Title: Losing It
Author: M & S Shipper
Contact: mulderandscully@start.com.au
Rating: PG
Category: General / Romance
Spoilers: End of Season 8
Disclaimer: Any remotely interesting characters are
not mine. They remain the property of Chris Carter, 1013 and fox.
Summary: Scully is having trouble dealing with
everything and Mulder suggests she see a shrink.
Feedback: Please, please, please, please. I am not
ashamed to beg.
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M
". . . .and apart from all that, I would like
you to go."
There, I'd said it, and I was glad for it to. I
hadn't just blurted it out, I'd given all my reasoning, and basically presented
a solid case. Now all there was to do was wait for her response. One of two
scenarios awaited me. Either she'd be glad I cared about her and think about
things logically or she'd hate me and completely lose it.
"What are you saying Mulder? That I'm
crazy!" Damn it, I knew it wouldn't be that easy, why should it be,
nothing else was. Time to back-pedal, dig myself out of this hole, and fast.
"Of course not! You're a doctor, you should
know that people see shrinks for a whole bunch of reasons. I mean, you said
that you've been to a psychologist before."
"Yes, but that was my decision. I didn't have
someone standing there telling me I was nuts."
"For gods sake Scully, I don't think you're
nuts. I just thought it may help with the way you've been acting lately."
I watched her intently, seeing the anger transform into something else,
understanding.
"Hang on, are you saying you don't trust me
with William." My head fell forward. It was something I'd been avoiding
saying outright, but now I had no other option but to answer truthfully.
"I know you'd never hurt William,
intentionally." There was a long silence, and she just stood there,
looking at me. Finally she pulled herself together and began to speak.
"But unintentionally, you think there's a chance."
She looked horrified , like I'd struck her or something.
It was a horrible insinuation, and I hated saying
it, but she wasn't herself lately and I was worried. Hell, more than worried, I
was scared to death, and today had been the last straw. I came home to find
William alone and screaming. Scully had been nowhere to be found. I was at my
wits end searching for her for hours. That is until 7.30pm, when she casually
strolled in the front door, asking me how my day was. I knew then the choice
had been taken away from me, I had to do something now, for Williams sake.
I chanced a look up to see tears streaming down her
face. My heart ached when I saw her like this.
"Come here." I pulled her into my arms
stroking her hair and rocking her back and forth until she had calmed down.
"Please do it for me, for us."
"Ok." She said very quietly.
Even though I am not a religious man my eyes
unconsciously went upwards in thanks. The breath I had been holding onto since
this conversation began was finally released.
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S
My hands shook as I reached forward for the knob. I
had just been called in for my appointment with Dr Lawson, who had come highly
recommended to me. Come on Dana, one foot in front of the other, do this for
Willaim. I poked my head around the corner and entered cautiously.
"Morning Dana." This woman looked harsh,
great, so much for recommendations.
"Good Morning."
"I'm Doctor Lawson. You look nervous. Don't
worry, it's only your first visit, so I won't be to harsh on you. Do you want
to start by telling me why you decided to come along today."
"My partner thought I needed to."
"Your partner?
"I'm an FBI agent."
"And did you think you needed to?"
"I'm not sure. I've had a lot on my mind
lately."
"Like what?"
"I recently gave birth to a little boy, and I
am starting out in a new relationship, with my partner."
"From the FBI?"
"Yes, it's still very new
though."
"Both of these events
involve a great deal of emotional strength, even though they are both positive,
they can be draining."
"I know this, I'm aware of it. William, my son,
needs feeding every four hours, so I am not exactly getting all the sleep I
need. This is making me more tense during the day than I usually am."
"Is the father playing a part in the childs
life?" I looked up at her sheepishly, she obviously hadn't
put two and two together yet.
"Yes, his father is actually my partner. He's
wonderful, really. I was shocked by that initially, but I have to give him
credit, he does do his fair share of nappy changes. Obviously I'm the one who
gets up for the midnight feedings, but there's no real choice in that matter."
"Is that a problem for you Dana, losing that
control over your life?"
"No, I don't think so, I love being a mother. I
guess I just underestimated the amount of work involved." Pausing I realised
how that must have sounded. "Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be hard work,
but I never realised the toll it would take on me."
"How has it been affecting you?"
"Lately, I've been flying off the handle at things
that I usually wouldn't. I know I'm not myself but I can't seem to control it.
It wasn't until my partner said something that I became really worried." I
paused for a moment, ashamed of what I was about to say. She sensed I was about
to tell her something important, but was just working up the courage to say it,
so she remained silent.
"I. . . . um. . . left William on his own the
other day, I just couldn't handle his crying anymore, so I left, and got as far
away from him as I could" It felt better to tell someone. I was
embarrassed, but glad to have gotten it out.
"That was probably the best thing for you to do
at the time. Even though left him, you never harmed him. Have you considered
that this may be postnatal depression? "
"Yes, as a doctor, I realise this happens to
many women, but I really wanted this child, I was desperate for it."
"Postnatal depression can affect any woman, and
many women do experience it, regardless of whether the baby was planned or
otherwise."
"I guess I didn't want to admit anything was
wrong. I didn't want to appear weak."
"In front of your partner." She looked at
me with a knowing smile.
"Yes." This was phenomenal, she was
basically reading my mind.
"Your relationship with your partner has
changed now from professional to personal and you need to change your thinking
too. As a couple, you need to feel you can open up to each other, and by you
not being able to admit your weaknesses, you are essentially cutting yourself
off. This is all still very new to you, and it will take time to make these
changes, but I want you to be aware of them so you can work on it. Be honest
about your feelings, and don't be afraid to admit weaknesses, we all have them."
"Thank you." It was about all I could get
out. She was reading me like a book and it astonished me.
"The symptoms you've described sound consistent
with postnatal depression, and I'm going to prescribe some medication for you."
"Ok."
"If you don't feel vastly better soon, then I
want you to come back and see me. Otherwise, you might want to make an
appointment in another few months. Sometimes it can help having an outside
perspective, and talk things through with someone who is not directly involved."
"Thank you. I'm feeling better already, getting
things out in the open."
"It was lovely to meet you Dana, I'll see you
next time."
"Bye."
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M
There was a faint jingle of keys coming from the
corridor. That was her, she was back early. Why was I so nervous? I moved
swiftly over to the couch and tried to look casual, picking up a copy of the
nearest magazine, choosing a page at random. Behind me I heard the door open,
and she came in.
"Hey Sweetie." She called me sweetie, that
was a good sign. I got up from the couch and embraced her, long and hard.
"Mulder, it's ok, let me breathe." She
said finally pulling away.
"Sorry" I'd gotten a little carried away
with my protective streak. There was a change in her, and I could instantly
tell this was the Scully I'd been missing over the past few weeks.
"How'd it go?"
"Well, I'm glad I went, I feel less of a
nutcase seeing a shrink than I did before. We had a good talk and I got some
medication." My brow furrowed at this. What was she on medication for? It
sounded serious.
"Medication, what for?" My voice broke
slightly, betraying the emotions I was trying to hold back.
"Hey, don't you flip out on me. She thinks I
have postnatal depression. It's quite common really. The medication she
prescribed should regulate it. Other than that, I just have to work on a few
issues I have with us."
"What's wrong, I thought we were doing
great." I was really panicking now.
"We are, for now, I just need to work on a few
things myself so we'll be ok in the future. I'm glad I went though. Thank you
Mulder, and don't think you'll ever hear this again but, you were right,
completely and utterly right."
"Music to my ears." She laughed at this,
the first laugh I'd heard in a while. It relaxed all her features and made her
eyes twinkle. It was delightful.
"Well, I've bathed and put William to bed. Now
how about I do the same for you."
"Mmm. . . a bath, sounds like heaven."
"I should probably join you, just to make sure
you're ok, of course."
"Oh definitely. Wouldn't have it any other
way." She began to head toward the door of the bathroom.
"So we're going to be ok?" I called out to
her. She turned around calm and full of assurance.
"Yes, we've waited to long to be together for
this to fall apart now."
I grinned back at her, everything was going to be ok
now.
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The end
I know, very cheesy ending, sometimes I just can't
help it.
Please give me feedback, of any kind.
It only takes you one minute to make my whole day.
