I do NOT own any of ER, as in the characters, HOWEVER, this story is entirely one of my own. I was inspired by another story from this site actually to write one on an eating disorder. As well as that, there is one quote from the story that doesn't belong to me, that I had found in another story as a matter of fact. It will be underlined so you will indeed know.
Please review, and do whatever you do on this site c:
I am new to this site with posting of stories and this here is my first try, I wrote part of this quite some time ago so I just have fixed it up, a lot, in my opinion. Thank you in advance.
Spoilers: None really, just you should know Neela & Tony just started going out and that's all.
Content: Self inflicted abuse.
Ray gripped upon Neela's shoulder, in a reassuring way. She had just lost a patient, and she feels the reason of death was due to an oblivious mistake. It was her third patient who died today on the table, right in front of her. Thoughts kept replaying in her mind. Going back to when she was younger, still living with her parents, and in school, how life has always seemed to be for her. Nothing but blemishes and glitches.
"Ray, can't I do anything right? I mean 3 patients in a row. That must be a new record or something," Neela stated, a hollow hint in her voice. It was easy to tell she was genuinely upset. She hated losing just 1 patient, let alone 3; she just latches to them at first meeting. However, that ability to accept any one and any body had to be a skill to be grateful for.
"Yeah, you do plenty of things right. You know how to wash dishes, clean up messes I make, except you aren't so bright when it comes to keeping the snow out, but we can work on that cant we?" Ray retorted in a slightly humorous way, raising an eye brow and winking at her.
"Ray, this isn't funny. Three people died today. Another one also needed to be shocked because apparently I misdiagnosed." She nearly shouted those words. She covered her face with her hands, to hide the red tint starting to flutter upon her face. She had suddenly felt a little woozy. Her stomach began to ache as she fell back against the lounge window.
"Whoa, you okay roomie?" Ray questioned as he had began to worry for his friend. "You have been on call for a long time, double shift right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine Ray. Just got a little dizzy, that's all," Neela lied through her teeth, she was more than just a little dizzy. She didn't feel well at all. She was exhausted; she had no sleep for 19 hours straight. Her second shift was coming to an end soon, something she could look forward to, rather depressingly so, still 4 hours remained.
"Neela you haven't had a bite to eat all day have you? I haven't seen you even take the smallest of all breaks. You didn't eat any cereal before we left niether, where I did, and I still took 2 food breaks."
A sudden idea had grown in Ray's mind, rather rapidly. Ray jolted through the near lounge doors, grabbed the box of pastries he bought from across the street as a peace offering to the nurses, except he felt she needed them now more than they did. "Come on take, you really are missing out. These bad boys don't last long here you know," Ray said smiling down on Neela, trying to lighten the tense mood from her fall back.
"Ray, I just think it's that I'm not feeling well. Like I caught a bug or something. Stomach has been a little off since I ate that Chinese food."
"Hey, don't blame Master Wok for this. I go there all the time. The food is excellent!" Neela couldn't help but let out a small giggle, her roommate and his food. The way he always talks about it is as if he would marry it if he had the choice, and it didn't come off as rather insane.
"Well what's so funny here Mayday?" Ray glared at the suddenly appearing Tony with an evil look. His feelings for Neela may have went unspoken, but you can sense his attraction to Neela, half the hospital thought they have slept together already, feelings wouldn't come as a surprise to many, so Ray's unknown hatred towards Gate was expected.
"Tony, I thought I told you not to pester me no more. We are no longer us. And yes, I know that Abby is moving in with Luka, and I even know I cant afford her place, but stop offering me shelter, I will be living with Ray so there is no need for you to even bother asking any more."
"I believe no means no Dr. Gates." Hope interrupted after overhearing them.
Ray chuckled and Gates just walked away. He had a feeling Neela wasn't looking to get back with him any time soon. Doesn't mean he would stop trying though, he would just need to change his behavior, give her a little something new to try out.
Neela, too, had laughed at Hope's retort, however, she had to immediately clutch to her stomach as the agonizing pains grew.
"You know, I think I am going to find Luka and tell him I am not well, so I can get off a few hours early, I could really use the rest."
"Alright, I'll see you around." Ray yelled after her as she had rather briskly began walking out of site.
"Hi Neela, something the matter?" Luka questioned, although he didn't feel it was necessary, by her appearance she seemed to be a little ill.
"I'm not feeling well at all Luka, I have worked for over 15 hours on this double shift, is there any chance I can be let out early?"
"Yes, I believe we can make that work. It is a little quiet around here anyway, you go home, get some rest. Be better for the morning."
Upon opening the locker, Neela slipped off her white lab coat, and placed the warm winter jacket over her petite body.
"So you got off?" Neela slowly turned around to see Ray hovering around in the corner, he seemed a little frantic, a little worried, even though Neela had led him to believe she only had bad take out last night.
"Yeah, I did," Neela replied with a small grin stretching across her face.
"I think we are running low on aspirin, I will stop by the Jumbo Mart after my shift to get us some more. You may need those you know." Ray said looking at her with much concern flooding in his hazel eyes.
"Alright, thanks Ray." Neela's smile had grown wider, letting her emotions take the better of her sickness, and general mood.
As Neela walked out the automatic doors, the frigid cold struck her face, turning it to that of a pale color. Neela had been upset. She and Gates had called it quits, and Ray still stood his distance. It was okay to see him being careful after how she had pushed him so far out of her life after Michael. She was glad they were rekindling their friendship, but now, she wanted more, the way he makes her feel isn't like any other. The one person who can manage to put a smile on her face while she is living down a lie to her self and others. She figures after she made him wait, it is only fair she do the same for him right now, it will show she really cares.
Neela thought about her whole situation with Ray the entire trip home. From the walk to the station, to the ride on the El, some of her thinking had even led back again to being now in high school, failing a biology exam. The look of disappointment on Ray's face when he knew about her and Gates was an utterly similar resemblance to her father's face with that big fat F. She tried, and it took a lot of time, and she had failed both. She had let Ray down, making her a failure in his eyes. And with that test, she had literally failed that.
She slowly made her way into the apartment and brushed the loose snowflakes from her hair. To take her mind off of everything that made her out to be a bad person, she made her way into the bathroom. She pulled the scale out from under the counter and reluctantly stepped on.
"122? What is that Neela?" She pondered. "I couldn't control the grades I had gotten in the past, and the expression on my father's face. I couldn't control the fact I just wasn't born a natural well soccer player. I can't control the survival rate of my patients. I can't control the way Gates always drools over me, which lures Ray away. I can't even control my weight now to keep it at most 120? I must be losing it."
Neela recalled another memory from her teenager years. The second F she had received. Except this was on the report card. Those were the darkest years of her life she wished to never relive again. That too, was even impossible for her to control some times. She hadn't been able to forget anything easily. She lifted up the lid on the toilet, gazing down.
"Hey Ray, do you know what's the matter with Neela?" Abby requested.
"She claims to have eaten bad Chinese food." Ray stated shrugging his shoulders, glancing over a chart.
"Well, what do you mean?"
"I always go there, they never once served me bad food, besides I got from them that same night, the same exact meal."
"Well do you think it's serious?"
"Nah, she lost a lot of patients recently, she was just complaining to me about that, you know she probably just needs to sleep. She was upset that she had lost control over so many of her patients' diagnoses." Ray paused. "I'm sure she will be better tomorrow."
"Hope your right Barnett." Ray glanced up at Abby as she then waltzed away from him.
Neela turned the shower dial all the way to the left. She dropped her towel that had been tied around her now slightly slimmer body, according to the scale. She let loose her wavy luscious curls and stepped in. The scorching water soothed her trembling body. She had goose bumps all around even though the water she was in was burning at her back, pecking as if they were little needles, and yet only being little water pebbles.
Neela picked up her soap puff, and squeezed a massive amount of cleanser out. She started to scrub her body. Her skin was already red, and became a much more beat red color as she was scratching her arms and legs with the roughness, and anywhere she could get a good reach of. As she was doing this, the burning sensation of the water didn't really faze Neela. In fact, it was as if some of the pain had been relieved. What her mind was on was changing. The steam from the shower had filled the entire room.
Her body has gained the upper hand of her once again. As she was heading down this path, she knew this was going to be hard to retreat from. She had lost total control over everything in her life. Nothing, nothing at all had been right or done right. The slender body had slowly slid down the tile of the shower wall. Being scrunched up in the corner the tears freely began to pour out like a fountain. The thought, her body crumbling away, thats not what she wanted, it's what she needed. To just disappear.