Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush (this episode only)
SEASON 3
EPISODE 2
Airdate: October 5, 2014
Title: That's Why They Call Her Sanna Q.
Segway Segment: Good News with Alasdair Wilkins
Satire/Social Commentary: None
Special Guest Stars: Tara Strong as Cyma Zarghami
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Kaz, storyboarded by Sherm Cohen, directed by C.H. Greenblatt
NOTE: The episode does not kick off with the regular opening sequence.
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn walk through the double doors and greet some extras as they begin to roam the halls)
RK: And so, when it got really hard, I jammed it in there. Then I started sweating because I had never seen it that big before. It was a great feeling, but I knew no one could see it or else the whole operation would have to be shut down. Best harvest ever.
JAYLYNN: I have the feeling you've told me that story before, and it didn't sound anything like it does now.
(The trio passes by the main office, but Wade notices something)
WADE: Hey, is that Sanna?
RK: Sanna? Don't be crazy, Wade, she's at Mona Robinson. Everybody knows that.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you might be seeing things. That's just a guy in a hat and trenchcoat and boots signing in.
WADE: But I know that aroma. Peach vanilla. Only Sanna has that exact fragrance.
RK: I'm calling the cops.
WADE: For what?
RK: For stalking other kids, you dirty future pedophile. Look at you. You have the face, the haircut, the skin color...dear God, your friend did not think about that last thing, I'm sorry.
(The man with the hat and trenchcoat bumps into Jaylynn and the two fall on the floor)
JAYLYNN: Sir, are you OK?
(sounding exactly like Sanna) MAN: I'm fine.
RK: Wait a minute. That man has Sanna's voice. Gee, I wonder why.
WADE: Me too.
(Wade takes off the man's hat, and it's Sanna. The eyes are also a match.)
WADE: Sanna?
SANNA: Hey guys. What are you doing here at my house?
JAYLYNN: Sanna, this is our school.
SANNA: I know, but I also know you guys are nosy and you're going to start asking shit.
(RK and Wade stare at each other while Jaylynn stares at Sanna confused. The opening of the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background, but this time, it turns into a complete parody of the Big Time Rush opening sequence. Sparky takes the place of Kendall, RK takes the place of James, Buster takes the place of Carlos, Wade takes the place of Logan, Jaylynn takes the place of Katie, KG takes the place of Gustavo, and Anja takes the place of Kelly. Scenes from the second and third seasons are shown in the background. Michael Anderson is credited as creator and developer. The Thank You, Heavenly logo is stylized like the Big Time Rush logo, and the four boys pose in the same way the group does in freeze frame.)
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK is looking for something in his locker while Wade and Jaylynn talk to Sanna, who's in disguise)
JAYLYNN: Why did you come back here? I thought you loved Mona Robinson.
SANNA: I did. For the first couple weeks. Then it got really boring and I realized that school had nothing to offer me. God, this beard is itchy.
WADE: Why didn't you transfer back as soon as you realized the institution was subpar?
SANNA: What?
JAYLYNN: He said, "Why didn't you transfer back as soon as you realized the school sucked?"
SANNA: Oh, well, I promised myself I would stay there for at least a year. But now I'm back here and I feel so much better. I get to see all my old friends again like you guys.
JAYLYNN: Dude, I still don't know you like that.
SANNA: You know what I mean, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I really don't.
(in the locker) RK: Well, Sanna, I can't speak for these two but I'm so glad you're back. I missed you a lot.
SANNA: Aww, same here, RK. What are you doing in there?
RK: I'm looking for my trading card in War Games: The Darkness. It's my favorite card in the set because it comes from the most rare collection, the Troop of the Tuscanero Laganthropes. Buster better not have it, because if he does, that son of a bitch will probably ruin it by accidentally dropping it in his soup and eating it or something.
(Sanna raises her eyebrow)
RK: Trust me, it's happened before. He once ate my Cypress Hill ticket.
WADE: What's with the get-up, Sanna?
SANNA: I don't want anyone to know I'm here yet. I still have a lot of dumbass paperwork to do and the last thing I need is people constantly blowing up my spot asking me a bunch of questions.
WADE: Like last year?
SANNA: Exactly. I'm probably going to be here officially in a week or two so when the time comes, I want it to be a surprise. Can you guys keep a secret?
WADE: Affirmative.
JAYLYNN: Sure.
(Wade, Jaylynn, and Sanna stare at RK, who slams his head on the locker and comes out)
RK: DAMN YOU, LOCKER HEIGHT! (RK stares at the three, who look annoyed for some unknown reason) What? It's not like these are the safest lockers in Seattle public schools.
WADE: RK, can you be entrusted with keeping Sanna's secret?
RK: Sanna, everybody knows you dance to Five Seconds of Summer in your underwear, it's not that big a deal. In fact, you were the one that uploaded the video on Facebook!
SANNA: No, the secret about me being here? I want to keep it on the DL for now.
RK: I don't think I heard the conversation just now so I don't know how much sense that makes, but yeah, I'll keep the secret.
SANNA: Are you sure?
RK: Of course I'm sure. I'm one of the most trustworthy guys on the planet. Otherwise I'd be a liberal. (chuckles)
JAYLYNN: No, you're not.
RK: What are you trying to say, fake-ass freedom fighter?
JAYLYNN: You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it.
RK: Well, I DID keep the secret about Wade's party last year.
JAYLYNN: Yes, but you also told Sparky I have...
SANNA: You have what?
JAYLYNN: I have night terrors.
WADE: What the hell are night terrors?
JAYLYNN: I HAVE AWFUL DREAMS, OK?! One time, I had a dream I was dancing with Kate Middleton and then she turned into Cobra Commander. Then she choked me and I woke up having wet myself. Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.
RK: Well, that was just one secret.
WADE: Really? How about some memory-refreshing cutaways?
CUTAWAY GAG
(RK runs towards Sparky and knocks him over in the hallway)
RK: Oh, sorry, Sparky, I didn't know anyone was there.
SPARKY: How did you not know? You SAW me.
RK: No, I didn't. Because these guys are selling an illegal drug on school grounds that impairs your sight. They told me not to say anything, but...JESUS CHRIST, I SAID SOMETHING!
SPARKY: WHAT?!
(Later on, policemen are taking the drug dealers out of the school while a bunch of kids watch on top of the staircase)
(to RK) DRUG DEALER #1: You know, snitches get they ass beat.
(The policemen continue on their quest to take away the dealers while RK is scared)
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Hey, I was doing my duty as a proud, God-fearing American citizen.
JAYLYNN: But that wasn't even intentional.
WADE: And remember when you divulged my vanilla honey cupcake recipe to Buster?
CUTAWAY GAG
RK: Now, you didn't hear this from me, but you want to make sure you add mushed-up Honey Nut Cheerios to give the batter more identity.
BUSTER: Gotcha. Let me call Wade so I can make sure.
RK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
(RK has a black eye that Wade gave him and he's watching TV angrily at his house while Buster stares at him)
BUSTER: You never exactly said I couldn't call.
RK: I know.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Well, Buster said he would share the first batch with me. Six cupcakes from a baker's dozen!
WADE: RK, a baker's dozen is thirteen.
RK: Well, we would just cut the other one. Besides, you're probably just giving random examples of things that never happened.
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah? Well, what about this one?
CUTAWAY GAG
(RK is fast asleep in his bed, and out of nowhere he sits up with crazy eyes)
RK: MILEY STEWART IS HANNAH MONTANA!
KG: RK, SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP AND GO TO BED!
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: That...that never happened. What the hell is wrong with you guys?
WADE: Look, the point is, you're not the best at being secretive, especially as it pertains to other people.
RK: Well, maybe you guys should stop telling me these things. You don't think sometimes. Without me, you would just be a bunch of stupid kids who don't think. Like Sanjay and Craig. They took methamphetamine when they were little ones and now they're forever doomed to spend a sad life of brain trauma-induced paranoia and uninspired toilet humor. (long pause) Do I even know what I said?
SANNA: You know, he does have a point. What's the benefit of giving him secrets to keep if he's just a big fat blabbermouth?
RK: HEY!
WADE: You know, I don't understand why I never stumbled upon that myself.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're the genius, what were you thinking?
WADE: Your goal in life is probably to agitate everybody you meet, you red-haired sociopath.
RK: Look, guys, your banter is hilarious with a hint of belligerent sexual tension but let's get back to our regularly scheduled program here. I won't tell a soul about Sanna coming back to iCarly Elementary School.
SANNA: Thank you RK.
(Sanna hugs RK and then leaves the building)
RK: You children need to start giving me more respect around here. I'm the guy that makes things happen.
JAYLYNN: Keep the secret and I'll think about it.
RK: What secret?
(Wade and Jaylynn stare at RK angrily while he smirks)
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is watching the "Pigeon Man" episode of Hey Arnold! on TV and taking notes when Buster walks in)
BUSTER: Hey Sparky. What are you doing?
(Sparky mutes the TV)
SPARKY: Oh, hey Buster. I'm taking notes on various television shows.
BUSTER: Why? You're going to start one? (chuckles)
SPARKY: Yup.
(Buster stops chuckling and looks confused)
BUSTER: Wait, how? Are you sure fourth-graders pitching a show is acceptable? It just seems kinda...what's that word Wade uses whenever I say stuff? Oh yeah. (snaps fingers) Farfetched.
SPARKY: We live by ourselves with no parents, we get obscene amounts of money from the government and we're sometimes capable of deep, intellectual adult thoughts. Everything about our lives is farfetched.
BUSTER: Yeah, you have a point. What's the show about?
SPARKY: Well, right now, I have three potential candidates that I've narrowed down from 19 applicants: An ABC live-action sitcom about two teenage girls that live in a Brooklyn apartment and try to get money any way they can, an adult animated comedy about an African-American family, and a slice of life kid's cartoon.
BUSTER: What's the kids show about?
SPARKY: Well, because it's slice of life, it's based on us. I call it...The New York Diaries. I'm imagining we all live in Brooklyn just like the ABC sitcom.
BUSTER: Are you sure kids would be interested in a show about us? I mean, our lives aren't all that interesting.
SPARKY: Well, anything gets on TV these days so it probably won't be that much of a problem.
BUSTER: But we hardly do anything. The only time we actually have an adventure is when we travel someplace.
SPARKY: Well, the viewer will be very interested in the boredom because it's relatable.
BUSTER: I don't know. I think that idea just sounds like a watered-down version of Seinfeld or South Park or something. What's next, are you going to rip off jokes from other shows?
SPARKY: I was thinking we do cutaways on the side.
BUSTER: You see, that's going to get old to some people. Randomness on the daily gets old. We need something bolder, something sweeter, something that says we're bringing back real television for children.
SPARKY: Well, Mr. Man, what ideas do you have?
BUSTER: You want me to contribute?
SPARKY: Well, yeah. You're my best friend and you ARE shooting off at the mouth about how much my show sucks so why don't you give me something better?
BUSTER: Sparky, I don't think your idea sucks. I think your idea just needs to be fixed up a little. How about, we include an underground alien organization as a plot twist?!
SPARKY: You can't have aliens on this show!
BUSTER: Why not?
SPARKY: Because it's a slice of life cartoon. Nothing fantastical like that can go in, it will insult the viewer's intelligence.
BUSTER: Well, how about it's a slice of life cartoon with surrealism on the side?
SPARKY: NO, WE'RE NOT DISNEY CHANNEL!
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
(RK and KG ordered Papa John's for dinner, which consists of a large pizza with pepperoni and sausage and garlic breadsticks. They're customizing their plates, so to speak.)
RK: Hey, get this: San...
KG: Yeah, San? What's going on with San? Is San OK?
RK: San Antonio. San Antonio is the home of five world championships in the NBA, including last season.
KG: You're 100% correct on that. But it sounds like you were going to tell me something else.
RK: Well, I finished setting my plate. I'll go sit down on the couch now. Did you know that a quarterback for the Cleveland Browns had the last name Couch? What a cowinky-dinkery doo dah dillie pillie. (RK walks away nervously with his plate while KG has a raised eyebrow)
KG: I always hate it when he has a hot juicy secret and he doesn't tell me. Then again, he'll probably crack soon.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is trying to sleep, but he can't because he keeps tossing and turning and muttering to himself)
RK: No, Sanna, no! Look, I know...but Wade...KG...secret...Angela Lansbury! (sits up) SANNA'S BACK! EVERYBODY BOTHER SANNA ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE'S COMING BACK!
KG: RK, GO BACK TO SLEEP, JOEY FATONE ISN'T ACTUALLY KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH, IT WAS JUST A BAD DREAM!
RK: I know, but it was so real that one time, and...hey, what are YOU doing up?
KG: I can hear you from my room, you're very loud! (glass breaks) SHIT, I JUST SPILLED MY LIPTON TEA! AND THAT GLASS WAS A GIFT FROM UNCLE CARMINE IN SANTA FE!
(The next thing you see is RK knocking on Wade's door. Wade walks out, tired.)
WADE: RK, this is infuriating. It's 1:32 AM. And I know my facial expression tells a very different story, but this is still infuriating.
RK: Look, can I just crash here for the night?
WADE: Why? You know how much I hate guests. Remember how I transformed my guest room into something more constructive?
RK: Don't you use that room to jack?
WADE: IT'S STILL A MORE CONSTRUCTIVE PURPOSE! I guess you can sleep on the couch, but why?
RK: Because I'm not safe in my own home. KG always senses when I have juicy secrets and I can't tell him about Sanna. I have to keep my promise.
WADE: RK, it's all psychosomatic. There is no juicy secret Sanna has, she just wants you to keep a certain issue private. And you are blowing this WAY out of proportion. Do you understand?
RK: No, I don't. If I was really blowing this out of proportion, I would have a team of commandos beside me to help keep my mouth shut. But I don't. And since this conversation isn't going anywhere, I'm going to plop down on your couch tonight and think of ways to keep Sanna's secret a secret. You smell me?
(long pause; Wade is not just tired, he's bored)
WADE: Yup, I smell you.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is desperately trying to open his locker when Sparky runs towards him all excited and everything)
SPARKY: Hey Buster! Buster, you have to check out...what are you doing? Or attempting to do?
BUSTER: I'm attempting, if that's the word we're using here, to open my locker. I've tried for more than five minutes to get this shit jimmied open and nothing. I must have put in my combination 15 times. Great, only a few weeks into the school year and we already have a locker situation on our hands.
SPARKY: Um, Buster, I hate to break it to you, but that's not your locker.
BUSTER: Yes it is. Locker 336, of course I would know.
SPARKY: No, yours is Locker 339.
(Buster looks at Locker 339 sheepishly, walks, towards it, gets on his knees, puts in the combination, and opens the lock)
BUSTER: Boy, I'm an idiot. Hey, RK's Laganthrope card that's valuable. It's a good thing what I tasted in my chowder last night was that other lame card. So what are you so excited about?
SPARKY: Well, you know how we were spitballing ideas for the kid's cartoon, right?
BUSTER: Right.
SPARKY: Well, I was thinking we put in some conflict to make the pilot more interesting.
BUSTER: What did you have in mind? Everybody knows that pilots are supposed to be absolutely awful representations of what a show ends up being 100%.
SPARKY: Not this one. It's called "RK vs. Vanna White."
BUSTER: Hey, why does RK get to be the main character in this episode?
SPARKY: Well, I don't know. He just seems like that kind of guy. Not exactly a leader, but he's really witty and out there. Fans would love him.
BUSTER: I bet they would love me too. I'm cute and spunky enough to fit in as the guy who's not all that smart, but he's cute and spunky so...that.
SPARKY: Actually, that is your role. As the idiot.
BUSTER: The idiot?! Why would I be the idiot?! I wanted to be the spunky kid with a slow wit and interesting catchphrases. Like...(snaps fingers) it's not gonna happen like THAT! (Buster dances a brief jig)
SPARKY: The (bleep) was that?
BUSTER: Let me see that script.
(Buster takes a look at the script for "RK vs. Vanna White")
BUSTER: Where's Jaylynn?
SPARKY: She's not ready for the first season yet. She'll come in during season two.
BUSTER: You know, that makes a lot of sense. Why are we dressing up RK and forcing him to compete on Wheel of Fortune for big money?
SPARKY: That's why. For big money. They're only allowing girls and women on the show for that episode and we want to buy cool new stuff with the big cash prize. Plus, RK is a master at solving puzzles which we never established for notable reasons.
BUSTER: We can't just make up stuff like that. I'm pretty sure that's not how Wheel of Fortune worked. That show ended 20 years ago.
SPARKY: Buster, they still make episodes in syndication.
BUSTER: I don't know what the hell that word means.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is looking around the lunchroom with his tray, worried)
(in his head) RK: This is stupid. I'm getting all worked up over one little secret. I just don't have to think about it, that's all. I'll just have a nice, leisurely lunch and forget about the whole Sanna thing.
(Meanwhile, Jaylynn is talking to a bored Wade)
JAYLYNN: So you see, that's why a communist country would be better. Everybody would get the opportunity to make a certain amount of money.
WADE: Don't you think American businesses would suffer more if they had a set amount of money to make? I mean, in that case, they shouldn't be free from that kind of law, right?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, I just like hearing myself talk sometimes.
RK: Hey guys.
WADE: RK, are you 100% sure you're fine?
JAYLYNN: Why wouldn't he be?
WADE: He's afraid that he'll spill the mustard about Sanna's secret.
JAYLYNN: RK, you don't have to...wait, did you just say spill the mustard?
WADE: Affirmative.
RK: Dude, it's spill the beans.
WADE: What?
JAYLYNN: When people reveal a secret, you don't say "spill the mustard," you say "spill the beans."
WADE: I don't think it matters at all.
RK: It does. The way you said it makes absolutely no sense. Who spills mustard?
WADE: Are you guys really confused by this, or are you just trying to get one over on me?
JAYLYNN: I'm just saying, no one says mustard, they say beans.
WADE: Guys, you don't...(sighs) Whatever.
(Manny and Will are walking past RK's table)
WILL: Yeah, so I heard they might make a secret since the first one sold so well.
RK: WHO'S MAKING A SECRET?!
WILL: No one is. They're thinking about making a sequel to The Adventures of Smoothe the Barber.
RK: You mean, that blaxploitation film about barbers in the workplace?
MANNY: Yeah. So how much do you think the secret will make?
RK: A SECRET CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING! LEAVE SANNA ALONE, YOU PSYCHOS!
(RK runs away nervously; long pause)
MANNY: What the hell was that bitch going on about?
JAYLYNN: He just has a problem keeping secrets.
WILL: I don't remember that being established.
MANNY: I used to have that problem. Then I took some steps.
WADE: Steps?
MANNY: Yeah, I started talking to myself at night. I said, "Self, why do I keep secrets?" And Self said, "Because people trust you." I like Self. I talk to him all the time.
(long pause; Wade and Jaylynn are disturbed while Will is blank-faced)
JAYLYNN: You know, I have a doctor you can go to if you're ever in need of help.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is angrily staring at the TV. The camera angle from his point of view shows that the TV isn't even on. Buster walks in with his backpack.)
SPARKY: There you are. Dude, I've been waiting for you to come over for an hour.
BUSTER: You know, if you wanted the script so bad, you could've just met me at my place.
SPARKY: Yeah, but we agreed to meet at my house. Plus you know how much I hate making scenes. Like Grandpappy MacDougal. Boy, he could walk into a place and...
BUSTER: I don't want to hear any more of your grandpa stories that never go anywhere. I changed up the script to make it more relatable to our target audience.
SPARKY: It's my script, I never gave you permission to change it. And do you even know what a target audience is?
BUSTER: Yes.
(long pause; Buster is nervous and Sparky is bored)
SPARKY: You don't, do you?
BUSTER: YES! It's...the kind of audience that watches your show.
SPARKY: That's a third-grade interpretation of it, yes. Let me see this. "At this point, aliens descend upon the Wheel of Fortune set and violently hump Vanna White until she screams and moans for more. Pat Sajak is spared because he's Pat Sajak and he's awesome. RK, for no reason at all, starts masturbating?" MASTURBATING?! MASTURBATING?!
BUSTER: I had a feeling you added the question mark yourself.
SPARKY: Dude, this can't be in a freaking kids show, it will never make it past the censors!
BUSTER: Have you seen the stuff Nickelodeon lets slip past?
SPARKY: But dude, this is extremist dark humor that will turn the viewers away. This is someone's crazy-ass fetish come to life. What kind of writer are you trying to be, Zeus Cervas?!
BUSTER: Hey, what gives you the right to be such a comedy Nazi? It's not like this is your show.
SPARKY: IT IS MY SHOW AND YOU'RE NOT CONTRIBUTING ANYTHING POSITIVE! DON'T YOU GET IT?!
BUSTER: Hey, I'm a partner in this too, you know.
SPARKY: And you went ahead and changed my script without telling me. Hell, you stole my script so you could do it. That's it, get out of my house.
BUSTER: But Sparky, I...
SPARKY: DISPERSE FROM MY HOME, DISPERSE!
(Buster walks away disappointed and slams the door shut while Sparky looks angry; Bitch Clock shows up behind Sparky scared)
BITCH CLOCK: I...I made a snack platter with tapenade for you guys.
SPARKY: I'M NOT HUNGRY!
(runs off scared) BITCH CLOCK: OK, I'LL EAT IT!
SCENE 9
The Revia-Khocholava Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is on the couch and Anna is looking in the refrigerator for something)
RK: And I just don't know how to keep the secret. Ever since I was little, I had that problem. Like, one time KG was trying to sweet-talk this girl, and I let it slip that he wore Maggie and the Ferocious Beast boxers. I don't think they make those anymore.
ANNA: Oh, babe, you shouldn't worry about this so much. It's not like you know something awful about this Sanna girl. She just wants you to do her a solid and make sure you can keep a secret.
RK: What are you doing in your refrigerator?
ANNA: I'm trying to clean it out. I don't understand why the hell I keep this stuff in here. Look at this mayonnaise. Expiration date was three weeks ago. Maybe it still smells good. (Anna opens the container and takes a sniff) DEAR LORD, THAT'S AN AWFUL REEK! It's like the bathroom at Mardi Gras.
RK: I just wish there was some way I wouldn't have to worry anymore.
ANNA: Here's what I do. (walks up to RK and puts her hand on his shoulder) Whenever I have a secret that I know I can't keep, I take a nice trip to Puget Sound, check out the beautiful scenery or lack thereof, and scream my secret really loud.
RK: That helps?
ANNA: Yeah. Or you could just see that Osborne guy again.
RK: Screw that, he's probably on the lam after another failed drug operation. I'm just going to find someone else if that scream thing doesn't work out.
ANNA: Well, I'm glad you're taking my advice (starts pinching RK's cheeks) because I don't want you to be a nervous wreck, sweetheart.
RK: I'm so lucky to have you. (RK starts smelling something) I think the ranch is expired too.
ANNA: No, that's the beef mustard.
RK: Dude, do you need to clean out your refrigerator or are you trying to plan a terrorist attack?!
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is rewriting the script to "RK vs. Vanna White" when Bitch Clock comes in from the kitchen)
BITCH CLOCK: Since when do you wear reading glasses?
SPARKY: They're writing glasses, they enhance the teleplay experience. And why are you always coming from the kitchen?
BITCH CLOCK: It's the only place I can get my booze. Speaking of which, this Saturday, I'm converting the attic into my own wine fridge and alcohol hotspot, anything that has to do with a bender will be addressed in that room. So I need you out the house for eight hours.
SPARKY: Why are you using my attic?
BITCH CLOCK: Have you seen that place? It's filled with a bunch of junk you never bothered to throw away. I'm pretty sure no ten-year-old boy ever needed a magazine on convoys.
SPARKY: That was Buster's! Oh, Buster. I yelled at him and now he'll never speak to me again.
BITCH CLOCK: Didn't he go all Seltzer and Friedburg on your script?
SPARKY: Yeah, and he was definitely wrong for that, but with Buster, I always felt the need to handle things a different way. I mean, if it's RK or Wade or Jaylynn, they would just insult him but he's my best friend. I always wanted us to have a different relationship whenever he screwed up.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, you can't always expect life to be all black-and-white like that. In my opinion, Buster shouldn't have taken your script and altered it. Why don't you just go over to his condo and straighten things out?
SPARKY: Yeah, I should. I can't stand being mad at him. You're the best, Bitch Clock.
(Sparky hugs a surprised Bitch Clock)
BITCH CLOCK: Aw, kid. You know, it's interesting and kinda sad how an anthropomorphic alarm clock with alcoholism is teaching you about life better than some of these adults.
SPARKY: It really is. Hey, why do you need me gone for eight hours? I'm pretty sure installation won't take that long.
BITCH CLOCK: I know, but I'm bringing over some girls for the inaugural ball and, um...let's just say it's going to get very Adult Party Cartoon up in this mofo.
SPARKY: Dear God.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, unfortunately.
SCENE 11
Loading Dock #43
Exterior Puget Sound
Seattle, Washington
(RK hides behind one of the cargo boxes in a blue sweatshirt and khaki shorts. It looks cool and damp, and the sky is somewhat blue. He sees an orange boat, puts on his sunglasses and his hood, and runs towards it. He dives into it, grabs the paddle and starts rowing.)
(to the camera) RK: Why pay to borrow a boat for a few minutes when I can steal it for free? (winks) OK, all I need to do is row far enough so I know no one can hear me. So much so I can only hear the melodic ear sex of my own voice. (RK starts rowing further and further while singing "The Game is Over" by *NSYNC; He looks around, and stops) OK, I think this is good enough. (takes a breath) SANNA QURESHI IS RETURNING TO iCARLY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! (an echo is heard and the camera pulls back a bit, then goes back to regular orientation) Hey! I feel so much better now. In fact, I think I've learned something important about keeping secrets.
(in a green boat just a few yards away) ASHLEY: So Sanna's coming back to our school?!
(RK looks scared; long pause)
RK: OH, COME THE (BLEEP) ON!
SEGWAY SEGMENT
(The opening of "I'm Not Going Out Like That" by Run-DMC plays in the background as a stop-motion video shows letters forming on a wooden table to create "SEGWAY SEGMENT.")
LITTLE GIRL: (giggles) The segway segment.
("Cult of Personality" by Living Colour playing in the background)
VOICEOVER: It's now time for the fall premiere of Good News with your host, Alasdair Wilkins! Now please welcome your host of Good News, Alasdair Wilkins!
ALASDAIR WILKINS: Hello, ladies and gentlemen to another good edition of Good News. Our news is always good. Not great, not terrible, not even decent, but good. In national news, the Ebola crisis raged on this week as a young man from Florida caught the disease from someone in Texas. Officials say that nobody in Florida wants anything to do with the unlucky Florida patient. Even the man's family disconnected their phone lines and moved out of the Southeast region in a wise attempt to avoid contact. Nobody is sharing anything in New York City because of the recent health scare, with the old saying "Sharing is Caring" turning into the more ominous "(Bleep) Suckas Who Share, I Ain't Catching No Diseases." Surgical masks have been flying off the shelves, but interestingly enough, many African-Americans scared of Ebola refuse to wear condoms. One man was quoted as saying: "AIDS has nothing to do with Ebola. Those are two completely different things. People can get AIDS any time, but Ebola is serious business that can actually kill you." And yes, he was being 100% serious the entire time. In local news here in Seattle, 45 kids have gone missing this week because of a camping trip gone wrong. I repeat, gone wrong. Authorities say that no one seems to care, but reports show that all of the kids are minorities which gives the lack of media attention more credence. In more important news, "The Simpsons Guy" isn't the only crossover looking at mixed to negative reception this month because this Saturday is the long-awaited crossover between Nickelodeon's two live-action heavyweights, The Haunted Hathaways and The Thundermans. Early ratings projections look great as at least 0.3 million people are confirmed to view at least five seconds of the crossover in various areas this Saturday night. I know I will be thinking up excuses as to why I cannot watch this monumental event with my children. Stay safe, people. This has been another edition of Good News with me, Alasdair Wilkins. Remember, everybody. If you're not watching, you don't believe in America, which means you're a terrorist, which makes you Muslim by default despite the fact that your race may not be that. Don't be Muslim by default, nobody wants to.
("Cult of Personality" plays out the show)
SCENE 12
Loading Dock #43
Exterior Puget Sound
Seattle, Washington
(Ashley has moved closer to RK)
RK: Ashley, what are you doing here?! I thought I was alone!
ASHLEY: I love the Puget Sound. Rowing out here and observing the scenery or lack thereof makes me feel like all nautical.
RK: Well, aren't you a little Jacques Cousteau?
ASHLEY: Hey, at least I paid for my boat.
(long pause)
RK: Quit stalking me.
ASHLEY: How do you know Sanna is coming back?
RK: She told me, Wade, and Jaylynn.
ASHLEY: And she didn't tell me? I'm her best friend.
RK: We caught her in the main office, she didn't have a choice. And she wanted us to keep it a secret. Until you just had to stalk me.
ASHLEY: I didn't come here to stalk you, I have better things to do with my time. Look, if you need me to keep the secret, I will. I'm just surprised she hasn't mentioned it to me yet.
RK: Yeah, family is number one. Look, Sanna told me not to tell anyone so you have to pretend you don't know anything.
ASHLEY: Sure. I'll get a chance tomorrow after school. The Masters of the Universe are meeting at Halley's place.
RK: Crap, I thought you guys would die out eventually. I really hope you're able to keep the secret.
ASHLEY: RK, it's OK. You can trust me.
RK: Alright, fine.
ASHLEY: By the way, you have a really nice singing voice.
(nervous) RK: I'M IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Buster are cleaning out the attic in preparation for Bitch Clock's installation of his new wine fridge on Saturday. Buster is dusting the top shelf while Sparky looks through one of his old boxes.)
BUSTER: So look, I still think things are awkward between us.
SPARKY: Why? We already had the conversation at Ike's over ginger ale.
BUSTER: Funny, I don't remember it at all. I feel like things are still awkward because of the show. I mean, what's going to happen with that?
SPARKY: I think I'm done with it.
BUSTER: What?! You can't do that! You have the chance to be on TV! TV knows everything!
SPARKY: It won't be fun if I can't make a plot like that work.
BUSTER: Well, you could just hire adults that are way more talented than you to write episodes. It will make them feel even better about their own work.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I always felt like it should be my show, you know? I want to be like John K. or Trey Parker and Matt Stone or Aaron McGruder.
BUSTER: So, a dictatorship?
SPARKY: Well, if you want to bring so much negativity into the room.
BUSTER: If you want, I could help you with the plot. But I know you don't want me doing anything else so...
SPARKY: No. Maybe we SHOULD collaborate. I mean, you're obviously more of the creative guy.
BUSTER: But after I wrecked the script, I thought you didn't want me intruding.
SPARKY: Yeah, what you did was wrong, but we settled that. Look, you're my best friend and I think you're capable of developing a quality show. As long as we stay in sync at all times and try to come up with a realistic enough idea, we'll have a great cartoon.
BUSTER: I thought it was just a live-action kids show.
SPARKY: Yeah, but animation is so much better. And I want to reinvent Nickelodeon starting there. I want you right beside me when I do, pal.
(Buster smiles)
BUSTER: Aw, I love ya, man!
(Buster hugs Sparky, squeezing him)
(gasping for air) SPARKY: Oh geez, here come the heart palpitations!
BUSTER: I don't even care that this is somewhat deus ex machina. Hey, wait a minute. I have an idea on how your show can make a great pilot.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: When RK arrives to the Wheel of Fortune set, there should be ANOTHER boy dressed up as a girl to get the cash!
SPARKY: Hijinks ensue...
BUSTER: YES! Where's your notebook with story ideas?
SPARKY: Oh, my Norman Lear book? It's in my room and it's red with purple marks all over it.
BUSTER: Back in a flash!
(Buster runs out the room and crashes into Bitch Clock, but this is not seen on camera)
BUSTER: Oh, geez, I'm sorry, Bitch Clock!
BITCH CLOCK: DAMN YOU, I JUST MADE THIS TAPENADE!
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK is singing "Burn Rubber on Me (Why You Wanna Hurt Me)" by The Gap Band when he walks into an angry Wade and Jaylynn standing near his locker)
RK: OK, fine. Jaylynn, I took your headphones and broke them but in my defense, the material was way outdated. Which is why I bought you a newer model. (RK gives Jaylynn a box of new headphones)
JAYLYNN: Oh, thanks, RK. This is so sweet, what was I mad about?
WADE: You know what.
JAYLYNN: No, I don't. Bye guys.
WADE: JAYLYNN!
RK: Bye Jay.
(Jaylynn walks away and Wade slowly turns his head back, angrily)
WADE: I think you know what this is about.
RK: Alright, Wade, I do know what this is about.
(in his head; camera does a close-up shot of RK's sweating face)
RK: I sure as hell know what this is about. I know Wade knows about what happened at Puget Sound, and he's come to neutralize me! I'M DEAD! OK, RK, you can do this. Just come up with a reference of some kind. That will springboard into a new conversation, and he'll forget all about this little incident.
RK: Hey, Wade, did you know that Wheels guy died and no one knew for five years?
WADE: RK, this isn't funny.
RK: I don't think it is, either. Neil Hope was a gifted actor who never saw his light of day.
WADE: RK, why does Ashley know about Sanna coming back to our school?
RK: I don't know. She's nosy as (bleep), what do you expect? Just because she was spying on me when I screamed the secret out loud, doesn't mean she had to tell everyone about it.
WADE: We're the only ones who know. How did Ashley find out anyway?
RK: I just explained that, you just heard what I said. Anna told me the best way to get this burden off of me is to go to an open area and scream my secret. And for some convenient reason, Ashley was there too.
WADE: RK, can't you just accept the fact that people depend on you to keep secrets and you shouldn't make it a big deal every freaking time?
RK: The only thing I need to accept is Sabrina Carpenter not answering my Twitter messages. I mean, she's a busy girl, she's been places. They ain't always that good but that's not her fault.
WADE: I don't think you recognize the fact that Ashley might tell people about this. I mean, she talks to everybody.
(Jaylynn comes back with a chocolate eclair)
JAYLYNN: I wouldn't count on it. We're all meeting today at Halley's place and I'm going to make sure she doesn't squeal.
(RK notices the eclair and is visibly scared)
WADE: What's wrong, RK?
RK: Are you giving me a warning with that eclair?
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?
RK: You know what I'm talking about...Memo. I've seen my inspirational sports movies. You offer me a bite, I get poisoned and I'll never be trusted with a secret again.
(long pause)
WADE: Something about this whole ordeal gets more and more convoluted as time goes on.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is working on the script while Buster appears to be drawing something)
SPARKY: It's done.
BUSTER: Are you sure?
SPARKY: Yup. "RK vs. Vanna White" is officially ready to be given to Nickelodeon for consideration.
BUSTER: Dude, what if Nick rejects us? We have to give this show a home someplace.
SPARKY: Maybe Disney Channel or The Hub. Or Cartoon Network. We can go anywhere we want with this. But as far as I'm concerned, Nickelodeon is least likely to give The New York Diaries the green light.
BUSTER: Which is why we have to go with them.
SPARKY: Exactly. What are you drawing there?
BUSTER: Either a complex storyboard that helps tell the story of our animated program in a humorous way, or some dubbed anime type crap.
SPARKY: I'm going to go with the first one. (Sparky looks at one of Buster's storyboards, which illustrate the first few scenes. These are actual storyboards drawn by Sherm Cohen and Kaz for the episode. An "S.C." is shown on the bottom with a professional-looking "K" right near it.) You drew this singlehandedly?
BUSTER: Well, if not me, then some omnipotent presence.
SPARKY: Why are those initials on the bottom?
BUSTER: We don't need to talk about that.
SPARKY: Damn, Buster, I never realized you had such natural drawing talent. You know what? You can be a storyboard artist for the show.
BUSTER: YES! I get to pull double duty and I actually know what I'm doing! Unlike certain storyboard artists who become writers. (Buster winks at the camera)
SPARKY: I think Nick is ready to see what we've got.
BUSTER: Did you take my helpful hints?
SPARKY: Yes I did. I got rid of filler like Wade dancing around with no pants on, used more subtle biting the hand that feeds you jokes, and all slapstick is now off-camera.
BUSTER: Great. Because everyone knows I dance around with no pants on.
(Sparky slowly stares at Buster)
BUSTER: It makes me feel like I'm actually Tom Cruise! When do we go to Nickelodeon?
SPARKY: Well, the headquarters are in New York City so we can leave on Friday. Buster, we're going to be famous! I can't wait to tell Halley!
BUSTER: I wish I could tell Diana, but I can't.
SPARKY: Why not?
BUSTER: She told me she won't be interested enough.
SPARKY: That's terrible!
BUSTER: No, she just has problems like that.
SPARKY: Oh.
BUSTER: Yeah. But anyway, Nickelodeon.
SCENE 16
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(On the shelf are pictures of Sparky, Halley's parents Michael and Ann, her little sister Ariel, her baby sister Ashley, and her close friend Elliott. Everybody is on the couch except for Halley and Ashley, who are looking at the shelf.)
ASHLEY: Halley, who's this little girl? She's so cute.
HALLEY: That's my sister Ariel. She just recently got emancipated.
(A video clip from The Simpsons episode "Barting Over" is shown when Homer says to Bart, "Emancipated?! Don't you like being a dude?!" Halley and Ashley stare at the camera in confusion, annoyance and disgust when the clip ends.)
HALLEY: Yeah, anyway, this summer, she got a house in Brooklyn, really nice one. I visit her every other weekend. And this is my baby sister Ashley.
ASHLEY: Ah, look how cute I am. (giggling)
HALLEY: Yes, you're adorbs, I know.
JAYLYNN: Ashley, could I speak to you in the kitchen? This won't take long, Halley.
HALLEY: OK.
(blindfolded) GILCANIA: You better not put anything gross in my mouth or there will be a serious boot scar on your hip.
ANJA: Graphic much? And don't worry, this is going to be fun. I guess, I don't exactly know the level of entertainment you'll get out of this, it's just for buildup purposes.
GILCANIA: Put it in my mouth!
ANJA: Calm down, I'll put it in your mouth.
(widened eyes) HALLEY: Put what in who's mouth?
ANJA: I'm doing a taste test with Gilcy. Alright, this is a brand-new kind of soup. (Anja puts the spoon in Gilcania's mouth)
GILCANIA: Ewww. It tastes like raspberry lemonade LifeSavers Gummies.
ANJA: They are. I melted the whole pack down.
GILCANIA: Kinda ewwww.
HALLEY: How did you do that?
ANJA: My own Anja power combined with the divinity of the Sun...and poison.
(Halley stares at Anja confused)
GILCANIA: Anja, you're so strange.
ANJA: I know.
(Jaylynn is standing in front of Ashley from the kitchen)
JAYLYNN: RK is just one of those people who is very...everything. So for his sake, please keep this a secret.
ASHLEY: I already gave that silly kid my word. Why is this such a big deal to him?
JAYLYNN: He wants to prove he can keep a secret because we gave him grief about it the other day. Besides, you and I both know that RK is a hypochondriac mess. Among other things, of course.
ASHLEY: I got it. I just wish RK wasn't so bent out of shape about this.
JAYLYNN: I think I'm going to talk to him tonight. Just tell him to relax and that Sanna won't kill him if everyone knows she's coming back.
ASHLEY: Please. I can't stand to see him like this. He usually has nerves of steel.
JAYLYNN: RK's in a committed relationship, he wouldn't enjoy your flirting.
(Ashley angrily stares at Jaylynn)
ANJA: Do you guys have any disgusting things to put in Gilcy's mouth?
JAYLYNN: I don't want to get involved in this too.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn and KG are high off of marijuana, with a cloud of smoke around them, red eyes and exhausted looks)
JAYLYNN: I hate you.
KG: Why? I set you up with this Albert King sample like you...like you wanted.
JAYLYNN: The (bleep) are you talking about? I was supposed to talk to R about something...something impotent.
(long pause)
KG: Who's R? Are you talking about Rakim?
JAYLYNN: No, no, no...nah, I ain't talking about that Wade boy with his chocolate grape soda skin.
KG: Stop being racist, you little tequila worm at the end of my tequila bottle.
JAYLYNN: I, um...what? You have drugs on you? WHAT?! YOU CAN'T TAKE DRUGS!
KG: WE'RE SMOKING THE DRUGS, YOU SEXY LITTLE WOMAN! WE'RE SMOKING THE DRUGS!
JAYLYNN: I want sausage. Give me some sausage.
KG: I thought you were a...a, um, person who don't eat no meat? A Libertarian!
JAYLYNN: Give me your sausage!
KG: OK, just give me a minute to drop my pants and I'll dangle my hot dog in your face.
JAYLYNN: You'll never be able to do me, I'm homo!
KG: Agh, shut up, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
(The camera pulls back to reveal a bored RK staring at KG and Jaylynn.)
RK: Jaylynn, were you here to tell me something?
JAYLYNN: JONATHAN BOWER, OH MY GOD!
(Jaylynn clutches her heart in weed-induced shock)
RK: You can leave now.
KG: Danny Pintauro?! (Bleep), I thought I killed you.
SCENE 18
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Presidential Office
New York City, New York
SOMEWHERE ON BROADWAY...
(Sparky and Buster are standing in front of Cyma Zarghami and several other Nickelodeon executives, including Russell Hicks, Keith Dawkins, Sarah Levy, and Dan Martinsen)
SPARKY: So, Mrs. Zarghami, The New York Diaries is the kind of show that Nickelodeon not only needs, but desperately needs. We believe it will be popular not only amongst the 2-11 target audience, but among teens and adults as well.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Can it be for teens?
SPARKY: Um, no, it's not a live-action show. It's a cartoon and we don't feel the need to cater to people that shallow.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: I feel like it should be a teen cartoon.
BUSTER: Wouldn't we go to MTV if that was the case?
SPARKY: Look, we have a dynamite show here and we need you slime-covered suits to understand that. See, these are storyboards of the pilot that I gave you to read.
RUSSELL HICKS: Interesting animation. Well, look, guys, I'm going to be frank here.
BUSTER: I thought your name was Russell. Can I call you Rush?
RUSSELL HICKS: No. You two, despite your knowledge, are just two fourth-graders. You come across as naive, the plot for your show seems generic, and if anything, it doesn't have the staying power to actually change the network.
SPARKY: That's not true. I bet this show could get three seasons at the very least.
RUSSELL HICKS: No way a show like this could get three seasons.
SPARKY: So, are we getting picked up or not?
KEITH DAWKINS: Nah.
SARAH LEVY: It's not all that interesting to me.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Yeah, we might just cancel you after the pilot anyway.
BUSTER: Well, Sparky, I'm sure Cartoon Network will take us.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: WAIT! You guys are going to Cartoon Network like Adventure Time?!
SPARKY: Yeah, we have to.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: We'll pick you up for the pilot then.
(Sparky and Buster start cheering and jumping around)
RUSSELL HICKS: Cyma, I don't think these little boys get Nickelodeon.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Please, I know what I'm doing.
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK walks in the middle of the hallway with a soapbox, and stands on top of it)
RK: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is RK Jennings. I have been keeping a precious secret for far too long. I came upon this decision on my way to school today, and I want all of you to know how much keeping this secret has killed me inside.
(Wade and Jaylynn pull RK off the soapbox)
JAYLYNN: RK, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!
RK: I'm thinking it's time everybody knows the truth. Sanna's coming back to iCarly Elementary School and I'm tired of being paranoid about something that may or may not happen.
(Sanna turns the corner and everybody immediately notices, greeting her and everything)
RK: Oh, look who's back.
WADE: Wow, time flies. I had a feeling everything was compressed, like in the span of a half-hour without commercials.
JAYLYNN: Don't be so on the nose about it, shit.
SANNA: Hey guys.
RK: I kept your dirty little secret. I hope you're happy. Here. Take it back! Take it ALL back! (RK starts rubbing Sanna's stomach with his hands while his eyes are closed)
SANNA: Thank you RK, you're a great friend. You really CAN keep a secret.
JAYLYNN: We were just going to tell you that you shouldn't make it a big deal and that Sanna won't kill you for accidentally spilling the beans.
WADE: Mustard.
JAYLYNN: Damn you.
RK: So if you guys had just told me what you just told me but at an earlier time, I probably would've learned a valuable lesson and we wouldn't have had to go through this?
WADE: In layman's terms, that's affirmative.
RK: You know what? (Bleep) you guys. I've been running around playing head games with myself all this time and you choose NOW to drop this Aesop that doesn't mean anything?
JAYLYNN: In a way, it still does. I mean, we were going to tell you...
RK: No, screw that, screw this whole thing. I don't even give a (bleep) if school isn't over yet, I'm going the (bleep) home.
(RK walks away angrily; long pause)
SANNA: You know what you guys said about not giving RK secrets to keep?
WADE: Yeah.
SANNA: I think you should stick to that plan.
JAYLYNN: All I know is I want pancakes.
(black screen)
(standing in Times Square) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("The Game is Over" by *NSYNC playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS