Authors note: Ok, we've all been complaining about the shitty stories on this site… Ones that consist of unoriginal plot lines, portray characters as senseless pricks, poor writing skills, bad jokes, and ridiculous endings. I'm quite sick of them myself… I posted a message on the forum but it didn't stop anything. I tried reviewing… didn't work either. Maybe THIS will open some people's eyes to the total stupidity of crappy unoriginal fics.
Flames will be mocked.
Much 3
Candy
The Horror of a Five Minute Zelda/Link/Malon Love Triangle Fic
By: Candy
Link sat in Hyrule Field doing nothing particular at all, because the author thought it would be a good place to start the story, and a good excuse to use big words that they don't really know the meaning of like: particular. So Link decided he was bored and went to Lon-Lon Ranch. Amazingly, it didn't take him long to get there… he just walked there because the author failed to remember that in the game it takes Link half a day to walk the distance of Kokiri Forest to Lon Lon Ranch. Link walked up to Lon Lon Ranch so he could see Malon.
He had always liked her. She was smart and pretty and funny and kind and gentle and caring and a good friend and caring and obviously not into using commas as opposed to the word: and. So Link walked over to her. She was singing in the middle of the place where the horses were, like she always was. Link went up to her, and said "Malon, would you like to go for a ride with me at Lake Hylia?" Malon giggled. "Okay fairy boy." "This will be a lot of fun." "Oh yes…I always have fun with you Link." Malon batted her eyes like a moron. "Why does this conversation look a little… funny?" "Probably because the author forgot that you can't put two quotes together, because: A it's hard to read, and B it's grammatically incorrect." "Good point, but you're not supposed to make good points in this story. You're just supposed to agree with me consistently, let me kiss you, have Zelda suddenly appear, try to kill you, me save you, both of us say we hate her, and then have me proposing to you." Malon blinked. "Oh yes… I forgot… Tee hee!" "That's better"
The author spaced many lines in an attempt to make the fic longer, therefore, fooling the readers into believing it wasn't a "short 5 minute fic"
We weren't fooled
So Link and Malon hopped onto Epona, who mysteriously appeared out of no where considering Link WALKED to Lon Lon Ranch, and rode to Lake Hylia. Once again, they got there in an astoundingly short amount of time, it was still a sunny afternoon as they dismounted Epona, who would not be mentioned again in the story. Link looked into Malons beautifully blue eyes, trying to ignore the fact that beautifully is an incorrect word usage in this sense, said "I luv you malon", and kissed her passsssionalttly. She smiled while he kissed her, making a funny mental picture for the reader. Things were getting very heated, even though they apparently started out as heated, until Zelda came up to Link and grabbed him.
"HE'S MY MAN, BITCH!" Zelda yelled at Malon in a very uncharacteristic way.
Malon raised an eyebrow. "What's a bitch?"
Link looked at Zelda. "Yeah."
Zelda's grip slacked on Link, and she scratched her head. "I don't know… I think it's an English swear, slang word… but since we're Hylians, and don't speak English… I wouldn't really know. But the 12 year old author decided that she could use the new bad word she learned because mommy won't be around to yell at her for swearing."
Link nodded. "Ah I see."
Zelda grabbed Link again, the author obviously overlooking the fact that Link could easily smash Zelda's kneecaps with his foot, and continued yelling more English swears at Malon. "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM YOU FUCKING WENCH WHO LOVES HORSES!"
Malon stepped up and kicked Zelda away from Link by kicking her in the crotch, the author forgetting that Zelda is a GIRL and therefor making the joke rather unfunny, yelled at her in a very OOC way, considering Malon is probably the most PEACEFUL person in OOT.
"WELL FUCK YOU, SKANK," Malon said loudly, trying to draw the readers attention to WHY she keeps using caps, the author, finding "Skank" to be a humorous word decided to fit it into the story at least once, "HE SAID HE LOVES ME!"
Zelda, who was magically not effected by the blow, gets in Malon's face. "WELL HE SAID HE LOVES ME… LAST NIGHT… IN BED! EVEN THOUGH IN THE GAME THERE WAS NO EXPLICIT EVIDENCE STATING THAT HE ACTUALLY WANTED ME, OR THAT I WANTED HIM IN A SEXUAL WAY! ALSO I'M A PRINCESS AND IN THIS DAY IN AGE PRINCESSES DON'T MARRY PEASANTS! I'M ALSO A SAGE, THEREFOR I PROBABLY HAVE TO REMAIN A VIRGIN IN ORDER TO BE HOLY! I ALSO FIND IT FUNNY HOW, AFTER STEALING HIS INNOCENCE AND CHILDHOOD, THAT HE COULD STILL LOVE ME."
MALON GOT UP IN ZELDA'S FACE TOO. "WHY ARE WE STILL USING CAPS."
"BECAUSE THE AUTHOR FORGOT TO TURN THEM OFF AFTER I SCREAMED AT YOU IN A VERY OOC WAY."
"OH YEAH!"
Malon yelled at Zelda. "WELL I LOVE HIM AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT CUZ LOVE LASTS FOREVER… or something… I don't know… I'm just a 17 year old farm girl who was beaten and raped by her master from the time she was 10, what the HELL would I know about love? In fact, I've never really had any friends. I spend my days standing in the center of a horse coral singing the same annoying song trying to remember my mother, who died when I was very young leaving me without a female role model and making me thoroughly upset. But still, I smile and am portrayed as a flippy ditz who wants to blow Link so much, that I fall all over myself."
Malon punched Zelda in the jaw and Zelda fell over! Zelda got up again and kicked Malon. The two faught, while Link watched on doing nothing because the author forgot he was there.
After about two sentences of fighting, Malon knocked out Zelda, which is strange because Zelda is a sage and has magical powers and defeated GANNONDORF, and turned to Link, who was now back in the story.
"Oh Link, I love you so much, even though a lot of people dislike our pairing… my Snuggle Bunny of Time."
Trying to control the urge to vomit, Link ignored the author's choice of pet name, and replied to Malon, "And I love you, My cutesy wootsy farm gil" Malon giggled stupidly in response because the author couldn't think of any more good dialogue between the two.
Suddenly, Zelda woke up and pulled out a sword that we never knew she owned, and tried to stab Malon in the back, who was embracing Link because they were in love.
But Link, saw Zelda, and pulled out the Master sword, which we didn't know HE brought along and stabbed the princess 100 times. Malon continued to giggle like a twit, the author forgetting once again that there were 3 people in the same place watching the same event… therefor 3 different emotions being felt as Zelda was being murdered by Link.
"DIE YOU BITCH," Link screamed in caps, "I HATE YOU I LOVE MALON! I NEVER LOVED YOU EVER YOU FUCKING BITCH! MOTHER F*CKER!" The author censored herself so she could rate this fic PG, as he continued on "JUST DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH THE GAME SEEMS TO POINT THE FACT THAT WE'RE FRIENDS AND I APPARENTLY SLEPT WITH YOU JUST THE OTHER NIGHT IN THIS FIC! BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY!"
Zelda died as Link's sword ran through her again and again… because that sounded dramatic.
After Link killed Malon, who was still giggling like a tizzy, he got down on one knee and pulled out an engagement ring, another item hidden and previously unmentioned in his tunic, proposed to Malon. She started to cry like an idiot and smothered Link with kisses while he put the ring on her finger… a very hard task to do.
They were married and everyone came to the wedding, over looking the fact that he had murdered their beloved princess and future ruler. But hey, this is a romance, we're not supposed to focus on the fact that Link's now a murderer
THE END
The author then neglected to proof read the story and posted it on FF.net.
She received the following reviews:
DekuStick@yahoo.com: Good story! Zelda's a bitch write another!
Malon: ALKSJDFAL
Mamamamama: U SUK MY BALLZ LOL
FKS: Funny write more
SweetHART9292929929-235-095-2039 ½: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAI! ^_^ You're so talented!
Author's Note: You may not realize it but your fic COULD be this bad
Please be considerate when posting.
Candy