A Shattered Snowflake
The wind howled unintelligently in the young woman's room, but to its occupant, the current of air was intimidating her like it always did. It felt as though it was trying to eat away at the remains of this poor girl's mind with its taunts, jeers, and curses.
You stupid, cursed girl! The wind roared. My poor, little Elsa. My ugly, pathetic monster.
Eighteen year old Elsa hugged herself desperately trying to ignore the wind. Alas, like everything she thought she ever done, it was in vain. How come concealing her emotions was not working she wondered as her throbbed in anger and sadness?
Aww. Daddy's little advice of 'Conceal. Don't Feel' not working, Elsa? The wind mocked. Come on, wench, try harder! Monsters aren't supposed to have feelings.
"SHUT UP!" Elsa yelled through her throat. "JUST SHUT UP!"
But the wind was relentless with its harassments as it swirled around the room, which was already a winter nightmare. Snow covered every piece of furniture like an oversized blanket. Sharp icicles extended from the walls to scare intruders and even Elsa herself. Even though, she did not want to scare anyone off.
That's not true! The wind chortled. That's just not damn true! Mama and Papa were scared of your powers.
Elsa simply nodded in broken defeat. What was the point? She was a failure. A freak. An abomination unworthy of love.
They feared it! They feared you! The wind shouted in rage. You! Their greatest disaster. You! The demon that almost killed their sweet, innocent, NORMAL daughter, Anna.
Elsa's breath rapidly increased. Especially when the wind mentioned the word 'normal.' To say she was hyperventilating was nearly an understatement. This was another one of her many panic attacks that either happened before a snowstorm occurred or after the storm arrives. Either way, Elsa lost so much hope that everything was going to be okay, she considered it a miracle if she hadn't lost consciousness due to her freak outs.
Oh what's the matter? The wind ridiculed. The guilt finally catching up to you? All alone now that mommy and daddy drowned in the eternal ocean?
The princess could do nothing but listen to the wind bombarding her with dark comments. The worst part was that Elsa thought all of them to be true.
Her parents were dead. Gone. The only two people in the world who wanted anything to do with her had moved on to another world.
She remembered the day very well. All she wanted was for her parents to return from their trip so that her mother could continue with Elsa's lessons. Those lessons were the only thing remaining in her life from which she received an iota of joy. So when she learned that her parents' boat was lost at sea, Elsa completely lost it. Her dark, warped mind snapped.
The wind continued to haunt her ever since that day.
Look on the bright side, the wind foully cooed. At least they won't have to put up with a sniveling imbecile of a daughter LIKE YOURSELF!
"Please," Elsa weakly begged. She had no strength in her left to continue. "Just leave me alone."
NO! YOU LITTLE BRAT! The wind hollered. But in it faux fatherly voice, it said. After all, I for the life of me can't figure out why you have the nerve to CARE about other people. Monsters like you are unable to connect to DECENT human beings.
Besides, The wind continued, You're obviously hurting about your parents' death. What sort of friend would I be to not keep you company? In case you do something stupid like killing yourself.
The wind's sudden empathy did not go unnoticed by Elsa.
Only for it to be revealed that it was all a ruse. What was I thinking, dearie? Suicide might be the best idea for you. Elsa's "friend" said in a falsely compassionate tone. I'm so sorry that I quickly shot down your idea. Can you ever forgive me?
Yes, Elsa really did think that a failure such as her should have its life cut short. She thought that for… about five years now when the realization that she would never control her powers set in. Might as well end it. Might as well make everyone happy.
But like with everything else, Elsa was too afraid to go along with it.
Bah! The wind scoffed. You're nothing but a little piece of filth, you know that? You won't kill yourself, but you won't give US the pleasure of going to your parent's funeral.
Elsa let out a solid, frozen tear as the snow began to fall again.
To think, you've denied us the JOY of exposing you to your precious little kingdom. By keeping your sad self in this room, you forbade me and our mutual friends the FUN. The worst part is that I was going to be the tame one. I was just going to blow around like a child. Our first mutual friend, Deadly Ice, would have sprouted from the ground and stabbed everyone. Maybe some of those fools would have died when an icicle pierced an organ at juuuuust the right spot!
Elsa covered her ears again crying. "Conceal. Conceal! Conceal! Please, for once in your life can you just not feel? Please?"
The wind continued, unfazed, Our second friend, Sheering Cold, will pick off any remaining fool with its presence. To actually watch your citizens and more importantly, your sister, slowly freeze to death right in front of your eyes will be like getting everything I ever wanted on Christmas. What a pleasure that would have been!
The broken princess just sobbed and continued to listen to the wind. At least by staying in her room she protected everyone from the world's worst monster: herself.
Oh don't go acting all noble now, my dear. The wind chortled. A freak like you can only keep up this charade of being the perfect girl for so long. Why delay the inevitable? Why bother living day to day in fear wondering when, not if, WHEN the REAL you leaks out? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy this torture, my friend, but even I know that it's killing you on the inside.
And let's face, it's more fun watching a dead woman walking when she KNOW she's going to die soon. The random, jumbled thoughts and emotions swirling inside someone knowing they're about to die, is much more fun to watch. Much more raw and feral!
So the way I see it, you have three options: You can continue this facade. You could let your powers slip and wait for the lynch mob. Or you could just jump from the roof. Either of those things is fine with me. Think it over, though. Wouldn't want you to make a decision you would come to regret.
The wind cackled evilly as it finally stopped howling.
The snow princess could not believe that those were her choices. Oh who she was kidding? Those were her choices. Her parents couldn't help her anymore. And Anna hated her. Elsa knew that last part was very true. But Elsa could never blame Anna for hating her. She was not exactly big sister of the year. In fact, Elsa always dreamt that after she'd died, Anna would be a remarkable queen. She would open the gates back up and bring prosperity to Arendelle. And Elsa would be more than happy knowing that Anna would be a glorious queen while she, the monster, would have her body eaten away by the worms.
And THAT was what Elsa considered to be a happy dream.
Still huddled against the door, Elsa watched as the snowflakes were in suspended in the air. She knew what this meant. She always knew this feeling.
Complete hopelessness.
The tear ducts were empty, the cries became dry, and even Elsa's best friend "the wind" subsided.
So she could clearly hear someone knocking at her door.
"Elsa?"
Elsa's ears perked up. She recognized that sweet voice. It was the voice of her sister. But she that wasn't knocking her signature knock.
Suddenly, Anna's soothing voice began to sing sadly, "Please, I know you're in there."
Of course, where else would I be? The bigger sister thought.
"People are asking where you've been."
Away from them, where I won't hurt anybody.
"They say of courage and I'm trying too. I'm right here for you. Just let me in."
I… I… I can't. I'm so sorry.
Elsa could feel a slight bump from the door as Anna slid down from it. It was her first human contact in a long a while and it wasn't even directly. "We've only have each other. It's just you and me. What are we gonna do?"
No, Anna. It's always been you. You were able to look out for yourself and grown into a beautiful young woman.
"Do you want to build a snowman?"
And there it was: Anna's signature question she always asked. Elsa actually let her sister metaphorically bury their parents alone and Anna was still naïve enough to love the weakling of an older sister.
It was at that moment that the last strand of Elsa's sanity snapped and all of her thoughts swarmed inside the void of her mind just to make sense of her little sister. The one person who had the best reasons to hate her, or maybe she did hate Elsa and wanted to yell at her for saying goodbye to their parents all by her lonesome.
Let her be the one, The wind whispered.
Elsa was confused by the malevolent wind's phrase. So it decided to clarify.
Let her be the one to find out about your REAL self, you witch. She'll run off screaming to the guards hollering at them to deal with the abomination that you are.
That temptation was sweet to Elsa's shattered mind.
You said it, yourself. Out of everyone in your sad, godforsaken life, she was the one you've did the most injustice to. Just think? Letting her know will put everyone out of their misery. And give her the revenge she rightfully deserves.
Yes. Yes. This could actually work. Anna was being naive if she thought her sister was worthy of her love. But showing Anna why she's a mistake could quell her obviousness once and for all. Elsa would show Anna her room, Anna would freak out. She and the council will arrange for Elsa's execution. Anna would become a marvelous queen on Earth. Their parents would watch a spectacular queen happily from Heaven. And Elsa would suffer eternity in Hell.
Everyone would get what they wanted.
Might as well. Elsa thought. I've lost everything else. Might as well lose my life.
With sudden disturbed, bravery, Elsa stood up and turned towards the door. To think, this cursed door was going to bother her no more.
On the other side of the door, fifteen year old Anna remained unaware of her sister's pain. Why did her sister lock her out for ten years? She replayed every day prior to Elsa's sudden mood swing as vividly as she could. Yet, there was nothing out of the ordinary that Anna done to make Elsa hate her. If only…
Suddenly the doorknob clicked. It was a sound Anna longed to hear since she was five and she savored every second of it. And by another miracle, the door creaked open. Anna was silently beside herself as she ignored the sudden blast of cold touching her face.
All because of the third and finale miracle of hearing Elsa's voice, "O…okay, Anna. You can come in. There's something that you should see."
Anna wondered why Elsa sounded so weak. Was she sick? Was she truly crying behind this door that had blocked her from hugging her all these years?
Anna did not know what to expect when she opened the door to her sister's room. Maybe Elsa didn't have furniture of her own. Maybe Elsa's room was so clean, no dirt or grime was anywhere in the room.
But she would never expect that Elsa's room was completely covered in snow and frost, nor would she expect to find Elsa standing in a corner with her eyes expressing nothing but empty death.
"E…Elsa?" Anna asked with concerned. "How? Why all this snow? How did it get in your room? It's not even fall yet."
Taking in the fact that she's spending her last days on Earth talking to her sister, Elsa gave a deep breath and answered, "I was born with the powers of snow. It just… happens."
Anna noticed that Elsa was explaining magic. Magic actually exists and for some reason, but Elsa was saying it with a regal yet fearful tone.
"But Elsa, I don't understand," Anna wondered. "It's not like you can hurt any…."
"Actually, I have hurt someone," Elsa interrupted. The moment of truth was about to exposed itself and Elsa can finally get the ultimate peace she desperately crave.
"What? Who?"
Anna could not believe her eyes when her sister pointed at her and meekly said, "You."
"When? I never knew you could do this."
So Elsa proceeded to tell Anna everything. From the fateful moment where Elsa struck Anna in the head by accidentally to when the trolls altered Anna's memory so she would forget that Elsa had powers. As Anna listened, she had an expression that Elsa could not read. What could she possibly be thinking?
"And that's why I shut you out. That's why the gates were closed. And that's how I ruined everyone's lives. All because I can't control… THIS!" Elsa concluded, and gestured at the fallen snow.
Anna still remained silent.
"I'll understand if you hate me. I can't say that I blame you to be honest. I'll understand if you go to the guards and tell them to arrest me," Elsa continued.
"Wait… what?" Anna sadly asked. "Hate you? Elsa, I don't hate you. I never hated you."
And whatever remaining semblance of rational thought remained in Elsa's mind was truly gone.
"No!" Elsa cried. "You have to hate me. You must hate me! Please! Just hate me!"
"I don't hate you," Anna softly said. "I love you."
"PLEASE HATE ME!"
Anna was taken aback by her sister's roar as well as the sudden roar of the wind. Noticing that the wind returned again, Elsa clutched her head in agony expecting the wind's harsh remarks. Elsa was not the picture of sophisticated grace, but a lonely, broken, self-loathing shell of a woman who truly thought that she never deserved love.
As Anna walked towards Elsa to hug, the older sister backed away, "Please, no! I don't want to hurt you, again. Like I did every day since the ballroom. Please, just tell everyone my secret, so they can execute me! Let me make it up to you."
"What?!" Anna gasped as tears fell from her eyes. "Elsa, how could you say that? I want you in my life. I still need you! Who else am I gonna look up to? Who am I…"
Elsa couldn't believe ears. Anna still looked up to her foolish sister. Why? Does she need to be reminded of the pain she caused?
But what Elsa did not truly expect was her sister to gasp and say, "Oh God. I'M the monster."
"What?" Elsa was dumbfounded. Anna was not the sister whose mind deteriorated. She wasn't the monster who was cursed with unholy powers.
"I… I… didn't know you were suffering. I thought you hated me. But now that I truly think about, you were suffering all this time. Every time you said 'Go Away, Anna', you said it in sadness. But you never said it in anger. Any little time I saw you, you were always sad when you looked at me. Not annoyed. Oh my gosh!
"It's true, Elsa. I'm the monster. Not you! ME! I'm the selfish devil who was too stupid and too obsessed with my own pain to know that my own sister was miserable as well. Oh Elsa, can you ever forgive me?"
Anna thought she was the monster? Surely that could not be true, she never took a life. What small amount of time she ever saw Anna, she always smiled. She always…
Concealed and did not feel. Or in her case, did not allow herself to feel her REAL feelings.
"Anna," Elsa quietly said. "You don't have to apologize. I never blamed you."
"But why not?" Anna cried. "If I had just listened to you when I was five, none of this would have happened!"
"It's okay," Elsa repeated. Here she was, trying to comfort her sister while hoping Anna that would be ready to the responsible thing.
But loving Anna still did not want to kill her. Elsa thought herself a fool. Of course she wouldn't even if she did hate Elsa. And what right did she have to burden that task on someone? Especially someone as kind and sweet Anna.
The kind and sweet Anna who was inching herself closer to Anna just so she could hug the monster.
"No, please!" Elsa begged. "I'm going to hurt you. Just stay away from me. My powers… I'll end up killing you!"
Anna frowned. Had Elsa denied herself physical affection from her parents as well in fear of hurting them? Had Elsa really go that long without human contact?
But clever Anna always did have an idea, "Okay I'll stay away… And no I won't."
"Huh?"
"Elsa, you're very upset about your powers. And I know rushing in like I always do is going to make stuff worse. I can't say that I understand how you have been suffering.
"But I can't just leave you alone by yourself, when you thought I was going to kill you because of the snow."
Elsa sniffed as she rubbed her redden eyes.
"So I won't touch you. I won't talk to you. I won't beg you play tickle bumps. And I'll keep my distance."
Anna prove that by backing further away to make Elsa more comfortable, "But I'm staying right here with you until you're ready."
"You would do that… for me?" Elsa asked. Why was Anna so patient?
"I've waited ten years to see you again. I think I can manage a few more days… okay weeks…. okay months… okay however long you need," Anna nervously giggled at her poor joke.
"But I'm confused. After everything I've done to you, why?"
"Because I love you, Elsa." Anna responded like she answered a child asking a silly question. "Nothing will ever change that."
At that sentence, Elsa's heart was not filled with sadness, bitterness, coldness, or hopelessness like it always was for years. This feeling was now reemerging warmth of joy.
Elsa launched herself towards her sister and gave her a great, big hug and cried into her shoulders.
"Oh…Anna," Elsa hiccupped during her crying. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"You don't have to apologize. I never blamed you," Anna answered.
Even the wind currently gently swirling around the sisters had a different tune.
To think, I actually egged you on to die. The wind said with sincerity. I truly am sorry my little monster…. No… Not monster. Little snowflake. That is what you are.
The sisters cried in each other's arms for a few more minutes. When they no longer had anymore tears left, they simply sat together in silence. Their relationship and their mental states would take a lot of repair, but they were on the road to recovery.
It also helped that whenever Anna was around, Elsa noticed the ice always melted much faster.