I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, only my script

This is my first short comedy and I really hope all my readers like it and please give me your HONEST opinions in your reviews!

Set the scene: Harry and Hermione have just entered the Chamber of secrets and the Basilisk's lair…

HARRY

"Wow, this place could do with some interior decorating." I thought out loud.

And some plu-

"And some plumbing!" Said Hermione.

"I know right! My Italian leather school shoes are ruined!" I screamed "WHY?!"

What the heck?! Is that a huge snake coming out of the statue?

"When Dumbledore said to beware a big snake, I didn't think he meant freakishly big!" shouted Hermione.

"Hey!" shouted the basilisk "I'm not a freak! I'm long boned, and I still have feelings!"

"Right, sorry." said Hermione, now quite embarrassed.

"The name's Basil Lisk, Mr Lisk to you mini snacks!" said the basilisk.

Whoa, those are some fangs!

"Harry, have you seen the size of those fangs?!" said Hermione.

It's like she can read my mind! But yeah, if he wants to pick a fight, I'm so going to save one or two for later!

THE BASILISK

CRUEL!

"Hey! You try finding a dentist who's willing to serve a 120 meter long boa constrictor!" I retorted angrily.

Seriously, if they're going to carry on like this I'm going to eat them slowly and limb by limb, leaving the head till last so they can watch the whole- I mean, devour them I a rapid fashion. Sorry about that, I get carried away sometimes. Now looking at the mini snacks (or as you humans like to call them, children) I like them even less! So, right now the male mini snack is looking in his pocket mirror (seriously, what kind of a creep keeps a hand mirror in his pocket?!) and saying "Who's a pretty chosen one den? You are, you are!" and looking rather stupid while doing it. He's quite a stupid, know-it-all, goody-two-shoe, headmaster's pet, isn't he? He thinks he looks SO cool with that stupid haircut and round glasses! And I mean look and the female mini snack! She's just pulled out of her blazer pocket (and I mean come on girlfriend! Blazers are SO a book ago!) the Ultimate street lingo dictionary, izzit. (Pocket edition, player!). Wow, that girl thinks she's da bomb doesn't she? Seriously, frizzy hair is cute on seven year olds but not on her! (Right now, if I had hands – sob – I would so click my fingers and move my head humming umm huuum!)

HARRY

Who's a pretty hero den? You are!

HERMIONE

So, player doesn't actually mean you're playing a game? Interesting…

THE BASILISK

"Ok, if you leave now, I won't eat you, deal?" I offered.

"Whatever minger!" said the book worm.

"Don't push your luck frizzy!" I snapped. "O.k. If I let you both go, will you leave me alone and NEVER come back?"

"Yeh, maybe we should go, I need to re-do my eyeliner Hermione." Said the (yeh, right) chosen one.

"Ok fine! This street lingo is not for me." She said back.

And so they left. Phew! I thought that they never would. It took all of my will power not to eat the female mini snack's right arm as she threw her Street Lingo dictionary into my –ahem!- medieval deluxe moat. But at least they left, I'm still living there and I'm currently waiting for the delivery man to come and install my power-shower. Yes, yes. I know, but dark and dismal, smelly and damp is TOTALLY out of season and even I need my relaxation…