Voices echo through my ears but I'm not paying enough attention to make out their words as I push past groups of friends, gathered to socialise at the end of the day. My mind is set on only one track, the path to Tobias. I know the exact steps it takes to get there and it's frequent that I end up day dreaming my way along, wondering how I ended up standing outside his part of this faction. Tonight is no exception. My knuckles brush the door, the metal cold against my skin, and I pause before I knock them against it.
I know the boyfriend who lies behind is stiff from exhaustion and dark shadows line his bottom lashes. It's the initiates. It has only been a year since I was one, trying desperately to impress and please him as my instructor. But I didn't have the slightest clue about how his efforts in training us affected him. Now I'm more than aware of how far pushing the new initiates pushes him too. At first it was surprising to see at how strained he was, not justphysically but mentally. I remember, so easily, the short twelve months before, where I only saw Tobias as Four. Four, this incredible force, he never flinched or struggled to do anything that he was throwing at us. But he still tears muscles like I did in my first week; it's a part of all our lives here. Our bodies will always struggle to keep up with our ambitions. But I never could've realised, that mentally, Tobias would be drained completely. He cares purely and honestly about this faction, about upholding bravery and courage. About making sure that whoever becomes a part of it, values those things above all else. But as much as he cares about making sure that only those who truly belong here pass initiation, he never wants somebody who's desperately fighting to be left behind. I remember hearing how he helped an initiate in his own year and I could never forget the ways he quietly helped me. He puts more into helping those who need it most than anything else.
I'm beginning to suspect it will be like this every time of year. That I'll lose a part of my lover's attention to the newest part of our faction. I should be jealous, that's what a normal girl would feel in this situation. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me in one way or another. The thought has crossed my mind, that maybe he'll find another young girl with a fire inside her, that he can help fuel and make her come alive. I'm sure that I'm not particularly special, and there is always the possibility that he'll find interest in someone else, but my stomach only flutters for a moment before I push the feeling away. The most important part of him and I is now, tomorrow he could walk away from everything and I would just be grateful for the chance to love him so closely.
My fist finally connects with the door and the thuds echo throughout his apartment. I hear a groan from inside, as Tobias wakes from my knocks. I know he's exhausted, but I thought I could still be there to help. The door pulls inward and the first thing I see is Tobias' expression. His eyebrows are scrunched together, his mouth turn downwards and one eye is only slightly open.
"Tris," He croaks. He's been asleep. I was sure it wasn't that late, but he is staring at me like it's the middle of the night. We stand in the door way in silence for a moment as I breathe in the scent his body gives off when he's been asleep. It's warm and comforting, and I'm already resisting the urge to run my hands along his shoulders. But his expression stays serious; his face should've softened by now.
"I'm sorry I woke you," I smile gently, hoping that he can't stay mad at me.
"It's okay- It's just- tonight is capture the flag," he begins, stumbling like his words are scrambling together in his mouth without his thoughts, "today was really tough, I just need to rest." Tobias' looks at me sympathetically, he wants to be my boyfriend but first and foremost he is a dauntless instructor. I start to feel defeated; more like a burden rather than his lover. I should back off and wait a few days for him to kiss me in that celebrating way he did when I graduated into dauntless, wait for him to return to me. I watch his arm cross his chest and reach around to his shoulder blade, his face wincing. He's in pain. My senses tell me to leave my boyfriend alone tonight, but the part of me that still loves him like a shy 16 year old, reaches my hands out in front of me. I push him gently backwards with my palms against his chest, smirking and kiss him lightly, hoping he'll find it too hard to resist me. I know he's still crazy about me, because his body falls back against mine.
"You've been working too hard, lay down," I whisper as I disappear across the room.
"Tris," he clears his throat like I've clouded his thoughts; "I'm going to fall asleep again as soon as I hit that bed." He sounds stern but I can hear the smile spread across his lips and he closes to door behind me gently.
I've already disappeared; my sights are set on the draw in his bathroom full of only my belongings. There are draws and cupboards like this all over his apartment. I spend half my time here and half in my own. When I entereddauntless, I was allocated my own apartment and I wanted to give it up instantly to be in Tobias', but I knew I needed to make my own place, find my own way here. This was the first time I would be living without my parents, and it was an experience I knew I shouldn't miss out on. I can move in with him anytime, I will move in with him. But for now I'm happier in the middle, with two homes, two beds and plenty of space for the limited that I take up. The draw I'm looking for specifically holds the salve. It's what caused the smell of mint when I first met him and its scent brings back heavy nostalgia. But I was given this one by the dauntless nurse and I only use it when I pull the worst muscles. I suspect my boyfriend has probably over-worked a few of his. The small tube of salve is only hidden under one shirt, and a few rubber bands I've used for hair bands. As soon as it's in my hands I move back towards Tobias' bed, trying not to give him enough time to fall asleep again. I spot him sitting upright on the edge his bed; not laying down. His back faces towards me and I catch the top of his tattoo brushing along his neck. My footsteps sound along the floor and his head turns around towards me, the smile on his face sending a tingle through my entire body. I feel a twinge of guilt in my stomach, even when he should say no to me, he still doesn't. It's a whole different kind of power to have over someone, to persuade them with just their desire to be around you. But I won't let him regret this, I'm not here to keep him awake to pay attention to me, I'm here to reward him for being my strong, tough and kind initiate trainer.
I crawl across the bed towards him and I'm thankfully that still only his neck has turned to look at me, making this easier to plan. I kiss him gently on his cheek and I feel the corners of his mouth pull upwards, I try to resist the urge to smile but I don't think I'll ever have that much control. I let my lips continue down his face, running along his jawline and kissing harder as I trail down his neck. I want to ask him one hundred questions, I haven't stolen a moment alone with him since the new initiates arrived and I want to know everything. How they're training, how he's coping and how on earth he is going to pull off another win this year without me to climb the Ferris wheel. But I try to keep the exploding questions inside, trying to remember that I want to make this about him. My curiosity can be satisfied anytime. My hands brush up his hips and I let my fingers catch at the hem of his shirt, dragging it upwards. I feel the soft skin and tight muscles along his sides. The noise that falls from his lips is not quite a laugh and not quite a sigh but he lifts his arms slightly, letting me lift it off his body. His muscles cast shadows along his back and my fingertips have never tired of running along his skin, no matter how many times I've seen them vulnerable to me. I'm the only one who sees him this way and butterflies bubble in my stomach at the thought. He leans backwards, and his expression is playful, I move back to accommodate him and I kiss him upside down as he lays back against me.
"What are you doing?" He sighs, smiling and blinking slowly.
"Taking care of you," I smile.
Never have I wanted to assume the role of a care taking girlfriend. But I'm proud; I want him to know that my company should mean forgetting everything else. I brush the backs of my fingers along his arms, catching his eye contact and the smile hasn't left my face. "Roll over," I request, letting him move his aching body onto his front. When his body finally stills comfortably on the bed, I run my hands along his back. My eyes follow the curve of his back and land on his cheek, his head turned to the side, leaving only half his face visible to me. I smile softly; I've been desperate for this time. "Is this where it's bad?" I run my fingertips along his shoulder blade, where I saw him reach earlier. He doesn't speak; only nods, leaving the sound of his face rubbing against the sheets. I watch his eyes close as I reach for the salve and try not to put too much on my hand. I touch him gently at first and he breathes out heavily. I run my hand in circles around his shoulder blade and I begin to feel the tightness in his muscle. I press a little harder against the knot and his face scrunches, his body trying not to flinch. I attempt to take some of the pressure off but he begins croakingly correcting me.
"No- it's good pain."
I continue putting pressure into his aching muscle and I watch his expression change slowly, becoming less uncomfortable. I move my hand to the middle of his shoulder blades and up towards his neck, I must've done something right because a moan escapes Tobias and I feel the warmth spread into my cheeks. The groan was so deep the vibration ran through his back and up along my fingertips into my own body. I want to kiss him, the noise sent my thoughts into frenzy. I continue touching him, searching for small spots that feeling so good he lets out that noise of ecstasy. But my fingers just find smaller knots, down his shoulders and my head clears when his breaths become heavy.
"You can fall asleep again, I don't mind," I give him permission.
He does have to go back to pretending to be my tough, strong, tight lipped trainer in a few hours and he could use all the rest from that he can get. I'm certain he hears my approval, because his breaths become heavier. I touch him gently, watching his back rise and lower with his breaths. I don't remember deciding to but I kiss his back, careful to miss where I'd been rubbing. I let my lips close on his lower back and along his side. He must still be awake because the closer my body gets to his; the wider the smile seems to spread along his lips. One long sigh escapes from his chest and then he is still again. Nothing about him changes after that. If he wasn't asleep before, he's finally let himself now. I roll my body as close as I can to his without disturbing his sleep, breathing in his scent, his presence. I wish I knew a way to slow time, letting us stay here for longer than we have. I just want to appreciate being next to him. I'm overwhelmed with how content I feel, but it isn't enough to keep me awake because I start to feel myself drift off. Before I know it, I'm too far gone to leave Tobias and drag myself to my own bed.
I feel movement and I'm instantly irritated. I want to swat my arms and grumble, demanding the noises and movement to stop around me. But I'm too dizzy and I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or something has really woken me. I breathe deeply and try to open my eyes. That's when I see Tobias, getting dressed to leave. I smile uncontrollably, the frustration falling off me like a blanket. He noticed my movement and looks down at me.
"I don't know how I'm going to win again this year, I don't think any of the new initiates are as smart as you were," he whispers to me, I know it's a compliment, but something makes me a little jealous. I want to follow him; I want to climb that Ferris wheel with him again.
"I don't want anyone else to be like me, you might like them too much." I admit sleepily, knowing that wasn't a good idea, but too tired to care about inhibitions. Tobias leans down towards me, smiling. He reaches out his arms and pulls my body around, so that I'm lying on top of his pillows now, finally comfortable.
"No one is like you Tris, and you're all mine," he kisses my forehead, right between my eyebrows and a sigh falls from my chest. I should be embarrassed but I know by now he loves my noises as much as I love his.
"Good," I laugh, the sleep making me delirious, "go get 'em," I start to say, "show them why you're the undefeated champion." I feel the same sense of pride. I also feel a little terrible for all the girls I know are lusting over my boyfriend. He didn't look at them before me, and that's how I know he doesn't now. That's how it's always been.
"Don't wish me luck, I don't need it." He kisses me gently on the lips, knowing mine will take a few seconds in delay to kiss back. Then he is gone. He's gone to play a part in tradition, to run around in the dead of night and let a group of new initiates find out what being dauntless really means. Gone to win another title, to be congratulated on his team tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about it. I can't wait to have him back. I think about him waking me up again when his team finally gets home and I breathe in his smell, falling asleep with the thought of having him back home again.