Part: 1/1
Rating: T
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this and I wish that I could make money from having such fun.
Warnings: Slightly dark idea to say the least, with threat to innocent OC.
Reminder: This fic is set in the established world started from my fic 'Lost' (also seen in fic 'Mother, Wife, and Warrior'). You don't have to have read 'Lost' to understand this fic, but some of it may make more sense if you have :)
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The stream's water was cold against John's hands, despite the heat of the summer's day beyond the trees. He lifted the shirt up out of the stream's flow and squeezed out the water. He twisted the material harder between his hands, watching the drips falling down back into the stream. The drips lessened, he stood up and opened the shirt, shaking it out into the air.
As much as he enjoyed visiting New Athos, he really missed the convenience of a washing machine, and especially so when you had a family of five all using tops, pants, and underwear.
He shook the shirt out again as he turned from the stream and added it to the basket with the rest he'd already cleaned. There were still a few more tops to wash, but he paused from his work to dry his hands and he reached down into a bag for some food. He pulled out the closed tupperware box and lifted the lid.
"Anyone want another of Halling's biscuits?" He called out.
Jake immediately hurried towards John, the leaves and rocks the little boy had been investigating forgotten in the sudden desire for food.
"Me, me, me, me, me," Jake called all the way towards John, his little hands reaching up.
"Wash your hands first, Jakey," John instructed his son. Jake paused, processing the information, before moving around John's legs, gripping onto John's pants on the way, thereby leaving muddy handprints and leaves behind.
"Water, water" Jake muttered as he moved towards the stream's edge, down the gentle slope to the water. John watched him carefully.
"Elizabeth?" John asked towards the little girl who was gathering flowers at the base of the closest tree.
All three of his kids had come with him to 'help' with the washing, but as always their help only lasted for about five minutes, and often wasn't all that helpful. Instead, they would each gradually move away, keeping close as they explored and played as kids did, all within sight of John, except for Charin who was currently out playing in the trees near by.
Elizabeth approached him and he handed her one of the biscuits, which she took quietly and with a happy little smile. "Thank you, Daddy," she said.
"You're welcome," John replied, thinking he sounded a little too like Teyla sometimes. Teyla was spending some Mother Son time with Torren this morning, and John had been happy to take the other kids with him to do the washing.
"Bisquit, bisquit," Jake called anxiously as he hurried back to John from the stream. Two wet and very clean hands reached up towards the next offered biscuit.
"Say 'thank you'," John instructed automatically as Jake took the biscuit, which looked massive in his tiny hands.
"Tank 'ou," Jake said gleefully as he held the biscuit up to his cheeky smile.
John reached out and ruffled Jake's darkening hair before the boy turned away and wandered after Elizabeth, likely to compare the size of his biscuit to hers.
John looked out towards the trees around them. "Charin?" He called out with a touch of suspicion. She had promised to stay within shouting range.
"No thanks, Dad," came back the instant reply from somewhere far to the left of the open space by the stream.
"Stay close by," John reminded her.
"Yes, Dad," she called back and from her voice he judged that she was skipping through the trees, lost in that strange world that little girls enjoyed probably full of castles and fairies or whatever.
He pulled out a couple of biscuits for himself, one into his pocket and the other held in his mouth as he closed the tub securely and put it back inside the bag. He straightened up and munched on his biscuits as he watched his kids in the forest. Their biscuits had been finished already and Jake had returned to his small collection of rocks and leaves he had gathered earlier. The little boy sat down on his large padded butt and began trying to stack the rocks up as he chatted away to himself. Elizabeth had returned to her flower collection and was now tucking them into various pockets and buttonholes on her dress and even into her shoes. John smiled at them as he turned to the last couple of tops to be washed. He picked up one and the Athosian soap bar and turned back to the stream.
He crouched down by its edge and dropped the top into the flow, allowing it to soak up as much water as possible. He then began soaping it up, rubbing and scrubbing at the material to clean it out. Behind him, Elizabeth was talking quietly to herself, lost in that world of play again, and beyond her Jake was playing with a new word.
"Twees, twees," Jake was now muttering.
As John dunked the top into the stream and looked over his shoulder, he saw that Jake was wandering away across the open space near the stream, his attention focused up at the trees towering over him.
"Stay close, Jakey," John reminded him.
Jake paused to look round and there was a faint nod that told John had his son had heard him.
"Twees, twees," Jake began saying louder as John turned his attention to rinsing out the top. "Tweeeees, twwwees," Jake said, changing the phrasing of the word each time like he was trying to understand it, or perhaps he was just playing with the sound of it. "Twe-"
The word was cut off in the midst of a sudden rush of noise accompanied by Elizabeth's shocked cry. John had registered all of this in an instant and had already been looking around. So he saw the precise, almost slow motion, details of the shadow moving out from behind the tree, Jake caught up in an arm and the sudden flash of metal across the open space.
John processed all those details and far more as he moved, his side arm suddenly in his hand as the woman crouched down, the knife in her hand. The knife glittered far too brightly in the dappled sunlight where it was held close to Jake's left cheek.
A fury, that John had never before felt, raged up inside him and he moved forward instantly, the noise in his ears so loud that he barely heard the voice across the space.
"No closer!" The attacker's voice demanded. "No closer!" She then shouted because John had not listened, because he had been too interested in gaining a clear shot at the woman from where she was crouched down hiding behind his little boy.
"Stop or I WILL kill him!" The second threat was much louder and the extended shocked moment of fury receded enough for John to finally process what he was doing outside of the pure instinctual reaction he had had.
He froze, the sidearm still raised and pointed over Jake's tiny shoulder towards the shrivelled eyes peering at John from behind her living shield.
"Let. Him. Go. Now!" John commanded.
"No!" The woman replied simply.
The fury threatened to rise again, but John fought it down, using long years of experience to focus his mind in a stressful situation, though he didn't think he had ever felt the level of panic that was bubbling up inside like he did now. He glanced to Elizabeth out of the corner of his eye to where she was stood frozen, her eyes wide and locked on the woman who was holding her brother. John had to get her out of danger.
"Elizabeth, to Daddy now," John ordered, trying to soften his tone for his daughter, but it still came out stern. Elizabeth responded instantly though, rushing to him, not directly across his front, but to the stream and then towards him from the side. "Get behind me," John instructed her, keeping his eyes on the woman who had Jake, following Elizabeth's progress out of the corner of his eye as long as he could and then by sound as she grew closer.
Her little boots crunched on the ground behind him and he felt her move beside his left leg. He reached down with his free hand and touched his fingers to the top of her head, her soft curls under his touch, and he felt slightly more focused to have her with him. He pushed her further behind him though, feeling her body warmth against the back of his left leg, as she kept away from his right thigh even though the holster was currently empty, for all the kids knew to stay away from it when he wore the sidearm.
Elizabeth safe, that left two kids, and right now John had no clear idea where Charin was among the trees. Was she alright? Had this woman done something to Charin already? The rage threatened to rise again as John lifted his left hand back up to support his right. His grip on the sidearm was tight, making his forearm ache and he forced himself to relax a bit. He drew in a steady breath, using techniques that had worked for years, but now threatened to abandon him. He blinked down the sight of his sidearm at his little boy, who was pale and frightened, and his little eyes wide.
"Stay very still, Jakey," John told his son. "Stay very still and keep your eyes on me. Keep your eyes on Daddy."
"Don't think I don't know who you are," the woman shouted, her arm wrapping further around Jake, but the boy remained still and quiet.
The knowledge of his son being so afraid…John's finger tightened on the trigger. The urge to stop the unknown woman in any way he knew how, which right now was with a bullet, was so strong that he had to force his mind away from the temptation of it. Jake was in the way. He couldn't risk hitting Jake.
Where was Charin? He made sure to keep his eyes on the woman, but his senses strained for any movement among the trees.
"Help will be on its way, so just let him go now," John told the woman, and hoped that Charin, if she was listening in from the trees, would understand the order.
"You are alone out here," the woman spat back. "No one will save your son as none saved mine!"
The words drew more of John's attention and he narrowed on the details of the woman. She was older than he had first realised, maybe in her sixties or older, her hair grey and wiry, almost standing out from her head. Her eyes were fixed on John, hard cold eyes, and in their depths he didn't see much sanity. That only made him panic even more, but he forced himself to focus, to deal with this woman another way other than to just pull the trigger.
He couldn't risk killing his woman with Jake so close, so he had to reason with her, get her to relax. If Charin had gotten away, then she would call for help. He had to keep this woman talking till it arrived, or a moment presented itself in which John could deal with her himself.
"Who are you?" John asked, trying to control the pure anger in his voice.
"You will not remember me," she replied with clear bitterness in her voice. "I have been waiting though, waiting till you and Teyla returned and I could get to you."
Definitely not the voice of a sane woman. John dared not look at Jake and take his eyes off her, because this woman clearly wanted his attention and he wasn't going to give her any excuse to hurt his son.
"Well, now you found me," John replied as reasonably as he could as he suppressed the new idea to rush across the open space and attack her with his bare hands since the shooting idea was out. "Let the boy go and we'll talk."
"No," she replied, ducking slightly more behind Jake and John wondered if some of his wild plan had shown in his expression. "No, because you have to know."
"Know what?" John asked, his attention diverting for a second to be sure that Elizabeth was still close behind him, which she was.
"What it is like. He took my boys, my sons, and I will make sure that you know what that is like," she shouted at him.
Oh crap. In that second, John reassessed the situation and, despite the need to fire still driving some part of him, he began to assess her differently.
She was dressed in haphazard clothes, like they were old and held together with weak stitching. Her hair standing out from her elderly face made her look even madder, but as he looked into her eyes now he suspected that the coldness in them was in fact pain.
"Who are you?" He asked again.
She lowered herself even further behind Jake, until only her eyes, forehead, and mad hair could be seen over the boy's shoulder.
"I lived here once," she said, the tone whispered yet carrying in the quiet space. "Before he came here."
John put enough together then. "Michael," he concluded.
"Yes," she replied instantly appearing a little more into view. "Michael, you name them like they were pets or people worthy of names."
"You're Athosian?" John asked, keeping away from her comment.
"I was, long ago, but you and your people destroyed our home, burnt it so no living thing could remain there."
"The Wraith burnt Old Athos," John pointed out, not sure if disagreeing with her was the right move.
"Because of you," she retaliated.
He couldn't place her face, but then a lot of years had passed since those first years in Pegasus and it didn't look like she had aged all that well. He was sure that she didn't live in the camp now though. She must have come through the Gate.
"And then you made a new monster, that 'Michael'," she said darkly.
His first thought was agreement, because they had made Michael. Michael who had been the subject of the experiments Atlantis had performed on turning Wraith into humans, that had turned him into a unique and unwanted monster. Stuck somewhere between a Wraith and a human, he had not been wanted in either world. So, Michael had sought out to make his own family, Hybrids like him, turned humans who he had captured, and most of them had been Athosian.
"You were taken by Michael," John said out loud.
"Yes," she replied. "Experimented on and I watched as my boys were turned into creatures like him." Her voice was breaking with emotion now and he saw that her arm around Jake was shaking with it. He shifted his gaze from her to the knife, but it remained away from Jake's skin for now.
"My boys became monsters, all because of him and he was a monster created by you," she stated, her voice now full of the pain and emotion in her eyes and shaking body.
"Look," John began, struggling with his own emotions. "Atlantis made some mistakes, I'm not saying we didn't, but Michael chose to do what he did alone. We couldn't know what he would do, how he would react…"
"No," she interrupted. "No, you did not care. You created a monster and let it loose on us."
"We tried to stop him, and we did. Teyla killed him and we helped all the Hybrids we could."
"Not my boys! No, they were dead by then, offering their lives for a monster, their minds twisted and no longer their own."
"I'm sorry about what happened to you and to your boys. I really am," John told her.
"That changes nothing. Your people arrived here, changing anything you wished without any care as to any other world! To those of us who lost our homes, our families! I lost my boys, Colonel Sheppard, and you will pay for that."
Rising panic twisted together with the anger and fear in John's belly, as he understood this crazy woman's logic– she was going to take Jake from him as she felt he had taken her boys from her. A wave of nausea stirred in John's stomach and he had to inhale sharply to control it, to regain some control. He had to turn her logic. Was there any help coming? Where was Teyla when he needed her? Was Charin okay?
He took another breath to try and calm himself. He had to get this woman to listen to him.
"I did everything I could to stop Michael. He took all of your people. Teyla's people! You think that didn't hurt me? You think I didn't stay awake for nights hating him and wishing I could save every one of those he had turned or infected with his plague?"
"It was not enough," she replied as passionately.
John watched her eyes, seeing her determination and her belief. He wasn't going to convince her that way, so time to change tactics.
"So, you're going to turn into him are you? You're going take sons away from their mothers and fathers?" He demanded.
Her cheek and left eye twitched.
"You're gonna become a monster too are you?"
Behind John, Elizabeth's hand touched against his leg, her small body's warmth closer to him.
"Marlin?" Teyla's voice arrived from John's left and he could have cried, but he kept his eyes on the woman holding Jake.
Marlin's eyes shifted from John to Teyla and back again quickly.
There was more movement from the left.
"Marlin, we had thought you dead all these years!" Halling's voice announced.
"I have been," the woman replied, her attention shifting to the left from John now. John lowered his eyes to see Jake still staring at him, still and tense. It pulled painfully at John's heart, torturing him and risking his control again.
"What are you doing, Marlin?" Teyla demanded sternly.
"They have to pay," Marlin argued with more passion now. "They did so much wrong and never once paid any of the sacrifices we paid!"
Teyla stepped fully into John's field of vision, but he had his eyes on Marlin again. Behind Marlin, through the trees, John saw Athosians appear. She was surrounded, but that wouldn't guarantee Jake's safety.
"Who are you to judge, Marlin?" Teyla stated with barely controlled anger in her voice that John could hear vibrating with her own suppressed panic. "I lived in Atlantis and I saw how many they lost. How many of them died in a strange galaxy to protect people they did not know. They made mistakes, as have all of us, but they are not blame for the actions of the Wraith, any more than we are responsible for allowing the Wraith to cull our peoples for so many generations."
"That is different," Marlin argued, but John could see she was on the defensive now. John knew how well his wife could win an argument.
"And are our skies free of Wraith now because of you? Because of the Ancestors? No, but because of the actions of Atlantis and their allies. Because of them, we are free from the Wraith and our children can grow up free from the threat of being culled. Except it seems that now you wish us to prey on each other? Are you planning to take my son from me?" Teyla demanded and John twitched at the provocation, fearing that she was going to push Marlin too much. He tightened his grip on the side arm again and sighted right down it, focusing it at the tiny area of Marlin that he could see. He had killed with far less to aim at before.
"He took my boys," Marlin exclaimed the emotion getting the best of her. "He turned them, twisted what they were so that they turned on me. Their own mother!"
Teyla moved closer, and throughout the trees John could see the circle formed around Marlin was now complete, even if she hadn't seen it yet.
"What Michael did to you and your sons was evil and cruel, but you cannot blame John and our son for that," Teyla argued more calmly. Her voice was softer, more reasonable, but John kept his eyes on Marlin's forehead as it moved in and out from behind Jake's shoulder and head.
"It is their fault," Marlin argued her voice full of unshed tears.
"They may have first turned Michael into a human, but what happened after that, what Michael chose to do with his new hybrid state, that was all his own choice. You are forgetting, Marlin, Michael was a Wraith long before Atlantis experimented on him. He had killed thousands of humans long before that."
Marlin frowned, looking down and away, but her arm remained around Jake. "You are trying to confuse me. You would be on his side," she stated to Teyla, her eyes darkening as she looked back towards John. John kept his sight locked on the centre of her forehead. The rush to fire, to kill the creature holding his boy, holding a blade so close to his innocent soft skin… John could hear his own breathing, under control, but faster, shallower, ready to kill. It would take the tiniest of movements from her, anything that he might interpret as a strike towards Jake, and he would fire.
"If you had known, Marlin," Teyla asked, moving closer to the woman and Jake, further into John's view but keeping out of his line of fire. "If you had known what Michael would have done before he took your boys, would you have done anything to protect them?" Teyla asked.
Marlin looked away from John to Teyla and she frowned, completely still for the first time.
"Yes, I would," she replied.
"Then how would you be any different from John and me now? You are threatening to take our son from us. We all have choices, free will. Is this how you are to act? To harm innocent children like Michael did?"
A long quiet pause filled the space between the trees, during which everyone seemed to hold their breath, or was it just John?
Marlin's arm dropped, the knife falling to the ground.
"I would not have hurt him, Teyla," Marlin told Teyla as she sat down from behind Jake, her body slumped as if all her energy had gone. Teyla moved forward the two steps to Jake and she pulled him to her, keeping herself between Marlin and Jake.
The relief that poured through John was like a tidal wave, but the panic seemed to remain and it had him striding towards Teyla and Jake, a quiet word to Elizabeth to stay where she was. He reached them in a split second and reached down to pick up their son into his arms that felt like they were shaking from the bones outwards. Jake's arms wrapped instantly around John's neck, grasping onto his jacket tightly, his tiny face pressed into John's throat.
John didn't pause, turning instantly away from Marlin and back towards where Elizabeth stood anxiously waiting, an Athosian beside her.
Behind him, John heard Teyla's steps keeping up with him, and her soft words to Jake who was now crying frightened tears against John.
He just walked, back towards Elizabeth, who was reaching out towards him as he neared her. He unwrapped one arm from around the tight tense bundle of Jake and took her cold little hand in his, and then led her away from the stream. They walked past worried, yet relieved looking camp members, back into the trees heading straight back towards the camp.
The loud rushing noise in John's ears had nothing to do with the stream to the left, though over it he was aware of Jake's tears, Teyla words of assurance, but all he could think was to get back to their tent.
Jake burrowed deeper into John's shoulder and John held him tighter, keeping a fast pace, yet slow enough for Elizabeth to keep up, determined to get back to the tent as if it was the only safe haven left in the universe.
The camp came into view and at the outskirts he saw Charin stood with Kerra and as soon as Charin saw them she ran forward.
"What happened? Jake?" Charin bubbled, tears running down her own face and it only pulled at John's heart even tighter.
"He's okay, we're all okay, let's just get back to the tent," John told her, his first words in what had felt like a very long walk from the stream, though he knew he had marched them back here in quick time. Charin fell into step with them, heading at the quick pace to their tent that was their temporary home when staying on New Athos.
"I saw that woman had Jake, so I went to get Mother," Charin told him, her voice shaking.
"You did real good, Munchkin," John told her. "You did the right thing."
They reached the tent and Teyla pushed ahead of him with Charin in her hand, pushing open the entrance flap.
As a group they headed towards the dark cooking fire that was the focus of any Athosian tent.
"See Jakey, we're home now," John told his boy, hearing the forced calm to his own voice, hoping that his kids wouldn't notice that underneath he was shaking with emotion and fading adrenaline.
Teyla headed into the extended side area of the tent that was the sleeping area for the kids and returned with Jake's favourite blanket as John sat down on the bench by the cold fire.
Together they wrapped the blanket around Jake, telling him how brave he had been and how he was safe now. John tucked the blanket tightly in around his shaking boy and rocked him.
"See we're all okay now," John lied. "Safe and home."
"Charin would you light the cooking fire?" Teyla asked and John saw Charin's surprised delight.
She had been allowed to light the fire once or twice with John or Teyla holding her hand and watching every move she made. Teyla's confidence in her was justified. Charin had done exactly what she should today. She had seen the danger and had gone for help. As he rocked his son, whispering comforting words, John watched his eldest daughter carefully go through the motions of preparing the logs that she had seen him and Teyla do a thousand times, and she knelt down to light the fire by herself. He could see her hand was shaking a little, but John watched as the first flame caught and she pulled her hand back. The flickering flame caught the kindling and John saw Charin smile as it grew. She looked round and John smiled at her.
"Well done, Charin," Teyla praised her, but John could hear the wavering adrenaline in her voice.
He glanced to his wife sat on the bench beside him, her body leant against Jake's back and her arm around Elizabeth sat on her lap. John smiled down at his youngest daughter, who rested against Teyla, her little face anxiously focused on Jake's back turned to her.
"You all did real good," John told her. "All of you," he repeated to Elizabeth and then down to Jake against. "You all did real good," he repeated, his heart still vibrating in his chest as he rocked his boy.
Elizabeth's green eyes lifted up and she smiled a little hopefully, and John smiled down at her. Teyla's hand stroked over her pale hair, giving comfort. John looked up at Teyla, her eyes meeting his and he saw the relief in them. She smiled and leant herself further against him and Jake.
"I could make some tea?" Charin offered and John smiled round at her. When had she grown up so much?
"That is a wonderful idea, Charin," Teyla replied. She talked Charin through the cups and which jars of tea to bring over.
John became aware that Jake's face was no longer pressed tightly against him, and that he was turned in John's arms to watch his sister make the tea. The tears had stopped and only a few sniffs could be heard. Teyla leant round with a small towel and John wiped Jake's cheek that he could see. Jake turned his face to allow John to wipe his tears and runny nose dry.
John talked to him all the time, telling him how good he had been, how brave. Happy his boy's face was dry, John pressed a kiss to his tiny forehead and Jake burrowed back against John, still quiet which was so very unlike him that it felt as if the tent was shockingly loud with silence. Teyla moved over to help Charin fill the kettle and sat with her on the other side of the fire to oversee pouring water when it boiled.
Elizabeth moved around John to sit on the other side from where she had been with Teyla. She leant in against John, talking to Jake, helping John to distract him. When had his kids gotten so mature and clever for their years? Back by the stream they had all done just what they should. Elizabeth had followed his orders, even to the point of running round to hide behind him without crossing his line of fire. How had she known to do that? And Jake, he had held still, hadn't stirred, hadn't cried until he had been safe. Charin had run for help. He had never been so proud of his kids. And thank God Teyla had arrived. Talked Marlin down in a way he had been far from capable of doing. His family.
At this point, an anxious Torren arrived, Kanaan with him. Torren hurried straight to John's side to see Jake, which seemed to really help as Jake began to answer questions – that he was alright.
Kanaan reported that it seemed that no one else had been with Marlin, something which John realised he should have thought of himself. Kanaan and others had checked around the Gate and had found signs only of her tracks moving into the forest off the main paths. He also reported that she had been taken through the Gate to an allied world that had a hospital who would take care of her in her mentally unbalanced state. Hearing that Marlin was off New Athos helped John relax a little bit more, but not much.
Kanaan's wife Kerra arrived with their son Sarum and they all sat around the fire together as a large family. Their presence helped distract the kids and John sat, Jake still holding onto his jacket completely silent, watching them all, listening to them talk as across the tent Elizabeth and Sarum played with some action figures. Life was somehow returning to normal despite the horror that had almost happened, yet John couldn't quite lose the nervous anxiety he felt inside.
Teyla had moved around the fire and sat down on the rug in front of him, Torren against her side, and her back pressed against John's leg. From there she and Torren would look up to smile and talk to Jake from time to time.
Halling arrived next, reporting that he had delivered Marlin into the doctors' hands in the hospital and had explained the entire story. Marlin had also had a daughter it turned out, who had chosen to live on another world after the Michael incident and Hakon had already headed off to her home off world to tell her of her mother's reappearance. John imagined it would be mixed news, for though she had thought her mother dead, to hear of her current state wouldn't be the best news. Halling believed that Marlin likely had a grandchild by now so maybe that would help her recover.
John didn't like to think of that right now and when they discussed Marlin further, he focused his attention on Jake. Asking him if there was anything he wanted to do tomorrow. Jake finally began talking properly, requesting to stay inside tomorrow, but then added that perhaps they could go walk in the fields. John asked him what he liked the most about the fields, trying to tempt Jake into his normal talkative manner. Jake listed a few things quietly, almost reluctantly talking. Sarum wandered over with Elizabeth and they proclaimed that the fields were the best place to play. A small disagreement broke out as to whether flowers or the tall Sweet Grain was the best part of the fields, but Jake agreed with Sarum on the Sweet Grass winning out. That seemed to help and he began talking more.
By the time for evening meal arrived, Jake was talking almost as much as normal, and no longer had a tight grip of John's jacket, though he had remained on John's lap throughout. John didn't mind, because he doubted he could let go of Jake for a while yet. However, it was decided to go outside to share the evening meal and John finally had to let go of his son, as Jake moved to get down and walk by himself. John resisted the urge to insist on carrying him, because that would just worry the kid. He watched as Teyla led the kids outside, Jake keeping one hand linked with hers though.
John followed them outside, feeling a little twitchy as he went as paranoid thoughts occurred to him that maybe there had been someone else with Marlin, who was out there watching the camp. As everyone sat down, he had a quick word with Kanaan and a few others who had checked the Gate. They were sure that Marlin's tracks had been alone from the moment she had stepped through the Gate to when she disappeared into the forest. So, John moved back to be with his family, feeling like he should check the Gate for himself, but also he didn't want to put any serious distance between him and his kids right now. He suspected it would be months until he would let any of them out of sight again.
He sat down next to Teyla, Elizabeth climbing up onto his lap and Charin sat on his other side, and he listened to Torren tell them about the carving he and Teyla had been working on. John listened to the story and more that followed from those around him, but he could barely focus enough to eat his meal. Teyla's hand settled on his knee, her touch comforting, but far from enough to settle his concern. He glanced off to the trees near by a few times until Elizabeth asked him what he was looking for. He said he needed to "spend a penny", which was Uncle Carson's phrase that always made her giggle. He lifted her as he got up and put her down in his spot, asking her to keep it warm for him, and he headed off into the trees.
The noise and warmth of the campfires receded the further away he got. The cold damp atmosphere of the trees enfolded around him and he kept going until there were a few trunks depth between him and the fires, hiding him from view.
Alone, he stopped and let out a shaky breath and reached out to rest his hand against the closest tree. He shut his eyes, but it didn't help, because all he could see was that woman with Jake, the knife so close to his boy's skin, and the panic that had roared through him demanding that he protect his son, and that he had dangerously let his guard slip.
He took in a deep breath, trying to push back the fears, the panic, and the anger. Yet, it didn't lessen, in fact it seemed to grow stronger, like it was feeding on his weakness, on the opportunity to escape.
He didn't react like this often, couldn't remember the last time he had felt this, but it was like a rising panic that wanted to engulf him and tear him apart. He had lost people, far too many people, in his life before. He had been in the worse of situations and had been pushed to the end of his rope by circumstances, but this was like being back on that planet straight from hell. Living on his nerves, constantly in fear of what would happen to Teyla and him. This was like that. Pure cold sweat and shaking hands.
"John?" Teyla's voice was soft and approaching from his right, from the light of the campfires.
He stood back from the tree, drawing himself together as much as he could. He blinked at her approaching silhouette set against the distant fires through the trees. At least she was by herself. He blinked again, realising that his eyes were wet, but he wouldn't let the tears out. He cleared his throat.
"Yeah?" He asked with as normal tone as he could muster, but knew that Teyla would hear right through it, it was a matter of whether she would let it go, or would she push to know more.
She reached him, the outline of her head tilting as she looked up at his face. Her warm hands touched against his chest, both of them warm against him.
"He is alright, John," she told him.
"I know," John replied, looking away, cursing that the emotions seemed more than willing to rush towards the prospect of expression that Teyla presented. He almost hated her for the ease with which he opened his heart to her, how eager part of him always was to confessing his very soul to her. But, he struggled against it, trying to hold it in and be the man of the relationship!
"We are all unharmed," she added, her hands tightening a little against his jacket.
"I know," he insisted again, but his eyes were threatening to tear up again and inwardly he cursed himself again. He should have slipped away later, he should have kept Jake closer to him, and he should've shot Michael the first chance he had. So many regrets that they all swam together.
"Are you alright?" Teyla asked. The question surprised him and he looked down at her shadowed face, unable to see her features clearly.
"Someone tried to kill our son," he said hotly, gesturing back towards the camp and beyond it the stream and the open space in which the nightmare had played out.
Teyla's hands tightened further against his jacket. "I know. I know, John. But he is fine. He is okay," she repeated, and he could hear the shaking to her voice, but he couldn't focus on that right now. How could she be so calm right now?
"Fine? He had a knife to his throat, Teyla. Our boy, he's barely two and he has to deal with that!"
Her head tilted forward. "I know," she repeated her voice softer. "But he is strong," she added looking back up at him. She moved even closer to him, the warmth of her body pushing away some of the night's cold at least and she flattened her palms against his chest. "He is young and we will help him through it. He will be fine, John."
Her words were pitched to calm him, to make him feel better, but he resisted it, grabbing hold of his swirling emotions now where before he had wanted to hide them.
"He shouldn't have to. He shouldn't have to deal with things like that," he protested into the darkness. "He's just a kid."
He felt jittery, his body buzzing with adrenaline again, and it was a very familiar feeling. He had lived like this alongside Teyla for so long on that planet before Charin. They had lived on their nerves, anxious, aggressive and defensive against anything. Now, though the threat of Marlin was gone, he felt like the universe around him was a potential threat. His little boy shouldn't ever have to deal with violence.
John wanted to be able to keep his family safe, all of them, so that there wasn't a threat anywhere that could reach them. Nothing. He knew it was impossible, that no one could guarantee that. Life was too unpredictable.
Through the dark trees he could see the campfires, knew the kids were safely surrounded by the camp members who would protect them as their own family. This should be a safe place, with the Wraith mostly gone, but even on a quiet afternoon by the stream, danger had lurked.
"I should've kept him closer," he muttered.
"This was not your fault," Teyla told him sternly. "She would have found us eventually and there is nothing we could have done to predict this."
The memories replayed again, of Marlin stepping out from the trees, reaching for Jake, the sparkle of sunlight off the knife. Jake pale and his eyes full of fear, and her pain for her lost boys clear in hers.
"Except…it was my fault," John said quietly, looking off into the thick darkness of the trees, fighting against the swelling guilt and pain. "She was right. Michael was my fault."
"No, he was not," Teyla told him, but he kept his eyes turned from her, held himself tall against her comforting touch. "You were not the one to decide, and we all played a role in what happened."
He felt a wince of regret at her tone, knowing that she carried her own wealth of hurt regarding Michael. But, it didn't stop what was welling up inside him and he had to voice it.
"Because of me, Jake almost died today," the words broke free from his clogged up throat, his chest aching deeply. "I had a chance to kill Michael before, in that bunker, but I didn't pull the trigger."
"And his creatures likely would have destroyed us," Teyla replied immediately. "We are not responsible for what Michael chose to do. He chose to become what he did. He chose to kill so many. You are not to blame for that and you are certainly not to blame for Marlin's madness."
"I wanted to kill her," John whispered into the darkness.
"She was holding our son, John. You do not think I thought the same?" She asked and her voice properly wavered this time, her own tears sounding close to the surface.
He looked down at her, the sound of her pain focusing his hurt towards her. He reached up to touch her arms. His eyes had adjusted somewhat to the darkness now and he could see the faintest detail to her face, and he saw her bite her lip and the shimmer of tears in her eyes.
He slid his arms around her, pulling her tight against him, tucking his face down against hers within their embrace. Her arms slid around him in turn, her hands gripping onto his jacket.
He inhaled of that warm space they created, letting the scent of her fill him. Her warmth against him, her hair, smelling of flowers, against his cheek all became loud against his senses. So many times he had hugged her over the years now, slept beside her so many nights, that just the touch of her against him, the smell of her, was comforting and he drew that in now. His eyes tightly closed, he drew on his love for her and the comfort they were giving each other. What he wouldn't give to wake up in their large comfortable bed back on Earth, and today had just been a nightmare. He would be wrapped around Teyla, the kids sleeping safely in their beds down the hall.
She inhaled irregularly against him, fighting against her tears and he rubbed his hands over her back. He realised they were rocking each other, and he had no idea if he had started it or her. He burrowed his cheek further down against hers. His family was safe, she was safe, and he had to believe what she said. The steady rocking, Teyla against him, and the silence around them, all seemed to help, and he began to feel better. The fear was still there, and he suspected it would last a few days, making him cautious and worried about the kids, but his mind was more focused and calm now.
It was true that he had missed opportunities to take out Michael in the past, but at the time, not doing so had been the right decision. He couldn't have known what Michael would end up doing, what he would become, and probably neither had Michael. Choices had consequences and it wasn't like he hadn't known that before, but today, to see Jake be the one put at risk by his own past mistakes…it had hit him deep and hard, and he suspected that it too would last for a while, probably longer than a few days.
Teyla shifted against him, pulling back enough to look up at him.
He smiled as best he could down at her as he rubbed her back. "I didn't mean to upset you," he whispered, trying to put some amusement in his voice.
He saw her sad smile in reply as she dropped her eyes to where she ran her hand over his upper chest where some of her tears had soaked into his jacket. It had absorbed a lot today.
"I was already upset," she replied as she looked back up at him, her hand resting over his heart. "He will be fine, John."
John reached up and brushed some strands of hair from her face, brushing it behind her ear. She leant into the touch and he felt a burst of pleasure at being able to comfort her in return. He repeated his touch, running the backs of his fingers over her cheek, feeling the still damp skin from her tears. There were times still, even after all these years, when he felt the years drop away and they were young again and newly in love. He would still feel a moment of awe that she actually loved him, because he really loved her. He leant down and pressed a kiss to her lips that lifted to meet his. They held the soft kiss for a long moment, to part and press together again.
He looked down at his wife, remembering how strong and calm she had been in that nightmare, talking Marlin down. Their kids had clearly gotten their levelheaded responses today from her, and he felt the promise of confidence in that realisation. They were Teyla's kids, so they were going to be okay. They had all done just the right thing today, and even he had kept his head, suppressing his instincts that would have killed Marlin unnecessarily in the end, and possibly have hurt Jake beside her. They had survived and they would be okay.
"Love you," John told her quietly.
"I love you too," she replied, dropping her hand to rest against his heart.
He slid his hand down to her upper chest, sliding his palm into the open neck of her top to rest against her skin. He felt her pulse against his fingers, her breathing against his palm, and he drew in a breath and felt himself calm even more.
She rose up on her toes and pressed a soft kiss to his lips again. He kept his hand against the warmth of her skin, his fingers sliding up the side of her throat with her movement and another instinct stirred within him. He realised that they were alone in the woods together and that offered a quiet time alone that was not all that common of late. As she settled back down to her feet, he kept his fingers sliding over the side of her neck. She chuckled at him, having picked up on his abruptly changed mood.
"Later," she said as she reached up and took his hand in hers.
"Like we're gonna be alone in the forest again any time soon," he protested with a smile as she turned and pulled on his hand, leading the way back towards the camp firelight.
She chuckled again, the increasing light growing and highlighting more of her face with each step.
"For now, I would like to be surrounded by family, to feel all of us together, safe," she said softly.
He could understand that, and as he looked at her face, he could see the residual signs of her tears. He reached up with his hand holding hers, and used the back of his index finger to wipe her closest cheek. She smiled at him and used her other sleeve to dry her face further as she walked right against his side, the trees thinning around them, back towards the rising voices of stories being told around the campfire.
She paused before they left the trees and he stopped, turning towards her.
"You are a wonderful father to our children," she told him, surprising him. "You must not feel that you do not protect them, for you do. With every breath you care for them and protect them. They showed us today how much they know, how much they understand, for they have you as their father, an example to them always."
John was touched by her words, a loss for words for a second. A new ache settled into place in his chest at the belief she had in him.
"I think you're forgetting that they have supermom to learn from," he told her with a smile as he tightened his hold on her hand.
She gave him that amused yet slightly shy smile that he always loved to provoke from her, because he rarely ever saw that particular smile outside of their private time together.
"And a great wife," he added quietly with a smile.
That smile was repeated and then widened as she looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "I think you are simply trying to ensure that will we make love later."
He grinned at her, already feeling the prospect tease at him. "Me?"
She grinned again and pressed her shoulder against his as she pulled him back on towards the campfire. Back towards their family, and the warmth and safety of the firelight holding back the darkness of the night.
00000000
The End.