An apology to everyone who ships Thor x Loki. Whenever I think of this pairing this scenario is genuinely the first thing that pops into my mind. So if you are a passionate shipper of these two, please don't read this as it would probably only hurt your feelings. I'm not too keen on flaming either. So let's leave a Percy Jackson style warning here: if any of this applies to you please drop this book/laptop and run in the opposite direction, because you don't want these monsters on your ass.
I don't own the Avengers or Google.
One of the few perks when you're a man with a green incarnation of unstoppable rage waiting to burst out of you is the general reluctance people feel when it comes to harassing you. Bruce found if he simply put on a pair of headphones, a white coat and a troubled expression he was avoided like the plague, even by his own team. Well most of them. Sadly the thunder god Thor didn't understand the implications of his appearance, or if he did he had taken a leaf out of Tony's book and decided not to care.
"DOCTOR BANNER! I HAVE A QUESTION!"
Bruce adjusts his headphones and deepens his frown, hoping to deter him.
"BANNER! BRUCE! IS YOUR HEARING IMPAIRED BY YOUR HEADGEAR? I HAVE A QUESTION."
He repeats the gesture.
"BRUCE MY FRIEND YOUR MECHANICAL MINSTRELS MUST BE ALARMINGLY LOUD! CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME?!"
"For God's sake Bruce answer him! My ear drums will bust if he yells again." Clint pokes his head around the door of the lab, forcing Bruce to end his charade and face Thor.
Thor is holding a laptop. He looks confused. "I have been attempting to familiarise myself with the customs of your people through the use of the interweb-"
"Internet." interjects Clint, who has taken an interest.
"What he said. At any rate, I have passed a thrilling afternoon 'smurfing'-"
"Surfing."
"What he said, the internet. Your cats are brilliant comedians. In my world the cats merely desire to fill our mouths with regurgitated blood as they tear out our insides rather than with laughter as they make our insides hurt from laughter- forgive the tangent but as you know I tend to babble when I'm confused. And I am confused. Very very confused. I have come across a concept I simply cannot make sense of no matter how much I Gurgle it."
"Google."
"Yes Google. As you are a scientist and not currently engaged in other activities, I thought it would be best to place my query to you. Can you explain the concept of this 'Thorki' to me?"
Bruce cast a quick glance about himself. He was surrounded by lab equipment and he had been looking into a microscope when Thor came in. What did Thor think he was if not busy-busy…busy…
He slips the headphones down "Did you say 'Thorki'?"
"Yes I said 'Thorki'."
Taking a steadying breath, Bruce presses the intercom button and announces into it "Avengers Assemble immediately, I repeat Avengers Assemble immediately. We have a code Thor in the lab. I repeat a code Thor, red level. Assemble please."
Six minutes later the earth's mightiest heroes are gathered at the end of a table Tony helped Bruce clear carefully. The laptop stands in the middle of the table. Thor sits in the chair Nat placed him in, rapping his knuckles contentedly against the leg of the table. The rest of the team stand at a distance, discussing the problem in whispers.
"Who put him on the laptop?" asks Steve
"That's my bad. He was making so much noise in the training room I couldn't get any work done. I put him in front of some funny cat videos and that shut him right up." Tony looks at Thor with a touch of guilt "I didn't count on him finding this side of the internet so fast."
Nat claps him on the shoulder "It's not your fault.
Steve contemplates the thunder god for a moment "We'll have to have the talk with him."
Nat's head snaps up "The talk? As in the talk?"
The captain has hidden his face in his hands "Not that one. The shipping talk."
"We have to expose him to the fanbase already? I was hoping he could keep his innocence for a little while longer at least." she sighs through her nose.
"He's a grown man. He can deal with it."
"I'm a grown man and I can barely deal with the fact that people think Loki and I should be messing around in the bedroom. What's that going to do to him? That's the man's brother you know." Tony retorts.
"We have to say something." says Bruce.
The team stares at Thor for a moment and Thor stares back with a confused expression.
"I'll do it." says Nat. She waves a hand to stop Steve when he moves forward "It's alright Cap, I know how much this stuff embarrasses you. Let me take this one for the team." She pulls a chair up beside Thor.
"We need to have a talk."
"I am already aware of the process of reproduction if that if what you suggest."
"No this is a different type of talk…about what you saw on the computer." she gestures towards it in disgust "The Avengers are a global phenomenon so we have a lot of fans. Some of those fans like to imagine us in different situations and they write about how they think we would act, or they role play it in costumes or draw it. It's called a 'fandom'. The thing is about these stories they make up is…they like to imagine us going out with each other, different couples than there already are. Like someone might 'ship' me and the Cap because they think we suit each other or something."
"Human customs are stranger than I have gauged." Thor peers past her at the other members of the team and shudders "I am included in these 'ships'?"
"People looove you." Tony is swiftly kicked in the shins by Clint and Steve on either side of him.
"That's right. The thing is the fans like to think of other people outside the team in ships, like Director Fury and Parker and Logan, they like to think of them going out on a mission with us and saving someone dramatically and starting a relationship. People like to imagine Loki is a part of the team sometimes when a force comes along he can't defeat on his own. They ship him with us. You in particular."
Bolting upright, Thor's face contorts with a mix of bewilderment and anger "ARE THEY UNAWARE OF OUR SIMILAR PARENTAGE?!"
Nat covers her ringing ears "Well because Loki was adopted they think it's alright, since it can't be classed as, um, blood-relations incest. Frankly they wouldn't care if you two were blood related."
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! OF COURSE IT'S INCEST, REGARDLESS OF HOW ADOPTED HE IS, IF SOMEONE'S RELATED TO YOU BY CHOICE OR THROUGH BLOOD IT CAN BE COUNTED AS INCEST!" the beakers began to shatter one by one on the desktop along with the window panes. Bruce sighs as he watches hours of work explode and eat at the wood, wishing he could be properly angry without running the risk of the other guy coming out. Oh well. The experiment will be easy enough to repeat. He pulls his headphones over his ears again and waits patiently for Thor to stop screaming.
The thunder god is running out of slurs against the abominable 'Thorki' now. His face has become an interesting shade of purple due to lack of breath. He puts his head between his knees to regain it, gulping in deep breaths. Nat pats him on the back. "You're alright big guy."
"Why…from whence did the notion I harbour romantic feelings for that bastard come? We quarrel as brothers do, not as a married couple do like Steven and Anthony."
The two mentioned Avengers exchange a glance, shrug and let it pass.
"Doesn't matter to the fans honey. Ship and let ship, that's what our motto is for this kind of situation. You'll develop a thick skin soon."
Thor tries to reply, but he loses his words. He opts to bury his face in Nat's shoulder and accepts a hug. She rocks him back and forth "It's alright big guy, we'll get you through this." And to the others "Step in any time boys. I think he needs a group hug."
Before Banner obliges, he stops for a second and asks himself just what he is doing with his life.
I wrote this running on fumes at 8pm, after a day full of mock exams and assessments. I honestly had no idea which keys I was pressing. When I read it the next morning I found a surprisingly cohesive bit of fan fiction. You have just read it, minus the part where my face hit the keyboard. I am sorry if I have offended anyone. The main moral of this story is that tired people should not try to finish things, they should just go to bed. Thanks for reading.