Hey. This is a little thing that I wrote four days after my boyfriend and I broke up. I'm putting it on here as Ami's POV pretending that Zoicite and she were dating and that it is her instead of me going through all this pain… perhaps that will help me disassociate myself with the pain I feel by forcing it onto one of the characters that I write as…
Anyway, this story is stream of consciousness… albeit ordered stream of consciousness… and it is telling how she/I feel after this breakup… my friends and my ex tell me that it is a real "tear jerker", but I dunno, I'll let you decide that for yourself….
Confessions of a Broken Soul
Dear Diary,
He left me. Z really truly left me. The only person that I have ever truly loved… he told me that he didn't love me anymore after the two and a third years that we spent together… with him telling me that he loved me for eighteen months of it….
But why… why doesn't he love me anymore? What happened to make him feel this way… and why did it take him so long to realize this? Sigh. Everything that I have known for the past two years and four months has turned into a lie; as if all the things that we shared were for naught and meant nothing to him… like I meant nothing at all to him.
He says that he doesn't "romantically" love me anymore, but he still loves me like I'm his sister…but lovers cannot be brother and sister… it defies the laws of nature and everything that is moral and good… I still love him, love Eros, romantic, all consuming, sexual love; a love that surpasses all time, all emotion, all feeling, and goes beyond all human conception. What happened to the love that he had for me for these past two years? Was it just another façade? It was just one thing that I thought was true and real and lasting… but nothing lasts forever… isn't that how it goes?
I can still remember the first time he told me that he loved me… we were in his tree fort… the moon was shining down on us as we looked at the stars… he just held me so close… as if one sudden movement was made, I would slip through his fingers like a dream. I can remember that I almost cried when he told me… it was a dream come true for me… I loved someone and they returned that love… or so I thought…. Sigh.
I can also remember our first kiss… we were in literature class… it was dark because we were watching a movie… I think it was either "The Odyssey" or "To Kill a Mockingbird"… but I can't remember… two years is a long time. It was just a small 'pop' kiss… just the gentle pressing of our lips for just a second… but it was enough to cause an adrenaline rush to almost cause a heart-attack… but was that for nothing too?
I can't stand this feeling… it's a feeling of helplessness… a feeling of loss and of being lost… I feel like a piece of me is dead… like it's been ripped away from me and someone has poured salt in the wound… it hurts, this feeling, because I have lost the only one that I have ever loved… and I have lost their love as well… I feel the need to cut… revert back to my old ways of being what one would call a "cutter"… I need to feel the bite and sting of the blade as it cuts through my skin… the popping feeling as it breaks through the capillaries… the bright red line of blood a startling contrast against the color of my skin… but if I did that I would lose those friends that are so dear to me… and I couldn't handle losing more than one person… it would feel like a massacre rather than a drive by….
He's already moved on… a blonde haired girl… someone more bubbly than I am… he said that that was his way of coping with the emotions of a breakup-he's never had one before- he has no idea how to handle the feelings that he is feeling right now… I guess he thought that getting a new girl soon would fill the emptiness that was created when he left me… but in curing his pain, he hurt me even more by not giving me the time that I needed to heal… and I hate him for hurting me so bad….
He told me he wanted us to get married and to have children… he wanted to name our children Alexia Mei and Damien Caleb… aren't those such beautiful names? I thought so… but I guess that was just another lie that he told me… one that would fool me into thinking that this would be forever and always….
To tell you the truth I didn't think that our relationship would last more than a month… we were much too different… the stoic, brooding male versus the beautiful, intelligent female… not much of a match, right? But we found our similarities and clung to them… and it lasted for more than two years… but it started crumbling before the two year mark… the fights because he was spending less and less time with me and even less time talking to me; because he would get mad at me when I would confront him with something that would make me unhappy… and that would start up another fight… it was an endless cycle of fighting… but it got better… the week before we broke up… of course, isn't the way that it always happens? You sense the end is near so you really start trying to make it work, in hopes that it won't end… but then he told me that he thought that we'd be better off as friends… that hurt and it started to break my heart… then the real kicker… he told me that he didn't feel the same about me… on our 28 month anniversary no less! So I asked him to go to lunch with me the next day… and we talked about it… and I asked him if what he really truly wanted was to be friends… and he said "yes"… my heart then broke all the way… the love of my life wanted to "just be friends"… I broke down in tears right there… we shared a last kiss… it was bittersweet because I knew in my heart that it would be the very last one that we ever shared….
I still don't know why he would do that… break my heart… the heart that I gave to him thinking that he would take care of it like he swore he would… like he swore that he would never hurt me and never leave me… I guess that everything that he told me was a lie… and that I should've listened to my mother when she told me that he was going to break my heart… hindsight is always twenty-twenty… but perhaps it is better this way… but right now, I don't know the reason why it could be better… I can't tell left from right, up from down, or whether I'm coming or going… for all of the memories of us and all of the good things that we shared that are going through my mind at a million miles a minute… couple two and a third years worth of memories with the billions of questions that he won't give me a straight answer to and all of the wondering and pondering of how I think that it should have been… and all the reasons that he could have for coming back to me and how I think that he needs to come back to me because I'm nothing with out him… he's my soul mate… my other half… he's my everything and he's left me… all of the things that he promised me, turned to dust and lies.
Maybe it's meant to be this way… we played our parts, helping one another with the troubles and fixing the things that needed to be fixed… perhaps that is the truth… but that isn't what I want… but nobody can have everything they want….
They say that time heals all wounds…but I know from experience that time only covers and stitches wounds… it never truly heals them… it only makes scars and those scars tend to tear and reopen, the pain becoming fresh and new on the surface… will this pain of losing ever leave me? Probably not… it may dull, but it will never fully be gone… not even with the strongest pain relievers on the market… I will never be the same because of what happened to me. But I will learn from my mistake… I doubt that I will ever be able to give my heart to another again because I was foolish enough to give it away for a two year memory… and get my heart broken in the process.
AMI
So what did you think? I didn't add anything but the "Z" at the very beginning, the "Dear Diary" and "AMI" at the beginning and end… this is exactly how I feel. Unfortunately. Sigh. I didn't realize that when you breakup with some one that you love, you feel like your entire world has exploded or crashed to pieces… but I'm rambling again.
Until the next chapter of one of my stories,
fairieimp