Wednesday, An Ironic Crisis
Summary: Does anyone ever get the feeling that Josh Schwartz has no grasp on irony? Luke Ward does.
Shoutouts: We'd like to throw a reviewer we're so very fond of, carpanther, a party, where we'd toast to you with Motts, peanut butter, and fresh margs out of appreciation for writing us such hot reviews!
MyNameIsStephanieJudithButCallMeDawnMyNameIsStephanieJudithButCallMeDawn
As Seth Cohen, who had invited himself over again, babbled on about his parallel comic book counterpart's role as the "Ironist," Luke Ward rolled his eyes and finally made the outburst he had been longing to make for two years.
"Seth Cohen, you are not an 'Ironist!' Your life itself is not ironic, nor do any of your statements properly exemplify irony!"
"Oh yeah?" Seth Cohen, shocked and saddened by Luke Ward's claims, screamed, "Then what's this all about?" Seth Cohen whipped out his comic book, flipping to a page with a perfect replica of Seth Cohen, who had stared at himself for years in order to memorize his own features that well, with the words, "The Ironist" scrawled underneath in a glittering pink.
"This proves nothing!" Luke Ward shouted, while rolling his eyes at the absurdity of Seth Cohen's comments and retorts. "Clearly," Luke Ward continued, "you have no knowledge about irony."
"Actually," Seth Cohen patronizingly responded, "I know the exact definition of irony, Luke Ward."
Luke Ward scoffed at Seth Cohen but was nonetheless amped to hear Seth Cohen's supposed concrete definition of such a vague word.
"Something ironic is something unexpected," Seth Cohen confidently told Luke Ward.
"Oh yeah, and where did you come up with that? Did you, perhaps, straight up steal it from your SAT Vocabulary book? And what about you is unexpected? That you're a Locoste wearing millionaire that lives in Newport Beach? That doesn't even fit your lame-ass definition of unexpected, which, by the way, is a much too simple definition!" Luke Ward ranted.
"Fine!" Seth Cohen responded, "Perhaps I myself am not ironic. I sure do use irony a lot, though!"
"YOU DO NOT!" Luke Ward screamed angrily, before throwing an Atomic Kitten CD at Seth Cohen, followed by a steady stream of Westlife, Anastasia, A1, Melanie C, Boyzone, and 5ive CDs.
Finally done throwing each CD from the pile Ryan Atwood had left, Luke Ward continued speaking, "What have you ever said that was ironic?"
"Um, you want examples?" Seth Cohen asked.
"Yes!" Luke Ward shouted.
"Alright," Seth Cohen began, "Be prepared to take back every sweet little comment you just made. Ah, there I go again with that irony!"
Luke Ward got angrier by the minute, but allowed Seth Cohen to "inform" him about ironic comments.
"You once said, 'shut up, queer,' and I then responded with the ironic comment, 'Well, at least I don't shave my chest.' I then claimed that I was just commenting on your sweater vest."
"Okay," Luke Ward shook his head and began, "That's not irony. It's hardly even unexpected. It's slightly sarcastic, perhaps, but not ironic!"
"Fine, then, what about when you were going to beat me up, and I ironically added that I guessed you were fans of the cliché? Then there was that time when I said Mischa was a classy lady 'when you two got your mack on, during our class trip, to the Museum of Tolerance at the back of the bus?'"
"It's called sarcasm!" Luke Ward screamed in outrage. "Ironic statements aren't something you just make! You don't think one up. You're not conscious of making them! An ironic statement is one that's made and then gets completely turned around, having the opposite effect as the speaker originally intended! It's a lot more complicated than you consciously making some semi-sarcastic comment that you think is just so witty and funny! A statement's not ironic, but it can become ironic!"
"Yeah right," Seth Cohen responded, "Like I'd ever believe you over my SAT tutor and Josh Schwartz, who says I'm an ironic character, an Ironist even."
"You are in no way a notable user of irony! Your statements aren't even unexpected, let alone ironic. I would be more shocked if you gave a normal response every once in a while, instead of using your little version of 'irony.'"
"Plus," Luke Ward continued, "You are so not an ironic character! You're the most predictable person on the show. And that's not all irony is, anyway. Not only do unexpected things have to happen to you, they have to be completely absurd and ridiculous to the point that they're tragically hilarious."
"Oh, so you think Julie Cooper marrying my grandpa and me running away to your house are just so predictable and not at all absurd?"
"Caleb Nichol was a guy just looking to pass the time, as one of his girlfriends once said, and Julie Cooper was a brilliant, gold digger who discriminated against no age. And to whom else would you have run? The only people your age you even know that don't live here are me and Samaire, who was way too busy frolicking in and out of Hanson videos to accept your presence." Luke Ward continued on, "An example of something actually ironic is when you want to prevent something from happening, so you specifically do something in an effort to prevent that and get a different result, but you unexpectedly and inexplicably get the first, undesired outcome anyway."
"An ironic character, for example, would be Zach, even though Josh Schwartz claims he's the least ironic of everyone. As someone brought in to be your antagonist, you'd expect him to be evil and duplicitous, but he just wasn't. Lengths were taken to ensure that the outcome of typical television love triangle with one character being secretly evil were avoided, but then in that one episode, suddenly he ironically exclaims that he's not a nice guy! Seriously, even Topanga's a more ironic character than you are!"
"You did not just call Zach, of all people, an ironist! Well," Seth Cohen turned to stomp away, "I'm just going to stick with Alanis and Josh Schwartz. I don't believe any of this!"
Luke Ward thought, "I wonder what Josh Schwartz, the man who created my character to manipulate to fit any dramatic role available, particularly that of 'vapid, shallow, and extremely unintelligent' would think about his 'stupid, elusive, pawn' now considering literary devices and cultural context?" He would undoubtedly find this, along with everything else in the world, ironic, Luke Ward was sure.
MyNameIsStephanieJudithButCallMeDawnMyNameIsStephanieJudithButCallMeDawn
Disclaimer: What the hell is irony? We're not sure, but we're pretty certain that Josh Schwartz's really random, simplistic definition is not it. So, obviously, we have no claims over the extremely bizarre concept that is irony. We own not one of the aforementioned characters or Josh Schwartz. We would never want to own Seth Cohen, though we'd steal the radiant Luke Ward any day. We are not affiliated with '90s Euro Pop in any way. Some of the dialogue was taken from some episodes of The O.C., but we can't be sure which episodes, since they were all just copy and pasted from IMDB. We don't own Alanis, ironists, or vocabulary, but we do own Luke Ward's frustration expressed about every little thing in The O.C. being called ironic. Because it's so not.
In a Josh Schwartzian style, we are going to request that you not review this fic, in hopes that you will, so we can then call it irony.