Title : It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood!
Author : the Lone Gunfreak
E-mail : lord_manhammer_666@yahoo.com
Rating : PG-13
Category : Humor
Disclaimer : Chris Carter owns The X-Files, unless he steals one of my
" Where'd the baby come from? " solutions, then I'll sue
him for The X-Files and The Lone Gunmen spinoff. C'mon, Chris,
you know you wanna steal my ideas. What, can't take on a 14
year-old nerd girl? Weiner! Little weinie surfer man!
Feedback : Yes! It helps my self esteem so. Flames will be used to torch the
wretched hive of scum and villany that is my high school. mwahaha!
Author's Note : The is no law that says the title has to have anything to do
with the fic! mwahahaha! ( the Lone Gunfreak sings " God
Bless America " to her collection of cross-dressed Kens. )
---------------------------------------------------------------------
One month before " Requiem "
Location unknown
CSM laughed to himself. The hallucinogen that had been slipped in Agents
Mulder and Scully's coffee should take affect in approximately 15
minutes - when they were scheduled to be in a Very Important Meeting.
When the rest of the FBI saw Mulder and Scully tripping out, the X-Files
would be shut down and 2 certain FBI agents would be out of a job. He
laughed some more.
" Mwahahahahahaha- "
" SHUT UP THAT LAUGHIN'! " his landlady yelled.
" Yes, ma'am, " he replied meekly.
J. Edgar Hoover building
basement office
" Hey, Scully. Come with me to the Lone Gunmen's place. I need them
to check something out for me. "
" Mulder! Don't you remember that meeting we're supposed to be at? "
Mulder stared at her blankly.
" The Very Important Meeting? "
" Ooooh, that meeting. Well...do we really have to be there? "
" Skinner said a representative from the X-Files had to be there, and
if I have to be bored insane, I'm taking you with me. "
" Hold that thought. I'll be back in 5 minutes, " Mulder ran out the
door and up the stairs that led to where normal g-persons were.
J. Edgar hoover building
bullpen
" HEY! IF YOU GO TO THE VERY IMPORTANT MEETING INSTEAD OF ME AND
SCULLY, YOU CAN SLEEP WITH AGENT SCULLY! "
About 40 men ran up to Mulder.
* I am a genius! * he thought to himself.
J. Edgar Hoover building
basement office
5 minutes later
" OK, Scully. I got it all straightened out. Let's go to the
Gunmen's place now. "
" OK. "
Lone Gunmen's place
9 1/2 minutes later
Mulder and Scully entered the apartment/office of the Lone Gun-
men.
" Hey guys. I was wondering if you could analyse these UFO
pictures for us, " Mulder said. He handed them to Byers.
" Hmmm. Where'd you get these, Mulder? "
" From - " Mulder stopped in mid-sentance and froze. Scully froze
too.
" Um...guys? What are you - " Langly started, when Mulder un-
froze, screamed like a girl and ran into Byers' bedroom. Scully
un-froze, screamed in a less girly way than Mulder and ran into
the kitchen. All 3 Lone Gunmen looked at each other.
" What was that all about? " Frohike asked. Langly and Byers
shrugged.
" Shouldn't we go find out what they're doing? " Byers asked,
wincing as they heard loud crashes come from his room. They
reached Byers' door when Mulder burst out, waving a clothes
hanger at them.
" Stay back! I've got a phaser and I know how to use it! "
Mulder yelled.
" Mulder - "
" I'm not Mulder! I'm Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise!
Stay back, evil aliens! "
Suddenly, Scully came running out of the kitchen, weilding a paper
plate.
" Hiyiyiyiyi! I'm Xena, Warrior Princess! Die! " She lunged at
Langly with the paper plate. When he seemed unimpressed, she did
that horrible " war-cry " again and started biting him.
* Dammit! Why's Langly get to be bitten by Scully? * Frohike thought
as he tried to pull Scully off Langly, who had curled up into a tiny
ball of Gunman. Mulder smacked Frohike when he started to pull
Scully off.
" That's my green Orion slave girl! Get your own! " Mulder yelled.
" C'mon, green Orion slave girl. Let's go back to my starship. I'll
show you my other phaser. "
" Hiyiyiyiyi! " Scully yelled as she kicked Mulder in his ' other
phaser '.
" I am Xena, Warrior Princess! Take your hands off me! " She whacked
Mulder over the head with her paper plate.
" Ow!...hey, that didn't hurt...hey, quit whacking me, you insane
green alien bimbo! "
The Lone Gunmen watched the 2 FBI arents who were wrestling around on
their floor.
" We should be taping this, " Langly commented.
" Oooh, blackmail! Nice thinking, hippieboy. Where's the video camara? "
Frohike asked.
" I'll get it, " Langly said, walking into his bedroom. Byers groaned.
" This is such a bad idea, " Byers told Frohike. " They'll kill us. "
" And yet we're still doing it. Go figure. "
" Got the camara! " Langly said as he set it up. Frohike and Langly
laughed maniacally together.
" Earth to Langly and Frohike! Hasn't it occured to either of you that
we should find out what's wrong with them? "
" Drugged. I don't remember the name offhand, but trust me - it'll wear off
in oh, 20 minutes, " Langly answered.
" You know this from research for the magazine, or personal experiance? "
Byers asked. There was a long pause. " Nevermind, forget I asked. So, in 20
minutes it should - OH MY GOD, THAT'S NOT RIGHT! "
Mulder and Scully had abandoned their earlier fight for a much differant
kind of wrestling.
" How is that even possible? "
" Mulder is alot more flexible than I would have thought... "
" Scully is SO hot! "
" Are they gonna remember this when they get back to normal? "
" We're taping this, remember? "
" We should make copies - one for each of us, and about a kajillion to sell
on e-bay! "
" A ' kajillion ' isn't a number, Langly. "
" Shut up, narc! You know what I meant. "
One month later
Lone Gunmen's place
" Guys? I have some...odd news. I'm pregnant, the doctor says it's Mulder's, but
we never..." Scully trailed off.
" Um, this video might explain a thing or 2, Agent Scully. " Byers held up the tape
and put it in their VCR.
" OH, MY GOD! "
Author : the Lone Gunfreak
E-mail : lord_manhammer_666@yahoo.com
Rating : PG-13
Category : Humor
Disclaimer : Chris Carter owns The X-Files, unless he steals one of my
" Where'd the baby come from? " solutions, then I'll sue
him for The X-Files and The Lone Gunmen spinoff. C'mon, Chris,
you know you wanna steal my ideas. What, can't take on a 14
year-old nerd girl? Weiner! Little weinie surfer man!
Feedback : Yes! It helps my self esteem so. Flames will be used to torch the
wretched hive of scum and villany that is my high school. mwahaha!
Author's Note : The is no law that says the title has to have anything to do
with the fic! mwahahaha! ( the Lone Gunfreak sings " God
Bless America " to her collection of cross-dressed Kens. )
---------------------------------------------------------------------
One month before " Requiem "
Location unknown
CSM laughed to himself. The hallucinogen that had been slipped in Agents
Mulder and Scully's coffee should take affect in approximately 15
minutes - when they were scheduled to be in a Very Important Meeting.
When the rest of the FBI saw Mulder and Scully tripping out, the X-Files
would be shut down and 2 certain FBI agents would be out of a job. He
laughed some more.
" Mwahahahahahaha- "
" SHUT UP THAT LAUGHIN'! " his landlady yelled.
" Yes, ma'am, " he replied meekly.
J. Edgar Hoover building
basement office
" Hey, Scully. Come with me to the Lone Gunmen's place. I need them
to check something out for me. "
" Mulder! Don't you remember that meeting we're supposed to be at? "
Mulder stared at her blankly.
" The Very Important Meeting? "
" Ooooh, that meeting. Well...do we really have to be there? "
" Skinner said a representative from the X-Files had to be there, and
if I have to be bored insane, I'm taking you with me. "
" Hold that thought. I'll be back in 5 minutes, " Mulder ran out the
door and up the stairs that led to where normal g-persons were.
J. Edgar hoover building
bullpen
" HEY! IF YOU GO TO THE VERY IMPORTANT MEETING INSTEAD OF ME AND
SCULLY, YOU CAN SLEEP WITH AGENT SCULLY! "
About 40 men ran up to Mulder.
* I am a genius! * he thought to himself.
J. Edgar Hoover building
basement office
5 minutes later
" OK, Scully. I got it all straightened out. Let's go to the
Gunmen's place now. "
" OK. "
Lone Gunmen's place
9 1/2 minutes later
Mulder and Scully entered the apartment/office of the Lone Gun-
men.
" Hey guys. I was wondering if you could analyse these UFO
pictures for us, " Mulder said. He handed them to Byers.
" Hmmm. Where'd you get these, Mulder? "
" From - " Mulder stopped in mid-sentance and froze. Scully froze
too.
" Um...guys? What are you - " Langly started, when Mulder un-
froze, screamed like a girl and ran into Byers' bedroom. Scully
un-froze, screamed in a less girly way than Mulder and ran into
the kitchen. All 3 Lone Gunmen looked at each other.
" What was that all about? " Frohike asked. Langly and Byers
shrugged.
" Shouldn't we go find out what they're doing? " Byers asked,
wincing as they heard loud crashes come from his room. They
reached Byers' door when Mulder burst out, waving a clothes
hanger at them.
" Stay back! I've got a phaser and I know how to use it! "
Mulder yelled.
" Mulder - "
" I'm not Mulder! I'm Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise!
Stay back, evil aliens! "
Suddenly, Scully came running out of the kitchen, weilding a paper
plate.
" Hiyiyiyiyi! I'm Xena, Warrior Princess! Die! " She lunged at
Langly with the paper plate. When he seemed unimpressed, she did
that horrible " war-cry " again and started biting him.
* Dammit! Why's Langly get to be bitten by Scully? * Frohike thought
as he tried to pull Scully off Langly, who had curled up into a tiny
ball of Gunman. Mulder smacked Frohike when he started to pull
Scully off.
" That's my green Orion slave girl! Get your own! " Mulder yelled.
" C'mon, green Orion slave girl. Let's go back to my starship. I'll
show you my other phaser. "
" Hiyiyiyiyi! " Scully yelled as she kicked Mulder in his ' other
phaser '.
" I am Xena, Warrior Princess! Take your hands off me! " She whacked
Mulder over the head with her paper plate.
" Ow!...hey, that didn't hurt...hey, quit whacking me, you insane
green alien bimbo! "
The Lone Gunmen watched the 2 FBI arents who were wrestling around on
their floor.
" We should be taping this, " Langly commented.
" Oooh, blackmail! Nice thinking, hippieboy. Where's the video camara? "
Frohike asked.
" I'll get it, " Langly said, walking into his bedroom. Byers groaned.
" This is such a bad idea, " Byers told Frohike. " They'll kill us. "
" And yet we're still doing it. Go figure. "
" Got the camara! " Langly said as he set it up. Frohike and Langly
laughed maniacally together.
" Earth to Langly and Frohike! Hasn't it occured to either of you that
we should find out what's wrong with them? "
" Drugged. I don't remember the name offhand, but trust me - it'll wear off
in oh, 20 minutes, " Langly answered.
" You know this from research for the magazine, or personal experiance? "
Byers asked. There was a long pause. " Nevermind, forget I asked. So, in 20
minutes it should - OH MY GOD, THAT'S NOT RIGHT! "
Mulder and Scully had abandoned their earlier fight for a much differant
kind of wrestling.
" How is that even possible? "
" Mulder is alot more flexible than I would have thought... "
" Scully is SO hot! "
" Are they gonna remember this when they get back to normal? "
" We're taping this, remember? "
" We should make copies - one for each of us, and about a kajillion to sell
on e-bay! "
" A ' kajillion ' isn't a number, Langly. "
" Shut up, narc! You know what I meant. "
One month later
Lone Gunmen's place
" Guys? I have some...odd news. I'm pregnant, the doctor says it's Mulder's, but
we never..." Scully trailed off.
" Um, this video might explain a thing or 2, Agent Scully. " Byers held up the tape
and put it in their VCR.
" OH, MY GOD! "