Summary: Lee and Amanda separate shortly after the marriage.

Timeframe: Several years after the season ended, although there are lots of flashbacks.

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Productions.

This story, however, is mine. Please don't archive it without my permission.

Rating: PG

I'm tempted to say that it was the moment that changed my life, but that seems so prosaic. People love to say that and it just isn't true. I mean that moment was only important or only happened because of a moment that occurred before it and probably wouldn't be important without those that came after it.

Besides, if I was going to name a moment that changed my life it would be the one at the train station nearly fifteen years ago, not the silly moment at the embassy. I mean, if I had never met Amanda, seeing Leslie that night would have been inconsequential. And even if I had met Amanda and seen Leslie that night, if I hadn't run into Dotty… Well, you get the point.

Anyway, the night at the embassy… It was more than six months ago now. I had gone to the American embassy during a party, but the assignment was nothing more than a milk run so I'd gone alone. The only other agent who was free at the time was Amanda and I didn't want to deal with that. So, I wasn't planning to stay – just get the information and leave, but then as I was on my way out she called to me. Her hair was long and past her shoulders and she was wearing a lovely green dress. Strangely enough, I hadn't seen Leslie since the night we broke up years ago. So, some part of me was glad to run into her again.

"How are you, Lee?" she asked, sounding like she really cared what the answer was.

"Good. You?" I asked as I held my hand out to her. She took it and we moved to the dance floor. We made small talk for a few moments as we glided effortlessly around the floor.

Then Leslie reached over and took my left hand in hers, looking at it with a smile on her face. "Married?" she asked.

I didn't know what to say. It had been years since anyone had commented on my wedding ring – people had gotten used to my wearing it, I guess. So, I just nodded.

Leslie's smile widened as she asked, "Amanda?"

I nearly gasped. I'm not sure why I was surprised that she'd guess I was married to Amanda given that part of why we broke up was my accidentally calling her by Amanda's name. Still, it surprised me, so I just nodded again.

"I'm glad," Leslie said softly, placing my hand back on her shoulder. "I know how much you love her, Lee."

I should have corrected her; I'm not even sure why I didn't. I just didn't want to talk about it I guess. Besides, it was true. I am married to Amanda, have been for nearly ten years now. I just didn't bother to mention that Amanda and I barely speak anymore and haven't since just a few months after we got married. Oh, I see her sometimes. Sometimes I'll hear her throaty laugh tripping down the hallways at the Agency, hear the staccato beat of her heels hitting the floor as she walks (I'm amazed, but I can always tell when it's Amanda), or hear her voice as she calls a coworker.

But I walk in the other direction when that happens. I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of seeing her. I know the choice was mine, but I still don't like to deal with it.

"Lee, you need to stop pushing me away," she stated clearly. It wasn't the first time we had argued about this. But it didn't matter how much we argued, my feelings weren't going to change. Amanda had two sons and it would be unfair to them if anything happened to her. I reminded her of this again, but it wasn't effective. She just exploded, "I am a good mother. Don't try to pretend that I'm not just because of this job. You didn't have a problem with it before…"

"You were shot, Amanda!" I cut her off.

"On our honeymoon, Lee. Not on a case. I don't need to have this job to be in danger," she reminded me.

"But you increase the risk so much by doing so. I can't let you do that," I pleaded with her.

"I'm not asking for your permission, Lee. I'm an adult; I don't need you to make these decisions for me. But I'd rather do it with you than without you."

"No!" I exclaimed, certain that if I just argued enough she'd see my point.

When she put in the request for another partner, it was supposed to be temporary. Just to give us a chance to work with other people. She thought the time apart would be good for us, she thought if I saw that she was going to do this either with or without me, I'd relent.

At first, it wasn't so bad. We were a bit of a legend and so several agents wanted to work with both of us. And since Amanda had just recently finished her final tests, she couldn't be partnered with another freshman agent, so she was with agents… well, not that I trusted with Amanda exactly, but at least I felt somewhat safe that she was with agents who were experienced.

Only it didn't take long for things to change. Quickly others began realizing that Amanda hadn't moved up quickly because she was my protégé (as many had assumed) but because she was good at her job. This meant that even more agents were eager to work with her and less with me. I think some of the freshmen thought that working with me was the key to success. But I was a miserable partner – less rude to them than I had been to Amanda in the early days, perhaps, but not all that interested in having anyone else around. And since they now realized it took more than having Scarecrow as a partner to move through the ranks, what was the appeal?

Amanda, on the other hand, was a great partner. While she was less close to her other partners than me, of course, she still had a tendency to bring them baked goods, she was cheerful, and against all Agency training, she stubbornly refused to leave a partner in trouble. It meant people were loyal to her in a way that was uncommon at the Agency.

But whatever Amanda had thought, I stubbornly kept thinking that she'd give up at some point and refuse to keep working if she couldn't work with me. The argument took up all of our private time, until we could no longer be alone anymore.

"This isn't working," she whispered, her voice drained and tear tracks still on her cheeks.

"If you would just…"

"Not that, Lee. I've given up on that. Clearly we can't work together," Amanda sounded defeated, but when she saw my hopeful look, she quickly squashed it. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop working. It just means I'm going to stop pretending that this working with others thing is temporary.

"What I mean is we're not working, Lee. We can't spend any time together without arguing about this. We haven't made love in months. We haven't even managed to go out for dinner. Something needs to give."

I was stubborn and insisted that she was the one who had to give. Amanda sighed and decided that we needed a break. It was probably a good idea. If I had been less stubborn maybe it would have even saved our marriage.

We didn't speak for a month before she came into the Q-Bureau to surprise me. She looked sad when she arrived and I thought she came to tell me she quit. I was sort of right. She told me clearly that she felt like I wanted her to stop being herself and she couldn't be with me while I wanted that. I was stubborn, though. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I thought if she loved me enough, she'd give it up for me.

I was wrong. She said that she wouldn't be happy doing that and if I loved her, I wouldn't ask her to.

We ended the conversation with the idea to stay separated for awhile.

Shortly after that I decided to wear my wedding ring. I know it seems silly, but I missed her when we were separated more than before. Something about it being more official made me feel like she was slipping away. But while some people would have thought this was a good reason to relent, I continued to hold out hope that things would change.

It was silly, I know. Amanda was quickly acquiring a name for herself at the Agency and it was not long before she had a permanent partner. Agent Dobbs was not bad as far as other agents go. He was kind and a good partner. He was happily married and that made him a less risky agent than me, which made me feel better. Of course, strangely enough, without a partner that was always trying to hold her back, Amanda started taking more risks. No one would call her risky, really, but I continued to wish she would play it safer if she was going to insist on continuing this job.

Despite her somewhat riskier behavior, Amanda has only sustained two serious injuries over the years. On both occasions she spent more than a night in the hospital. On the first occasion, she was unconscious for the first night. I spent the night in the hospital with her, holding her hand. But I slipped out in the morning before she awoke. The second time, she was awake except for the time she was in surgery. I spent that evening in the waiting room getting regular updates, but never saw her.

Given my previous track record, I doubt anyone would expect this, but somehow I felt less safe without Amanda watching out for me and so I started playing by the rules more. My partners, who rotated constantly for awhile, were surprised by this – they had expected the old rule breaking Scarecrow. It took two years before I found a somewhat permanent partner, and that was only as Billy insisted and Bill Hendley and I seemed to get along.

I have only needed to spend an evening in the hospital once. Amanda was in England helping MI5 at the time, but she must keep as close tabs on me as I do on her as she knew. She called me the following morning, sounding tearful. We only talked briefly, but she came to see me when she returned.

Hendley looked up when the door to the Q-Bureau opened and seeing Amanda, he got up. "I need a file from the bullpen, I'll be back later, Stetson," he said.

Amanda walked in slowly, cautiously. We had not talked in years aside from small talk when we could not avoid it, or more honestly, when I could not avoid it.

"How are you?" she whispered, her eyes roaming my body, looking for signs of the injury.


"I'm fine," I found myself whispering back, although I was not sure why. "The bullet went right through me and I got to the hospital quickly. I won't even have all that much of a scar," I assured her.

Amanda leaned on the edge of my desk, running her hands lightly over my shoulders. "If something were to happen to you…" her voice was barely audible and she trailed off.

For a moment, I thought she finally understood, she was finally relenting, "That's exactly it, Amanda. That's exactly how I feel about you. It's why I want…"

She cut me off, her voice firm, "But I wouldn't ask you to give this up just because I'm scared of what can happen to you."

"I don't have two sons," I reminded her.

"Actually, you do," Amanda said softly.

It's probably not surprising, given my willingness to start this argument again when it had been two years since we last spoke, but I did not drop it easily now. "That's different, and you know it, Amanda."

"The boys are nearly all grown up," Amanda said, her voice soft again. "Philip is already looking at colleges and Jamie's only a few years behind him."

"Jamie's fourteen!" I insisted. "You can't really…"

Amanda stood up and I could instantly tell she was annoyed, "I don't want to die and don't sound like an idiot by insinuating that I do, Lee! But I won't stop my life for this."

I sighed and Amanda did as well, sitting down on my desk again. "I don't want to fight with you about this anymore."

I looked at her, thinking I did not want to argue anymore either, but not sure how to get the words through my throat.

Amanda picked up my left hand, playing with my fingers, touching the wedding band lightly with her index finger. "We're not going to move past this, Lee," she whispered, "are we?"

I said nothing, not sure what to say.

"I don't think we will," she said, her eyes tearing up slightly. "So, I do think you need to stop wearing the ring." She paused for a moment, before continuing, "But I can't help but hope that I'm wrong, so I can't seem to make myself suggest we make this more formal." She bent down and brushed her lips against mine, before getting up and leaving the room.

I have to assume it's only her job that makes her so busy she hasn't met someone else. There are certainly lots of agents here who would like to take her out, but I know my presence makes that unlikely to ever happen.

So, seeing Leslie again reminded me that I'm still married in a way I haven't really thought about for years. Despite the ring on my finger, the marriage seems fake – like something you do as a kid in kindergarten. That time in my life, that happiness, it belongs to another life, another man.

Still I brushed off the feeling and put the meeting with Leslie from my mind.