A/N: I am back! With more madness. This idea stems from reading Chamber Of Secrets (I read the first four books years ago and forgot I liked them so never got around to reading the last two. Then I discovered this fandom, fell in love, and thus started to reread my books.) Anyways, having the twisted mind that I do, I thought 'dude, how funny would this be if Ron like, killed Harry with his broken want. And then this was born. So, enjoy! I love all reviews (flames included!)
Resident Nut Job
Disclaimer: I own the newspaper dudes, I own Stan Imdaman (you can have anyone else, BUT NOT STAN! HE IS MINE! MINE MINE MINE!) and I own the tabloid. Everyone else I do not own.
The Daily Prophet had a problem. Actually, they had two problems. No, wait, make that three. They had two major issues going on with their latest issue of the paper.
The first being Harry Potter was dead.
The second being what the hell they were supposed to tell the people about how he died.
One might wonder why printing how Harry died could possibly be controversial. One might also assume that Voldemort killed him in a very violent manner. It, however, this were the case, there would be no issue about printing it. So why was there a problem?
Well, you see, Harry's death was a bit…unexpected and slightly humorous (ok…it was funny as hell) It did solve that whole 'can you die when not in your normal body form' question though (the answer, apparently, is yes. You can). It was an innocent brawl between Draco and Harry that started it all. Draco threw a charm at Harry, turning him into a spider. At that moment, Ron walked in, saw Harry, freaked out, and promptly crushed his best friend. It was an accident, mind you, but nevertheless, he was dead.
The papers had all tried to ask Draco for a quote, but he was still laughing and therefore was unable to talk. The Daily Prophet had many discussions on the subject matter. They were unsure if they were willing to risk their reputation over such a silly way of death.
"No one would believe us!" Insisted John Corsac, editor of the paper. "It would ruin us!"
"John! More news just came in! This is hot stuff!" Rachel Rider raced in, holding a pile of papers in her hand.
"Oh god, please tell me it says it is all a mistake."
"No! Ok, get this. Apparently, there was some huge romance scandal going on!" John sighed.
"Alright, Everyone to the layout room, NOW!" the journalist filed into the small room.
"Alright. So we have a strange death of Harry Potter, and now a love scandal."
"Love scandal?" questions Dora Myddens. Rachel grinned.
"Yes! Ok, so get this. Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy were apparently involved in a secret affair."
"WHAT?" Should John.
"That cant be true." Insisted Alex Stronges.
"Yeah. Aren't Hermione and Ron Weasley dating?" Added Mark Arsch. Rachel shook her head.
"Oh this is where it gets good. Apparently, Ron was also having an affair with someone!"
"Dude…" This came from the newest member, a young rapper who was interning at the paper while trying to make a name for himself and establish rap in the wizarding world. His name was Stan Imdaman. "With who?"
"Hagrid!" Squealed Rachel. There was silence. And then…
"WHAT?"
"IMPOSSIBLE!"
"NO WAY!"
"OH MY GOSH!"
"YUCK!"
"Dude…"
"Oh god. What had this world come to?" John groaned, letting his head fall to the table.
"That's not all of it actually…" John gave Rachel a sharp glare. "Well, Harry Potter apparently had an infatuation with Draco Malfoy."
"Wait wait…so both Ron AND Harry are-were gay?" Asked Mark.
"Yes. Anyways, Harry found out about Hermione and Draco and got jealous, ergo causing him to fight Draco, in a jealous rage. And he had also found out about Hagrid and Ron, and he threatened to tell. So Ron stormed in pissed, and blinded with rage, he stepped on Harry."
"Dude…"
"Ok. I have come to my decision. We are not printing any of this story." Announced John. There was a collection of gasps and whispers from everyone.
"Why not?" Dora asked.
"Yeah! It's good stuff!" Exclaimed Alex.
"So we are just supposed to print all of this, and expect the public to believe us? And further more, we are supposed to just tell all those death eaters and You-Know-Who that a Malfoy is having an affair with a mudblood?"
"Muggle born" Corrected Stan.
"Whatever."
"No, he's right!" Mark said crossly. "I don't appreciate your racial slur."
"WHATEVER! The point is, we print this, we die!"
"But wont the actual people involved get mad?"
"We talk to them." John said, smirking.
It was an hour later. John and Rachel were at Hogwarts, in a room. The other occupants were Ron, Hermione, Draco (who was still laughing), Dumbledore, and Hagrid. They were the only ones who really knew the truth.
"Ok, we have brought you here today to discuss what we are to print in tomorrows edition of the paper." John glanced around at the faces. Dumbledore looked a bit upset, Ron looked stunned, Hermione looked horrified (though it might not have been because of Harry's death. Her eyes kept looking at Ron, then Hagrid, Ron, then Hagrid…" Draco was headed towards the world record for longest time spent laughing without a charm (he was currently at 12 hours-the record being 14), and Hagrid looked confused.
"We believe that while the public has a right to know the truth, some things are better kept a secret." John continued.
"I agree." Said Dumbledore.
"So, I propose that we print a cover story, saying that Harry died in a Quiddich accident. Ron was the only witness. He was chasing the snitch, and was racing towards the ground, and by the time he tried to pull up, it was too late." There were nods all around.
"No words of romances…" He gave the teenagers and Hagrid a pointed look. All four of them looked guiltily down at their laps (actually, just three. Draco was STILL laughing).
So thus the meeting ended. The next day, many people read the headline:
BOY WHO LIVED KILLED IN TRAGIC QUIDDICH ACCIDENT:
March 14, 2005
Harry Potter, or as he is known, 'The Boy Who Lived' was pronounced dead on a practice Quiddich field today. He had been practicing with friend Ronald Weasley. According to reports, he was chasing the Snitch. He was racing at a breakneck speed, towards the ground in pursuit of the small ball. Ron Weasley tells us that he tried to warn his friend of the quickly approaching ground, but his warning fell on deaf ears.
"I tried to warn him! He was going so fast…it was just like watching something bad happen in slow motion." Says Mr. Weasley.
Harry Potter was unable to pull back up in time, and landed on his neck. He died instantly. The officials say the official cause of death was a broken neck.
Mr. Albus Dumbledore issued a statement on the accident.
"There is no evidence of magic involved. It was an accident. There were no curses used at all. We have thoroughly tested the broom and the area that he was flying in, and found nothing."
There are no plans to press charges against the broom company.
Meanwhile, The Wizard Examiner, a popular wizarding tabloid, was having no problem with what they were to write.
"Ok, Chelsa, you cover the alleged Hermione and Draco affair, Jason and Lexy, you two work together on the rumored Ron and Hagrid love affair. Chrisa, Tammy, Alex, Christopher, you all cover the Harry Potter story. I want the true story, and I want to know what caused it. Any romances in his life? Print them. Question everyone on his life." Charles Caron, the owner of the paper was having the time of his life. Tips were coming in from everywhere. They were on the edge of a breakthrough here.
HARRY POTTER DEAD…DEATH RULED ACCIDENTAL!
March 14, 2005
Harry Potter, the notorious survivor and enemy of You-Know-Who was pronounced dead in the halls of Hogwarts. Our fellow reporters at the so-called 'reliable' Daily Prophet reported that he was killed in an unfortunate Quiddich accident, thought to be caused by a curse. We have found that this was all a cover up.
On March 10th, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy (son of Lucius Malfoy) were dueling in the halls of Hogwarts. Sources tell us that it was over a friend of Mr. Potters, Miss Hermione Granger, after Mr. Potter found out about her alleged affair with Mr. Malfoy (more on the affair later). The two were dueling, when Mr. Malfoy shot Mr. Potter with a curse, turning him into a large spider.
It was at this moment that Mr. Ronald Weasley, best friend of Mr. Potter, came in. Mr. Weasley suffers from an extreme fear of spiders, and when he saw the spider that was really Mr. Potter, he freaked out, promptly smashing his best friend. He claims to have not known that the spider was, in fact, Harry Potter, until it was too late.
We asked Mr. Malfoy for a quote, but he was still laughing.
STRANGE LOVE TRIANGLE RESPONSIBLE FOR DEATH OF HARRY POTTER?
Several speculations have been made about the mysterious circumstances surrounding the famous Harry Potter's death, but a recent group of discoveries had started to give us the whole story.
It started with the affair between muggle born Hermione Granger and the arch nemeses of the 'golden trio', pure blood Draco Malfoy. Though both deny this claim, recent evidence proves otherwise. After the death of Potter, best friend Ron Weasley was seen paying a private visit to Hogwarts grounds keeper Rubeus Hagrid. When our investigator tried to see what the visit was about, the blinds were closed. She did, however, hear 'strange and disturbing noises' coming from the cabin. And we don't believe that it was the noises of strange animals (unless you count Hagrid as one)
So how does this tie together? Allegedly, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were dating, yet both obviously had significant others. Harry Potter was found to have a possible crush on Draco Malfoy. We found this when we interviewed the family that he lived with.
"Oh yes. We found tons of pictures of that boy all over his walls." His uncle was quoted as saying.
"We all heard him call his name in his sleep. We tried to ignore it." Says fellow Gryffindor Neville Longbottom. Several others agreed with him.
"I saw him spying on Hermione and Draco." Reveals The Fat Lady, the painting that guards the Gryffindor. "He was so jealous. He kept murmuring 'damn Draco, why must you love her?' It was positively scandalous!"
We now believe that Mr. Potter also had found out about Ron and Hagrid, and was threatening to expose the truth. He had been fighting Draco due to extreme jealousy that he was with Hermione, not him. When Draco turned him to a spider, Ron came in, fuming about Harry, which coincidentally caused him to step on the Harry spider. Mr. Weasley claims not to have known about Harry's form of a spider, though it is not known if that is true or not.
Hermione Granger is thought to have been an innocent bystander in all of this.
A/N: Well, of course it is insane! You should know better than to trust me to write something serious and not disturbing! OH! And check out my new profile. I am very proud of it, if I do say so myself ) Review!
Resident Nut Job