Thoughts of a Mad MamatoBe

by FlowerPot21

Sara and Grissom are expecting a baby, and oddly enough, Sara is the one having doubts. Her thoughts are humorous at times.

Thoughts of a Mad Mama-to-Be

I AM STARVING! Never have I been more hungry in my life. I manage to get some break time and I make my way to the locker room and grab my purse; an item that I rarely carry around with me, but for some odd reason, I just want to carry it around with me today. It makes me feel…feminine. Anyway, I carefully avoid all the people that know me to avoid conversation because conversation bugs me. It IRKS me. Yes, irks is a much better word. Not to mention that everyone on the graveyard shift annoys me. EVERYONE. I HATE EVERYONE. Just for the record.

Good, I've made it out to the parking lot. I'm safe…no one will ever know that I've left until I've gone except…Nicky. WHY? I try and duck behind a car, but he sees me.

"Hey Sar," he says. By the way, I hate that nick name, but Nick is so sweet that I let him and only him call me that. "Where are you going?"

"What's it to you?" I snap as I make a beeline to my car.

I leave Nick to eat my dust as I go to my car, seething. As I drive to the farthest restaurant possible, I begin to cry uncontrollably. They were wrong. They were all wrong! The world isn't a brighter and happier place! It's still awful and horrid. There's still war and death and destruction; suicide and botulism. It's all there! It doesn't matter what I'm carrying, the world is not any brighter than what it was yesterday. Unfortunately, I was shunned right out of the circle of overzealous women and their precious unborn children.

Yes! I wanted to shout. Let's talk about it: let's talk about all of the horrible things that go on everyday. I can start with how many children have died of starvation in one day, then I can move on to how many nuclear bombs were being produced this second, oh and even better, I can talk about how we're all going to die from global warming. No, the world isn't a brighter place…not even if I'm pregnant. All the women I work with are trying to make it out to be a good thing, but it's not. I'm helplessly miserable, and they are a bunch of backstabbers. Especially one redhead in particular. They pretend they like me and that they're happy for me, but then they talk… "She's not emotionally ready", "I feel sorry for the kid", (those being the redhead's words exactly) "She's not saying who the father is", "She's going to get fat and stay fat", "Should we throw her a baby shower?".
I now begin to shed bitter tears. A part of me wants all the fluff and circumstance that goes along with having a baby, but part of me doesn't. I really don't want this baby, to be brutally honest, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I got an abortion. Another thing that made me foul and bitter was the fact that everyone doubted me…everyone assumed that I would die an old maid. They may as well have called me old square britches. They doubt my ability to love and cherish this baby. I'm not saying that I don't love this little thing, it's just that I don't want it.

As Sara Sidle drives by, the smell of hamburger meat being cooked on a grill filled her nostrils. She turned into the restaurant parking lot and stole a spot from someone who had been waiting for it before her. Sara did not realize this. She was too hungry and too focused on her inner thoughts that she did not see the rather obscene gesture the driver made at her.

She walked into the restaurant with a tear streaked face and sat down at a booth. While she always admitted that she was a vegetarian, pregnancy and a craving did not work well with a strict produce only diet.

A waitress noticed Sara's distraught look, and decided to serve her first.

"What can I get for you?" Deanne, the waitress, inquired.

Sara looked up and the waitress and said, "The biggest hamburger you can possibly make, large order of fries, three whole pickles, not the sliced ones, a piece of chocolate cake, and a chocolate shake."

I'm hungrier than I thought. Deanne is looking at me with bulging eyes. I wish she would go away and get my food, I'm paying.

"What are you waiting for?" I ask a bit too bitchy.

"Oh," Deanne giggles. Bubble head.

Everyone and everything about everyone is annoying. The people that I work with drive me insane with their utter cruelty and sympathy. I hate them. Catherine, (the redhead I mentioned before) is rude in a subtle polite way that's always bothered me. I respect her, but I don't like her. She makes assumptions and drags it out a mile. Kinda like I was when I first got here working on Warrick's investigation. Warrick is probably the only person that hasn't said anything to me to the effect of this baby. I hate that. I hate him.

I bury my face in my hands and begin to cry all over again. I don't know the reason for my unhappiness. What makes people think that finding out you're pregnant is always a joyous thing? It's not…this baby is not cause for celebration.

It's pretty sad when your parents agree…this is not a very happy time. I called my parents a day after I found out and they were anything but passive. Damn hippies. It makes my heart ache to know that my parents aren't itching to receive a wedding invitation, or to see my first BF, or to be grandparents. They don't care at all because it wouldn't make a big difference in their lives…so they think. Out of pity and curiosity, they're coming out here in a week to "support" me. No, they're coming out here to judge me in person instead of over the phone…and to scowl with disdain at the father of my child.

Finally, my order is here. The hamburger looks delicious. I pick it up in my hands and bite into it with a savage hunger I didn't know I even possessed. It is delicious. I'm only six weeks along, and I can already feel the fat piling on to my body. The meat is tender and juicy, flowing with the sweetest flavor of mesquite and honey. Within minutes, my burger is eaten then I move onto the fries. I glance at the slivers of potato, and I didn't want to eat them so plain. Suddenly, my eyes befell a wonderful topping…I pour gobs of maple syrup on my french-fries, then I add some salt on top to ensure that it won't be too sweet. I consume the French fries, then I move on to the mound of chocolate indulgence. Mmmm…chocolate. I like this restaurant. I stuff my face with the rest of the lunch, then I drank the chocolate shake. I pay then I head back to work, now stuffed. I swear I must've gained some weight just from that meal.

The misery I feel is completely overwhelming and I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to be a mother. I can't think of a worse thing for me.

Gil Grissom sat in his office thinking about Sara's pregnancy. He was so excited it was almost embarrassing. He loved her so much. She was only six weeks pregnant, and he knew that she had a long way to go before she really started showing.

He was going to be a father. He thought he might be apprehensive to that, but he could find no legitimate reason to be. Sara Sidle was going to be the mother of his child in exactly eight and a half months. Grissom was trying to encourage Sara and tell her that she will be a wonderful mother. She had been in a foul mood lately and he figured it was hormones. He didn't know that she didn't want the baby.

On top of being nervous about the baby, Sara's parents (whom he never had the pleasure of meeting) were coming in to town to see Sara and talk about the baby. Sara hadn't shown any sign of them being excited about becoming grandparents. The conversation on the phone was cold and brief. No extended mother-daughter conversation…just a "hello, I'm pregnant, goodbye". Grissom was slightly disappointed at Sara's coolness with her parents over the phone. When he commented on that, it only served to piss her off even more, and he had sleep on the couch.

Sara had expressed to him many times that she was uncomfortable around the women at work. Women could be vicious when it came to things such as this. Sara, Sara Sidle was pregnant? Having a baby? It was a travesty in their book. He was surprised that Catherine took part in the teasing and cold hearted remarks. Then he remembered, the two women were never the best of friends.

What did Sara do to deserve such cruel torture from her friends and family, Grissom wondered.

I put my purse back into my locker neatly, then I head to the break room where Catherine, Jacqui, Mandy, and Michelle are waiting for me.

"Hi Sara," Catherine said as she was munching on something. "You want some tuna?"

My skin automatically blanches and I can feel my lunch coming back up. Those stupid immature bitches.

I put my hand on my stomach and sit down. I'm trying to will the nausea away. They know I can't stand tuna anymore. I can feel a thin layer of sweat form on my forehead as I try my hardest not to run to the restroom and throw up my twenty-five dollar meal.

I'm hoping that Catherine notices how sick she's making me, this is no longer funny. Why do people delight in torturing others?

"Okay, put it away guys," Catherine said. "She's not looking too hot."

Damn right I'm not looking so hot, you fake blond bimbo. My stomach is turning flips and I'm so dizzy I can hardly keep my eyes open. After a few minutes, the nausea dies down, but my anger is evident on my face.

Catherine sits next to me and she tries to apologize.

"Sara, don't be mad, we were only playing," she said. "I didn't know it would make you that sick."

I look at her with the meanest look possible.

"Oh, fuck off," I say as I walk out of the break room.

I go back to the locker room and I cry. I cry like I've never cried before. The baby is making me emotional. No, I can't blame it on the kid this time…these tears fell of my own accord. I hate this whole thing! I hate being pregnant, I hate everyone around me. I feel inadequate somehow…like even though I'm pregnant, that still didn't change my image here.

Warrick Brown heard Sara crying rather hysterically in the locker room. He came in, and sat next to her. She was angry at him. He hadn't spoken to her since the day she told him she was pregnant. He didn't know why he wasn't talking to her, she didn't hurt him in any way…

"Hey Sara," he said.

She turned and gave him a look that could kill.

"GO AWAY."

Warrick didn't move. Sara became increasingly angry to the point of fitful tears and she tried shoving him off the bench in order to get him away from her. Of course, he was three times stronger than she was, so her efforts were futile. He just pulled her into a hug and she cried harder. She was distraught and that wasn't good for an expectant mother.

"Everyone hates me!" She wailed in a tone so miserable, it tore his heart to pieces.

"Shh, no one hates you Sara," he assured her. "I certainly don't"

"Then what is it? What is it about me that makes people assume the worst for me and make fun of me?" She asked.

"It's not you," he explained. "It's them. They're the ones who are insecure and jealous. Even Catherine is a little bitter."

"Ya think?" She said sarcastically.

Warrick held the skinny woman close until her tears stopped flowing. She pulled away and smiled. She was clearly embarrassed at her fit. Sara was the most stubborn woman he knew, and she would probably explain her hysterical crying as an effect of screwed up hormones. Warrick knew better.

"I'm happy for you and Griss, Sara," he said, patting her stomach. "You'll do fine."

With that, he left and happened to run into Catherine. "Catherine…just the woman I wanted to see," he said conspiratorially.

Warrick was so gentle. He made me feel so much better. Better about my being pregnant, and better about becoming a mother. I still am not emotionally ready for motherhood yet, but I was in a better mood about it. I shouldn't let those women get me down. They were just jealous, why, I can't imagine. Pregnancy is not some party. No, it was miserable. I was throwing my guts up the first couple of weeks, then I have disgusting cravings, then I feel a constant need to drink soda, and I'm in a pissy mood when the day is over . Now does that sound like anything to be jealous of? When is this torturous shift going to be over?

Maybe I should attend another Pregnant Anonymous meeting for moral support. No, the last time I went they thought I was a nutcase after I countered that the world looks all the grayer even when you're pregnant. My attitude toward this is purely unheard of. I am the one having doubts, I am the one with the crazy-ass parents who hate me, I am the one stupid enough to get pregnant in the first place. Actually, Grissom and I planned this. We just kept on having unprotected sex until I got pregnant. The idea of having a baby sounded good at the time because I was in the throes of ecstasy. Grissom is a great lover, and when we're making love, or a baby, for that matter, it was hard to say no to anything either of us suggested. So, when he asked me if I wanted a baby, I shouted yes, and had the greatest orgasm of my life. No, that wasn't when I got pregnant though. I got pregnant a month later when we were fooling around in the kitchen. To this day, I don't prepare meals on that counter, even if it's clean.

Finally, shift is over. I am the first person in the locker room and I quickly grab my things and leave.

The last twelve hours have been pure hell. I am home first. Grissom was on his way. He said he was at the store getting something. Spending money on something. Now that the baby was coming, he couldn't go on those little whim trips to woo me anymore. We had to start saving for the baby. Besides, I want to do a nursery, and that would cost money.

I put my things down and head upstairs. I am so tired I can't even begin to tell you. I collapse on the plush bed and instantly fall asleep.

I was woken up by the sound of Grissom coming through the door. Can't he come in quietly for once?

I went downstairs to greet him.

"Hey baby," he said coming toward me with a box of chocolates and a teddy bear. He is so sweet. I begin to cry as I sat down on our new couch. Well, it's about a year old, but still new in my book.

"Sara, what's wrong now?" Grissom asks in a slightly agitated tone.

"I love you so much," I wailed. "You are the most wonderful man."

I lean up and kiss him, then I settle into the couch and hug the teddy bear. In doing this, I discover that my breasts hurt. I loosen my grip on the teddy bear. I've made up my mind at this very moment of pain: I'm breastfeeding. I don't care if my nipples turn purple, I'm going to breastfeed. That was the first major decision I have made concerning this baby.

Grissom takes out a few grocery items that don't look appealing to my appetite. I want a big steak right now. That sounds good. Steak and potatoes with corn on the cob. I am salivating at the very thought of the meal.

"Griss," I call. "I want a steak."

Grissom turns and smiles.

"I can make you one," he said.

"No, I want one from a restaurant," I say, popping his bubble.

"I thought you said we should start saving for the baby?"

Good point. But I'm hungry, dammit and I want a steak from a nice restaurant.

"I don't want a homemade steak," I said through clenched teeth. "I want to get one from a restaurant."

Grissom backs down and says we'll go out to eat.

That was one thing about living with older men: they were at your beck and call. I said I wanted a steak from a restaurant, and he obliges me; actually, he's only giving in to me because he knows how pissy and emotional I am right now. That will soon be shattered by the baby that will bring this house down because like me, he or she will be pissy and emotional too.

I can't tell you how much I don't want this baby. It is the source of my misery right now. I'm not ready for this. I can't do it. I don't want motherhood right now. I want to jump Grissom's bones and make furious love to him all night long and not have to worry about prenatal drugs.

I begin to cry.

"Honey, what's the matter?" Grissom asks. I can tell he's sick and tired of my crying.

I don't want to tell him what I'm feeling right now. I can't. It'll hurt him too much.

"Nothing, I just want to be by myself," I say as I go back upstairs to our bedroom.

"What about dinner?" He called.

"I don't care."

"What's the problem, Sara?" He pressed. "You haven't stopped crying since I walked through the door."

I manage to find some little piece of courage and say what I've been feeling since the day I found out I was pregnant. All of my anger comes pouring out.

"I don't want this baby!" I shouted. "I don't want to be a mother! I can't do it! I can't do it!"

Grissom is standing downstairs, speechless. I don't think he was expecting me to say that. I've knocked the wind out of him. He looks very hurt and I can't stand to look at him right now.

"Get out," I command. He's still standing there. "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Grissom grabs his keys and heads out. I slam the bedroom door as hard as I can to blow off some steam. I just kicked my boyfriend out of his own house. He was so good to me, he left without any complaints. I don't see how he puts up with me sometimes. I admit, I can be irritating. I only kicked him out to give him a break from me. I am a confused bundle of nerves and hormones. I don't know what to do with myself. I lay down on the bed and inadvertently put my hand on my stomach. I am carrying a life…I'm carrying Grissom's baby. Why am I not happy about this? I should be basking in excitement. I am the unhappiest woman in the world.

***

Grissom put me on desk duty. Great. Yet another perk of my pregnancy.

My parents are coming in tonight, and Griss and I are leaving early. My parents are the reason why I left Frisco. When I got accepted to Harvard, they weren't thrilled. They were upset that I was leaving them and that there wouldn't be anybody to help them with the B&B anymore. We had a huge fight, and they didn't even take me to the airport and say goodbye. Well, the first day I was in Boston, I lost my virginity at a Frat party to consummate my independence. Since then, I've only been with two other men: the guy who initiated me into the Mile High Club, and Grissom, with whom I am having a baby.

So now I am sitting at a desk, with nothing to do but paperwork. I am a fish out of water when it comes to desk duty. I don't even know where to file. That's sad. I've been working here for three years and I don't know how to file. Gina, my only true female friend at the moment, was kind enough to teach me. She told me that she was happy for me, genuinely happy for me and that made me smile for the first time in weeks. She had three children and she said once they're born and in your arms, nothing else matters. I hope she's right. Well, why shouldn't she be? She's had three children.

Food from the vending machines beckons me and I get up and head to the cafeteria. On the way, I hear a familiar voice calling me.

"Sara!"

I turn around to find my ex-boyfriend, Hank Peddigrew.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I ask in a rage.

"Sara," he said earnestly. "I came to apologize for hurting you."

I am not impressed. I hate him. I'm pregnant, so my nerves are frazzled at the moment.

"Get out of here," I said angrily. "You disgust me."

"No," he said defiantly.

"Fine, I'll have you thrown out, security!" I call.

"You-you know what?" He half giggled half shouted. "You're nothing but a fucking whore! I know that you're pregnant."

"Oh I'm a fucking whore? I'm a whore? You were the one fucking Elaine when you were seeing me. So now who's the whore?" I spit back.

"Please, you don't even know who the father of your baby is," he said. Stupid bastard. "You're the whore."

"I'm a whore?" I realize we're causing a scene and I'm embarrassed, but I'm not going to let him win.

Hank has been trying to get under my skin for a year since the Havalin case. He says that I ruined his reputation as well after the old woman drove through a restaurant window. That was when I found out he was cheating on me. Elaine worked at that insurance company who wouldn't give the poor woman money for cancer treatment. She made me sick to my stomach. How can anyone put a price on another human being's life? It's disgusting and low.

"Tell me Hank," I shout. "When have I had time to be a whore? When? You know I work twenty-four seven! I know who the father of my baby is! You're the whore!"

"Sleeping with the boss is against company rules," he retorted. "Tell me, exactly how much did he pay you to keep your dirty little mouth closed, you slut."

"Go home Hank," I say, thankful that Warrick and Nick have come to my rescue.

As I turn, he grabs my arm rather violently and I try and pull away.

"Leave her alone!" Nick shouts as he and Warrick try and get him off of me.

"Ow! Let go!" I whimper. Finally, in a fit of rage, I ball my hand into a fist and I punch the snot out of him. He falls strait back and he looks at me with shock. Nick and Warrick are stunned as well.

"ARGH! She broke my nose!" He shouts. "That bitch broke my nose!"

"Hey, hey," Warrick said in anger. "She is a woman and an officer of the law."

"Bitch!" He still shouts despite Warrick's warning. I've had it. I kick his manhood, and he cries like a little girl.

"No one talks to me that way!" I yell.

Grissom is here now, and I embrace him. I just want this night to be over. Everyone is staring at me, at Grissom…at us in an embrace.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I just want him out of here," I say, my voice quavering a bit.

A security guard comes and he arrests Hank.

Grissom pulls away to inspect me.

"Honey, did he hurt you? Do you need to go to the hospital?" He asks, a little panicked.

"No, no," I insist. "I'm okay."

That was a bald faced lie. I wasn't okay. I felt my legs give out under me, and Griss caught me. I black out.

Grissom knew that she was lying. She was in a bit of shock and her eyes were glazed over. She collapsed in his arms. He knew that she would be upset at him for taking her to the hospital, but he had to. He didn't want to risk losing her or the baby.

I wake up in an unfamiliar place. Dammit! I'm in the hospital. Why did he take me here? Griss knows how much I hate hospitals.

"Grissom!" I shout. "Grissom! Grissom! Griss-"

"Shh, miss," a nurse with a heavy Irish accent said to me as she laid me back down in the bed. "Don't look afright, Mr. Grissom has gone to get some coffee. Now, sit back and relax. I'll be back to check on you soon."

"How long have I been here?" I ask.

"Just under twenty-four hours ma'am."

"Oh," I say, giving into the fatigue that plagued my body.

Last night scared me just a bit. Never has Hank been so angry so as to assault me. I'm still afraid. That's why I want Griss here with me. I had a horrible nightmare about the events of last night. I'm fighting sleep, but I do need it. I'm exhausted.

"Grissom," I call tearfully as my eyes close.

After what seemed like an eternity of sleep, I wake up to the sight of Griss. I immediately sit up and hug him. He hugs me back and I lean up and kiss him passionately. I don't want to spend a moment away from him. I don't know what I'd be doing if it wasn't for Grissom. I'm glad we decided to jump into this together. It was working out like I always dreamed it would. I'm just sad that we waited for so long.

"Honey, I want to go home," I whine.

"I know, we will soon, baby," Grissom promises me.

We pull away and I see my parents looking at me with disappointment.

Julian and Marie Sidle looked upon their daughter with a mutual disrespect. After nearly fourteen years, they were finally together with their somewhat estranged daughter.

"Hi mama, daddy," Sara greeted them coolly, avoiding their gaze. Grissom could see where she got the death stare from. Her mother had steely black eyes that burned a hole straight through him. He was nervous about their reaction upon meeting him for the first time. What's more, the Sidles would be with them for the next two weeks. Sara was apprehensive. She did not want her parents to stay that long, for her patience was worn too thin.

Julian Sidle came from the Bronx in New York to make a way for himself. He thought that California was the perfect place. Tamales Bay was a great little town in need of some business. So, with the money he had, he moved to southern California, first down and out in Venice Beach, and was converted to a hippie. He smoked, he drank, he partied until he met a contemporary, Marie Hansen. She herself was a hippie, but she was in to superstitions of the cosmos. There was an instant attraction and Julian seduced her.

It wasn't long before Marie and Julian married and they moved on a whim to Tamales Bay. There, Julian worked at Tamales Bay Bed and Breakfast. It kept both of them fed. The owner, Fred Hamilton, had no family to help take care of the B&B, so he put Julian as the sole owner of the inn when he died. By the time Sara was born, Julian Sidle was the owner of Tamales Bay Bed and Breakfast.

Sara was a curious child. She was always snooping around where she shouldn't have and she was extraordinarily smart. She was outspoken and independent and she did not live the same lifestyle her parents lived. They believed in superstitions, she believed in facts. She hated aromatherapy candles and being a vegetarian up until her early thirties.

They admitted that Sara was special, but they never thought that she would ever, in her lifetime fall deeply in love with an older man. Nor have a baby by him either. They knew that Sara was much smarter than that. Now they were going to be grandparents. Julian Sidle was not happy with the fact that Gil Grissom was forty-five and that Sara was thirty-two. A thirteen year difference that bothered him. He had no doubt that Dr. Grissom loved Sara. That was evident from Sara's reaction to him being there when she woke up. It was the fact that they were having a child together, out of wedlock. Now the Sidles weren't particularly religious, but they knew what was right and wrong. Having a child out of wedlock was something they didn't condone.

Julian was the first to speak. "Hello Sara," he said just as cool. "Congratulations on your pregnancy."

Sara nodded her head in thanks.

This is very awkward. I know my parents don't like Gil because he's older. I don't care what they think. I love Gil, and I'm not going to let them break us up. I may not be sure about this baby, but I'm sure that I love Gil. All I want is for my parents to be happy for me; to let me be happy.

The nurse gave us a release form along with some pamphlets on pregnancy and the like and we went home. My stomach was rumbling in the car…the only thing that was communicating out of all of us together. I suddenly have a craving for devil dogs. I have no idea why. I want to tell Gil to pull over at the next grocery store, but my parents look a little jet-lagged, so I suppress my craving for the time being. I hope they'll be comfortable at the townhouse. I decorated it nicely when I moved in with Gil. It was warm and inviting. My parents would have their own bedroom and bathroom. My hunger grows worse by the minute, but I have to learn some patience. Patience is a virtue.

My parents are falling asleep in the back of the car. It would be another ten minutes until we get home.

"Mom, dad," I said, shaking their shoulders. "We're home."

Mama wakes up first then she wakes Daddy up. It's funny how I'm thirty-two and I still call my parents Mama and Daddy. It's been years since I've seen my parents, almost fourteen. I'm going to try my best to bridge the gaping hole in our relationship. I feel obligated to them somehow. Gil is trying his best to show that he's not nervous about them staying with us. He's just as determined for us to stay together as I am, but he also wants to please my parents, which is very hard to do. He's already got two strikes: one for being older than I, and another for getting me pregnant. He has to work real hard to keep my parents comfortable and happy.

I led them upstairs, which for me was an uphill battle because my parents' bags were heavy. They obviously packed more clothes than they needed for two weeks.

"Honey," Gil says. "You should have let me take those bags up there. You shouldn't be lifting heavy things."

"No darling," I strangled out. "It's quite alright. I'm almost there."

One more step…made it. I stop and catch my breath. Usually, I would be able to carry their things with ease, but pregnancy wears a woman down. I don't want to be pregnant at this very moment. I'm embarrassed and Gil not taking the initiative to run upstairs and help me is an automatic foul. Sometimes I wish Griss would learn to be more insistent with me. He listens to my every word and I don't like that, to tell you the truth. I like having my way, yes, but I wish he would be a little more aggressive…I think it's sexy when he's aggressive.

Once I've caught my breath, I drag their bags across the wooden floor to their bedroom. I'm weak and pathetic. Once at the door, I open it and the heavy, headache inducing smell of lilac vacuum powder comes forth in all its glory. I told Gil not to use too much. I washed the sheets and the comforter. They had a fresh mountain/lilac/orange clean room to sleep in for the next two weeks.

"Thank you Sara," Mama said to me.

I stepped aside happily and let them go in to the spacious room. The third bedroom in the house was for the nursery. I had gone out a week before and bought a paint palette to see which color would work best with both sexes. I don't want to know what the baby is until it's born, so we have to find some gender friendly colors. The view in the room is wonderful for the baby.

I remember my craving and I go downstairs. I grab my keys and kiss Gil on the way out. Mmm…what a sexy man he is.

"I'm going to go get something to eat," I say. "Entertain my parents while I'm gone."

"Sweetheart but-" Gil was nervous I could tell. I smile at him to assure him that everything will be fine.

He melts and waves. He adores the gap in my teeth. He talks about it all the time. When I was younger, it was a source of humiliation for me. Now, guys actually find it attractive.

I go to the supermarket because I know I will have a better chance at finding what I'm looking for. I go straight to the one thing I want. Little Hostess Devil Dogs. I pick up the bigger box, then I head over to dairy and buy a carton of milk. The total comes out to ten ninety-eight.

As soon as I close the door to my car, I begin to eat the chocolate-crème snacks. Before I knew it, I ate the whole box and drank the entire carton of milk. I burp. I get out of my car and throw the empty containers into the trash can. That was great. I'm satisfied. Now there's one other craving that needs satisfying. By now I think that Gil has probably put my parents to sleep. He may fascinate me, but to some people, he can be incredibly hard to understand. Take his bug collection for example. Most people I know are disgusted by bugs and usually don't care to talk about them. Grissom has a problem with making himself exciting to other people. When it's just me and him, God…he is the most romantic and exciting man I've ever known. I really hope my parents warm up to him. Once they see how sweet and caring he really is, they'll love him.

As I drive home, I begin to think about how much things are going to change. First off, my body. It has already started changing in ways that I never thought. Getting up close and personal, I've grown thicker and darker pubic hair. That's disgusting. I don't want Gil to have to look for it when we make love…now, on to the upper part of my body…my breasts are swollen. I swear, I've grown a cup size. My bras give me more breasts and more cleavage. Not that I mind and I don't think Grissom minds either, but it becomes uncomfortable after awhile. My midsection is starting to poke out more. Grissom can't wait to feel my stomach when it swells to accommodate the baby. He's so happy about this baby…God I wish I could be. I don't know what obstacle is keeping me from being happy. I'm supposed to be happy about this baby. At least that's what everyone expects out of me; overwhelming happiness and joy. I don't feel that at all. I feel fat and disgusting. I just ate a whole box of Devil Dogs by myself. My clothes don't fit right anymore. Another thing that's changing is Gil. I love him so much, and he has really changed since we got together. Actually, since he had his surgery. The first time we kissed, it was so heated and impassioned, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew I was begging for mercy and asking for more when he ravaged my body all day long after shift. He had become better with people, and he works less because of me. Speaking of work, I am on desk duty until this kid is born. That makes me feel depressed and useless.

When I walk through the door, Gil is the only one up. Obviously, my parents have gone to bed.

"They got tired of you huh?" I ask as I sit down next to him on the couch.

"Yeah," he answers as he put an arm around my shoulders.

I lean up and kiss him. "Good, 'cause now I can have you all to myself."

I kiss him again and I pull off my jacket. The fact that my parents are sleeping in the next bedroom made me resist the urge to rip off all of his clothes right now. We make our way to the bedroom.

I take off all my clothes first then I push Gil down violently onto the bed.

"Uh, Sara," he said breathlessly. "Let me get undressed."

"Hurry up," I whisper in agitation. I give him a few seconds. "Are you naked yet?"

"Just another minute," he said. "You have to learn a little patience," he said struggling with his last piece of clothing. "Okay. Now get over here my little wild cat."

I climb on top of him and kiss him tenderly. He caresses my body. His soft, gentle hands run over the slight swell in my abdomen. I kiss him deeper and caress him. I love this time we have together. We haven't made love since I found out I was pregnant, so I'm feeling a bit deprived. We have a wonderful sex life, by the way.

I lose myself in wild, passionate, abandon as we make love. I stay quiet as a mouse so I wouldn't disturb my parents. Every part of me is electrified and called to attention. It must be hormones, because I am on fire and the man that I'm sitting on top of is so sexy and…ready for me. Good sex was the best part of early pregnancy.

Later, insomnia takes over my body and I stare up at the ceiling in awe of Gil. He was wonderful, and he deserves a night of restful sleep. I, on the other hand, get to think about the certain Hell that Gil and I will have to endure with my parents. Mama and Daddy have already judged him because he knocked me up. If they just gave him a chance, they'd know what kind of man Gil is. And trust me, they'd know that he just doesn't pick up younger women for the Hell of it. If they knew how long we've been in love with each other…so we're not married…big deal. People have lots of kids before they decide that they wan to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I'm not walking down the aisle just because I'm pregnant. I want to marry Gil, but not right now. Someday…

I am getting fat. I discover this as I look at my body in a full length vanity mirror. My abdomen, which used to be toned has turned to mush…baby mush. I'm officially three months pregnant now. This has been a long pregnancy thus far. I have six more months to go. Damn. All I can think about is the pain…the horrible, traumatizing pain. Why do I let myself get into these situations? All I had to do that night was make sure I took my pill. None of this would have happened.

Don't get on the scale…don't get on the scale…Lord, don't let me get on the scale…I'm on the scale. I'm ten pounds heavier, and my weight is steadily rising. I hope that I don't have a big baby. Big babies mean big heads, big heads mean…I don't even want to think about it.

The light of day peeks through our bedroom window. I have stayed up all night. Now I'm hungry, I'm tired, and grouchy. My hair is thicker. It's hard enough to manage as it is, and my hair is naturally wavy. I pick up my brush and prepare for imminent pain…one stroke…then two…it's like silk.

Gil woke up to find his pregnant girlfriend out of bed. He was aware that she was an insomniac, and thus validated her reasons for working nights. He didn't worry about her being an insomniac, although he did wish that she would get some rest. He knew Sara would be exhausted and in a bad mood, as she has been since the day she found out she was pregnant. He understood, but the fight they had just a week ago gave him a startling revelation. She did not want this baby. A part of him wanted to believe that it was hormones, but another part believed that she was dead serious. She did not want to have a baby. He felt guilty because he felt that he had tricked her in some way. The time he asked her if she wanted a baby when she was close to orgasm and she shouted yes, he thought that she was definitely sure about having a child. Now that the pregnancy was reality, she became rather bitter and she was always in a foul mood.

The only way he knew how to keep her somewhat happy and satisfied was to give into her and comfort her when she needed comforting. Her parents seemed to be causing her a bit of grief, and he needed to serve as peace maker between the both of them. He knew what happened when Sara would get very upset…she cursed like a sailor. Total potty hole mouth. She didn't care where she blew up or at whom. She was virtually a walking volcano, waiting to blow her top at the slightest provocation.

Gil got up out of bed and pulled on a pair of boxers. He walked into their bathroom to find Sara brushing her hair luxuriously. He regarded her strangely as he saw the reverie in her face. Her eyes were closed and she had a pleasant smile on her face. Her hair had a glossy shine to it that he had never seen before. He stared at her naked body. He noticed her tummy. There was a visible bump there now, housing his child, for the time being.

His eyes wandered over her body and then come back up to meet her eyes. They were full of the deepest love and adoration.

"You're glowing," he whispered in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her waist. "And you look beautiful."

Sara smiled shyly at his compliments.

Gil could be so sweet sometimes. He's watching me brush out my hair, the most mundane thing I could ever do that he hardly ever notices. I must have been acting really weird over the fact that my hair was smooth and soft and untangled because he is looking at me rather strangely.

"Gil, I'm hungry," I say, as if he didn't guess that I might be when he woke up. "I want steak and eggs."

On any other normal day, I would have cringed at the thought of a steak. Now, meat is so appetizing. I've had strange cravings, as you already know. I crave peaches in Cocoa Puffs, maple syrup over French fries with salt, pickles and vanilla ice cream (to die for) and chocolate pudding with potato chips (you have to layer the potato chips then mix together for crunchiness) and sautéed onion sandwiches with cheddar cheese. Strange as they may sound, I have never tasted food so good.

My parents are up and around.

"You better go make breakfast," I say as I continue to brush my hair. "They'll think you don't care about me."

Gil kisses me on my cheek then I turn around so he can kiss the baby. He's going to be a great dad. I don't doubt him, I doubt myself. My experiences with kids haven't exactly been what I hoped for. There was no bonding and they were always taken away. I begin to cry as I think of how fragile relationships could be.

"Honey, what's the matter?" Griss asks me.

"Nothing," I snap. "Just go and make breakfast. Leave me alone." Suddenly, my world crumbles around me and I cry hysterically. I'm miserable. Grissom is probably thinking I'm a madwoman, crying all the time, having mood swings, the cravings, and worst of all, as of late, complaining about my clothes getting too tight. I have to buy bigger clothes to wear.

He's still standing behind me looking like a bumbling idiot.

"What are you still standing here for?" I nearly yell. "Go and make some breakfast!"

He jumps at the inflection of my voice and he exits the bathroom. Having vented, and taken out all my frustrations on Gil, I feel much better. I go back to brushing my hair.

Once I shower and get dressed, breakfast is nearly ready and my mouth is watering at the thought of a nice juicy steak waiting for me.

I head downstairs and greet my parents.

"Good morning," I say as I sit at the table with them.

"Good morning," they say in unison. They look at each other and smile. My parents are unusually happy today…I wonder why.

"Hmm, what has you two in such a good mood?" I ask, hoping that they looked on the brighter side of my pregnancy.

Mama chuckles gleefully for a minute, then she answers, "Your brother called us late last night and told us that he was getting married!"

Shit. There goes my chance at pleasing them. My older perfect brother, George Sidle, is always getting praise for his accomplishments…which are far and few in between, but he can make mistakes, not Sara…Sara can't be happy with the man she loves. I can't even have a decent conversation with my parents.

"Really," I say, trying to sound excited. "That's great."

"Sara, you don't sound the least bit enthused," Dad says to me.

Of course not. Now that I think about it, Gil hasn't proposed to me yet…not that I want him to yet, but it would be nice. No, I have to shake those thoughts from my mind. I have to focus on this baby. I can't be thinking about marriage and other things. I have to think about this baby.

"So Sara, when are you and Gil going to think about getting married?" Mama asks rather indignantly.

I stare up at the ceiling in frustration.

"You just couldn't resist, could you?" I ask. "Why is it that everything I do warrants an argument, or, or criticism? Why can't you just be happy for me? Why can't you just accept the choices that I made and go with it? I'm you daughter for God's sake. Don't I deserve a little bit of credit for what I've done?"

Mama just stares at me indignantly. Now I understand; they're ashamed of me. My parents are ashamed of me…for years I tried not to think that, pretend that it wasn't true… They are ashamed of me. Why, I don't really know. I didn't think it was possible for a parent to be ashamed of their child, but I guess it is. This is both a time for sadness and relief; I'm sad that they feel that way about me, but I'm also relieved to know that I can finally stop trying to prove myself to them. I feel strangely uplifted at this revelation.

"Well, anyway," I carry on. "Honey, are the steaks almost ready?"

"Yeah," he calls from the kitchen.

There is probably some tension between my parents, but I hardly notice. I don't notice partly because of my hunger, and because of my thoughts about showing off my pregnancy. I'm proud of it. I get up and go to the kitchen. I unbutton my jeans to relieve the straining of flesh against my size eight. I am starting to show just a little. I retrieve a soda from the refrigerator and gulp it down in under thirty seconds. Then I drink another. I have left my parents in their own little world of contempt, lament, and regret.

After I belch after three sodas, I walk over to Gil and kiss him, still thinking about last night. That was great. I need to hold out on him more often…

"You are incredible," I purr. "I love you."

He kisses me back and says, "I love you too," a bit surprised at my display of affection in front of my parents.

Gil knew that she was going through one of her mood swings. One second, she was nearly in tears about her parents treating her like a little girl, and the next, she was seductive and frisky. As she walked by she smacked his butt. It was strange how she worked.

"You fascinate me," he said admiringly.

She turned and smiled at him. Her parents were giving him the eye. He didn't know how to avoid their steely gaze that their daughter gave him sometimes. All he could do was finish cooking breakfast and be as nice as possible to them. Sara sat down at the table and waited patiently (which was a first) for breakfast.

He put everything on serving dishes, that Sara hand picked from Tuesday Morning (He practically had to drag her out of there every time she went in), and set the food on the table. Sara was the first to pile food on her plate, then everyone else followed. Gil was trying to signal to Sara to slow down as she ate because her parents were appalled at her appetite. A part of him didn't want to interrupt her equilibrium; she was fine, and he knew how much she loved his cooking, especially now that she was having their child. She had fallen into some kind of strange Zen that he could not comprehend, nor want to break her from. Another part of him wanted to stop her and make her eat slowly, because of her parents, and because he knew she would get sick either with indigestion, or vomiting.

"Sara," he started. "Baby, slow down."

She looked at him and smiled. "Sorry, just a little hungry," she pauses as her mood changes yet again. "Because you got me knocked up in the first place, so now, I'm eating like a wild animal because this kid needs food to grow. This is all your fault Gil, so don't talk to me."

God, sometimes that man pisses me off. Who is he to tell me to slow down when I'm eating? I'm hungry. I know he's just telling me this to please my parents. I don't care what they think of me. I'm the one carrying this kid around inside of my body for the next six months. I see that Gil is trying to take my hand.

"Don't touch me," I command with an edge to my voice.

My parents begin to eat their food, still looking at me like a crazy person. Oh God. I am crazy! I'm a nutcase! I don't know whether to blame it on hormones or myself, but I feel a definite imbalance here. Everything in this world around me seems surreal and brighter, sometimes out of place. I can't function being pregnant. I want my body back! I want it back now! This baby has taken over everything on my body: my breasts, my butt, my hips, my back, my feet, my abdomen, my brain. When will it end?

I feel a tear trickling down my cheek. Before I know it, I'm crying hysterically at the table with a piece of steak in my mouth. God, I hate being so emotional.

Gil immediately took her hand and rubbed her back.

"Honey, what's wrong this time?" He asked. "Do you not like your breakfast?"

"No, no, it's great," Sara answered, gaining some composure only to start crying again. "Everything's great," she wailed. "I don't even know why I'm crying."

"What's wrong with her?" Julian asked.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with her," Marie Sidle said firmly. "She's pregnant and she needs a woman's support right now. Step aside Dr. Grissom."

Gil did as he was told. Marie Sidle was tenacious, confident, and, as he noticed from the night before, she was a bookworm. All of those traits were passed on to Sara.

"C'mon Sara doll," her mother commanded. "Let's go upstairs."

Sara secretly liked it when her mother called her "doll". It was a much better pet name than "honey" or "sweetie". To Sara, it sounded simple and unique.

Sara got up and followed her mother upstairs. Gil was left alone with Julian Sidle. The awkwardness was killing him, and without Sara, he was practically a fish ready for the fry. Julian was obviously upset at the fact that his daughter was pregnant out of wedlock, and to put the frosting on the cake, she was pregnant by an older man. Gil felt like the runt pickle in the jar with the biggest pickle that hadn't been eaten. It was amazing that he felt that way because he was almost Julian's age were it not for the ten year difference.

Gil began to eat his breakfast, deciding not to speak until spoken to.

"Mama," I start tearfully as I lie down in bed. "Do you hate me?"

I can see the utter shock at my words.

"No Sara," she says. "No, I don't hate you, I love you."

"Then why are you and daddy so stubborn?" I ask wiping a tear from my cheek. "I love Gil, and I'm having his baby. I can't change that," I whisper. "I don't want to change that. Please give Gil a chance. He's a wonderful man, and he would never hurt me."

I hear my mother sigh at my confessions. I hope that she has a change of heart because I really don't have the emotional strength to deal with either of my parents' passive aggressive behavior. My heart is completely open and the walls I built around them so many years ago have crumbled and they are a little too heavy for me to ever build up again. I'm having this baby, and this baby is coming whether I like it or not, want it or not. Maybe it's like what Gina said: once you see their tiny little amneonic fluid covered faces, you'll be so sure about it, no regrets.

"Sara," Mama starts. "I just want what's best for you. You're our only daughter. After we had you, I had to have a hysterectomy because of some complications. Not because of you though. Anyway, you were so different. You wouldn't let me do your hair for you, you didn't like dresses, you didn't wear much makeup until your senior prom…you were just so uncanny that it outright scared your daddy and I."

I think back on my childhood. I was a rather strange child. I was in to exploring, tutoring, reading, writing…all of the things that weren't acceptable for an innkeeper's daughter. I didn't care much about that title, nor tending to the B&B. I was concerned about excelling in class and making a life for myself. You could call me a rebel, but I hardly went out. I just didn't want to follow in my parents' footsteps.

"But why have you been so cold and distant over the years?" I ask.

"Well, we were angry because we couldn't understand you, and knew that we never made an effort," Mama answers. "We thought that once you went off to Boston, we lost you forever. I really don't understand you Sara doll. I feel like I'm supposed to because you're my daughter, but, you're not just my daughter, you're your own person, and I can't expect to understand you completely, but I'll try and make an effort."

I smile. No matter how many problems my mother and I have, we always manage to find common ground. So strong is the bond between mother and daughter. Will I have that kind of relationship with my daughter? That is if I have a girl. I'm finding myself slowly accepting and loving this baby.

"I feel so rotten now," I admit.

"Why baby?" Mama asks.

"Because I told Gil that I didn't want this baby," I explain. "I still don't really want it…I'm not ready. I can't do this…motherhood thing. Sara Sidle, CSI and mother. That just doesn't go together."

Mama begins to stroke my hair as she responds to my confession. "Well Sara doll," she started. "Sometimes, when things don't sound right, that doesn't mean that it wasn't meant to be. I think that you and Gil are going to be excellent parents. You just have to give yourself time."

I begin to cry again. Dammit! I've got to stop doing this! Every moment of everyday I cry. I think Gil is getting tired of it. He's always trying to comfort me, but he fails miserably. All he does is take my hand and rub my back and he tells me that everything is going to be okay.

"Sara, c'mon dear," Mama says. "Please stop crying. Gil won't appreciate those tear streaked cheeks."

I sit up and wipe my tears. Gil won't appreciate my crying at all.

Gil sat at the table wondering what made Sara so hysterical in the first place. Was it him? He didn't know, but the eyes of Julian Sidle were burning right through him and he felt a thin layer of sweat form on his forehead. Maybe he did do something to Sara.

Yeah, he thought. I got her pregnant.

"So, what kind of plan do you have for taking care of my daughter and your child?" He asked. "This place is no place to raise a child. Children need space and they require a lot of time."

"Yes I understand that sir," Gil said. "Mr. Sidle, I love your daughter and I love the baby she's carrying. I swear to you and to her that I would give her the world. All she has to do is ask and I'll do it. She told me she wanted to paint my walls, I let her do it. She wanted the nursery to be painted, I obliged her. I love her more than you'll ever know, sir. I will love and take care of both her and the baby."

"That's good," Julian said. "But you haven't answered my question."

"Oh right," Gil stumbled nervously. "We haven't really made any crucial decisions…except that Sara wants to breastfeed…" he mentally kicked himself at that point. "But we still have a while yet. Sara is pretty emotional right now, and quite frankly, I'm the last person she wants to talk to right now. Her moods have been…"

For the first time, Julian laughed. "Yeah, I remember those days," he started. "When Marie was pregnant with Sara, whoa Nelly, did she have a bad attitude. I mean every waking minute she was changing her moods. Either she wanted affection, or she wanted to give me a black eye."

Both men chuckled. It was the first time they had gotten along.

"I will take care of Sara and the baby," Gil promised. "I would never hurt her or leave her."

Julian nodded. "I know you wouldn't."

Gil was relieved that some of the tension had been dissolved.

Marie came downstairs and joined the men at the table again.

"How is she?" Gil asked.

"She's exhausted. She fell asleep a few minutes ago," Marie answered.

Gil excused himself and went upstairs to check on her. He snuck into the bedroom and observed her as she slept peacefully. He saw the swell in her abdomen. He thought he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Her belly was round and firm. She didn't have any stretch marks yet. He couldn't wait to see those, nor could he wait for her belly to get larger until it was pushed to its limit. He wanted to feel the baby kick inside her body and roll around comfortably, knowing that his or her mother was the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world.

She rolled over onto her back and sighed in her sleep. With her in that position, he could see that her breasts had swelled to a considerably larger size. Her nipples were firm and erect all the time; poking through her shirts and bras. She wasn't wearing a bra today. Her breasts were full and they sagged a bit, full of nourishing milk.

He lay down beside her and ran his hand over her changing body. His hand went from her thigh to her jeans. He pulled them down to where her pubic hair started and caressed her belly. The skin of her belly was soft and firm. He tugged her shirt up and started to make lazy, haphazard shapes on her tummy with his finger. His hand splayed across her belly and moved up to her breasts. He lightly caressed them, so as not to cause any pain for her. They sat comfortably, undisturbed, and they kept swelling. His caresses became caresses of wonder and amazement. He never knew that Sara's body could be so versatile and prepared for the invasion of his seed meeting her egg and making a baby. He was a man of science, and it still intrigued him.

Just when he thought that things couldn't be better, he felt a tiny ripple against his palm. For a moment, he thought that it was his imagination. He pulled his hand away, looking for evidence of a ripple. He saw none. He replaced his hand on her belly. After a few moments, he felt another small ripple. The baby was kicking. It was a foot or something, making a crest in Sara's belly. He ran his hand over it, then it smoothed back down. He felt his child's first kicks. He looked up at the still sleeping Sara and grinned at her. He felt her long fingers rest over her belly as she prepared to change positions again in her sleep. He scooted over so that she could roll onto her side. Never had he seen a sight so beautiful in his life.

***

Thanksgiving is approaching and I have not gone shopping yet. I need to, but I'm so tired. I can hardly get out of bed because of exhaustion. I'm four months pregnant now and I'm hating it. I'm big. The baby started kicking. I can feel it rolling around and kicking my insides like a punching bag. Gil is so excited. He's in a new light. He's acting like he's on drugs or something. Every minute he's asking if I need or want anything. It's sweet yet annoying. Every second he's propping my feet up, or bringing me something to eat (trying to fatten me up even more, as if I need it) or something to drink. I went in to the hospital for another ultrasound the other day and Grissom and I got a picture of our baby at four months. Gil was elated, I was thinking that it looked deformed.

"Why must you be so negative?" Gil asks.

"I'm not being negative," I defend, adding nothing more.

Well anyway, I'm not negative, it's just that it did look deformed, but it's natural, I suppose. It just looks like well sculpted jelly fish , floating around within me. Sucking the life out of me through my uterus. The details of what goes on during pregnancy don't freak me out. What goes on internally I don't have a problem with. But externally, I feel incapacitated.

Gil just left for work, and now, I'm up, in full insomniac mode and unable to control my hunger. I get up and raid the fridge. I make myself a huge sandwich and grab a bag of chips and three sodas. What's on the sandwich would, on an ordinary day, look disgusting, but right now, it looks like the most inviting, delicious morsel to ever pass my lips. I have tomato, cheese, peanut butter, a few slices of left over grilled chicken and some olives. I turn on TLC. Ah, Maternity Ward is on. A bunch of women in labor for hours giving birth to their children. This is what I have to look forward to? Excruciating pain and agony for hours on end? I don't think I want to do this anymore. I definitely don't want to do this anymore. I want out of this pregnancy!

I pick up the phone and call Gil.

"Grissom," he answers.

"Griss," I cry. "I don't want to have a baby anymore. I don't want to be pregnant anymore! I can't do it!"

"Sara," he started slowly. "Do you want me to come home?"

I sniffle before answering. "No, it's just that I'm scared."

"Scared of what baby?" Gil presses.

"Of everything," I say. "I'm scared of every single little thing. What if nothing goes the way we planned? What if I lose this baby? What if I die?"

"Sara, 'what if' is not a part of your vocabulary," Gil says calmly. "You'll be fine baby, I promise. I'll be damned before I let anything happen to you or the baby."

I smile at his words. He spoke them gruffly, yet calmly. I feel so much better. Gil knows how and when to use the right words. Especially with me. He had to practice a bit before he really knew how to communicate with me without him putting me off and vice versa.

"Honey, why don't you get some rest?" Gil suggests. "I'll be home early."

"Okay," I agree, trying to suppress a yawn. "I love you."

"I love you too," Gil says back. "Go to bed, baby. Bye."

"Bye," I say.

I wrap up my sandwich and head up to our room. I didn't realize how tired I was until I lay down in the bed. The baby is pulling a double, it seems. It keeps on kicking and rolling around just when I want to sleep. I go to sleep despite the little athlete within my body.

I manage to get a couple of hours of sleep. The nagging chore of Thanksgiving shopping keeps on tugging at my memory. I look at the clock. It's three in the morning. Hmm…venture should be open still. Duh, it's open twenty four hours. I get up and put some tight- fitting jeans and a t-shirt a size now too small on and head out to the store.

As I drive to the store, soft music is playing. It apparently pleases the baby because its rolling around comfortably and it rests on my left side, causing my belly to become lopsided.

I go through the aisles, grabbing things that I knew we would need and threw them into the basket. The turkey. They're all gigantic turkeys. I try to bend over and get one, but my belly prevents me from doing so without causing a scene.

"Excuse me," I call to a clerk, now exhausted from effort. "Can you help me?"

He notices my condition, and chuckles. "Of course. Which one do you want, ma'am?"

"That one please," I say, pointing to the doomed uncooked bird.

The clerk pick it up and puts it into my basket. After that he just stands there looking at me rather strangely.

"Thank you," I say, hinting that he's been dismissed.

"Would you like some help with this ma'am?" He asks.

I notice that I've been carrying around another cart with me.

"Oh, thanks," I say.

By the time I leave the store, I have three clerks assisting me. It's nearly five o'clock in the morning.. Gil is going to know that I've been up.

I put the food away. Never have I seen our fridge so full before. I bought more food than we can possibly eat in a week. I close the fridge and scratch my belly as I open the freezer and get some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Mmm…

I turn on the to the news. The weather report says that it will rain on Thanksgiving. The rain will be welcome. It'll make it feel a little more like autumn. San Francisco was nice in the fall. I really do miss that city. I admit, my only reason for coming to Vegas and staying is Grissom. The first time we met was at a seminar in college. Never had I seen a man more sexy than him. The moment our eyes met, a warm sensation ran all through my body. It wasn't lust, it was something else, although I never wanted a man more than I wanted Gil, but it was something life changing. I knew that I had found my soul mate. I wonder what Grissom thought about me when our eyes met…

"Hey sweetie," I call as Gil comes through the door as I stuff my face with ice cream

"Hey baby," he says as he comes over to me and kisses me. "Ooh, your lips are cold."

"Why don't you warm them up for me?" I suggest seductively.

He chuckles as he leans down to kiss me sensually, both hands on my belly. The baby kicks, almost disapprovingly and we pull away.

"I don't think the baby appreciated that," I whisper. "It's already got mental images."

Gil smiles and kisses me again before heading to the kitchen. I stare at his butt. He's lost some weight and he looks good. I'm surprised that he still finds me attractive even if I'm getting fat. Uh oh, he's opening the fridge.

"Sara," he starts accusingly. "When did you go shopping?"

"About two hours ago," I say. There's no point in lying now.

"Sara, you should really start going to sleep at night," he says. "I know your body clock is off, but please try and get some sleep at night."

I smile, silently promising to try to go to bed at night.

He comes back over to me and takes my spoon and takes a scoop of ice cream before handing it back to me.

"Hey!" I shout whilst laughing.

The phone rings and Gil goes to answer.

"Hello?"

I listen in, being the nosy person that I am.

"This is kind of a bad time…can't it wait? You don't understand, my girlfriend is pregnant and Idon't want to leave her here by herself…"

I wonder what's going on.

He sighs. "Okay."

He hangs up and comes over to me and puts both hands on my belly.

"Baby, I have to fly out to New York for the next four days."

My face falls, as a tear falls down my cheek. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving alone?

"But Gil you promised…" I whine.

"I know," he says, kissing my belly. "I know. You can spend Thanksgiving with the rest of the team."

"I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with the team. I want to spend it with you. Why did you back down so easily?"

"Baby, I'm sorry," he says sincerely.

He just doesn't know how ticked off I am at him. I am too angry to speak to him right now.

"I don't care what you do Gil," I say, pushing his hand off me and go upstairs.

Gil was hurt just as much as Sara. He knew how much spending Thanksgiving together meant to her. She was still rather foul about her pregnancy, and he figured if he stayed, then she would be a little more excited about the baby. He looked upstairs to find some suits and a coat for him to wear to New York.

She works fast, he thought to himself. He liked her choices. He could hear her sobs within their bedroom. He broke her heart. As much as he wanted to go in there and comfort her, he refrained because he knew that she was very angry and her anger would be the death of him.

"Bye baby," he says to me. I don't say anything.

We kiss each other quickly before he gets in line to board his flight.

I went in to work later on that evening. I have on one of Gil's shirts and some stretch pants on that look like jeans. This attire is much more comfortable and it accommodates my belly.

I avoid conversation with everyone I know including Greg, who is my one true friend right now. The very thought of being in the same room with all those dimwits makes me angry. I can't stand them. They always joke about me being pregnant and my abilities of handling future motherhood. I have no support from anybody, with the exception of Gil. My parents are happy that I'm having a baby, but they weren't really involved in my life, which is okay because I'm a private person anyway, but I would like for them to be involved in their grandchild's life. Wishful thinking on my part. I run into Warrick on the way to my office.

"Hey girl," he says. "It's been quiet without you. How are you?"

"Fine," I say shortly. "Warrick I would really love to chat, but I'm not in the mood. I just want to be left alone if you don't mind."

"No, not at all," he says cordially. "See you around."

"Okay," I say.

I pick up a stack of paperwork and put them on my desk. I begin to cry.

"Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" I wail to my womb. "Why did you have to fertilize cause all this misery? You're making mommy a very unhappy woman."

I said mommy. That's what this baby will call me; mommy. The thought makes me cry even harder.

"Hey Sara," a familiar female voice calls. "Sara, why are you crying so hard."

"Because my life sucks," I cry. "Just go away Catherine, you're the last person I want to talk to about my problems."

Catherine huffs a breath and stomps down the hallway in an obvious rage.

I manage to get through the shift with my mind still sane. As soon as I hit the bed to go to sleep, the phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer in my lethargy.

"Hey it's me," Catherine says. "I was wondering if you wanted to come over for Thanksgiving dinner since Gil left."

"No, but thanks for offering," I say.

"Okay," she says. "Well, do you want us to bring you something, or come over for a couple of hours, keep you company?"

"No," I say.

"Okay, then," she says, bit crestfallen.

"Bye," I say.

"Bye ," she says, but I hang up the phone before hand.

Catherine felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist as she hung up the phone.

"Did you tell her?" Warrick asked.

"No," Catherine answered. "She's in such a bad mood. I feel so awful about my behavior towards her. She hates us all."

"She'll lighten up," Warrick said as he kissed her neck.

It's Thanksgiving morning and I'm miserable. We were supposed to do everything together. Now I'm cooking a whole dinner by myself to eat by myself. I call my mother and talk to her as I make dinner.

"I can't believe he backed down so easily!" I say into the phone angrily. "How can he just leave me at home by myself?"

"Gil loves you," Mama says to me. "No one knows that better than you do. I'm sure he would have stayed if whatever it was wasn't important."

"But he promised that we'd spend Thanksgiving together," I say. "He broke his promise."

"Everything happens for a reason," she says.

"Yeah," I say while draining some noodles for macaroni and cheese. "Well the only reason why this whole seminar thing is happening is so it can piss me off even more."

"Don't talk like that Sara," Mama says.

"Don't talk like what?" I ask. "Piss isn't a bad word, it's a bodily function."

"Sara Jane Sidle," Mama warns.

"Okay, I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm sorry Mama. I've been so weird lately. Every little thing sets me off."

"I remember those days," she chuckles.

"Well Mama, I better go," I say. "Love you, bye."

"Bye," she says, then we hang up at the same time.

It's six o'clock in the evening and dinner is almost ready. I'm putting frosting on the cake. How ironic. I laugh a bit as I continue to frost the thick sweetness onto the cake. The only thing left cooking is the turkey. All I have to do is put the pie in the oven and baste the turkey. The phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey," Gil says.

I sigh heavily before replying, "Hey."

"I bet the kitchen smells good," he says, trying to beat around my burning bush.

"It does," I say flatly.

"Chocolate cake…" he chuckles. "My favorite."

I smirk. "How do you know I made a chocolate cake? It could be white."

"I saw you frosting it."

"Having fantasies about me in the kitchen?" I ask playfully.

"No," he say practically. "Why would I need to fantasize if I'm standing right behind you?"

I smile and turn around only to see nothing. "Uh, you're going to have to do better than that baby."

"Well, how about this?"

He surprises me and spins me around. We kiss passionately. He pulls away and kneels down to kiss my belly.

"Much better," I say breathlessly.

"I couldn't stay away from you and the baby another minute," he explained, rubbing my belly. "The day I got to New York, I tried to get a flight back as soon as possible."

"I don't care," I say hugging him. "I'm just glad that you're home."

I smile and pull away from him to finish the cake. "Dinner's almost ready, baby."

I put the cake on the bar, then I go to get the turkey.

"Honey, will you set the table?"

"Yeah," he says. "Which dinnerware do you want?"

I think about it. When Gil and I first moved in together, I bought us different sets of dinnerware from a store called Tuesday Morning. There just happened to be a sale. All items were twenty to fifty percent off. I picked out four different sets of dinnerware with matching glasses and tablecloths. Gil indulged me, despite his frugal nature.

"Sara?" He calls.

"Oh, um, the green ones," I answer. I can see him grimacing at my choice, but I like them. Besides, some colors make me sick. I know it sounds weird, but it's true. I can't stand to see orange, red, blue, purple, and pink. They make me feel nauseous and dizzy. Gil thinks it is possibly the strangest thing he's ever seen in his life.

Everything concerning leaning, squatting, or bending has been made awkward by my belly. I have to find ways to contort my body to accommodate my belly. As I try and retrieve the cooked bird from the oven, my back begins to ache.

"Ow, ow, ow," I moan. Gil immediately rushes to me in a panic.

"What's wrong? Are you having contractions?" He asks. I just look at him as if he's lost his mind. "I'll call the hospital and you go upstairs and get your bag."

"I'm fine, honey," I say smiling. "I'm not having any contractions. Too early. And even if I was, why would I be going upstairs to get my bag?"

Gil chuckles. "You're right," he says. "I'm sorry. What's hurting on you?"

"My back is aching," I say as I sit down on a stool. He begins to massage my back. I can feel the pain melting away with his touch.

"You shouldn't be standing up so much," he says.

"Don't start, I'm fine," I say, in no mood for a lecture.

"Baby, I'm serious," he says. "You're pregnant-"

"Good observation," I quip. "They don't call you Dr. Grissom for nothing."

"Sara," he says, now standing in front of me and holding my hands. "You can't do everything that you used to. There's a reason why you're tired and achy, and hungry all the time. The baby needs your help to grow. Don't you want a healthy baby Sara? Don't you want to be healthy and be able to have more children if you wanted them?"

"Yeah," I say. "It's just that after this baby is born, nothing's going to be the same. I'm just trying to get it all out of my system."

"Well, you really need to rest, honey," Gil instructs.

"I will," I promise. I look down at my belly as my stomach grumbles. "I'm hungry."

"Well, the food is ready, and the table is set," Gil says. "You should be stuffing yourself in no time Ms. Sidle."

I smile and get up to try and attempt to get the turkey out of the oven.

"Sara, did everything I just said go through one ear and out the other?" He chuckles. "Why don't you go sit

down, and I'll bring the food."

I sit down at the table and wait patiently for Gil to bring out Thanksgiving dinner. He definitely owes me for cooking all that food.

When the food is on the table, we smile at each other.

"Champagne for me," Gil says. "And iced tea for you."

"Gil, the doctor said it wouldn't hurt if I had just one glass," I whine.

"Sara, that was when you first got pregnant. You can't have alcohol now," he says.

I groan. Oh well. Iced tea is good too.

He pours some tea into a champagne glass and hands it to me. He pours some champagne into his, then he raises his glass.

"A toast," he starts. "To the most beautiful woman in the world, to the baby, and to us."

We touch our glasses then we enjoy our Thanksgiving together. We spend the better part of the evening eating…at least I did. I never thought that I could be so hungry. I'm glad that Gil isn't disgusted by my appetite. In fact, I think that he's rather happy that I'm eating more than usual. I feel less disgusted with myself knowing this.

"Oh God," I moan. "I'm so full. Full of baby and food."

Gil smiles at me.

"Seriously, I think I just gained five pounds," I say.

"Well if that's true," Gil says as he comes over to me. "Those are the most beautiful five pounds I've ever seen."

I kiss him sensually. "Hmm…let's hurry up and get the kitchen cleaned up so I can ravage your body."

We clean up and put food away. I fuss at Gil the whole time about how to put the food away in the fridge. He just stops and glares at me and I stop. That's what I meant about him being more aggressive. Now I want him more than ever.

"Finally," I sigh as I wrap up the last of the food. "I think we have enough food to feed China."

"I think we have enough to feed China, Africa, and India," Gil quips as we stare at our refrigerator. It is stocked full. The light is even dimmed.

"Now, you sexy, sexy, handsome man," I purr. "Get over here."

Gil saunters over to me and I pull him into a passionate kiss. We go upstairs and I almost rip my clothes off. Gil removes his clothes just as quickly. I push him down on the bed and crawl on top of him. As I kiss him, a strange thought crosses my mind. I pull away to glance southward and then I get off of him immediately.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"What if, while we're making love, what if your," I stop to point. "Hits the baby's head and causes brain damage or something?"

He's looking at me like I've gone bonkers, which I have, but that's not the point.

"Sara, I don't think that's going to happen," he says.

"Just hold me tonight," I say, laying down, facing him.

"Okay," he consents.

He wraps his arm around my waist and brings me closer. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving," I say. I kiss him then go to sleep. By him coming home to me, said more to me than what he intended. It said to me that it didn't matter what came up on the job or otherwise, he had a family now, and he would never let anything get in the way of his family.

***

I get out of the shower one morning and I look at myself in the mirror. Four more months to go. I'm fat. My belly button is now a new protrusion on my body. My hair is longer, past my shoulders, and thicker. I haven't cut it yet because Gil doesn't mind. My breasts…I'm not even going to talk about them. Gil doesn't mind those either. My face is nice and plump and chubby. I suppose that's okay. But my hands and feet…dear God in Heaven…my fingers and toes look like Vienna sausages. My BUTT.

"Oh my God," I gasp. "Mommy's got some serious work to do when you come out of there."

I frown at my appearance, and turn off the bathroom light.

"Good morning," Gil says to me, whilst making our bed.

"Morning," I say, rather forlornly. I put on a robe and begin to brush out my hair. Gil comes up behind me and kisses my neck. His kisses send heat all throughout my body. He opens my robe and caresses my belly and then his hands travel lower. I turn around and face him, letting the robe fall to the floor. I kiss him passionately.

"Hmm…" I mumble through our kiss. "You keep this up, and we'll never get out of here."

"C'mon Sara," Gil pleads. "It's been nearly three months." His hands travel down to cup my big butt.

"Hmm…you have been deprived," I say smiling.

On Thanksgiving, Catherine and Warrick announced that they were getting married. That's why Gil and I got up early this morning. We got up only to spend the next couple of hours making passionate love to each other.

We are going to meet Catherine and Warrick for breakfast to discuss the wedding. She wants me to be her bridesmaid. I accepted, but the only hitch in that is that she wants me to wear purple. Purple makes me sick, but it's her wedding so, I'll just try and quell my nausea when I wear it.

Now that Catherine is the bride-to-be-for-the-second-time, everyone at work is at her side talking to her, giving her gifts and advice. She is like the popular girl at a high school. It's just that now she's getting all the attention. If I'm carrying around a box or something, no one offers to help, but when Catherine walks into a room, everyone is at her beck and call. I'm not jealous or anything. I don't have to energy. I just keep wondering what I did that was so wrong that I deserve to be treated like and outcast. I know that I wasn't the nicest person to grace the lab, but I want to make friends now. I have to mend the relationship with my old friends though, and I don't think that's possible anymore.

I put on a pair of blue jeans and a black lace up shirt. I didn't buy maternity clothes. Those have got to be the ugliest pieces of apparel to sit on store racks. I just bought all of my favorite clothes in bigger sizes.

I put my long hair half up half down and put soft waves in it. I don't even bother with make up.

"You look beautiful," Gil says.

"Really? As simple as I look?" I ask.

"Yes, you do," he says.

On the way to the restaurant, I begin to think about this baby. I really don't know how to feel about this baby. I feel a sort of numbness at this point. I look out the window. The world seems a bit brighter and the colors are more vivid and crisper…it must be the sun. There are times when I can't believe that I'm pregnant. I don't feel that I shouldn't be anymore, I've gotten over that. Now it's just that I don't know if I love it or not. I don't think I deserve this baby. This baby was meant for someone else. Gil and I have plenty of time to have children. Then again, maybe not. Gil is so excited that I think he's going to burst. Never have I seen him so happy. Why can't I be happy?

"What do you think about the offer from Washington D.C.?" Gil asks me.

I look at him. "I don't know."

"It's a great opportunity, baby," He encourages. "Wherever you go, I'll follow."

I sent in an application for director of Administrations for the Washington D.C. Forensics Laboratories on a whim. I didn't think I'd get the position. I got a letter about a week ago saying that I got the position. They are offering me a very generous salary, which by the way, pays a hell of a lot better than Las Vegas does. The only conflict I have with filling the position is Gil' supervising position here. I don't want to take that away from him.

"What about your position here?" I ask. "What about the rest of the team?"

"If you take this position, I'll put in to have Catherine run the rest of the team," Gil says. "I think you should take the job Sara."

I just sigh and look out the window again.

We get to the restaurant, and I see Warrick holding Catherine in an embrace and kissing her softly while saying things to her in between kisses. They're a sexy couple. I'm happy for them, I really I am. They dated forever. Three years to be exact. They took forever to actually date, and then everyone wondered when they were going to tie the knot. Next, they're going to be wondering when they're going to have a baby. I have to admit, I'm wondering too. Well, from the way Catherine looked sometimes coming into work, she'll be pregnant in no time…no pressure.

Gil parks close to the door so that I won't have to walk far. My feet and my back are killing me. He helps me out of the car.

"Hey," I say as I fix myself. I scratch my belly.

"Hey," Catherine says happily. She comes over to me and pats my belly. "When are you due?"

"April thirteenth," I say.

"What are you having?" Warrick asked.

Why the sudden interest in my pregnancy? "We don't know yet."

"I think it's a boy," Catherine guesses. "Your tummy is kinda growing out rather than round."

"I hope it's a girl," Gil says, putting an arm around my waist. "I've always wanted a little girl."

"Where's Nicky and Greggo?" I ask.

"Late as usual," Warrick says while looking at his watch.

Just then, Nick and Greg drive up. I swear, Nick drives like a bat out of hell. It must be a Texas thing, because he drives a truck and he drives it fast. They pull into a space and get out.

"Good morning everyone," Nick says cordially. "Whoa man Sara. When are you due?"

"In April," I answer.

We go inside and the first place I head to is the restroom. I have got to pee so bad. The baby rolled right on to my bladder. I go into the first stall and go. Thank you God. Never have I had to use the restroom this bad before…or this long either. I sigh with relief as I walk out of the restroom when I'm through.

I go back to the table and sit in a chair next to Gil. He puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses my cheek. God, never have I seen so much love in a room. Catherine and Warrick are just sickening. They are across from us making puppy dog eyes at each other and whispering sweet nothings to each other. Nick and Greg are on the ends of the table and they are looking through the menu, completely ignoring us. I'm hungry. I look through the menu myself. An omelet sounds good…steak and eggs…biscuits and gravy, my personal favorite.

A waiter comes to take our orders. Catherine and Warrick start at the same time and look at one another. Catherine goes first. They are cute yet sickening. All that will change after the wedding and the honeymoon is over.

"So, have you guys picked out any names?" Nick asked.

"No," I answer.

There is an awkward silence, then Catherine speaks. "Sara, what's bothering you?"

I look over at Gil, silently asking if I should tell the team about the job offer. He nods.

"I uh," I hesitate for a second, then continue. "I sent in an application for director, and I got the job."

Everyone congratulates me, but I'm not finished yet. "And it's in Washington D.C."

They all look at me. I can tell from their faces that they are surprised.

"In D.C.?" Catherine asks, incredulously.

"Yeah," I answer shortly.

"Sara, that's so far away," Catherine says.

"I know," I say. "I'm not sure if I want to fill the position yet, so you don't have to worry about it right now."

"But if you do decide to go, you're there for good?" Nick asks, rather sadly.

"Yeah," I say. "You guys, nothing's set in stone yet, so stop worrying. Don't we have a wedding to plan?"

The mood lightens as we begin to discuss plans for Catherine and Warrick's wedding.

"I think we should have chicken and beef that way everyone's happy," Catherine suggested. "The menu doesn't have to be that complicated."

"Yes dear," Warrick says sarcastically.

"That's right," Catherine says as she smiles. "It's my way or the highway."

"As far as this wedding is concerned," Warrick says. "This is strictly a woman's arena. I agree with your every word."

"Who's your Matron of Honor?" I ask.

"Jackie," she answers. "Although my sister is trying to take over everything."

We just discussed the minor details that needed to be worked out for the wedding. Catherine already had her dress and shoes. The bridesmaids' dresses and shoes would be delivered on the wedding day, and the menu the guests' choice of beef or chicken. The wedding date was going to be on New Year's Eve. The wedding would start at eight in the evening and the reception would go on until two in the morning on New Year's Day. Catherine had the whole thing down to a science, and it was going to be a rather large wedding.

I wish them the best of luck.

Christmas is almost here, and Gil and I are looking for a tree. It's cold out here. I wish Gil would hurry up and find a tree. I don't want a huge tree. I don't want a Charlie Brown tree either.

As I follow Gil like his shadow, I think about the offer from D.C. It would take me away from my friends. I would miss them terribly, but I think that our friendship has come to a crossroads. Catherine and Warrick are getting married soon, and Catherine said that she might even take a few years off to have another child, Greg is almost a CSI level three, and Nick is about to get a promotion…I think we're heading our separate ways. It was fun while it lasted. That doesn't mean that we can't keep in touch with each other. I would love for us to get together again after a few years and talk about our times together, have our kids meet. That would be great.

Gil really wants me to take this job. I'm worried about him though. Would he be able to find a supervising position there? I don't want him to have to start over…he's worked so hard for everything he has, but he insists that I fill the position.

"Honey, what about this one?" Gil asks me.

I look at the tree and smile. "It's perfect."

Gil smiles and then he deals with the business for the tree. I listen to the Christmas music echoing across the street from the mall. Funny how in Las Vegas, there's no way to actually have Christmas lights because there's lights everywhere. The only way to see Christmas lights is away from the city. Las Vegas truly is the city of light.

"C'mon honey," He says, taking my hand.

In the car, I warm my hands up. I look out the window as I do so. I begin to think about this baby that is about to enter this world and our lives forever. Everything is going to change dramatically. Our house, for a short time, will be cluttered with bottles, baby formula, baby food, toys, diapers, blankets, spit up rags, and dirty clothes. We will be tired and exhausted from the baby's crying and midnight feedings. We'll have to sing lullabies and rock the baby to sleep when it wanted attention.

Everything at this moment seems to be falling in place…

"Gil," I start. "I'm taking the position."

I wake up early on Christmas Day. I get out of bed and open the curtains to a bright, sunny day. Gil is still asleep. I'll let him sleep for a few more hours then he's got to wake up and start cooking dinner. I know that Catherine is growing more impatient as her wedding day draws nearer. Just five more days and she'll be Mrs. Brown.

I go downstairs and turn on the television and make some hot tea. I miss coffee. Of course, chamomile helps soothe the baby, and it soothes contractions as well. I ease myself onto the couch and turn on the Christmas parade in New York. I sip the tea. The holidays are something I really truly enjoy. Now I can enjoy it even more because Gil is with me. Christmas isn't going to be lonely any more. I have someone to share opening gifts with, and eating dinner with. No more take out for Christmas dinner.

The baby is rolling around rather frantically within me. This tea is supposed to help calm the baby. It's kicking and punching me.

"What is wrong with you?" I ask to my womb. "It's not like you have that many gifts anyway."

Ouch…ooh, the baby did not like that at all. I glance over at our tree. It is perfect. There are gifts under it and a little train is circling it. Gil has to turn the lights on because I can't bend over and I don't feel like squatting. I can't see my feet, so now Gil has to assist me in putting on my shoes.

"Merry Christmas, honey," Gil says as he walks over to me. I kiss him.

"Merry Christmas," I say back. "Let's open gifts."

He brings all of my gifts over to me. Among my gifts is a necklace that says "MAMA" on it inscribed in a heart that is outlined with small diamond studs. It is the nicest most sweetest gift I have ever received. I got everything I wanted. I remember one Christmas where I didn't get a single thing I wanted. I wanted a pair of jellies to go with my summer outfit and I never got them. It was the eighties. The baby got everything it needed, and they were gifts from me and Gil.

We spend the rest of the day cooking and watching the Christmas specials. I can't think of a more happy Christmas than this.

***

Catherine just won't relax.

"Why don't you get married and see how relaxed you are," Catherine snaps at me.

"Cath, everything is going to be fine," I assure her. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you Sara," she says. Never have I seen a woman so on edge before. She's sitting in front of the vanity mirror, holding her bouquet stiff as a board. I swear she hasn't moved an inch since she sat down.

I am in the revolting purple dress, but I'm too worried about whether Catherine will go through with this wedding than I am about being sick at the color purple. She is a bride on edge. Gil told me that Warrick is at the same level of nervousness that Catherine is in. If they're nervous about their impending marriage, that's a good sign. I think they'll last.

"Oh God Sara," Catherine whines. "What if everything goes wrong? What if Warrick changes his mind?"

"Catherine calm down," her sister, Francine says. "He will not change his mind. Warrick loves you."

"I can't sit in here another minute," Catherine says in a state of sheer panic. "I've got to get out of here."

"Catherine, the wedding is going to start in twenty minutes," I say. "Just breathe Catherine."

She follows my instructions. Meanwhile, I take a seat myself because my back is killing me. The baby is kicking me. It's excited because I'm excited. This has been fun. Primping Catherine was quite an experience. She was very particular and it took the bridesmaids hours. I did her make up, while her sister and Jackie did her hair and her friend Marcy took care of the dress. It has been a long day, and I'm tired.

"Is the bride ready?" A runner asked.

"Yes," Francine answered. "Okay, Catherine, are you ready?"

Catherine takes a deep breath and nods.

I am so happy for Catherine. She's so in love with Warrick it's not even funny. I'm glad they're getting married on this evening, at this very moment.

"Do you Catherine Michelle Willows, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To love and to cherish in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer until death do you part?"

A tear falls down her cheek and Warrick wipes it away, and the audience chuckles. Catherine begins to chuckle herself.

"I do," she says with the widest smile.

"And do you, Warrick Brown take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love and to cherish in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer until death do you part?"

"I do," Warrick answers.

"Is there anyone among us today who believes this man and woman should not be wed, then speak now, or forever hold your peace."

Catherine and Warrick look at the audience nervously, scouting to see who might have shifty eyes and whatnot. Much to their obvious comfort, no one speaks up.

"The rings please," the reverend calls. Nick brings the rings. "Catherine, repeat after me," he commands. "With this ring…"

"With this ring…"

"I thee wed."

"I thee wed."

"Warrick," the reverend starts again. "With this ring…"

"With this ring…"

"I thee wed."

"I thee wed."

I am smiling at them now. They are going to be so happy together. Catherine can hardly contain herself. There are tears streaming down her face.

"By the power vested in me by the Lord God and the State of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife," the reverend says happily. "Warrick, you may kiss your bride."

He takes her into a gentle embrace and kisses her.

Everyone claps for the newlyweds.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Warrick Brown," The DJ announces.

Catherine and Warrick walk into the reception room hand in hand. Gil and I are seated at the head table, so our food is brought to us, thank God in Heaven, because I am starving and I did not feel like waiting in the long line for the buffet. Catherine is next to me, beaming. She and Warrick are engrossed in their own personal conversation while picking at their food. Well, if they're not going to eat it…no, that would be just rude, but that's how hungry I am.

"Are you okay, honey?" Gil asks me.

"Mmhm," I answer as I stuff my face. I'm careful not to get anything on Catherine's eggshell white dress.

I see Catherine lean in and give Warrick another kiss before turning her attention to her food.

I wonder if Gil ever considered getting married…hmm…sure, it would be great, but I don't think we can afford to think about getting married right now because the baby's on the way, and we're moving to Washington D.C. a month after the baby's born. It was a hard decision, but with Gil's support, I was able to make a decision without feeling guilty. Seeing Catherine and Warrick get married and being a part of the preparations and the ceremony means a lot to me.

"Want to dance?" Gil asks me.

"Yes," I answer. God he looks so sexy in that tux.

We dance, despite my bulging belly. Gil leans down and kisses me. I can't begin to tell you how insecure and self-conscious I feel in this dress. I feel like my ankles have been exposed for all the free world to see. I have cleavage, something that I never thought possible even as a grown woman. My breasts have grown to an impossible size; I begin to wonder why they grew so large. I plan on breastfeeding until the baby is six months old. My breasts shouldn't be this big…my butt shouldn't be this big either. I can't wait to have this baby.

"Do you want to get married?" He asks, as if he read my thoughts. I think about it for a second then smile.

"Yes," I whisper in his ear. "Not now, but someday."

Seeming satisfied with my answer, he leans in and kisses me as the song fades. As we leave the dance floor, Warrick and Catherine step on for their dance. They look good together and they're so happy. I am painfully aware that they'll have disagreements, fights, and over-night separations, but that's a part of a relationship. They just have to work things out. Love is something you work at, and you learn new lessons from it everyday.

The evening rolls by pretty quickly, and before I know it, all of the guests are gathering on the dance floor counting down to the new year.

"Four…three…two…one…Happy New Year!" Everyone shouts.

Gil hugs me and kisses me. "Happy New Year, baby."

"Happy New Year," I say smiling from ear to ear.

This is a great start to a new year. Everything's changed and everything's new and fresh.

Dare I go to another Pregnant Anonymous meeting? The women there probably think I'm a nut job, and that by coming back, I've escaped from an asylum.

I actually happen by where they meet, carrying bags of things for the baby. Not the essentials like diapers, formula, and bottles…I have clothes, (girls' baby clothing since we are having a girl) shoes, toys, books, stuffed animals, and knitting supplies. Yes, I know how to knit, although I would prefer that I keep how I learned my business.

I stand in the doorway, contemplating whether I should go in or not. I have been shopping all day, and I need to sit down.

I walk in, obviously the last one, as other women in various stages of pregnancy look at me, some recognizing me from the meeting I attended months ago.

"Hi," I say nervously as I ease myself into a chair and put the bags down.

"Please tell us your name, how far along you are, and what your thoughts are so far about motherhood," a middle aged woman, who had a great body by the way, told me in a cordial tone.

"Um," I start. Mama was right; saying 'um' all the time would become a habit. "I'm Sara Sidle, I'm six months into my pregnancy, and some of you may remember me from about four months ago, when I was talking about nuclear missiles and world hunger."

Some women smile at that memory. "Well, now that I'm almost to full term, I realized a lot of things that I've never realized before," I say, almost in a trance as I recall all of the epiphanies I've had during my pregnancy. "By me getting pregnant, I feel that I've been given a second chance at something that I've missed out on for so long. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know that this is a second chance. This pregnancy has turned everything that I've ever known upside down. I'm going to bring a life into this world, and start a new life about three thousand miles away from my friends, away from my comfort zone," I begin to cry as I confess my emotional journey. "I never realized how much I loved Catherine, Warrick, Nick, Greg, Archie, David, and Doc Robbins until now. I've taken all of them for granted, and I never once stopped and said that they have been a true friend. Now that I'm going away, I know that we'll never keep in touch. It makes me sad and happy at the same time because we're all going in different directions, but we all know that we won't be the same," I cry harder. "I am so happy! For the first time in this pregnancy, I'm happy!"

The women on either side of me hold my hands and the ring leader brings me some tissue. Now, after I poured my soul to these complete strangers, I decide it's time to go.

"Thank you for letting me join your circle again," I say, composing myself. "I have to go home now."

I stand up and pick up my bags and head for home.

I walk through the door and drop my things at the table. Gil hates it when I clutter up the table, but lately, he hasn't been on my case about it because he knows how tired I am. It is so quiet it's spooky. I get a little paranoid as I go to the kitchen to have a snack. Before I open the fridge, I notice a note.

If you're reading this, then my guess that you would go to the kitchen first was right. There's a surprise in the nursery for you. I love you, Gil

I go upstairs, wishing that whatever the surprise was, was downstairs. My feet are killing me. I go to the last door at the end of the hall and open it. I gasp as I look into to a cute home for the baby. The walls aren't painted because of the move, but it's still beautiful nonetheless.

"Do you like it?" Gil asks me.

I turn to him with tears in my eyes. "Yes, it's beautiful."

I kiss him. "You are the most wonderful, loving man," I say with tears in my eyes. "I'm happy about this baby. I want this baby. I can't wait to see its tiny face, and eyes. I love you, I love this baby, I love our friends. "

"Whoa Sara, you're going one hundred and fifty miles per hour," Gil says.

"All these months I've been griping and bitching about being pregnant, and abandoning my friends," I cry. "But now I realize that life is so precious and how much I really do love the people around me."

"I love you too Sara," Gil says to me as he pulls me into a hug.

I yawn as I calm down from crying. "I'm tired and hungry."

"What would you like for dinner?" He asks.

Hmm…what do I want for dinner? Chinese sounds good, but I don't have that big a taste for it right now. Now pizza sounds good. Yeah, pizza.

"Pizza," I say. Gil looks at me rather strangely.

"I have a craving," I say defensively.

"As you wish dear," he says, then he kisses me. "What kind of pizza do you want?"

"Pineapple with Canadian bacon," I say.

"Our baby's going to have an iron constitution," Gil jokes.

"Shut up," I chuckle.

***

Okay, the boredom is really starting to set in. It's four in the morning. Gil is at work, and I'm at home, watching infomercials. Nothing good comes on until at least six. I'm hungry too, but I'm too tires and sore to get up and get something to eat. My feet have swelled so much. Gil has to massage them daily. My hands have gotten swollen too. I cannot wait to have this baby. I've been pregnant forever. I'm seven months now.

The phone rings and it breaks my train of miserable thoughts.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey Sara, it's me Cath."

"Hey, what's wrong?" I ask, noticing that she sounds kind of sick.

"Can I come over? I mean that is, if you're not tired…" She stutters.

"Is everything okay Cath? You sound very ill," I say.

There is a long pause before she starts again. "Warrick and I just got into a huge fight, and I wanted to give us some space for a while," she begins to cry over the phone. I have never hears nor even seen her cry before. "I'm pregnant."

"That's great Cath, but why are you crying?" I ask.

"Because that's why we had the fight," she cries. "We had an argument over stupid things all because of my hormones."

"Oh," I say, relieved that it wasn't anything serious. "Well, come on over."

I get my fat butt out of bed and put on a robe. How can Gil possibly say that I'm gorgeous? I feel disgusting. My breasts are just ridiculous, my hair, awful. My butt is just inexcusable. The other day, Gil kept on smacking my butt, and trust me, there's plenty to smack. I knew that he wanted sex, but I didn't give him the satisfaction.

Twenty minutes later, the door bell rings, and I put down my plate of bacon. I've had this inexplicable craving for bacon lately. Bacon and cheese sandwiches, bacon and eggs, hamburgers with bacon, bacon and eggs, bacon, egg, and cheese tacos. It's gross, yet so good. Gil is disgusted. From the look on his face sometimes, I know that he worries about my appetite and my culinary tastes. After this baby is born, he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. I think the one craving that freaks him out most is when I eat Coco-Puffs mixed with sliced peaches. Well, I think it's good.

I open the door while licking my fingers. "Hey Cath," I say as I open the door wider to let her in.

"Hey Sara," she says. "Mm…smells good. I'm hungry. Do you mind if I get something to eat?"

"No, go ahead," I say as I pick up another piece of bacon. It's four in the morning and we're both eating like we haven't eaten in days.

By the time we both finish raiding my kitchen, there is ice cream, bagels and cream cheese, chips, cookies, left over pizza, and of course, bacon on the coffee table.

"You know," Catherine starts as she takes another spoonful of Rocky Road ice cream and eats it. "It really is a man's world. Look at what they did to us. We're eating like deprived Indian villagers."

"You are so right," I say as I eat another piece of pizza with a bit of ice cream spread on it. "I mean, men cannot possibly understand what it means to be pregnant."

"You know what Warrick said to me today when I went off on him? He said that I can't use pregnancy as and excuse to be bitchy!" She says with her mouth full of bagel.

"Who's he kidding?" I ask.

"He's the one that doesn't finish laundry when he starts it, he's the one that leaves his coffee cups all over the place, he's the one that leaves his socks in the floor, and I'm not supposed to be a bitch?" She asks in a rage.

"You know, Gil does the same thing," I say as I hand her the gallon of ice cream. "He does things that annoy me, and then thinks that I'm not supposed to get upset."

"Have any ketchup?" Catherine asks me.

"Yeah," I answer.

She disappears into the kitchen for a second then comes back. She squirts some onto her bagel and eats it. Our cravings are not weird to us because we're both pregnant. Catherine's just lucky she doesn't have morning sickness. I envy her. I see her wedding ring flashing in the soft light of the lamp. She can't get enough ketchup.

She picks up the bottle and squirts some into her mouth by itself.

"You like ketchup," I say.

"Like it? I've been craving it since the day I found out I was pregnant," she says. "You see what he did to me?"

"I know," I say, eating another bagel. "It's holocaust."

I hear Gil walk through the door. Warrick is with him. "Hey."

"Hey," he says in that 'what-the-hell-are-you-doing-are-you-out-of-your-mind?' tone of voice. "You must have been out in the desert for days. Look at all this food."

He comes over and kisses me. Catherine just gives Warrick the cold shoulder as he sits down on the couch. Her and I are on the floor. We have some kind of Pregnant Women Against their Lovers/Husbands thing going. Gil and Warrick are confused at our coldness.

"Cathy, I'm sorry," Warrick attempts, trying to push a strand of hair away from her face.

"Don't touch me," she says with and edge to her voice. "And don't call me Cathy."

Catherine stands up and looks at him. "Why do you always do things that you know agitates me and think I'm crazy?"

"You always get mad," Warrick counters. "I live in the house too you know. You have your side of the bedroom, I have mine."

"Yeah, but I have to look at you clothes in the floor everyday!" Catherine yells.

"Well what about you?" He argues feebly.

"What about me sweetie?" Catherine says, knowing she was going to win this one.

Gil and I are giggling silently on the loveseat, opposite the couch. We've been there before. Arguing over pet peeves.

"You…" He starts, but can't find one thing on her. "I'm not having this conversation with you anymore."

"No, go ahead and say it. What about me?" She asks now taunting.

"I'm serious Cat, this conversation is over!" He yells.

Gil and I stop laughing and look in shock. I can't see Catherine's face, but she must have the eyes of Satan right about now, because Warrick looks scared once he realizes what sin he had committed. It's pretty funny because, Catherine is about two heads shorter than Warrick and he is scared of her.

"Who do you think you're talking to?" She asks.

"It wasn't supposed to come out like that," he says, trying to take her hands. "I'm sorry," he says as she continues to glare at him. "Baby…"

"Fine, be an asshole," she says. "Don't talk to me, don't ask me for money, food, or sex, and don't look at me either. If you want to look at me, then look at me from behind."

She starts toward the door. Warrick rolls his eyes. "I don't mind the looking at you from behind part," he says.

"Shut up," she says to him as he escorts her out the door. "Don't touch me. Bye guys. No…"

I get up and close the door after them.

"Honey, I found a great alternative to our house hunting," Gil says to me as I follow him to our office. "Instead of us flying out there looking for a home, we can do it online."

"Goodie," I say. "Because right now, I feel too fat and ugly to go anywhere." He looks at me.

"Honey, you're not fat and ugly," he says. "You're having a child. You look magnificent."

I lean down and kiss him. "You're such a charmer."

We search through the online neighborhoods. We take an online live tour of a beautiful house in a D.C. suburb. It has four bedrooms, three and a half baths, large kitchen space, living room, dining room, and family room.

"It's beautiful, Gil. I like it," I say. "Let's take care of business."

We will have a home to go to when we move to Washington D.C. I am actually very excited about the move. We'll be practically starting a new life together.

***

Three weeks left to go. I'm becoming restless. I clean the house at least twice a day, eat whenever I can, and sit around. I have read every book in the house, including my secret stash of Harlequin romance novels, which are mind-numbing and sleazy.

Gil is starting to get a little impatient himself. Every night he is on edge before he goes to work because he's afraid that I might go into labor without him here to take car of me.

"Go to work and make some money," I say. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

He goes to work finally. I begin to think about the baby. It's reached full term, now it's almost ready to come out and face the world. This crazy world, where people indulge in their sick fantasies, divorce, abandon children, and murder others. If I could, I'd have this baby and keep it cooped up in the house until it is old enough to be able to understand and bear what people do to each other on a daily basis.

"Mommy's going to take care of you," I say to my womb. "I love you little one."

I love this baby, and it, I mean she, since we're having a girl, is going to be healthy and strong. I look back on my long pregnancy and think about the many times I doubted myself. It wasn't just other people who were doubting me, I was doubting myself. Motherhood isn't an exact science. It's something that improves the older children get. I don't know whether I'll be a good mother, but I know that I can try to be. I can't believe that I've actually said that I didn't want the baby. I felt that way for a while. How could I not want a precious baby girl? I feel so selfish and stupid now, thinking back on the things that I said in the early part of my pregnancy. It wasn't hormones, and it wasn't natural. It was fear of someone else entering into my life and disrupting my workaholic flow. God obviously knew that Gil and I needed a change. A major change. How much more major can having a baby get?

I know that Catherine is excited about having her baby. This is her second child, and she's a good mother. I have no doubt in my mind that Warrick will be a good father. He's loving, and caring, and responsible, he's a good husband to Catherine. They have every right to be happy and spend the rest of their lives with each other.

The baby rolls around to the other side of my belly, which is huge, by the way. I can't wait to see my baby girl.

***

For the first time in days, I am sleeping pretty good until a sharp pain surges across my belly and my lower back. I sit up in bed and start to breathe.

"Gil," I pant. I hit his shoulder as another contraction hits.

He wakes up with a start. "What?"

"I'm in labor," I say breathlessly.

"Oh my God," he says. "Okay, um…get dressed and get you bag, and I'll get the car started."

"Okay," I say.

When I get dressed and get the bag together, I head downstairs. When I get out to the drive way, the car is gone. God help me. Gil is so panicked he forgot me. I see him backing up all the way back here. I can't help but laugh as he parks the car and jumps out to come and assist me. When I'm situated in the car, he forgets to put the car into drive and we speed backwards. He quickly changes gears and speeds to the hospital.

"Gil, slow down," I command. "You're going to get us killed!"

He completely ignores me and goes faster. God, I hate it when he does that.

We make it to Desert Palm in record time and before I know it, I am situated in a delivery room. My contractions aren't that bad just yet, but I can feel them getting steadily painful. I am slightly disappointed that my parents didn't come out here to witness the birth, but there's no use in establishing a relationship that never was in the first place. I'm happy that my friends are here to cheer me on. Gil is by my side holding my hand as I squeeze the life out of it as another contraction hits.

"Where's the doctor?" I ask, breathless from the pain.

"I'll go get him honey," Gil says. He leaves and Catherine steps in and takes his place.

"You're doing just fine, Sara," she encourages. "You're doing great."

I breathe through another contraction. Finally, Gil comes back with a doctor.

"Hi, my name is Dr. Greenwood," he says cordially. "I'll be checking on your progress so far."

I let the doctor examine me then he tells me what's going on.

"Well, you're already six centimeters dilated in just one hour," he says. "The contractions are steady, so after about two hours, you should be ready to push."

Oh God. This is really happening. I'm going to be a mother in two hours' time. I have to push. I have to squeeze this kid out of my body. This is going to hurt like hell. I don't want any drugs though. Getting drugs will ruin the natural process of it all. It's going to be one of the worst mistakes of my life.

Gil just stayed by Sara, wishing that she would relent and get an epidrual. He hated to see her in pain. He realized how stubborn she could be, and in this instance, in the face of pain, she refused to get medication to numb the pain. He could tell she wanted to feel it. To know that it's real and not going to go away like some dream.

"Oh fuck!" Sara shouted as another contraction seized her body and make it writhe in pain. She had become foul-mouthed and ill-tempered. "Where is that son of a bitch doctor?"

"Right here, Ms. Sidle," Dr. Greenwood said calmly. "Okay Sara, you're almost ten centimeters dilated. You're about seven centimeters. In the next hour you should be pushing."

Over the next hour, Sara would become foul mouthed and ill-tempered. Gil never imagined Sara saying the words that were passing her lips. He had never heard such profanity in his life. And never in such gruesome and obscene combinations.

"Shit-eating, cock sucking, mother fucking son of a bitch!" She shouted. "This hurts like hell! Where's the fucking doctor? That rat bastard!"

Dr. Greenwood came in, a little scared at Sara's mood. He understood that she was in pain, but never had he heard such profanity in his ten years as an OB/GYN. Sara J. Sidle was certainly one patient he would never forget.

"Hurry up and get this baby out of my body dammit!" She shouted.

"Shh, honey, it's okay," Gil encouraged.

"How is this okay?" She asked with and edge to her voice.

"It's going to be okay," he said. He took her hand.

"Don't fucking touch me! This is all your fault Gil!" she shouted in his face.

"Okay Sara," Dr. Greenwood said. "You're fully dialated and ready to push.'

Nurses were standing by to tend to the infant when it came. Gil lent his hand to Sara, and she gratefully took it and squeezed it in pain. He couldn't imagine how painful it was for her. He felt a tinge of guilt flare up in the pit of his stomach. Child birth is very traumatic for both mother and child.

"Okay, take a deep breath and push," the doctor instructed. "Good, good. More."

Sara pushed with all of the strength that she could muster. Gil saw her sweaty face, damp hair plastered to it, beet red with exertion and frowning lips, disapproving of the excruciating pain. He had never seen a sight more beautiful in his life. Sara had her eyes closed as she continued to push.

"OH GOD!" She moaned in miserable pain. "GET THIS KID OUT OF ME YOU ASSHOLE!" She shouted to the doctor.

Gil looked down in between her legs. He could see her opening stretching further to its limit to accommodate the baby's head when it came. He couldn't see the head yet.

"C'mon Sara," Dr. Greenwood encouraged. "Push again."

Sara squeezed Gil's hand harder than the last few times. He pushed a strand of damp hair away from her face as she pushed.

"Good Sara, here comes the head," the doctor said.

Gil looked between her legs again. He could see dark hair beginning to peek through. Soon it was crowned and he could hear Sara's screams in torturous pain because the head was wedged in her crotch, and she was instructed to stop pushing for a second. Seeing birth up close was a totally different experience than witnessing it on television. He was here, with the love of his life Sara, witnessing the birth of their child. Watching as the baby came out of her.

"Okay Sara, push, we need to get the baby's head out," the doctor instructed.

"No, no," she cried. "I can't. It hurts too much."

"Honey," Gil whispered in her ear. "The baby's head is right there, you just have to push a little harder. You can do this okay? Push with all you've got."

Sara took a deep breath and pushed. She moans in pain as she pushes.

"Good," Dr. Greenwood said. "Okay, rest for a moment. Dad, I need you to push her legs up so that the force will get the baby down. The head is still trying to make it out."

"Okay," Gil said, not really knowing what to do. A nurse comes up and shows him how to push Sara's leg up. His left hand went under her calf, while his right palm was against her foot. The nurse was doing the same on the other side.

"Okay now push," Dr. Greenwood instructed. "Push, push, push, harder, harder, harder. Good. Keep pushing. Push the baby out."

"Shut the fuck up!" Sara shouted. "Shit!"

Gil saw the blood as the baby's head came out. "Sara, you're doing great, the head is out."

Catherine took Sara's hand. "The baby is almost out. It has a head full of hair."

Sara smiled weakly a bit. Gil could see that she was getting exhausted from the pushing. He prayed that she would have enough strength to give a few more pushes.

"C'mon, just two more strong pushes," the doctor instructed.

Sara pushed. She was clearly determined to have the child out of her body, which had been stretched, fattened, and contracted to its limit.

"C'mon, c'mon, push, good push," a nurse encouraged. "Push harder. There you go. One more big push."

"Good! Good!" The doctor exclaimed. "C'mon Sara, put more into this last push."

"OH GOD HELP ME!" She cried.

"Sara, the baby is right there," Catherine said smiling. "Push a little more."

Sara was in tears pushing the baby out of her completely. When Gil heard his child cry for the first time, he had never thought he could love Sara more than what he already did.

"It's a beautiful girl," Dr. Greenwood said.

Sara smiled tearfully as she held her arms out, gesturing for her baby girl.

"You did wonderfully sweetheart," Gil said as he kissed her.

The nurses gave Sara her baby. She caressed the tiny cheek with a finger. Gil leaned down and kissed his baby girl then he kissed Sara again, thankful for her.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Sara whispered back.

Gina was right. Once my teary eyes beheld my darling and precious baby girl, I had no regrets. Catherine is at my side, taking pictures of the baby. I wish she'd go away for a second. Finally, Warrick comes up and gently pulls her away.

"Oh my God," I say. "She's beautiful."

Gil is just in awe. Never have I seen him so in love.

"What are you going to name her?" Catherine asks from across the room.

"That's our secret until after everyone is settled," Gil answers.

"Smooth, baby," I whisper with a smirk.

"I try," he says with that sexy grin.

A few hours later, when I get cleaned up and showered, they bring in my baby. She is so cute, just like me and her daddy. She's got dark, curly hair, Gils blue eyes, thank God, and porcelain skin. She weighed six pounds even, and she's fifteen inches long. She is perfect. I let Gil hold her.

"You're doing great," I say. Wow, I fit into the whole motherhood role rather easily. It feels more natural, than an obligation.

"So," Catherine says, munching on a turkey sandwich. She hates turkey…but I forgot. She's pregnant. "What'd you name her?"

"Emily Ann Grissom," Gil answers with pride.

"Oh, that's beautiful," Catherine says, sinking into Warrick as she sits on his lap.

"Wow, Gris," Nick says. "She's a knockout."

"Well, she only gets her good looks from me," I say.

Gil hands Emily back to me when it's time for her to be fed. The nurses teach me how to breastfeed. As soon as Emily gets the hang of suckling, she goes to town. I soon realize that to her, I am not her mother, nor her source of life; I'm a twenty four hour milk service.

"Emily," I say. "You don't have to eat so fast. That's a bad habit sweetie."

Already she's ignoring me. She just changes her angle a bit, then she continues to suckle.

"Mommy and Daddy love you," I say with a smile. I'm a mother. Gil's a father. I couldn't ask for more.

***

I roll over in bed and groan as I hear Emily cry for the third time tonight. I haven't gotten any sleep in twenty four hours.

True to what I was thinking before, our house is a mess. Clothes are piling up, there are boxes in the middle of the floor, dishes from two days ago are still in the sink, and the whole kitchen is cluttered. Emily is only two weeks old.

I get out of bed, because I know that she's crying because she's hungry. I go to the nursery, pick her up, and sit in the rocking chair. I unbutton my night shirt to my bare breast, and she suckles.

Having a baby around now totally changes everything. It's a big adjustment, and so far, despite the condition of our house right now, I think that Gil and I have adjusted well. We have schedules that we keep as far as taking care of the baby. Like tonight it's his turn to get some sleep. I wish I can sleep, but Gil is still working at the lab so he needs more rest than I do. He only has one week left, and then we'll both be home for the last couple of weeks to pack and prepare for the move.

I can tell that Emily is full. She's going back to sleep and I fix myself, then put her back in her crib. I stand and watch over her for a few minutes. She is so beautiful. I never thought that I would have a baby in my lifetime. Now, here I am, looking down at my newborn daughter. My heart swells with love for both Emily and Gil. If it wasn't for Gil, none of the things that have happened over the months wouldn't have happened, and I would have been a stubborn, lonely, almost barren woman. Now that I have Emily, I can't even imagine life without her.

***

It's amazing how fast time goes by. Just about eight months ago, I was finding out that I was pregnant, now, I have Emily. She is officially a month old now. It is May eighteenth. She's starting to get a tan, but that will soon fade once we get to Washington D.C.

Catherine is now three months pregnant and she's glowing. Never has she looked more beautiful. Her hair is red now, not the blond color she always dyes it. She looks great. Warrick can't keep his hands off of her belly, and it annoys her to no end. They are convinced that it's a boy.

"Why should we discuss girls' names if we're having a boy?" She rationalizes.

"Catherine, you don't know what you're having yet," I say.

We are having dinner at their home, to celebrate our friendship and to wish Gil and I luck in D.C.

"I think I'm having a boy," she says as she stuffs her face with potato. "I didn't look like this when I was pregnant with Linds. Get off me," she says to Warrick as he withdraws his hand. "GOD! Stop being so touchy feely!"

I just start laughing as I check on Emily in the baby seat. She's sleeping. I have to work on getting my figure back big time. I'm huge. I really shouldn't be eating brisket and drinking wine right now, but hey, I won't let myself go.

"Thank you guys so much for being our friends and our family," I say with tears in my eyes. "We love you all, and we promise that we'll keep in touch. We're going to miss you so much."

This is our last dinner in Las Vegas, our last night in Las Vegas.

As the plane steadies in the air, Emily continues to sleep. I notice she does a lot of that; sleep. I'm glad she didn't inherit the anti-sleep gene that I have.

Gil next to me, reading one of the magazines. Actually, it's Parenting magazine. Like he needs instructions. Gil is a good daddy, and he loves Emily to death.

As I stare at him, I notice that he's lost quite a bit of weight. Probably because I ate him out of house and home when I was pregnant with Emi. God, he looks so good. He looks like the hot thirty-five year old professor I met in college, and would have the future pleasure of having a baby with. Funny how ten years ago, I wasn't thinking about having a baby with this man. I was thinking about doing the do with him and marrying him and being his fabulous wife. It didn't work that way. It took us ten years to get to this point. It was worth the emotional journey because, as soon as we land in Washington D.C., our lives are going to change for the better again, this time with Emily Ann Grissom in tow.