A/N: This is my first time ever writing fanfiction and evidently the first time I ever wrote GerIta. So for reasons unknown I decided to make it a depressing fanfic… This is the first chapter out of three. It's a tentative number though. Apologies for any syntax or lexical errors – it would be great if you pointed them out to me (if you actually took your time to read it) so I could fix it! Same goes with translation errors.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.
He never came back.
He left and never will come back.
Feliciano wouldn't accept it. Couldn't accept it.
He could never accept that the slightly frightening yet kind person he loved wasn't coming back.
Lovino tapped Feliciano on the shoulder. "You shouldn't space out like that, Feli," he said. Feliciano jumped in surprise and actually managed to fall off the bench he was sitting on. "Look now you've probably gone and bruised your knees." Lovino scowled at Feliciano and helped him get up.
"Thank you, Lovi," Feliciano said with a silly grin plastered over his face. He dusted off his clothes then turned to Lovino. Lovino scowled harder.
"I'm not an idiot; I know the difference between an actual smile and a fake one."
Feliciano's expression changed for a second, but the smile quickly returned. "Okay."
Lovino responded by glaring at him angrily and walking away huffily. "Wait! Lovi!" Feliciano stumbled to catch up to his older brother. The sun was still high in the sky on this particular summer evening. The two brothers passed by children that were chasing each other playfully, raucous adults, and several people lifting weights or sparring. Feliciano and Lovino had been more or less ordered to take a stroll in the park by their grandpa while he discussed matters with a potential candidate to live with. Feliciano's family never stayed in one place for long - they were never able to stay in one place for long. They had lived happily with a man named Antonio for almost half a year. Then Grandpa Roma found out the feelings Antonio had for Lovino. Much to his older brother's dismay, Grandpa Roma had decided to move out of the house they once shared with Antonio after a huge fight with the Spaniard. Although Lovino claimed he didn't care, Feliciano would hear him cry and curse their grandpa at night in the temporary hotel room they shared.
"Grandpa Roma called and told me he found a place to stay," Lovino said without looking back at Feliciano. They walked in silence for a few minutes.
"Where?" Feliciano asked, finally breaking the silence.
"Near that creepy guy Francis and even creepier Russian guy's place. Not a good choice of location if you ask me," Lovino responded. "Grandpa sure knows how to choose the worst places." It was painstakingly obvious he was still bitter about leaving Antonio's house. Bitter about leaving Antonio.
"Are we heading there right now?" Feliciano started skipping alongside Lovino.
"No. We're meeting Grandpa first then going." Lovino glanced at Feliciano. "What are you doing?"
"Skipping." Lovino shook his head at Feliciano's answer. "I'm really happy that we found a place to stay - I mean the hotel was nice and all; they had pretty maids, and they were nice maids, but I'm glad we can stay somewhere that doesn't have cockroaches because cockroaches are sort of scary. Remember that time Grandpa cut of a cockroach's head and-"
"There might be cockroaches there," Lovino interrupted. Feliciano stopped skipping.
"Oh." More silence ensued between the two of them. They walked side by side until the trees started thinning, and the entrance of the park soon came into view. Feliciano perked up when he saw the gaudily dressed man waiting at the entrance. The man appeared middle-age, had brown hair that was slightly tousled due to the wind, and was attracting attention with both his outfit and aura. "Grandpa Roma!" Feliciano called happily. He ran up to his grandpa and gave him a tight hug. Lovino trudged towards them.
"Feli! Lovi! I found a wonderful place to stay." Grandpa Roma grabbed Lovino in his arms so he was now hugging both his grandsons.
"Between two madmen," Lovino muttered darkly. Grandpa Roma awkwardly patted Lovino's head and then let both of them go.
"Francis is a good guy, don't worry about him. I can't say the same thing for Ivan, but I'm sure he won't be bothering us while I'm here," Roma assured him. "Now let's go check out where we're going to live and greet everybody!" He took Feliciano's hand and grabbed hold Lovino's.
"I'm not six anymore, Grandpa."
Grandpa Roma let go of Lovino's hand and shrugged. Feliciano could tell Grandpa was hurt - he was pretty sure Lovi could too. "C'mon, Grandpa," Feliciano said cheerfully. "Let's go!" He tugged at Grandpa Roma's hand. Roma smiled warmly down at Feliciano. As the two began walking in the direction of their new home, Feliciano began skipping again. Lovino followed close behind. At least he did until Feliciano and Roma burst into song. Then he put a distance of about five feet between them.
Grandpa Roma and Feliciano were in the middle of enthusiastically singing the chorus of "And I Will Always Love You" when they arrived. "Germans," Roma said. He had stopped singing. "It's two German brothers we're living with. One of them is really well-organized." Feliciano could tell. The first thing he had noticed was the perfectly trimmed lawn with strategically placed greenery and various lawn gnomes. The German flag waved proudly from where it hung on a window. The house itself consisted of two floors and was painted red with white windowsills and red geraniums in flower pots. A clichéd white picket fence enclosed the backyard. Everything about the house gave off this orderly air. While Feliciano was admiring the well-tended row of small shrubs in the front yard, Lovino and Roma had already walked up to the front door. Feliciano hurried after the two and vaguely wondered when Grandpa Roma had let go of his hand. When Feliciano had reached the front door, Grandpa Roma had already unlocked the door. Together, the three entered the house. The inside of the house was just as neat as the outside. White walls greeted them.
"Where are they?" Feliciano asked Grandpa Roma.
"I hear something from the kitchen," Roma replied.
"I smell something from the kitchen." Lovino wrinkled his noise.
"Doesn't smell like pasta," Feliciano added a bit sadly. Grandpa Roma took a few steps toward and signaled for Lovino and Feliciano to follow.
Sure enough, there was a man cooking in the kitchen. He must have been awfully caught up in his cooking, Feliciano reasoned, for the man did not notice that he had company. Lovino cleared his throat and the man turned around, surprised he was not alone. Lovino had to suppress a giggle. The man was wearing a pink apron with an intricate flower design. However, it wasn't the apron that made Lovino snicker, it was the man that was wearing it. Other than the apron, there was nothing feminine about him. He had blond hair that was slicked back, shocking blue eyes, and a muscular build - he was the complete opposite of Feliciano. The German glanced at the violin-shaped clock nearby. "You're early," he stated.
"Ludwig!" Roma slapped Ludwig on the back, ignoring his previous comment. "Where's your brother? What are you cooking? Wait, sorry, introduce yourself first!" Roma told him.
Ludwig looked confused as he tried to soak up all the questions, and he narrowed his eyes in concentration. Both Lovino and Feliciano subconsciously took a step backwards. "Uh, I'm Ludwig Beilschmidt. This is wurst. And Gilbert's still asleep." He stood there awkwardly when he finished speaking.
Lovino stared suspiciously at Ludwig from behind Feliciano. Grandpa Roma looked at Lovino and Feliciano expectantly. Feliciano knew Lovino would not say anything until he did, so he took a deep breath and stuttered out, "Uh, hi Ludwig Beelsmit, Bilshmit, uh, hi Mr. Ludwig, sir." It was obvious that Ludwig intimidated him. "I'm Feliciano Vargas, but you can call me Feli because Feliciano is sort of long, and all my friends call me Feli, and I would like to become friends with you because we live together anyways, and friends are nice." Feliciano paused to catch his breath, and Lovino took the chance to elbow him.
"Feli. Babbling," Lovino said under his breath.
"Well, then you say something," Feliciano whispered back. Lovino shuffled his feet. Ludwig was still trying to formulate an answer to Feliciano's unique introduction.
"I'm Lovino Vargas," Lovino began. "And you can call me Lovino." Feliciano waited but Lovino didn't say anything else. Ludwig also waited a while before answering, probably expecting something like Feliciano's introduction.
Ludwig nodded when he realized Lovino wasn't going to say anything else. "It's nice to meet yo-" A loud crash stopped him in mid-sentence.
"Who the hell decided it was a good idea to move the freaking vase onto the stairs?" someone yelled. Ludwig gritted his teeth. A young man with red eyes and hair so pale it looked white (in fact, it might actually be white) strode into the kitchen. He wore blue pajamas with…. Feliciano squinted. Where those yellow things birds?
"Guten Morgen!" he yelled cheerfully.
"Glibert, it's not morning anymore," Ludwig informed the man through his teeth.
"Cheer up, Luddy!" Gilbert slung his arm around Ludwig.
"Whether or not it's morning has nothing to do with how cheerful I am." Ludwig eyed Glibert cagily. "Are you still drunk?"
Gilbert opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He had caught sight of Lovino who held Gilbert's gaze for a while and then sharply asked, "What?"
"Oh man," Gilbert laughed. "You're the one, aren't you?" Lovino looked at Gilbert warily. "You're the one getting it onwith the Spaniard." Gilbert winked.
Lovino turned completely red. "WHAT THE HELL YOU BASTARD," he shouted. "I AM NOT! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO SAY THAT?" Lovino had come out from behind Feliciano with a new found murderous rage. Roma put a hand on Lovino's shoulder, holding him back. Gilbert smirked and didn't bother to introduce himself. Feliciano stood there awkwardly, and Ludwig put his hand on his head.
Gilbert gave Lovino a quick onceover. "Not too bad when it comes to looks, but what a personality! Antonio's always had a bad eye for guys." He shook his head exaggeratedly.
Lovino looked like he was going to have an epileptic seizure, causing Grandpa Roma to hold Lovino's shoulder firmer. Lovino was about to scream at Gilbert again, but he thought better of it. Instead, he turned around and suspiciously stared Grandpa Roma in the eye. "Did you know? Know about this complete nut job?" he asked, placing emphasis on the last three words. Grandpa Roma looked taken aback, but didn't say anything. That was all the answer Lovino needed. He stomped out of the kitchen yelling, "I'm going to go claim a room. I need a moment - a good 24 hours away from all you bastards."
Grandpa Roma sighed but didn't go after him. Ludwig glared at Gilbert, who just shrugged. It could have been worse, Feliciano thought. They were probably going to move soon anyways. Feliciano guessed that they would be gone in about a month.
"Hey, there wouldn't be any cockroaches in this house, right?"
Everybody stared at Feliciano who immediately regretted blurting out something so stupid. He could never control that mouth of his. Thankfully, Ludwig recovered quickly, and he shook his head. Gilbert took the liberty to enunciate his answer (which was the same as Ludwig's) before helping himself to some cereal.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Lovino never came out of the room, but dinner wasn't that great anyways in Feliciano's opinion. Then again, he only settled for gourmet cooking and was awfully critical when it came to food. Grandpa Roma had apologized for Lovino's behavior, and the two Germans had quickly forgiven them (Gilbert claimed to be Prussian). Feliciano didn't think either of them was upset anyways. Ludwig had made it clear that he felt Gilbert was the one in the wrong for provoking Lovino. Gilbert made it clear that he didn't see anything to be upset about, and in his mind, neither Lovino nor he did anything wrong. Feliciano wondered why Grandpa chose this house in the first place when he knew that one of Antonio's friends lived here.
It was decided somewhere during dinner that Feliciano would room with Lovino. Ludwig offered to share a room with Gilbert, allowing Feliciano to sleep in his room, but Gilbert petulantly whined that he needed his own room. He gave a bunch of reasons; one of them being that Ludwig snored at night and another being too vulgar to repeat. Ludwig quickly denied that he did any of the aforementioned things. Grandpa Roma closed the subject by saying Feliciano and Lovino would share a room like they usually did.
When Feliciano entered with an armful of blankets and pillows (given to him by Ludwig), Lovino was already asleep.
Feliciano scanned his new room before heading towards the vacant bed near Lovino's. The beat of his footsteps matched Lovino's steady breaths. Today had been a long day, Feliciano thought as he laid out the blankets.
"Feli?" Lovino murmured groggily. Feliciano giggled. Lovino wasn't a light sleeper, but he always managed to wake up when Feliciano, Antonio, or Grandpa Roma entered the room; it was one of the ways Lovino subconsciously showed his love. Antonio. Feliciano dismissed the questions in his mind – he shouldn't be intruding on other people's affairs. "Wha's so funny?" Lovino sounded drunk. But he couldn't be, for there was nowhere to get any kind of alcohol here. Unless he ignored Grandpa's demands and packed some wine. Feliciano dismissed that thought.
"I'm sorry for waking you, Lovi," Feliciano said. "I just finally got back and oh, that was a long day. The hosts are a bit intimidating; I had no idea what to say! And I was all alone too!" Lovino grumbled something about Grandpa Roma and an apology. It wasn't a direct apology, like "sorry" though, but it was as close to an apology that you were going to get from the grumpy Italian.
Lovino rolled over, which signaled the end of their short conversation. Feliciano didn't mind, he was just as tired as Lovino and eager to get some sleep. He lifted the blankets and crawled into the foreign bed. The bed was hard, so despite the fact that Feliciano was tired, it took some time for him to fall asleep. He listened to Lovino's breathing and the sound of the air conditioner for what must have been at least half an hour before finally drifting off to sleep.
However, sleep did not come without dreams, and Feliciano had a nightmare. Not the one where all the pretty girls left him, or when Lovino finally snapped and rid Feliciano of all the ingredients he carried with in case he needed to make pasta. (The ones Lovino considered frivolous and stupid – and Feliciano did have to admit, they were not the most sensible dreams.) It was the one that hadn't come back for years, the one he hoped that wouldn't come back again. Feliciano woke up with tears streaming down his eyes and a very dry throat. He didn't bother to wipe his tears prior to jolting out of his bed and sprinting to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He was pretty sure Lovino noticed, but his older brother had no idea how to calm him when he was in that state, and after a while, he stopped trying.
Feliciano burst into the kitchen, hoping he didn't wake anyone, to a blinding light. When his vision cleared, he saw Ludwig in an apron, holding a bag of bread in his hand. Feliciano would have laughed if the situation were not so dire, and his face were clean from tears. Ludwig stared at Feliciano with an utter look of confusion.
"Hello!" Feliciano said. He attempted to look cheerful, but it was pretty much impossible after the dream. Feliciano glanced up at the clock. It was 3 am. "What are you doing up so early?" Ludwig knit his eyebrows together, and Feliciano assumed that Ludwig wanted to direct Feliciano the same question.
"I was making lunch for Gilbert. He has a date tomorrow. And what are y-" Ludwig paused when he noticed Feliciano's tear streaked face. He face betrayed no emotion, but inside he was panicking.
"So, what are you making?" Feliciano made an attempt to clear his face of tears, but new ones replaced them. Ludwig looked away and informed Feliciano he wasn't capable of making anything but sandwiches and wurst. To Ludwig's the surprise, the Italian actually laughed, which caused Ludwig to turn red.
"Then I'll help you make pasta!" Feliciano offered. He had forgotten about the dry throat, and to Ludwig's relief, his tears had stopped. Feliciano waited for Ludwig's laconic approval and then magically produced all the material to make pasta. The two of them got onto the job immediately, and after the first few awkward minutes, they had settled into a comfortable conversation where Feliciano did most of the talking. And cooking. Ludwig was just rushing over supplies and cleaning, as the Italian demonstrated his prowess in the kitchen.
The dream he had completely flew out of his mind when he saw Ludwig covered with flour and blushing red. By the end of the whole experience, there were two bowls of pasta and a German covered with white flour and sauce. Feliciano couldn't help but laugh. "I was the one doing all the cooking, yet you ended up getting all the flour on yourself!" the Italian said incredulously. Ludwig returned a small smile and attempted to dust himself off, only to fail miserably. This prompted Feliciano to go and take a shot, but of course, it didn't work. The only change was that Ludwig became visibly redder whilst he told Feliciano enough was enough and that he would just take a shower and then wash the clothes.
Feliciano complied and gave a smile that belied his hurt, which came from the fact Ludwig pushed him away - and no matter how gently Ludwig did it or for what good reason, he still rejected Feliciano. It wasn't well-masked hurt though (either that or Ludwig was just very discerning), and it pressed Ludwig to say, "That was... fun. We should do something together again." His words slowly trailed off and he started tensely at Feliciano. This time Feliciano's smiled was real.
"That would be great!" Feliciano replied enthusiastically. An idea came to him, and he decided to take advantage of the situation. "In fact, can I sleep next to you?" Feliciano beseeched. He chose his wording carefully, hoping not to scare Ludwig away. Nonetheless, Ludwig's blue eyes widened to the point where it was almost comical, and the blush was back. "Per favore?" Feliciano pleaded. "I don't want to fall back asleep alone." There were a bunch of things Ludwig could say in response, ranging from "it's already 5 am, just don't go back to sleep" to "what about Lovino or your grandpa?" but he simply sighed and nodded his head slowly.
"I'll shower first, you can go clear out a spot for yourself on my bed," Ludwig told the all too excited Italian. "And only this once," he added as an afterthought. However, Ludwig's statement fell upon deaf ears for Feliciano had already skipped out the kitchen as quietly as he could and ran up to Ludwig's room.
Feliciano squirmed in Ludwig's sheets. This bed was even harder than the one he first slept in, and he was beginning to regret his choice. Ludwig slept on a queen-sized bed – well at least he slept on one side of the queen-sized the bed. The other side was covered with engineering magazines and pictures of cars that Feliciano moved on the empty desk located in the far right side of the room. He let out a deep breath and rolled over to Ludwig's side of the bed. It was already early in the morning and the only thing keeping the beams of sunlight from the room was the thick curtains; Feliciano wagered that Grandpa Roma would be up in a few hours.
A squeaking noise signaled the turning of a knob, and the sound of water hitting skin stopped. Ludwig must have finished showering. Feliciano buried his head into Ludwig's pillow and took a deep breath before rolling from the side of the bed with Ludwig's smell. Several moments later, the German walked in, still slightly wet from the shower. He had only sweatpants on and a towel draped around his shoulder. Ludwig glanced at Feliciano who ducked his head under the covers to avoid eye contact and then continued to dig around in his drawers, seemingly unfazed by the Italian's embarrassment.
Feliciano never really noticed how beautiful the German was. Not the standard type of beauty though, no, Ludwig was definitely not beautiful as in fragile and delicate beautiful, but rather a strong. sturdy kind of beautiful. Feliciano quashed the thoughts in his head that were becoming incoherent and peeked out of the blankets. Ludwig had thrown on a white tank top which did little to hide his amazing structure. He walked towards the bed and hesitated.
"If you change your mind I understand," Ludwig said. Feliciano shook his head. Despite the fact Ludwig was really intimidating, Feliciano felt safe near him. Plus he was afraid of sleeping alone again in fear of the nightmares coming back. He would sleep with Grandpa Roma, but that meant telling him about the nightmares, which in turn meant that Grandpa would fuss over him and cause a commotion. He didn't want to tell Lovino either - Feliciano had troubled him enough. Though Grandpa probably wouldn't want me troubling the hosts either, Feliciano realized. It was a bit too late now.
Ludwig scratched his head nervously and slipped into bed, lying next to him so they were facing opposite of each other, backs almost touching but not quite. They stayed like this for a while, until Feliciano decided to take a chance and roll over a bit, so their backs did touch and he felt the warmth that was practically emanating from Ludwig - the warmth that's present an hour or two after showering. He waited with bated breath for the German to pull away or make some kind of indication that the sudden action was unwelcome, but nothing changed. Feliciano smiled contentedly, and pretty soon he was on the precipice of sleep and dreams regardless of his inability to sleep well on hard mattresses. It might have been his imagination (or it might have been a dream), but Feliciano felt Ludwig roll over so they were face to face and then brush his hair and that one errant curl out of his face. Moments later Ludwig said something he couldn't make out before Feliciano finally fell in the dark abyss of sleep.
"Träum was schönes."