Musings of the McBain Kind

By Jenevieve

Summary: My first attempt at OLTL fan fiction, and just a bit of fluff I felt inspired to write. John and Natalie spend the night together cuddling, but John's guilt over Cristian keeps him awake as he wrestles with his inner demons.

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I sadly do not own any of the characters. They are all the wonderful creations of Agnes Nixon and the writers of One Life to Live, and I am only taking advantage of my love of the show to play with them for a little while.

Spoilers: Follows the current storyline of the developing relationship between John McBain and Natalie Vega after Natalie was saved from Hayes Barber. The story follows the basic direction of the storyline (specifically the episode of August 30, 2005) so I could explore John's complicated mind.

A/N: Lyrics used in this fan fiction are from Bryan Adams's song "Do I Have to Say the Words".

Do I have to say the words?

Do I have to tell the truth?

Do I have to shout it out?

Do I have to say a prayer?

Must I prove to you how good we are together?

Do I have to say the words…

-----

Sun shown down on him, warm and radiant, as he made his was across the open field. Tall strands of wind-swept grasses and reeds swayed gently around him as he moved from the open meadow into the cool shade of the surrounding trees. Slowly the path before him grew rockier, steeper as he moved higher up the heavily wooded slop. The branches of spruce and elm trees brushed against the long black of his over coat making his movements forward difficult.

Suddenly she stood before him, her face upturned to the sunlight shifting through the thick branches of the trees. He paused staring at her, afraid to step forward, afraid he might frighten her off. Something to her left caught her attention and he watched her turn, smiling, stretching out her hand to the figure that moved towards her now, his worn face soft from years of working and loving. Slowly, together, they turned to face him, the fingers of their hands entwined.

And just as suddenly he was standing beside them, looking into their smiling faces. Without a word they both stepped forward, and embraced him, her first than the old man. Stepping back from him, their smiles widening at the confused look on his face, they moved to the side, revealing the red-haired figure behind them.

Natalie stood a few feet ahead up the trail, her back to him as she stared out towards the now setting sun.

A gentle female voice in his head whispered, "Let it go, Jon. Let it all go."

Without hesitation he strode forward towards Natalie, but just as he reached her he paused, turning back, his eyes falling one last time on the figures of Caitlin and his father standing together behind him.

"She's the one," he heard his father's voice in his head. "She's the only one that can give you the answer you're looking for but you have to let it all go, son."

He nodded once but as he turned, reaching for Natalie she was gone! And suddenly he found himself once more crawling across the rubble to her side, far down a dark dank hole.

"Natalie!" he cried, as he turned her limp form towards him. He dropped to his knees beside her and shook her but she simply flopped about in his grasp.

"No, Natalie!" he cried, his heart pounding in his chest. He pressed his shaking fingers over her wrist - no pulse. No this wasn't happening! Not now! Not like this…not with so much left unsaid.

Tears began to run down his face. It had been years since he'd cried, since his emotional barrier had cracked and yet it all poured out of him now as he pressed her lifeless body tightly to his chest.

With rage and grief he screamed…

And suddenly he found himself staring up at dark shadows criss-crossing the darkened ceiling of his apartment. For a second he lay there, motionless, as his heart still raced and a sick feeling crawled about in his stomach. It was just a dream, just a dream, and slowly that happy thought slowed his heart and relaxed his stomach.

It was then that he felt the weight in his arms, the soft hair resting against his chest. Slowly the faint smell of lavenders with something unnamable and slightly more exotic just beneath it began to float about him, and tilting his chin slightly he stared down at the mop of red hair cradled so gently in his arms. He watched her sleep for a few moments, her breath light and soft across the bare skin of his chest, his fingers caressing the bare skin of her shoulder. She shivered slightly in her sleep and snuggled closer to him, her arm wrapping tighter around his waist, as a soft moan escaped her lips. She was dreaming, and he gently pulled the blanket up higher over her half naked body taking care not to wake her.

For a moment he lay staring up at the ceiling the dream replaying over in his head, followed by thoughts of guilt surrounding Evangeline and Christian. But Evangeline did not matter now and Natalie had insisted that it was him and no one else. Again he hear said that it was him she wanted.

"Even if Christian walked through that door right now, I'd tell him the only man I want to be with tonight is John McBain."

He couldn't help but smile to himself, turning back to gaze down at the top of her sleeping head. So maybe things weren't perfect yet. Once again they had gotten so close to making love and once again they had stopped, but he didn't want to rush her. As bad as he wanted her, as bad as he knew she wanted him, he wanted it to be right. She deserved that. They deserved that. No, he was determined to do it right this time, and the more he thought about it the more it seemed like it could be.

Natalie challenged him. She drove him crazy sometimes, but for all of it she was the only person in Landview who truly got him. Maybe Evangeline had seen it before he had, but Natalie understood him better than anyone. It wasn't a matter of what she needed or wanted being easier than what Evangeline needed or wanted. Yes, he had and still cared for Evangeline but deep down he didn't feel good enough for her and it wasn't some cross of his weighing him down, not some dark demons of the past. He didn't feel good enough for her because deep down he knew he couldn't love her the way she wanted him to, because he just didn't, because he already loved someone. And as badly as he had wanted to, it was something that he could not force himself to do. But with Natalie…

He'd been lying to himself for too long when it came to her. He loved her. He did, plain and simple, and this time he would do the whole thing right; not wait and waste time. It wasn't in his nature to make loud proclamation of love, not even small soft ones really, but Natalie knew that. She accepted him that way, and somehow that made the idea of saying it aloud much more possible even if it would take him time. Somehow he knew she'd know if without him saying it to her. They'd both been given a second chance and he was just as determined as her to make it work, to make it all right.

Turning towards her again, he gently twisted a piece of her red hair around his finger, the hand of his free arm carefully caressing the skin of her face.

"John," she whispered softly in her sleep. "John."

He smiled again as she nestled closer and he wrapped his arms tightly around her, his face tilted down, breathing in her scent.

"I love you, Natalie Vega," he whispered into her hair. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.

Fin.

©2005

Ok, that's it. Hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to leave feedback (only way I'll get better) at divine. (just put some note in the title so I won't mistake it for Spam ).