TITLE: All I Ever Wanted
DISCLAIMER:Much to my chagrin, I own nothing, so please do not sue me.
SUMMARY: Dean's POV. My extended version of the final scene from 'Red Sky at Morning'. I hope to write a series of 'edited' scenes like this.
WARNINGS: Warnings for strong language and Wincest of the Sam/Dean persuasion. If you don't like wincest, don't read. Angst/Romance, a first kiss and hidden feelings revealed.
FEEDBACK: This is my first story and reviews are fodder to my imagination. No need to play nice, if it sucks, then please do say so. Although I do appreciate any response you are willing to give me, I appreciate civility as well.
"Seriously? Atlantic City?"
"Hell yeah. Play some roulette, always bet on black…" If I was gonna get this all out, I figured I needed to do it before I lost the nerve I never really had for this conversation in the first place. "Hey listen, I've been doin' some thinking and I want you to know why you did it. I understand why you went after the crossroads demon."
Sam didn't say anything, just kept looking at the map and sighed. I took the opportunity to keep going.
"If the situation was reversed I guess I would have done the same thing. I mean I'm not blind, I see what you're going through with this whole deal, me goin' away an' all that. But you're gonna be ok."
"You think so? Sam said quietly.
"Yeah, you'll keep huntin', ya know you'll live your life, you're stronger than me, you are." I replied, and I meant every word of it, for once in my life which has seen more than its fair share of lies, secrets, half truths, and innumerable facades and false identities with all the fake IDs to prove it, I meant every word I said to him. Sam just rolled his eyes in his patented 'that's a load of bullshit' way and cleared his throat. I went on. "You are, you'll get over it. I want you to know I'm sorry…I'm sorry for puttin' you through this, I am…"
"You know what Dean?" Sam burst in with a pissed off and impatient air. "Go screw yourself."
"What?"
"I don't want an apology from you. And by the way I'm a big boy now; I can take care of myself."
"Well excuse me."
"So would you quit worrying about me? I mean that's the whole problem in the first place Dean. I don't want you to worry about me. I want you to worry about yourself. I want you to worry about you." His voice and anger was growing with every word he spat at me. "I want you to give a crap that you're dying!" he shot at me. He shouted the last bit with such force and punctuation that I had no doubt he had got out all he wanted to for the moment.
A revolving door of anger, grief, and feelings that brothers had no right to have towards each other were spinning in my mind, all vying venomously for control. What he'd said felt like he had kicked in the stomach. I looked over at Sam and my heart broke all over again. I'd prefer the kicking to that look any day.
The car felt to small, to confined for the enormity of the conversation. I had to get out. After pulling over to the shoulder I cut the engine and got out of the car. The cold, crisp night air was instantly relieving against my face heated from nerves as I loudly exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. Leaning back against my door as I heard Sam get out of the car and slam the passenger door.
"So that's it? Nothing else to say for you?" He yelled more than asked.
I knew I should say something, anything. I knew he needed an explanation, but the one I had I couldn't give him. He couldn't possibly understand the way I felt about him, the way in which I loved him. After waiting a moment I turned around to look at him and instantly felt like I'd been hit with a ton of bricks when I saw the look on his face. He had tears streaking his flawless face. I wondered for a second if he knew how handsome he was, if Sam was aware of how his tall, lean, and muscled frame affected those around him, including me. I tried to squash where my thoughts were going before the face could betray me, but it was too late.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked me quietly. His face was riddled with confusion and another emotion that I couldn't place.
'What the hell.' I said to myself. 'I'm gonna die in year anyway, what did I have to lose?' 'Sam…' the little voice in my head argued with itself; I ignored it. Apparently I took too long to answer because Sam asked again, more insistently.
"Dean? Why are you…"
"You perfect." I blurted out, not sure what exactly was going to come out of my mouth until I said it.
"I…what?" he spluttered waiting for me to explain my statement as he walked around to my side of the Impala. I could smell him, his aftershave and something uniquely Sam. "Sam stop." I said as I put up a hand to stop him before he got to close. I if was gonna get all of this out, and if Sam got any closer I wasn't sure I could.
"First of all, I will never, never, stop worrying about you. As a matter of fact it's one of the most ridiculous things you've ever said to me. The sooner you get that through your head the better. Secondly, I do give a crap that I'm dying. Every second of everyday I give a crap. I care that in less than I year I won't get to see how your face gets all scrunched up when you're researching our latest gig or the way you flip me off when your pissed at me and you think I'm not looking...but I'm always looking."
"Dean, what are you trying to…" Sam started to ask before I cut his question short.
"Let. Me. Finish." I said a little more forcefully than I had intended. He looked slightly startled but remained silent. I continued, "No matter how much you think making the deal was a mistake, I would do it again in a heartbeat if given the chance! I failed you!" I began to shout without even realizing it, "I failed my little brother and I had to make it right. I just had to. You died in my arms Sammy. I saw the life leave your eyes…" I trailed, I could feel my eyes start to sting, but I had to finish. "You don't think I care that I'm dying, but I care more than you'll ever know. I care about you more than you'll ever know." I finished slightly out of breath.
Sam just stared at me for a minute before calmly asking, "Are you finished?"
I simply nodded and started at the dew moistened gravel at my feet, not trusting my own voice at this point.
"Good." Sam said as he quickly closed the gap between us and in one swift movement had me pinned against the Impala. I squirmed and tried to free myself, but Sam's strong body was pressed flush against my own, securely keeping me right where I was.
"Sam…what the f…" I started but was pressed so tightly breathing was made difficult. Our eyes locked as he pulled back just enough to maneuver his arm around to touch my face. His hand was calloused and warm at the same time, much like Sam himself.
"I do know." Sam whispered so quietly I would have missed it if his face had not been inches from my own. That was my undoing. I leaned up and kissed him.
I was fully prepared for Sam to recoil in disgust, but I was shocked when he returned the kiss with fervor. He moved his other arm to rest on my neck, freeing my arms. Never breaking the kiss I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him as close as I could, relishing the pressure of Sam's body pushing me into the Impala's driver's door. Sam's paw-like hands were cradling my head on either side of my face like he thought I'd pull away if given the opportunity. He paused for the briefest of seconds as I daringly ran my tongue along his full bottom lip, asking permission to deepen the kiss. He quickly obliged me by parting his lips as I licked my way into his mouth, instantly loving the way Sam tasted. The need for air finally overtook me and I reluctantly began to pull back, wringing a small moan from Sam. As soon as I pulled away I longed for the contact again and quickly pressed a lingering kiss to Sam's soft and kiss swollen lips before I pulled back far enough to gage his reaction.
He kept his eyes closed for a second before he opened them to look at me. "I just kissed my brother…" he said breathily into my neck as he rested his forehead on my shoulder.
"Yeah…" was all I could manage.
"…and I liked it." He said in an airy voice that was filled with amazement.
"Mmmm Hmmm…" was al I could muster when I tried to reply as Sam pressed his mouth to mine once again, except this time it was slower, softer. All the urgency was gone, anger and worry dissipated for the time being as we simply enjoyed the feeling of being in each other arms. My hands found their way down Sam's sides coming to rest on his hips. It was strange yet comforting how natural they felt there. A considerable time later when we pulled apart once again, doubts rapidly began to fill my mind. 'What if he just doing this to make you happy or because he feels guilty…this can't be what Sam wants…in the heat of the moment he was just trying to make you happy'
"Sam…" I was starring at our feet I tried to free myself from Sam's firm grasp. "Shit shit shit…I so sorry Sammy…I shouldn't have…we shouldn't have…heat of the moment…" I trailed off. I couldn't think with Sam so close. I was desperately trying to break free, but Sam held tight.
"Look at me." He said softly. When I silently refused he said "Look at me." more firmly. I shook my head still starring at the ground until he hooked a finger under my chin and lifted his face to mine and said "I love you." against my mouth before drawing me into the most sensual kiss of my life.
"I love you." He repeated when he drew back. "I get why you made the deal. It's the same reason I went after the crossroads demon. You are my life. Hunting, fighting this war, none of it means anything if you aren't going to be here with me. That's why I have to save you."
"I love you too Sammy." I said and hugged him as tight as I could. We stayed that way for what seemed like forever until I felt Sam shiver. I was suddenly aware of how could it was outside. The icy bite of the air wasn't as inviting as it had been when I first got out of the car. "We should go." I said into Sam's shoulder. "Ok." came his muffled reply.
We reluctantly let go of each other and climbed back into the Impala. As I started the engine I felt Sam's fingers intertwine with mine as I left the shoulder of the highway and drove away.
"I think maybe I'll play craps." I said, and Sam just smiled and turned to look out the window. A sense of optimism flooded me due to the knowledge that whatever happened to me in a year would all be worth it because I had my brother, and that's all I've ever wanted, even before my own soul.