A fist of ice reached into his chest and squeezed. His heart sputtered. The fist pulled. His heart hurt.
He never got to say good-bye.
Gaara heard his own harsh breathing, the sound of crunching wood, the hiss of sand sliding over his skin and across the floor.
This isn't supposed to happen.
He isn't supposed to be so far away.
There was a broken howl that sucked all of the oxygen out of the conference room. It erupted from deep within him and escaped with the ferocity of a shattered human being.
He has to get home.
The Raikage was coming towards him out of the corner of his eye.
He has to get home.
He is so far away.
The sand came up and around him –
He should have never have left.
This is not suppose to happen.
He never got to fight for him.
Destruction followed him. He had no time to be careful. He had no time to be wreckless. He moved and that was all he had time for.
He collapsed at the gates to his own village, vision blurred, lungs burning, legs and arms numb. Everywhere else was a dull, sore throb of agony. His heart stuttered. Squeezed. He sucked in a deep breath and inhaled sand. The world went black.
It hurt, when he woke up. His body.
But nothing hurt as much as turning his head and seeing his brother by his side, bags under his eyes and hat in one hand, head in the other. He looked up into Gaara's face, eyes never quite meeting his.
"Don't know why you risked killing yourself to get back, but, uh... I can't say I'm upset about it." Not only was he not meeting his eyes, they were glossy. Kankuro's hands knotted in the fabric of his knees. "Gaara, Lee – he went into labor prematurely." He opened his mouth to say more. Nothing came out.
But Gaara already knew and he didn't need to hear Kankuro say it. He didn't want him to.
"I want to see him," he tried to say. Not all of the words could be heard and his throat scratched. Kankuro understood him anyway and shook his head.
"Don't do that to yourself. Don't, alright? Gaara, the medics, they managed to save the baby." He winced. "His baby... Your baby. He's a little small, but they say he's healthy and..." He choked on a laugh. "He looks a lot like him."
Gaara's hands shook at his sides. "Take. Me. To. Him." He made sure not to be misunderstood this time.
It was not a request and he was not asking for advice.
He wanted to see Lee.
He wanted to see his husband.
He didn't care about anything else.
"What about –" Kankuro cut himself off to lunge forward and grab at Gaara as he forced himself out of bed. "Alright, have it your way. Him first. Then the baby."
He didn't want to see the baby, though.
His child is the reason why Lee isn't alive anymore.
He limped with Kankuro's support to the morgue. He saw the cot, set to the right of the room, with a pure white cotton sheet thrown over it, the outlines of a body beneath.
The knowing was acidic in his chest.
There rested his husband.
His child put Lee here.
Lee is gone.
"Leave."
His brother gave him a hard look. "I'm not going anywhere."
Again, Gaara was not making a request or giving advice.
What little chakra he had went into tossing his brother out and securing the door. On the other side, Kankuro pounded and growled and yelled. Gaara ignored him.
He crawled into the cot, moving the sheet aside.
Lee was cold and stiff. The shades of red and tan that had marked him alive had dulled to gray and blue. The sheen of his hair was gone and his features almost appeared sunken in.
The worst part was how still he was. Completely without energy, without motion.
Lee is gone.
The cot was hard and had no heat to share with Gaara. He pillowed Lee's head on one arm and held him with the other. The stitches of his Cesarean cut prickled at Gaara's skin.
He didn't say anything. He couldn't think of a reason why to have a conversation with someone who could not hear him. He couldn't even think of a good reason why he was curling around a corpse. He didn't move away, though. He couldn't.
Lee is never coming back.
Lee is never going to smile again.
Lee is gone.
Lee loved him and now he's never coming back.
He blacked out again, the last sound he dragged down with him being the morgue door slamming open.
Gaara was not with Lee when he woke up again. He was not alone, either.
"Hey, look who's up." The Rokudaime Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto, his best friend, was at his side. His eyes were watery and guilt-ridden, his smile too wide and frail. A blue bundle rested in his arms. "I've got someone who wants to meet you," he said.
Gaara turned his head in the other direction and willed himself to fall back into the darkness. It worked.
He has no husband now.
He will never love again. It hurts too much.
It hurts THIS much.
That is too much.
Lee is gone.
They wouldn't let him avoid the matter forever. Naruto caused two more visits to the hospital for him, broken bones and open wounds. His friend was not proud of him.
Gaara didn't care. He had no pride left.
His sister attempted to hold him down and force the matter into his arms. He wouldn't hold onto it and the matter dropped.
If Temari had not been standing so close, it would have landed on the floor and maybe shattered, like the fragile, unwanted thing it was.
She slapped him after that and wouldn't talk to him. She took over his Kazekage duties temporarily, claiming mental instability.
It was true, but it left Gaara nothing to do between his discharges from the hospital and Lee's burial. It made that savage beast inside of him scream in jealousy and greed that Konohagakure, that his best friend, was going to take the body of his husband back to his country.
Gaara could not fight their decision. It was where Lee had been born and raised. Officially, Lee had died a shinobi under Naruto's command. His role as Gaara's husband had come second.
Lee is gone.
Soon, there won't even be a body for him to hold onto.
Gaara told no one of where he slept at night. The more he did it, the less alive he felt. The colder he came to be to the touch. The stiffer he became.
Like Lee.
Kankuro still knew, though. He was there, one night, next to Lee's body, chattering quietly with a bundle they had been colored green today.
He didn't turn around as Gaara approached, murder in every footstep.
Take it away from Lee.
It killed Lee.
Lee is gone.
Make it go away.
"Y'know, you're reminding me of someone," Kankuro said, still not facing him. "Someone I thought you'd never want to become. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you thought acting like dad would be cool now."
He faltered.
His father. Gaara thought of the last time he had seen him, under Edo Tensei, finally telling him that he had been loved his entire life. Smiling at him. Proud of him.
He thought of all those times before. The disdain. The ignorance. The negligence. The hatred.
"Lee was a lot like mom." Kankuro sniffed. Coughed. He was trying not to show emotion and failing. "He didn't care that his son was small, or that he was dying. They told Lee that he was healthy and he – he cried for joy. You know what he said?" He paused. "No, of course you don't. You never asked. You never even cared."
Gaara's eyes sharpened on the back of his brother's head. "Lee is gone." It wasn't even an answer. It was all he had.
"No, he's fucking not!" Kankuro's scream startled the bundle. It began wailing.
Gaara was suddenly face to face with his brother, the older man's eyes stained red, teeth grinding together. He left the bundle on the cot with Lee.
"You made a fucking child with him, you piece of shit. It's not fucking natural, sure as Hell ain't possible, but you two did it. You remember how happy Lee was when he found out? Dudes aren't supposed to be that happy when they realize they're a freak of nature. But he was and he got you excited too. You remember going around, introducing Lee, putting a hand on his belly and saying "And this is our child."?"
His hands shook at his side.
Those times are gone.
Lee is gone.
"Take it," Gaara ordered in a low voice, "and leave."
"No! Alright? No fucking way! I'm done with this. Temari's done with it. Naruto's even getting fed up with your shit! He's not an 'it', he's a boy! And he has a name –" his voice became strangled. There was silence except for its wailing as he recollected himself. "Lee named him. You don't even know what it is, do you?"
He had never let anyone get far enough to tell him. No one had had long enough to even pull the blanket away from its face and show him more than cloth.
Lee named him.
Lee did that.
Kankuro took one more step into his space, so blind with rage and grief that he was fearless against the coiling and snapping sands at his feet.
Gaara wanted to hurt him. So badly. So much.
He couldn't.
Lee loved Kankuro. As a brother. As Lee's brother. As his brother.
Lee wouldn't want him to hurt Kankuro.
Kankuro is going to die if he doesn't leave and take it with him.
"Do you want to know what Lee said before he died or do you just want to lay down here with an empty shell while the rest of us do right by his memory and move on to raise his kid?"
Leave.
Lee is gone.
Go away.
What he said was, "Tell me."
Kankuro's smirk was humorless and sharp. "He said, "Your father is going to love you enough for the both of us. And you are going to love him enough for us both." And then he named him Youta, because he wanted him to be your sunlight. He held his son, your son, Youta, till he took his last breath and no one could get that baby away from him till he was good and gone!" Tears rolled down his cheeks.
Gaara noted, distantly, that his brother wasn't wearing any makeup, so there was no makeup to smear. He watched Kankuro's swallow thickly.
He realized he hadn't cried yet and wondered if he ever would.
"Lee loved your fucking child with everything he had left in him. Why can't you?"
There was no noise now. The bundle was quiet, pressed against Lee's side. Kankuro's expression said he had nothing left to say, but so many things he wanted to do to Gaara that could put him back into the hospital.
"Leave," Gaara whispered. Something blocked his throat.
Kankuro's eyes lit with rage. For a moment, it seemed as if he would attack Gaara. But, then, for some unknown reason, he chose to grab the bundle – the baby – instead.
"No."
His brother paused.
Gaara did not hesitate. "He's staying."
He expected a fight. He expected distrust and fists and scathing words.
Kankuro simply walked around him and out the door without the baby. He closed the door behind himself on his way.
Gaara stared at the green blanketed bundle for... a very long time.
Till the bundle began to fuss, anyway. It – he – wanted something, most likely. Nourishment. A fresh diaper.
Comfort.
He moved closer and tucked a finger into the folds of the cloth, pulling them apart till he could see the baby's face.
All the air escaped his lungs in one fell whoosh. He felt lightheaded and weak in the limbs. He grabbed the edge of the cot to hold himself up and stared.
Lee loved him.
Lee named him.
Kankuro was right.
He looks so much like Lee.
How can he not love him?
A shrill whine escaped him and he reached out, without conscious thought, to stroke his fingers over one baby pale cheek.
He could see Lee in the shape of his jaw, in the color of his thin head of hair. The shape of his eyes was a near thing, though more narrow like Gaara's. His nose was Lee's. The curve of his fingers and, when Gaara checked, his toes. Gaara found his own ears on the infant, and his dark eyebrows were thin.
This is Lee's child.
This is his child.
Lee died so that he could live.
Lee died loving him.
Gaara's heart tripped in his chest. Toppled over itself and out from between his ribs, right into the – his, Lee's, their – infant's tiny hands.
It wasn't just his hands shaking now. Everything shook and trembled. Sounds of pain and grief were being ripped from his throat that he could not understand, did not think meant anything, but could not be stopped anyhow.
He reached down and parted his baby boy from the blanket. Let it fall away so he could see him, see Youta, completely.
This is Lee's child.
He has to love him enough for the both of them.
It doesn't seem that difficult to do now.
Youta made a soft, whimpering noise. The morgue was cold and he was so small. Not as small an infant as Gaara had seen before, larger now than what he must have been when he had first been born.
Still, he was too small, too new, to be held so far away.
Gaara drew him closer, right to his chest, his heart, and wrapped his arms and soul and body around him. The sand curled up from around his feet, around and around them.
This is Lee's child.
He is precious.
Gaara felt the heat of his eyes, saw his son through blurs and shimmers. He ducked his head and nuzzled against Youta's hair, his temple, let the tears fall as his baby boy settled contentedly against him.
Gaara had neglected him for too long.
Never again.
Youta is precious.
He would spend the rest of his life making it up to him. Loving him enough for two.
That was what Lee wanted.
Lee is not completely gone.
Lee left half of himself here for him.
Lee mixed it with half of him.
Now he has a son.
The next and last time Gaara went into the morgue, he knew his actions were going to be illegal. His son, who had not left him since his last visit, was still snug against his chest. Gaara's arms ached from holding him constantly and he still would not let go.
Naruto would be leaving tomorrow. With Lee's body.
With what he would think to be Lee's body.
He pulled back the white cotton sheet and took one last, shuddering look at his husband.
He pressed one last kiss to his husband's forehead. His cheeks. The tip of his nose. His lips.
This isn't Lee.
This feels wrong.
This body is too cold and stiff.
Lee isn't here anymore.
But he wasn't gone.
Not entirely.
Sand coiled and slithered up the cot, raised itself up and swarmed over top of it. Gaara took a step back and raised his hand.
"Sabaku Kyuu!"
Naruto would be leaving tomorrow. With a body that looked like Lee's.
But it wouldn't be Lee's body.
That would be with Gaara. Because he was greedy and he wanted everything Lee had left behind.
He brushed his fingers over Youta's face and Youta sighed.
This is his and Lee's.
They made this.
This is his to love for two.
~:*:~
They were in Konohagakure. Youta was listening raptly to Naruto's retelling of how Youta came to be because of his Sexy No Jutsu and Lee's willingness to take on any challenge Naruto opposed him with.
"When I turned him back into a guy," he was saying, "I didn't manage to turn him completely back into a guy. Some parts kind of stayed behind. Your dad's chakra was always screwy like that."
"But he was a great ninja!" Youta defended loyally.
Naruto gave a small, sad smile. Still so guilty. Youta would never have been conceived if he hadn't done what he had done. Lee would still be alive, most likely. Gaara and he both tried to on more than one occasion to stop feeling torn apart by how happy they were to have Youta. "Yeah. Yeah, he was one of the greatest. And don't you ever forget it!"
Gaara took Youta to the memorial shortly after.
The fake Lee's ashes were set in a row with others in front of a plaque dedicated to those who had fought, and since died, in the Fourth Shinobi World War. It was connected to the memorial for those who had perished in it.
Youta had a bouquet of pink flowers for Lee. He didn't put them down immediately. Instead, he hugged them close, as if they were something, someone else. He hunched into the bouquet and Gaara watched him cry.
He stayed where he was. Youta would come to him when he was ready.
"I wish..." he heard Youta whisper. His son stopped and sniffled. "Wish I had met you." The soft, heartbroken smile on his face destroyed Gaara. "I wish you knew who I am now. I want to know if you would be proud of me. And I want you to know that I... I am proud that you're my dad." He wiped away his tears and set down his flowers. "I wish we had had more time together."
Gaara took a step forward as Youta got to his feet and rushed towards him. His son crashed into legs, arms coming around his waist tightly, and Gaara embraced him back just as strongly.
He closed his eyes and let Youta sob into his robes.
This hurts too much.
Gaara wouldn't give this up to take that pain away.
"Youta," he whispered. "We are both proud of you. You are his last gift to me, my sunlight."
He pressed his face into Youta's hair, smooth and dark like Lee's, spiky and chopped like his own. "We love you," he said, and felt his heart press itself into each word. "Our most precious thing."
~:*:~
Author's Note: LordLuciola drew a few pictures that really inspired me to get back into writing. Go ahead and check them out!
Fanfiction doesn't do links from outside of Fanfiction, so what I want you guys to do is check out my profile and the links will be there.