Fire

She smiled at me. She actually smiled at me. It was just another sarcastic comment, just some more meaningless banter. And then she smiled. It had been so long since I last saw it, I'd almost forgotten. Forgotten how much bigger than myself it makes me feel, forgotten how it lets me gaze right into her soul. Her soul is just this blinding light, brilliant warmth. Her soul contains so much strength, but at the same time, so very much kindness. A kindness I'll never have.

"Are you alright?" Kahlan said, tending the fire. Zedd and Richard had gone off to do some hunting. I had wanted to do it, but Richard wanted to refresh his hunting skills, and Zedd insisted he used to be a skilled hunter, and still was.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Kahlan looked away from my eyes, back to the fire. She looked uncomfortable. Only then did I realize that I was crying. I blinked.

"The smoke makes my eyes water." I said quietly. She looked doubtful, but I knew she wouldn't say anything. I was incredibly angry with myself. I had shown such weakness. What was it about the Mother Confessor that made me forget to be hard?

I rose from the tree stump I was sitting on, and began taking my blanket out. I could feel Kahlan's eyes on me, studying me. I ached to gaze into her striking blue eyes, feel that warmth again, simply make her smile again. I knew I could not. If I did just then, If I turned to look at her, I would tell her everything, and then she would hate me. That is, If she didn't loath me already. Her eyes, unfortunately, had a way of drawing out the truth whether you were confessed or not. It annoyed the hell out of me. I laid my blanket on the grass and smoothed it out.

"You should get some rest. It could be hours before Zedd and Richard get back" I spoke without looking at her. I laid down on my blanket, facing away from Kahlan. She sucked in a breath.

"What's wrong, Cara? Something's wrong."

I closed my eyes. I was preparing myself for the words I was about to speak. For the love I was about to, essentially, admit to.

"I think you know."

I waited for a denial, a reproval, anything. For a long moment, all was silence, and agony. I just wanted her to say something, make a sound, or something. The waiting was killing me more than any agiel could. Finally, I turned around.

She was just sitting there, with a defeated look on her face, tears streaming down. As much as I hated to see her like that, it made me furious.

"Why are you crying!" I stood up quickly.

"I…love-"

"You love me as a friend. Of course. I get it." I held back more of those stubborn tears. Why would she love me? Why did I hope?

"No." she whispered. I just looked at her, knowing she must be lying.

"NO." she said more loudly, standing up.

"I-I…I do love you. In…that way."

"but…you couldn't…it isn't possible."

She looked truly confused.

"Why? Why is it impossible for me to love you?" She asked as she stepped closer to me. The question sounded simple, but held so much weight to it. She was asking why I was who I was, and then some.

"Because…I don't know. You Can't. You just can't." I paused. She moved ever closer, so near.

"But I do…" She reached for my face, inches from me.

I stepped back.

"I KILLED YOUR SISTER!" I shouted, tears running freely now. Birds flew out of the trees, making a racket. It would have been funny, if it wasn't so tragic, and If Kahlan hadn't looked so shocked at the sudden memory.

She sat back down, staring at the floor with that slightly too controlled look in her eyes.

"I know. And I hate you for it." She looked up.

"But I hate myself more for loving you."

That hurt me more than if she simply loathed me. I was so horrible that she hated herself for loving me. I didn't know that being loved could hurt me, but nevertheless, there I was.

I watched her for a moment, then sighed, and sat beside her. We sat for an eternity, all round up in a few seconds. I had to say something. I was used to results, not awkward silences.

"Can't you just…stop?"

"Stop loving you?" She stood, and began pacing.

"I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just love Richard, and be happy." She stopped and looked at me, her eyes red with tears.

" But I can't even do that now! I can't love him because you're here! All the time!" She took a shuddering breath.

" You're here, and I can't stop myself from thinking about how beautiful you are."

The words shook me. I stood cautiously. I felt a surprising feeling of wanting to hold her. I took a step closer.

"From thinking about how smart, and funny you are"

Another step.

"And secretly kind, and passionate"

She was smiling miraculously, beautifully, and through the tears.

One last step.

She was so near to me, body and heart. Only a few molecules of air were between us. I c ould almost feel the warmth of her soul. I brought my fingers close to her face, my head close to hers, my lips close to hers, but not touching, never touching. She bit her lip and breathed out warm air. I breathed it in. This air was inside of her mouth. This air was a part of her. I reluctantly breathed it out again, as she breathed it in. And in this way, we kissed.

She rested her forehead against mine, tears streaming.

"I can't love you." She whispered, closing her eyes.

"But you said-"

"I know. I do love you. But I can't."

I put my hand on the back of her neck, forehead still resting against hers, and held her there. I began crying more than ever. She was slipping away again.

"Maybe if we just…pretend. You can have Richard, but we can still-"

"No." She put her hand around my face.

"I'm sorry, Cara, but this cannot be."

"But..." I trailed off. I looked into her eyes and for an instant, she let me in. She let me completely into her soul, and it was beautiful. The saddest beauty I'd ever known. She loved me. But she loved Richard to the point of her own pain, and mine in the process. She loved Richard just enough to be willing to force me out of her mind. That love was from the same place the Con Dar was drawn from. Richard was blood to her, family. I was not.

"Cara, you have to forget this happened… Forget that I love you so much that it hurts. This is the only way. If you truly love me, you'll do this." She let go of me, and stepped back.

"Do you understand?"

I nodded, and wiped away the tears. I did love her, and I would do this for her, even if it tore out my soul in the process. Even if she loved me back.

I heard a twig snap, and whipped out my agiels, but when I heard booming laughter coming from Zedd, I relaxed. Kahlan frantically wiped at her tears.

"Well, we certainly did well." Richard said, holding two dead rabbits.

Kahlan laughed, "At least Zedd didn't fry them this time."

Zedd straightened a little "I'll have you know I contributed greatly to catching these two fine specimens"

Richard smiled, then noticed Kahlan and Cara's watery eyes.

"Are you guys alright? What happened?"

Kahlan spoke first "The smoke is making our eyes water."

I kept repeating it in my head. She. Loves. Me.