus, knowing he would eventually get them or himself killed in the process.
But no one was more dismayed at this every time…
Than Nick.
The Bostonian con man would growl every time Ellis began to tell one of his tall tales. Just hearing that Southern voice talk and talk and talk about bizarre activity with a friend who was almost as reckless as he was, made his blood boil. Hell. He even put the barrel of his gun in his mouth at some point.
Every single time he or another person would tell Ellis to say serious, the young mechanic would always forget what he was being told.
Nick always wondered if hell was any better than this.
Wrong.
Because he was already living in it.
That night in the safehouse, Ellis continued to talk about the misadventures he had with his friend. Unfortunately, that meant that the others couldn't get proper sleep.
Zoey and Rochelle kept drifting in and out of consciousness, only to ultimately be kept awake. Louis stared out the window, trying to find his happy place, which would finally help him get to sleep. As expected, he wasn't able to. Coach tried to get himself into a food coma by eating as much as he could, but he only ended up running to the bathroom after a lethal fart. Francis was tossing and turning. He growled. He put another pillow over his head. But it didn't work. Bill, on the other hand, was muttering something about Ellis being sent to Vietnam.
As for Nick, however, he was NOT a pretty sight.
Why?
Even his bags had bags!
(Camera shows closely detailed picture of Nick's drowsy eyes. Lady screams)
Now, he couldn't hold it any longer. He immediately got up and began growling at the young mechanic. Now, everyone was completely awake. Coach came out of the bathroom.
"Man. Y'all probably don't wanna go in there." he said.
"I can tell. Smells like 'Nam in there." said Bill.
Ellis was staring into Nick's bloodshot eyes, slightly intimidated. Nick's cold, green eyes sent a shiver down his spine.
"Whoa, Nick. Is something wrong?" he asked, oblivious to the con man's anger.
"Yes. Yes, Ellis. There is something wrong." said Nick. "And you wanna know what it is?"
"Sure." said Ellis. "What is it?"
"YOU!" shouted Nick. "You and your goddamn stories! That's what!"
Ellis looked hurt.
"What's wrong with my stories?" he asked.
"You always lose focus! You're never serious! You always talk about bullshit that we don't give a fuck about!"
Ellis began tearing up.
"But Nick." Ellis began. "I-I love telling stories."
Nick bent down over Ellis and stared into his face.
"You wanna know what I really think about your stories, Ellis?" he asked.
"What? That they're complete bullshit like you?" asked Francis, smirking.
"Shut up!" said Nick. "Anyway, Ellis. Let me explain to you what I think about your stories."
He stood up and began to sing.
The instrumental version of Sweet Brown's autotune remix began to play, courtesy of a phone that Zoey brought along. (still unknown how the fuck does a phone work in the apocalypse)
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
And he continued.
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Louis, Zoey, Rochelle and Bill's mouths dropped open.
"Well, Ellis I always meant to tell you. That your bullshit stories make no sense! (make no sense, make no sense) I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story." I would rather kill myself than listen to anymore of your bullshit one more fucking minute!"
Francis laughed, and he popped a handful of Cracker Jack into his mouth.
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Coach let out a fart.
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Coach farted again.
"S'cuse me." he said.
"I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, it's a story."
"I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! I say, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a story."! Jesus, Jesus, Freakin' Christ!"
"Oh Dear Lord." muttered Louis.
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
"Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time for that! Ain't nobody got time, ain't nobody got time! Ain't nobody got time for that!"
And just like that, Nick finished his song.
Everyone was staring at him in shock, except Francis, who was calmly eating Cracker Jack. Two Hunters were lurking outside and eating popcorn while watching the survivors. They hi-fived each other. It was clear that they had enjoyed the show that had promised to be one for the books.
Ellis stared at Nick, dumbfounded.
"Is that how you really feel 'bout my stories, Nick?" he asked.
Nick laughed.
"Of course, you little shit!" said Nick.
Ellis was quiet, then he began to tear up.
"Well fine." he said. "I guess I'll go sit in silence now."
He ran off crying. Zoey and Rochelle went to comfort him. Bill, Coach and Louis shook their heads.
"Wow! That was BRUTAL!" said Francis, still eating Cracker Jack.
"That wasn't very nice of you to sing, boy." said Coach.
"Yeah." said Bill. "Ellis may be annoying, but I wouldn't go that far. You really hurt the kid's feelings."
"I suggest you go and apologize." said Louis. Coach and Bill nodded in agreement.
"Pfft. Who cares?" said Nick. "He'll get over it."
He lay down on the futon.
"Let's get some sleep."
The survivors had spent two nights in the safehouse. After they left, they headed through a highway. Several vehicles were broken down, but some were still working. Francis came across a custom-built West Coast Choppers Dominator, which was surprisingly still in good condition. He chuckled and hotwired it. To his joy, it worked.
"Hell yeah! Hey guys! Check out my bike!" he said.
The other looked at him.
"Sweet Mother of Mercy." muttered Bill.
"Coooooool." muttered Louis and Zoey.
"Damn, son! You got a good one!" said Coach. He gave a thumbs up.
"Hope you have some space for me." said Rochelle, and she giggled.
Nick rolled his eyes and walked off. Then, he stopped. He squealed. Something glorious was in front of him.
It was a silver Lamborghini Centenario.
"Holy shit!" he yelled.
Unfortunately, the car was on a flatbed, so he couldn't get it immediately.
"Damn it." he said.
The others approached. Francis was riding on his new bike.
"Can you guys help me with this?" asked Nick.
"With what?" asked Zoey.
"I need to get this car." said Nick. "But it's on a flatbed."
"Seriously?" asked Coach. "Hell naw. I ain't helping you."
"If you don't help me, you will give me a piggyback ride for the rest of this journey." said Nick.
Coach sighed.
"Fine." he said.
He and Ellis got into the truck and hotwired it. They slowly operated the flatbed, moving it. Before long, the car was moved and finally touched the ground.
"Hell yeah!" said Nick.
Ellis and Coach got out of the truck.
"Well, you got what you wanted." said Bill.
"That is a sweet car." said Zoey.
"Yeah. I wanna take it out for a spin!" said Louis.
"Well, too bad." said Nick. "Cause this car is mine. You can all piss off on your lame bullshit."
"Come on!" said the others.
"We helped you get this car and this is what you say to us?" said Coach.
"Uh. Yeah." said Nick. "As you can see…"
As Nick began talking, Francis played with his knife. However, he accidentally threw it across the flatbed. And what happened next?
The knife cut the winch. Apparently, the knife was incredibly sharp enough to do so.
Nick didn't notice the Lambo roll back behind him. The others did and began warning him.
"Got it? Wait, what the hell are you pointing at?" asked Nick.
"The car!" they warned him.
Nick looked to his left just in time to see his beautiful car roll off the highway into the trees below.
"No! No! NO!" he yelled.
The car crashed onto the ground and flipped several times. Then, it exploded.
"NOOOOOOOOO! WHY?! WHY?!" screamed Nick.
He began pounding his fists on the ground. Then, he began to cry loudly. The other stared at him in disbelief.
However, Ellis rolled his eyes and said.
"Oh quit yer whinin', Nick. It's just a car. Stop actin' like a baby. Ain't nobody got time for that!".
Hope y'all enjoyed and laughed. Reviews would be nice, thank you. Just as long as there are no flames. Until next time.