I was alone. Again. Why did I even bother traveling like this, I always new I would end up alone from the start. The sticky blood oozed down my face out of the gash on my forehead. Life was shitty, but when was it ever alright?

My name was Titara, but most people I knew called me Tit.

I was somewhere in the woods, probably in the middle of them. I was looking for something, yet I didn't know what that was. There was a pull coming from the trees in the distance, calling me to travel deeper.

Then I saw him. He was so butt ugly and sparkled. He looked at me like he needed to take a shit and then ran over to me.

"MMM. You smell like strawberries and cream, just like mamma used to make," he said in a Swedish accent.

He was so ugly, I couldn't look away. And then I wanted to touch him for some reason. I grabbed his dick. He had a needle dick because I couldn't find it at first; it was stuck between his little teeny balls. "Hello. My name is Titara, but you can call me Tit."

"hi Tit. Im Edwardo Culven. But it sounds like Edward Cullen. I enjoy sucking balls and staring at your boobs. Would you please loosen your grip on my needle dick."

I let his penis go.

"I said loosen your grip, not let go. I havnt been this hard in ages. And I mean that literally. Ages. Cuz im like one hundred years old."

"eww PEDOPHILE"

"NO IM ACTUALLY SEVENTEEN"

"ooo. That doesn't make sense, then why did you just tell me you were one hundred years old. don't you fuck with my mind. Oh my gawd, I think I love you"

"as I love you. Ive waited so long for this moment."

Chapter 2:

I needed to say this, it was so close to my heart, I couldn't bear to put it off any longer: "Edwardo, I want cho babies."

"well okay. I have an erection the size of a needle right now so lets go."

And so we did it. I'm not even sure he stuck his cock into my vagina cause I didn't feel a thing. I was more turned on when I watched Oprah talk about rapists.

He looked at me dead in the eyes "I didn't feel that. Im sorry. I cant hurt you like that again. I must leave you Tit."

"NO YOU CANT LEAVE ME! You promised me forever."

"Bitch, when did I ever say forever?'

"when you let me sexually assault you. Oh God, I think im pregnant."

"oh foo, im a vampire, that can not happen. I think you're just retarded."

"my mom always said I was special. I never knew what that meant. I love you even more Edwardo."

"you must meet my family. Come hither. We live in this old tree down yonder."

"ooo yes, Ive always wanted to meet a family of elves."

"bitch we aint elves, we be vampires."

"this will be so magical. Lets go."

"okey dokey artichokey. Lets begin our hike. Hop up on my ass and I will carry you half way."

And so I stood on his fat ass and away we went. He was so fucking slow I though I could walk faster than his run. It was like I actually THOUGHT he was impressing me.

"you sure this isn't too fast?"

"uhm, no, can I walk the rest of the way. Ur ass is uncomfortable."

"ooo. Well. that's unfortunate."

We continued walking for five kilometers and then turned southeast at the redwood tree that talked.

"we're here." announced Edwardo, secretly picking a wedgie. I think he was wearing my thong. I knew it felt more breezy in my summer dress.

"the hidden door in the gnarled tree smelled like ass and was already open a fraction of a millimeter."

"ladies first." he smirked. I noticed his teeth were green.

I walked through the front door and was greeted by a bunch of ugly ppl that smelled like used tampons. Each one of them had blood on their faces.

"Hi, I am Tit."

"We know." they all said in unison, "Edwardo has a special ability to send his thoughts to other ppl. Last night he was watching gay porn and we were all turned on."

"shhhh, not in front of my baby momma."

"oo scandalous." said the bitchy looking one. How you can look bitchy, I do not know, but that is what she was. "so someone finally did it with Edwardo… we thought he was going to turn out gay. Well im glad you finally came along Tit."

"im so happy to finally greet you Tit," said this guy who looked like an albino rat. This must've been the dad. He was the oldest one and had a beer belly. "im dr culven."

Chapter 3:

After I had the displeasure of meeting every single one of them, we went up to Edwardo's room.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

The moment was thicker than a thick fart.

"sooo. Watdya think of them?"

"They were all super nice, particularly the blonde one who humped my leg repeatedly."

"ohh. that's Casper, he has the special ability to make your kind of people horny. Just out of dumb ass curiosity, did ya feel anything?"

"hell, I felt more by looking at him than I did staring at your baby carrot dick. I must get his phone number."

"Tit, he is retarded. You must never be alone with him. He could bust a testicle. You must always be aware of him."

"oh whatever. Wow, you have a pansy ass room. Is it really pink?"

"pink is my favorite color. Tough guys like pink."

"do fucking not. I cant even look at you. This isn't real. This must be a dream." at that point, I felt like I was dreaming. This couldn't be real. All of my time spent with Edwardo, and now this. It was so unreal, like a cheaply made gay porno. It was there, but it didn't seem real, all of that gayness. But some part of me knew this was true. Edwardo's room WAS pink.

"you mustn't think like that. I like pink. And I am somewhat manly."

"you look like a faggish transexual whose dick is the size of an acorn. The only reason why I came with you is because I've never been so fascinated with the size of someones dick before. Good bye my love."

"no, don't go, I can change."

"its over, im not sorry. Get a sex change. Then mayb you might get lucky."

"please. No. my dick may be small, but it is mighty. I would gladly let a duck eat it for you"

"no, please don't try to change my mind. My mind is unchangeable." and with that I jumped out of the window of his tree. I didn't realize that it had an ocean view until I hit the water. The water tossed me around like a tampon being disposed down a toilet. My retardeness made me loose the sight of the surface. Well I was dying. Finally. I was pulled by something warm that wrapped around me. Like an arm, but much more warmer. Then I realized that my bladder let go involuntarily and that I was basically dead. I had the best day of my life. Now me and my baby were going to die. And then I died. The end.