Author's Note:
I was driving one day, and had this very strange idea. I guess I was thinking of such random fanfiction like "The Official Fanfiction Academy" and got another sort of idea. What if there were people who aided characters in getting rid of such terrible things in fanfiction? The first thing that popped in my head was a Mary Sue, so we'll start there.
The Organization in the dealings of Improper Dimensional Alterations
A flash of light appeared.
Suddenly, at a point in the vastness of space, where there was nothing before, an immense interstellar vessel phased into being.
It came to rest over a planet, slowly setting a slow orbit around the planet.
Suddenly out of nowhere, a large red meteor crashed into said planet, narrowly missing the ship.
"Damn it!" The man sitting in the command chair screamed.
"I said to stay away from 65000000 BC when dealing with this damn planet! Didn't you see what that was?"
The pilot scratched his head, "An overgrown hedgehog of mass proportions burrowing in that planet?"
The commander dropped his head, motioning to the man standing nearby.
"Xraig, explain."
The blond haired man nodded his affirmation, "At once, sir. Ensign, that 'overgrown hedgehog' you referred to is known as Lavos. A being of immense destructive capabilities."
The commander nodded, "Indeed, only with significant magical training should you have any chance of taking it on."
Xraig motioned to the viewscreen, "Should we not set a course for the End of Time so we can figure out why High Command sent us here?"
The commander pointed forward, "Make it so, number one."
Xraig slapped his own forehead, "You damn trekkie."
Edrick Wardde, the commander of the starship 'Invincible', sat quietly in his quarters, reading up the latest orders from command.
Intelligence indicates that an illegal use of dimensional alteration has been invoked on Planet CT-SQUENIX. Use whatever means necessary to detain any criminals involved.
He sighed; the computers on base were only so good at finding problems. Satellite networks were only so good, until technology could find the point where preventative measure could be taken. As of now, many of his missions entailed the swift detainment of various illegal changes within the bounds of the Federal Authorial Network and Federal Institution of Collaboratorial Transitory Invalid Objects and Negotiations act. No one could figure out the real reason for the naming of the FANFICTION act, but figured it was best left as is.
He skimmed over his review of his last case involving Dimensional Alteration.
ID: BS62004
Planet: Elicoor
Case: Illegal Dimensional Alteration involving Male main characters participating in Lewd Sexual Deviancy that is otherwise out of character and above all obscene. Yet Another Obscene Intention, codename YAOI, details behind original code stated in Organization Handbook.
Observed by: Commander Edrick Wardde
Officer Xraig reports having apprehended the suspect at the scene, in which suspect was manipulating characters Fayt Leingod and Albel Nox. Suspect apprehended after much deliberation involving manipulation of character Albel Nox to attack Officer Xraig with various sword maneuvers that were ultimately bested by Officer Xraig, and resulted in the removal of character Albel Nox from existence temporarily by Officer Xraig. Suspect then became agitated, and attempted to mask a transportation signature, but was apprehended with rerouting the signal to the brig. After apprehension, a dimensional shift was applied, and the world returned to its normal state, with character Albel Nox reinstated into society, resuming his normal duties.
Request for Award: Officer Xraig
Reason: Success above and beyond the call of duty.
As he finished the review, a warning buzzer sounded. Edrick jumped up, signaling his communicator.
"Report!"
Xraig's voice appeared over communications, "Commander, we have picked up the signal of the criminal. It appears to be… Misuse of Amicable Reason and identity with Yet to be determined Success with Use of personal Enhancement!"
The commander swore a string of curses. "Egad! A MARYSUE! This world already has enough trouble with Lavos! Something like a MARYSUE could be the difference between existence and destruction! Officer Xraig, get an away team ready! I'm assisting in this personally!"
Xraig responded apprehensively, "Commander, this mission could be very dangerous!"
Edrick sneered, responding, "I've dealt with greater problems in my life, and you know damn well how I can hold up in a fight!"
Xraig shook his head, to the view of the entire bridge, "That power must be used in the most extreme of emergencies."
"Yes, Xraig, and every mission have had such extremities."
"Commander… very well. I trust your judgment in this matter."
Edrick made his way to the teleportation room, signaling another communication, "Give me the coordinates of the criminal!"
"Sir!" Answered an ensign, "It appears to be in 1000AD, attempting to seduce character Magus!"
The commander froze, burying his face in his hands. "God help us."
He stormed into the transporter room, yelling out, "Damn it! Magus is supposed to be Likely and Ultimately losing his Mind over Ashtear!"
Xraig saluted, "Code LUMA! Right you are, sir!"
The commander leapt onto the teleportation field, securing his sidearm, an ornate sword adorned with various runes. From the runes, the sword was clearly magical in nature, and held a power beyond most current technological achievements in weaponry.
Officer Xraig secured his weapon, very similar to the commander's. A veritable tempest of energy seemed to exude from the weapon's presence.
Edrick motioned to the ensigns, "Bob and George! Under no circumstances are you to act without acknowledgement from First Officer Xraig or myself! Failure to do so may result in your untimely deaths! And plus, it might be a pain to clean up what's left of you guys anyway! Now let's get the hell out of here and fix this problem!"
With a motion to the transportation officer, the group was quickly beamed to the surface.
The blue haired wizard was at a loss for words. At one moment, he was standing in Guardia Castle speculating the connection between Marle, and the pendant she wore, and the next, he was being accosted by a teenage girl, with seductive red hair, wearing odd clothing, and talking incessantly in an odd accent he never encountered before.
"Oh Magus! It's really you! I'm your biggest fan, OMG GLOMP YOU!"
The poor wizard found himself agreeing with the sexual harassment on his person, and though his very being fought against it, he slowly descended into a kiss with the unknown teenager.
The door was kicked open, and several uniformed men appeared, each having an FFN insignia.
The one in lead pointed to the teenager and drew his weapon, a sword.
"Confirmed sighting of suspect! Repeat! Confirmed sighting of suspect! Use non lethal force to detain!"
The girl raised her hands in defense, willing herself to act the damsel in distress.
"No! You have the wrong person! I'm not who you think I am!"
Commander Edrick sneered, "Okay, who are you, and where are you from? Your clothes are definitely not from this planet."
She shook her head, "No! I'm from 2006AD! Really! My name is Mary, and I'm from Truce Dome! Honest!"
The commander shook his head, pointing to the shirt again, "Explain the Hello Kitty shirt."
She swore, summoning a magical staff to her.
"Then you will feel my wrath! I am the greatest mage ever to exist on this planet! I have the blood of Guardia Royalty running through my veins! You have no choice but to bow down and-"
A beam of energy extended from the commander's hand slammed her into the nearest wall, causing her to slump to her knees.
"Denied."
Xraig drew his sword, pointing it to Magus, "Has she manipulated you, Magus?"
He slowly nodded, "Who… what… forget it. I'm terribly confused."
Xraig nodded, "No problem, we can erase this entire event. You can go back to finding Schala or defeating Lavos or whatever afterward."
He raised an eyebrow, "How did…"
Suddenly, a fierce hold was brought to his mind, and Magus found himself casting Dark Matter.
Xraig stood his ground, taking the brunt of the spell. He looked down at his uniform, shaking his head at the slight tear that resulted in the magical spell.
"Damn it, I need to get Aurora to sew this."
Magus raised his eyebrows in fear, fighting the next will to summon another spell. He slowly turned towards the teenager in anger.
"You bitch! I don't know how you did that, but I will not be someone's puppet!"
The commander winced at the statement. "Tell that to…"
He waved a hand, "Forget it, she'll probably hunt me down and torture me with her snake friend if I mention her."
The girl summoned a spell of her own, the immense power of Ultima finding itself in the room.
The commander strode forward during the casting of the spell, and promptly held his sword out, as the energies of the spell enveloped around the blade.
He smirked, "I've been doing this a lot longer than you have, girl."
He leapt forward, "Ultima Strike!"
The resulting energies knocked the girl to a quivering heap, though it would have even killed Magus. The wizard in question slumped to his knees in amazement.
"What the… not even Lavos could have stood up to such a blow."
Edrick smirked again, "That's why I'm here to deal with her. You just worry about your own life, Janus."
Magus raised an eyebrow, but realized that things couldn't get any weirder. He promptly cast a sleep spell on himself.
Xraig chuckled, "Well, I'll just do a slight alteration to make it all seem like a crazy dream. Crisis averted, and well done Ensigns, for not acting on your own."
Bob and George nodded, happy to at least not be nameless.
Edrick strode calmly over to the girl, firmly grabbing the collar of her shirt, and bringing her up to eye level.
"So really… where are you from?"
She looked at the ground, "From… elsewhere…"
He threw her roughly to the floor, "From elsewhere, my ass! Typical MARYSUE! I've seen too many of your kind, though I wish I could truly be rid of you!"
Something within the statement held some kind of obsession, as if the code in question was something that his maxim was built on.
"The brig is too nice of a place for you… I would see you cast into the pits of hell! Or the fire pits of Wutai if you don't believe in that, you sick deviant! I will find joy in making your stay as uncomfortable as I can!"
He roughly grabbed her lower, eliciting a shock from the girl as she was roughly groped, and felt something metallic graft to her skin on her ribs.
"Invincible! One to brig!"
The criminal shimmered from view, as the commander sternly gazed around the room.
Xraig shook his head, "I would say that last act was uncalled for, but then I forgot what we were dealing with."
The commander snarled, "That's not the worst I will do, in fact, I will take many forms of gratification for dealing with the perpetrator!"
Xraig held up a hand, "I know what you're speaking, I ask that in the sense of decency that you stand down from any lewd acts that are questionable upon your character."
Edrick shook his head, as it dropped, "I suppose I can't have too much fun, can I?"
He signaled to communications, "Invincible, mission complete."
The four shimmered back in the transporter room.
The commander continued. "You… have no idea… how hard it is to see one of their kind again."
Xraig sighed, "I know… you were once drawn to that side… but redeemed yourself, and became a great aggressor against many forms of illegal dimensional alteration."
Edrick held a hand to his head, "I wish I could undo the acts of Novalon, but they will stay with me for the rest of my life…"
Xraig shook his head, "No, you can purge the records, you know. You have changed."
Edrick waved a hand, "No… they will be left as a reminder… to never let anyone decent follow that path."
A determined look came to his eyes.
"I swear upon my very soul and my standing with FFN that I will never allow another innocent intelligent person to be drawn to MARYSUE again!"
Author's Note: "From Elsewhere" is in reference to a fic that could have been a Mary Sue, but redeemed itself. And as for the lady with the snake friend… well, I think that small reference alone is enough to describe to any of her fans (myself included).
Now, I ask the public. Along with your constructive reviews, tell me of fanfiction that you find to be an atrocity to the Fanfiction community, and I will write of the crew dealing with it, along with more backstory of my original characters and whatnot, fun fun!
Whoohoo! Audience participation! Come on and do it! I know you want to!
Novalon