Disclaimer: On my wish list.
A downside to sleeping with Ichigo, Rukia discovered, was that he tended to hog the covers on cold nights. Rukia hated being cold at night.
It reminded her too much of nights in the white tower.
Sometimes she will wake suddenly in the dead of night, cold and clammy, having dreamed of cold white walls and nothing but a thin strip of sky.
The white tower was meant to isolate both power and person, she knew. It never occurred to her that she didn't deserve to be in it. Dimly, in the back of her mind, she was aware that this prison was much too severe for her crimes.
But laying in that tower, night after night, with no company but her own thoughts and the cold seeping into her bones, she managed to convince herself that it better in the tower than anywhere else—wasn't it safer, after all, to be locked away, removed from all dangers?
She got it into her head that it was Byakuya who put her in here, but she didn't mind. Really, she should be thankful to Byakuya-sama for putting her in here. He understood that she could not be like him yet, could not shut herself off from the world while remaining in it. She wasn't old enough, perhaps. Not strong enough.
So he put her in the white tower, taking her away from all distractions, cutting her off from dangers such as battles and contact with others and everything that could leave her weak and vulnerable.
Really, Byakuya-sama was only concerned for her safety. He was protecting her. He had been all along, first keeping her from danger in the field, then keeping her from being able to see anyone who could hurt her. Everything was dangerous, so the only way to stay safe was to avoid it all.
Rukia would lie sleepless and still on the cold bench in the tower and turn these thoughts around and around in her head, twisting them to suit her numb, fractured logic. They were constantly shifting and changing, the products of a half-frozen mind, too tired and too scared to think clearly.
The few times she did sink into a fitful sleep she had nightmares of being encased in a shell, curled into a tiny ball, surrounded by darkness. It was safe in there, she knew, but it still terrified her. She was suffocating, she could not move, she was frozen. It was cold and dark and lonely. But it was safe. She was not in any danger, she knew.
She hated those nightmares, hated how they fogged up her comforting thoughts that it was good to be in here. She would wake from them and look up into the sky and the fear would come crawling back, the fear and anger and loneliness. It was safer to be removed from that, and it was safer to think she was better off imprisoned than it was to allow herself a desire to be free.
Rukia knows now it isn't safer, it's just easier. She knows that it wasn't Byakuya who put her in the tower, although he probably would if he knew she was sleeping with a human. She knows he really is only concerned for her safety, in his own way.
But as much as he thinks he is right, that the only way to protect is to shut off all connections to the world, Rukia knows he is wrong.
Safety should not be an echoing, empty tower or a dank, enclosed shell. Safety should not be a cage. Safety should not be about isolation from all possible dangers—from everything that could leave one helpless and vulnerable. Safety should not be fear.
Safety should not be cold, Rukia knows. Safety should not be lonely.
Safety should be warm. Safety is knowing someone will protect you when you are vulnerable.
Safety is lying against Ichigo's chest, listening to his heart beat and guarding against the chill of night, wrapped in the tight, warm circle of his arms.
Yes. The second fic. Let me know if it makes sense and all that jibber jabber. Thanks for reading!